I'm going to let you in on my process: it's eternal. Devising these recaps, scouring the show, manipulating images...that's all cake and a blast and I always want to do something like it. Putting the actual recaps together, on the other hand: the uploading, the formatting, the transitioning...well, that can sometimes feel like a chore. Because the format is a somewhat tightened spin on free association, I kind of just follow my nose throughout the post. Hence the snottiness! But also hence the hours it takes me to get these things out, since I rarely know where they're going a head of time and since when I hit the tinniest pebble of a bump, I immediately procrastinate.
Because of this, and because I'm writing on a week night and don't have, you know, a Sunday's worth of hours to let it trickle all out, I'm going to shift format ever so slightly this week and present my observations in the order that they occurred during the episode. It's not going to be a full explain-it-all recap, just the result of tighter organization. I find often that a little variation helps preserve my sanity, anyway. Of course, just as often, I find that people get nervous or hatey when I decide to do something different so for those: do not worry. This is most likely a momentary stop in Conventionaltown. I'll go back to torturing myself next week.
So anyway!
Which would you rather wake up to:
...new haircut freeze-frame bugged-out Marjorie or...
...moving, judgmental, ticking emotional time-bomb Marjorie? You can only pick one. Make. Your. Choice.
(Ha! I love playing the role of Jigsaw for the eye sometimes.)
Meanwhile...
Analeigh's Foxy Five (or whatever they ripped off Bret Michaels this week to refer to themselves as) celebration reiterates that her dorkiness knows no bounds.
No, I do not want Analeighhead. I would not like it in a box. I would not like it with a fox. I wouldn't accept upon starvation. And you know I have no use for it while masturbatin'. Thanks for the offer, though, Anal.
Go-sees! You know what that means!
They will all try (and fail!) to act normal in front of strangers and...
...judgmental foreigners who take this show even more seriously than Tyra, and who we'll never see again...except for this guy, since he's Richard Roeper. I always knew that RR had a touch of fashion homo in him.
The girls are off! (I just typed "The girls are awful," by mistake, but that's equally true.) Marjorie's go-see experience is so pathetic that there are no words.
Well, no words except maybe these two:
There are tears...
(No. 45, baby!)
And, I can't decide what's more hilarious: the gif above of that sweatsuit-sporting Dutch grump (formally: grutch) openly blowing Marjorie off (here, let's look at it again and again and again and again)...
...or Elina's thrilled reaction when Marjorie ranks this among the most horrible experiences of her life...
Ah schadenfreude. Keeps us going. It's fossil fuel for the human body -- we should give it up, but we never will.
You know, the thing about Marjorie that's so irritating to watch is that where she wallows and psychs herself out, the other girls get jokey...
"It's like Pagen-Lagen-Smagen-Schpagaberg," says Sam in reference to the poetry of Dutch (because you know Sam's the type to think all poems have to rhyme in order to be poems). Analeigh is even funnier (I can't believe I'm saying that!)...
Mocking the Dutch: it's not just for xenophobes, after all.
The point is that next to Marjorie, Analeigh comes off so much better. She better hope that they make the Top 2, because it's the only way she could win this thing (although I think McKey has it in the bag).
And props to Analeigh for showing us the extent of Aswirl's useless...
...and usefulness...
...in under 10 air-time minutes. Clearly, there's a thin line between 'em.
Oh, and this dickhead:
I love how up his own fashiony ass he is to say something like this in reference to Elina: "I wouldn't book her as a model, because she's playing a model, and she isn't a model." Welcome to the show, Mart! Can you please judge within its own reality and not actual reality since a) that could be applied to each one of those girls, and b) technically, you're playing a fashion designer since you're on TV and not actually designing.
Again, I say: welcome to the show.
Elina just couldn't win, right? This actually made me feel bad for her stiflin'-bitch ass. First, she had to put up with Mart-Hold-The-K's shit. Then, she took heat because of her tattoos, which are her best mode of expression (since flapping her gums isn't exactly effective)...
...then she got dresses as one of these weird doll-yarn combinations that my grandmother used to put over her spare toilet paper...
...(I never got that, though: I guess it's immodest to showcase rolls of toilet paper you aren't using?)...and then, this happened:
If I believed in karma, I'd say, "Ha!" And then an anvil would fall on my head.
But that'd be better than what landed on McKey's (and Elina's to a lesser extent in the shot above). This designer lady totally took a bath puff and, per Tyra's advisement no doubt, made it fashion:
I guess it's a Dutch thing.
The best thing about Analeigh's victory?
I love that Elina reflexively screamed, "Oh my god!" in the most disapproving, what-is-this-flesh-eating-virus-on-my-face tone when Analeigh's name was announced. How lacking in control! How uncharacteristic! How not European!
The moral? When in Rome, do as the Greeks do.
At home, Marjorie bumps up the Crying Count again...
(No. 46)
She then brings me close to tears...
Strategically placed shampoo and conditioner are the only things separating me from a major shit-fit.
Did you notice that there was no My Life as a CoverGirl this week?
Could it be that the show is actually recognizing how particularly lame those spots have been this season? I never woulda guessed. I mean, I knew it was aware, but not that aware!
In response to a Tyra Mail that mentioned baring all (or close to it), the girls think they're going buck naked. Sam hopes that this means sophisticated titties-out instead of...
..."Hi! I'm nude!"-titties out. She wants no part of something like this, then:
Can you blame her?
Watching the shoot, I feel 12 again for two reasons.
Reason 1:
I find this hilarious. Yes, indeed, it doesn't take much more than funny faces to make me laugh. And from the looks above, we're all 12.
Reason 2: I'm brought back to the first time I saw Jason Vorhees' dead mother when Tyra does this:
Compare to:
...and see how easy Ty Ty fits into the role:
Kill her, Mommy! Kill her! And by "her," I mean, "Mr. Jay."
Except I doubt that would happen. It's all love, for you see...
...she was lustin'!
Marjorie's pre-shot ritual seems to involve doing a Grover dance:
And if that wasn't enough to make her more adorable, surely this new 'do she gets is...
Super short, super cute, and yes, I realize that I'm saying this all in reference to fucking Marjorie! Awkward gets an upgrade!
As Tyra shoots and reflects, she stumbles upon our first Tyraism of the Week...
"Elina, what a little...stiff girl." This is notable because you know she wanted to say, "What a little bitch." Don't worry, Tyra: we heard it anyway.
Meanwhile, McKey gets a Clockwork Orange eye, per Tyra's request, that actually makes her look more like Marilyn Manson.
The road to hell is paved with referential intentions. And so is the long one out.
Oh, what's up with McKey all of a sudden turning Brit? And it coincided with her confidence being hit? Does she want some Euro-ness to blame any shortcomings on now, too?
At panel, Tyra combines two themes we've already visited this episode...
...she takes slasher-film chic and makes it fashion:
However, this close-up is the scariest thing of all:
Right?
At the start of panel, Tyra delivers her second Tyraism of the Week: "Five chicks in the room. Lovely, lovely, lovely." However true it may be, it was kinda bitchy of her to leave Marjorie and Analeigh out. I mean, the three lovelies have to be Elina, McKey and Sam, right?
Shut up Analeigh. Who asked you? And I know the answer is me because I put your picture there. Still: who asked you?
Jay Manuel is perhaps at his most useless on panel.
Since Tyra was at the shoot this week, he's undoubtedly imparted all the wisdom and insight he has to Tyra, both in front of the girls' faces and behind their backs. He's gotta be a last-minute fill-in. I guess Roeper had some movies to say bland, uninformed things about or some children to terrorize.
Sam's picture is so hot, although it's really so generically Calvin.
I think someone emailed me this week to say that it looks like she has a penis.
But that's pagina, at worst.
Analeigh is not so much SuperDork as she is SuperDuperDorker.
Although this is hot:
Even in the face!
What a difference refraining from hay makes!
Similarly gorgeous:
I'm just saying this so you know I'm not a total hater: I can admit when an eyesore that I find annoying in the disposition looks hot!
And this is Elina's "crazy shot":
We find out that, "This frame in particular is when Tyra said, 'Let it all go.'" Don't blame Elina for guessing that "it" meant "the mail." She's just birthin'!
In the end, she is eliminated, thus giving us not only the 47th cry of the cycle...
...but also, the third Tyraism of the Week:
"Sometimes not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world." I have three gifs and one word to say about this:
Indeed.
(Regular format and Jellybag will return next week! Thanks for hanging in there with me. Seriously, the best present I could have given myself this weekend was a more relaxed schedule. That's what happened and that's why I'm smiling still.)
Wow. That was really a toss up for me. I think Marjorie is a better model once the photo is snapped, but she is just a nervous, ugly train wreck the rest of the time! I assume she'll be out of the running this week - we'll see!
Thank you as always, Rich.
Posted by: Mardi | November 11, 2008 at 11:10 AM
Tyra and Jay's faces made me 12, too. I'm still giggling at it!
Posted by: stephanie | November 11, 2008 at 11:14 AM
first to comment!!!
i love your blog,
BUT IT HAD BETTER NOT BE LATE EVER AGAIN
Posted by: rob | November 11, 2008 at 11:16 AM
ok third
Posted by: | November 11, 2008 at 11:16 AM
don't go back to conventional formatting, if its such a hassle. because, seriously, i like it this way :D
loved the recap!
thanks so much for spending all that time for us.
Posted by: | November 11, 2008 at 11:19 AM
I will never turn down an ANTM recap, no matter the format. You could always try video ones again!
Posted by: Steven | November 11, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Sigh... Marjorie gif's and screenshots will never get old!
Posted by: Jessica | November 11, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Elina has the face to become one of the more successful post-ANTM girls, I think.
Posted by: kiki | November 11, 2008 at 11:26 AM
HULLO MCKEY.
Posted by: inothernews | November 11, 2008 at 11:29 AM
It looks like Sam has attended Tyra's school of attractive face-making.
Posted by: Sarah G | November 11, 2008 at 11:31 AM
I can't imagine how much time goes into these recaps, so any recap you put out is always much appreciated. I was totally thinking the title for this recap would be "Out of Control", and then I congratulated myself for thinking of something so clever. (I usually try and guess what you're title is going to be every week, because I am a dork, much like Analeigh.)
At any rate, I have to admit that the pictures Tyra does are always pretty fantastic. I can't help but wonder if when she's picking the "best shot" for another photographer, she picks a slightly less than stellar one to make herself look better. She totally does.
I was pretty sorry to see Elina go, since she actually BOOKED a job unlike Marj, but it was probably her time. Besides, we wouldn't have Drunk Marjorie this week had that been the case so it was probably for the best.
Posted by: Melissa | November 11, 2008 at 11:32 AM
didnt really like seeing a "severed head"...
Posted by: miss kitti | November 11, 2008 at 11:33 AM
You know, Rich, if you never said anything regarding format at the top of the post, I wouldn't have noticed anything was askew. And nothing was askew! Gut busting and insightful as always.
If you were standing before me and I had only one photo in my hands, I would tell you that sometimes being late with your recaps is the most beautiful thing in the world.
Posted by: Henry Evil | November 11, 2008 at 11:34 AM
OH MY GOD THAT WAS SO A GROVER DANCE.
Thank you for reminding me of things I would never remember otherwise.
Posted by: Rachel | November 11, 2008 at 11:35 AM
Thanks for delighting us as usual with an extended community birthday present! Happy Belated :)
(and is it sad that I'm sort of pulling for Analeigh now?)
Posted by: Kyle-Steven | November 11, 2008 at 11:35 AM
*SIGH* I was one of the few who LOVED Elina... even tho she was a frigid bitch! Now that I lost my girl... Im a Annaleigh girl all the way.
Posted by: sissygirl | November 11, 2008 at 11:36 AM
As soon as I saw Tyra do that ridic melt-behind-the-screens thing I KNEW you would have a gif of it!
I have no one to root for this cycle. They're all annoying. I guess yeah, McKey, but meh. I hate her weird goofy grin. And didn't they do the striking brunette with the short hair with Yoanna in S2?
Posted by: DeDe | November 11, 2008 at 11:37 AM
alright so a) happy belated birthday rich!
b) the tension between tyra and paulina is HILARIOUS. in this episode tyra said to paulina "I love that you call it a go AND see" her smile tried to hide the bitchiness but the tone said "you're wrong, bitch"
Posted by: | November 11, 2008 at 11:37 AM
Great recap.
I like the break from the norm (like the video recap from two seasons ago!). For what it's worth, I actually prefer this format.
You know that if fourfour were ANTM and you were Tyra, this would be the point in the season when you'd say we're all going to London, no one is getting eliminated, and everyone loses their shit.
It's a mind-fuck, but a GOOD one.
Posted by: Rudy | November 11, 2008 at 11:41 AM
Oh yeah, I remember being bugged by McKey suddenly being British.
Posted by: Nancy | November 11, 2008 at 11:45 AM
Free association + Tyrag gifs + the liberation of Elina at panel (scream like a b-movie extra, bitch) = more love for Rich.
Hey, doesn't that sound like a porno? "The Liberation of Elina" starring... who?
I'd love to see a Winhead pop in now and again. You know Winston has a lot to say about this trainwreck. Yo.
Posted by: DLCS | November 11, 2008 at 11:49 AM
Love this format! I am all good with whatever you choose as I am here only for the laughs.
Sad to see Elina go, especially before Marjorie but I do agree with he stiffness.
Speaking of Marj, how does she get lost...IN EUROPE? Isn't she European and have some sort of built in GPS? That girl needs to a shot of vodka every hour on the hour. I think that's exactly what the next episode promises.
Posted by: CBETA | November 11, 2008 at 12:01 PM
McKey has this. I agree.
I don't mind this format.
Posted by: steele | November 11, 2008 at 12:07 PM
Yeah, I spent the whole episode being freaked out by McKey's random British accent, like, is someone fucking with me? Am I hearing things? How did I never notice this before? And if she is British, why isn't she part of the European faction?
The recap is just as fab as ever, so please don't stress about the format. You rock Rich!
Posted by: Becky | November 11, 2008 at 12:10 PM
The new format was a lot of fun. You probably don't hear this enough, but thank you so much. Your recaps make my Mondays (and Tuesdays.)
Posted by: Kristi | November 11, 2008 at 12:23 PM