Evangelism

As the week winds down, I just want to briefly mention the best thing I saw in the past seven days: this week's episode of Paris Hilton's My New BFF. I know, I wrote about it just a few weeks ago, but I also know that no one cares. It has a minuscule following at TWoP, and no one at ohnotheydidnt (the Internet's arbiter of cool, y/y?) seems to have time for it. And it kills me because it's so. good. Tracie called it "ANTM-good," and I'm inclined to agree. If you click on that link, you can watch the highlight of the series so far: the argument that plastic-surgery head Corrie makes to persuade Paris to keep her on the show (she's up for elimination discussion). It goes:

"I mean, Paris, I plead to you, that you more know so much than anybody else what it's like to have people see something of value and worth and hate you because you're beautiful and you didn't ask for it. I did not ask for this! It was given to me. I used to come home and cry in high school and say, 'Mom, I don't want to be pretty anymore.' And she'd be like, 'You stop it.' Heavy is the head the wears the crown. And, like, you were born into it. I was born the way I am, like...People call me 'Bikini Corrie' back home, because I have earned it! And it's not being cocky, I earned it."

Honestly, my favorite part in all of that is, "You stop it."

But that wasn't all that was amazing on this week's episode. It was full-throttle inanity and it was glorious. I assembled a reel of the best lines below. Since it's Viacom property, I'm sure it'll be pulled before you can even click on it, so if you're truly curious, here's a direct download link.

And since this shit reads so well, I'm transcribing the best of the best below:

"Like, when I grow up, I just wanna shake my ass on MTV."

"I love boys!"

"Are you getting a lay?"

"I have morals and values because I'm Clark Gable's granddaughter and he's the king of Hollywood."

"Hey guys, what are in the hell are you doing?"

"Now since all of you are sitting in the pool, I would ask the guys to get up, but their packages will be a little shriveled. So I'm gonna judge you in other ways."

"Please raise your right hand and repeat after me. I, Shelly, promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Paris."

"It doesn't seem that you have much to explain, does it? Does that mean you're a good person, or a boring person?"

"Corrie was laughing the whole time, and I was like, why is she laughing? This is, like, serious. I'd be, like, crying."

"She sleeps with club owners. She runs around telling people she's Italian, and she's adopted."

Reflective exit interview: "I got to be a pet. I got to play with monkeys. I got to do a lot of fun stuff!"

Again: not that you care, but I'd be doing a disservice if I didn't share my love for this awesomeness. Really, this was all I could do to hold myself back from a full-scale recap.

Comments

[Matt]

(er, I mean "loved")

[Sarah]

Awww, poor baby...maybe try being average in high school and getting picked on? That's a hell of a lot harder than being the poor pretty girl.

[jeremy]

I watch. My homo boyfriend watches and the straight roomie guy watches it. At first we looked so far down our noses at it, that we couldn't appreciate how truly brilliant it is. Now, we hold no such pretense and each have confessed our sincere admiration for both Paris and the show.
And there's something hypnotic and calming about hearing "my best friend" as bumpers to and from commercials. I don't know if its the vocoder, but my heart slows and my pupil dilate when I hear it.

[Marie]

This speech his huh-larious no doubt. But I've watched the clip like three times and I still don't fully understand it. Can someone (you, Rich?) break it down for me? I mean, what the hell does "bikini Corrie" mean anyway?

Imagine a show where Paris comes off looking like pure class? I'm not trying to hate on her; it's just all so backwards somehow! Hee-hee!

[sylviamaris]

I've been with this show since the beginning. I love Paris, because she *knows* just how superficial and ludicrous her public life is. She's not trying to be Tyra.

[ben (thpbt)]

Maybe you could do a retrospective of everything we've missed, then start doing full-on recaps. I'm not sure if there's any way for us international-ies to watch this amazing trash, so recaps would soothe my soul. This shit, it is so wack.

[Nick]

Ben, you can watch everything online even if you're not in the US!

http://www.mtv.com/ontv/dyn/parisbff/videos-full-episodes.jhtml

There's a three day delay after airing, but that's a small price to pay for the entertainment.

[Eline]

I DO CARE, darling! Don't ever stop doing recaps of awesome shows like this.

[sean]

I love a) the porta-throne that Paris sits on whenever she's required to make a big decision (they even dragged it to Vegas) and b) that idiot from the valley (Lauren?) cuz she thinks she's got a shot as she and Paris apparently share the same "bone structure".

[Jennette]

I can't watch that show. Paris is so wooden in her delivery it pains me. BUT I say that if the urge to recap hits you, go 'head and recap!

[Spin Sycle]

unfortunately I saw that presentation on the tv as well and really wanted to go blow my head off afterwards.

[gill]

ugh. LOVE this show. It is genuinely funny. And I think Paris may even have something to do with that. She might be okay after all.
Start Recaps!

[nidra]

"She sleeps with club owners. She runs around telling people she's Italian, and she's adopted."

I want to run around saying this all day long. Seriously, that shit is priceless.

[Maxam]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SCREAM QUEENS, RICH! UGH!

[Maxam]

My New BFF IS very funny though. But still. Scream Queens. The marriage of Horror and Reality TV. You guys, seriously.

[Dennis N.]

Maxam:
Rich recaps Scream Queens on the VH1 blog.

[Michael]

I ADORE this show. It truly is ANTM-good.

Recap Recap!

[Amber]

I would die laughing if you would please, please, please recap this madness. I'm begging here!

[Maxam]

Dennis N.: I'm an idiot.

I'm sorry Rich for coming off so stuffy and toddlerish.

I knew it was impossible for you not to love Scream Queens! I'm going to go read those recaps now...

P.S. Michelle from Scream Queens = Bikini Corrie, no? They at least share the same personality and tanning techniques.

[Lisa]

Oh god, when I heard Corrie say "you stop it" I just died. Acutally, I also re-enacted that speech at a party last night.

Please! Please! Full scale re-cap! Everything that Lauren says/does is so worthy of gif-ing. Everything she says leading up to the "7 Minutes in Heaven" challenge is pure gold.

[catina]

far be it from me to put more responsibility on your shoulders, but seriously if you started doing recaps on this show, i could stop paying my therapist, because your recaps for BFF would be all the validation i need!!!

AHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAS!!

[caligulala]

"You stop it" has totally replaced "I just want to do hood rat stuff with my friends" as the answer to every question in our household.

[rebecca]

If you end up doing full recaps on this one (and I agree that you should), could you please, please feature a Paris "empathy face" of the week? Whenever somebody gets upset and Paris puts on an exaggerated look of concern as if she was actually listening to them, it kills me every time.

[Vanessa]

Nice to know that, as in life, the people carrying on the loudest about morals and values now are always the ones licking nipples later.

I wasn't even going to dignify this with a kiling time during commercials viewing but I guess I'll have to tune in at least once now. Curse you.

[Sticks]

NO RICH! STOP! You realize that this show is sent by the Devil and watching it is the only real thing that can send you to hell! All the way to HELL Rich! Don't fall into the Devil's trap!