I prefer butter

The most appropriate response to the passing of Marjorie is awkward silence. See above.

48. Sam

Look, they made her appear untweezed. You'd cry, too.

49. & 50. - Marjorie and Analeigh

 

In the absence of a tub, I'm not really feeling the emotion here.

51. Marjorie

 

Awww, she looks so pretty when she covers her face cries.

I felt for Marjorie, though. In my favorite reality TV trick besides not being there to make friends and throwing someone under the bus, Tyra out-assholed her in a turn so obviously unfair it barely merits discussion. This blog being this blog, however, it is the...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I think you are fighting your nerves, but now it's flat. So it's interesting. It's important to still have something, because the opposite of nerves is not boring."

And here's a second iteration (shading in of the shady, if you will): "What the judges see is a girl that doesn't understand balance. One minute, she's a jittery mess and (high-pitched verbalizing that's just a feather away from an Amerindian stereotype) and then with a couple of notes, has turned into almost a mute. Almost boring. And they loved the light that was in you, but without the nerves. And what you've done is you've tried to please us so much that you've lost the essence of you, which was so beautiful in the first place and what got you here. We just wanted to polish you up a bit."

"Polish you up a bit" or use an 11-episode system of decreasing verbal sandpaper grit till there's nothing left but a toothpick? Well, I got news for you: Marjorie was already a toothpick! Really, though, they've done this shit repeatedly (most infuriatingly with Brittany, who was kicked off Cycle 4 for losing her spark after she was repeatedly admonished for being too sexy) and what it amounts to is beating the life out of a girl and then asking, "Why are you dead?" There is no such thing as pleasing the judges too much, since they control fate. The entire fucking point of doing anything on this show is to please the judges! You know the accusatory cliche, "Do as I say, not as I do"? This situation is more like, "Do as I say, not as I say." Impossible.

Here's Marjorie's treatment in a nutshell...

 

She's a pawn, a springboard, an inspiration for fuckery. I guess that's how it goes for all the girls, really, which makes Tyra's attempt to openly rationalize it refreshing, since it cuts away a lot of the pretension of do-gooding. But it doesn't make it any less despicable.

Luckily, I happen to adore despicable! Thus:

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

That's her whisper-howling, "She's sexy," in reference to fucking Ann Shoket. When saying something pains a career bullshitter of Tyra Banks' caliber to the point of wincing, you know it's woefully false. And look, Ann Shoket isn't hideous or anything. She's virtually eye candy compared to Atoosa Rubenstein. But of all the adjectives that come to mind describing her, sexy is just ahead of "Nubian" in my mind.

Seriously, imagine her nude. I dare you.

1. For similar fun, imagine Marjorie nude.

 

The mercy that a shirt affords is but one reason that I found myself actually and thoroughly endeared to Marjorie just in time for her dismissal. Leave it to a monster like Tyra Banks to make me actually feel for this human piddle machine. But even before Marjorie was put through the wringer as Tyra said, "Just because we put you through it doesn't mean you had to be wrung," I found her, at last, amusing. First of all, I love that she raises her eyebrows to drink.

 

 

 

It helps you absorb the alcohol, see. It's like coughing while smoking pot. A drunk nervous person whined that to me once.

Second of all, I love that she got drunk, period, and then got all kinds of exposed-tongue on the dudes:

 

I'm no Puritan, if you haven't noticed, but there's something inherently penisy and vaginay about exposed tongue on TV. I guess, at the end of the day to me, pink is pink.

Third of all, I love Marjorie's philosophy for getting crunked up in the first place:

 

"Because I was the only girl drinking, everyone else could take care of me, so I knew I was safe. Ha!" OMG, exactly. That's like engineering your own designated driver. Does GM know about this girl? She could save the auto industry. Or at least, you know, the embarrassment of future reality contestants set to dangle their reputations over the balcony of public judgment.

Fourth of all, I love this broke-down baby-doll of a quote:

 

"When I lose my nerves, I lose my edge." What we didn't get to see was the rest of the scene, when she went into detail on her edge-losing process. I have a transcript of the trimmed recitation:

"Yeah, I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge.
The Cycle 12 girls are coming up from behind.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to the kids from France and from London, who are more European than I am.
These bitches are so Euro, they can't physically produce tears.
Not enough internal salt.
But I was there.
Especially in France.
I was there!

I was there in 2003.
I was there at the first judging in New York.
I watched Tyra throw a big cloth over two fold-out tables and call it her quarters.
I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge to the kids whose footsteps I hear when Clydesdales march.
I'm losing my edge to the Internet seekers who take unflattering screen shots of me in between expressions.
I'm losing my edge.
To all the kids in Modelville and guesting on Project Runway.
I'm losing my edge to the girls with things that might or might not be actual, you know, things.
But I'm losing my edge.
I'm losing my edge, but I was there.
I was there.
But I was there.
I'm losing my edge.

I'm losing my edge.
I can hear the footsteps every night on the runway in the living room.
Analeigh's teaching kids how to walk and I love her like a lesbian, but she shouldn't be doing that.
But I was there.
I was there in Cycle 3, when bitch poured beer on Tiffany's weave.
I was there in Cycle 4, when bitch screamed nonsense in Tiffany's ear.
I was there when Janice left the show to start her own modeling agency. I told her, 'Don't do it that way. You'll never make a dime.'
I gave Miss J., the idea for a weekly judging gimmick. I said, 'Pick yo fro, gurrrrlllll!'
I was there.
I was there with a number on my shirt and a flower on my breast.
I was the first girl doing Aswirl in front of straight people.
I did it in a converted church.
Everybody thought I was crazy.
We all know.
I was there.
I was there.
I've never been wrong.

Respieto, I was there.
Lustin', I was there.
Wholahay, I was there.
'Leftover Lady,' I was there.
Blonde inside, I was there.
Alcoholic bitch, I was there.
Pigmentosa, I was there.
Infatigo, I was there.
Mama didn't raise me, Daddy didn't raise me, I was there.
I'm gay, happy Mothers Day, I was there.
You had sex? I did, and I was there.
Girl, you walk like you on crack, I was there.
The girl with all the potential in the world, I was there.
The camera loves you, we were all there
so
many
times.

I stole the granola bar.
I was there."

She then proceeded to silk screen a cover for the 7" that would house this masterpiece.

 

2. But see, despite my gratitude for the opportunity to completely exaggerate and create nonsense from her assertion, I don't think Marjorie lost her edge at all. If anything else, she was more of a lunatic this episode than ever. You know how Olive Oyl's arms squiggle when she's in distress? Marjorie's body squiggles as a matter of fact. Let's try to decode some of her most outstanding gestures, shall we?

 

OK, so she's reading oral-sex instructions and she's so excited by them, she can't up but try them out immediately!

 

Someone just informed her that wine is a carb.

 

This is her way of telegraphing that her pain is reminiscent of that of a rubber band snapping itself.

 

This is how you sing "Shake It Off" in silent French. I dare you to find something classier.

 

Sometimes, you just have to go running in the rain. Here's a great way of wiping your invisible windshield.

 

This is the perfect way to greet someone that you know but don't want to talk to. The more you wax-on-wax-off incoherently, the more you confuse them, the less likely they are to approach. Alternately, this can be used to say goodbye to people that you never wanted to know and/or who never wanted to know you in the first place. Like, oh, say...me, for example.

I'll reiterate with a gif wall tribute:

 

To quote Debbie Gibson, silence speaks a thousand words. These all just happen to be missing vowels.

3. As alluded to before, Marjorie saved herself from complete embarrassment with the help of her sister in vaginahood, Analeigh.

 

As a cock-block, homegirl was downright heroic:

 

And as much as I would have loved to have watched another awkward Shandi moment, I can't help but admire Analeigh's foresight in saving her friend from televised humiliation...if that's what she was trying to do. Part of me thinks that she's reality TV's answer to Jiminy Cricket.

But it could just be that her main motivator is that she's a complete prude. I mean, after this closed-mouth innocence...

...she was positively gushing.

 

...and I'm just talking about her mouth. I don't even want to know what was going on downtown.

 

She's just sooooo...

 

...Trapper Keeper. You know? I'm shocked she felt comfortable to open her legs even this wide:

 

4. And by the way?

 

Total Monet. That crap's a mess and it's not entirely her fault, but ugh. Marjorie's on the other hand?

 

Clueless perfection. Or perfect cluelessness, as it looks like lightning just zapped her out of windmill-preservation concern. In any event: LOVE.

5. And shit, if I were at the challenge, I would have served as a cockblock for Mark Vanderloo...

 

The visible years have him looking like Rob Lowe's uncle...

 

...or, I don't know, Christopher Walken's neice or something.

6. Also regarding the challenge:

 

The dude's facial hair makes this shot sooooo Real Sex. Again, I'm thankful for the presence of clothing, and, for once, that CW stamp.

7. Sam is seriously a center-part away from a butt cut here:

 

Look:

 

What the fuck is going on with her? She looks like she should be listening to Letters to Cleo on her Discman in my sophomore homeroom. When in doubt, Toots, stick with the Pebbles motif...

 

8. And while I'm being nit-picky (since I never ever ever am)...

 

...this widely praised outfit?

 

...already rocked on Episode 5. I think the amount of times you get to dress like a series of prom dresses at once should be limited to once a cycle.

9.

Dude, I told you it was a carb!

10. Jellybag!

I'm starting with one that's not only dead-on, but near-and-dear to my heart:

That's the super-impressive work of Youthana Y., and the original still is from Big Bang Theory, a sitcom that I didn't even know existed. Apparently, people like it. Also, apparently, it had a ANTM subplot this past week. Who knew? (A lot of people, per my inbox, but still...) Unless you count The Comeback, I can't even remember the last sitcom I watched regularly. Just the Ten of Us, maybe? Anyway, Youthana also made this:

 

My friend Sal agrees, at least on the Clumsky-comparison tip.

And speaking of agreeing, so many people independently (I think) thought that Marjorie was channeling Hilary Swank channeling Brandon Teena:

 

Adrienne H., is responsible for that image, but Maggie B., and Laura G., agreed. Maybe other people, too, but my Gmail went down in the middle of me collecting for this week, so I can't be sure. Because of that, I'm even further behind on this endeavor. My Jellybag is cavernous right about now. I think I'm going to have to do an entire post-show post devoted to catching up. ANTM will be off air -- I'll have the time.

Because if I don't, brilliant stuff like this will never see the light of day:

 

That's from Angela N., and this one's from Toni J., who says Marjorie has "Chihuahua eyes":

 

Can't. Argue.

And, in my favorite animal comparison of the week, Emilia B., finds a striking comparison between her cocker spaniel and Analeigh:

Analeigh's temperament is super spaniel-esque, too.

In the non-human category, Rotem P., calls out Analeigh's "freakishly oval face" in this week's close-up for looking much like Humpty Dumpty...

 

...while Grace O., compares Samantha's stance in last week's shoot to MJ's Scarecrow in The Wiz...

 

...and Jennifer K., compares Tyra to Roger from American Dad...

 

Now, normally I wouldn't reference any specific Seth MacFarlane creation unless I were attempting to define "unfunny," but this was too dead-on to ignore. Seriously, the oval eyes, the mouth, the feyness. Love it.

Oh and I compared Elina's whore-not-whore dress to labia, but Lisa K., says it's more Pihrana Plant-esque:

 

And if there's one thing this show is missing, it's parasitic foliage. More of that, please.

And the least human comparison of the week comes from Sarah W.:

 

If I were Johnny Rotten and I saw that, I'd be so pissed about the dental implications. I mean, his teeth are fucked up, but not that fucked up.

Revive R., compares Analeigh to Bijou Phillips in Hostel 2:

 

R.R. reasons: "I know how much you love that movie, and possibly the idea of Analeigh being tortured." I reason: win!

And finally, Kim J., sent this in:

 

So perfect. Yet another Beyonce-Tyra parallel. I know we've seen them in the same place, but I'm still not convinced that they aren't the same person. Enough money could pay for cloning. And in the end, the last name of Tyra's pseudo-self is not "Fierce" (as far as we know), but it really should be.

11. I love how hard My Life as a CoverGirl came back this week...

 

...ah, Titney. So nice to see you again. "I've learned that anyone can be a CoverGirl," she told us. It's funny that she just learned this, as she actually helped teach me it long before this spot. Doesn't even know her own wisdom. What a phenomenal woman.

12. And here's the perfect example of that Whitney quote:

 

...worst Top 3...ever? Certainly since Cycle 9's Saleisha-Chantal-Jenah crapfest. I'm rooting for McKey, but only because I don't carry a Trapper Keeper, and Sam's a joke that has lasted way too long.

In other words, come Wednesday at 9, I'm hoping for more this...

 

...less this...

13. In conclusion: anyone need a metronome?

 

You're welcome.

Comments

[aimee]

first!

~now off to read the post~

[Easter Buffy]

Wow. I've finally found the silver lining to being unemployed.

First!

[Mike]

i cant believe i m the 1st to comment
once again..fantastic recaps!!
cant wait till the finale

[shawn]

Silence does indeed speak a thousand words....

Whitney's boobs were ALL OVER in that commercial. Yikes.

[Erin W.]

I agree on the worst final three ever bit. I mean... if homegirl Marjorie had stuck it out, we'd have the Tourette's-equality covered.

Also... she looked like something out of a Chadwick photoshoot. So much love.

[Jhg812]

OH. MY. GOD. HILARIOUS.

I actually like this top three. I just wish Elina and Sheena hadn't gone so early. Analeigh-Elina-Sheena would have been amazing.

[aimee]

Awesome recap!
I thought it was so unfair that Marjorie got kicked out for taking their feedback too. Their real reason is probably the fact that she wasn't acting model-like with her drunkenfest, or rather, she was acting how they'd like to pretend models don't act.
McKey should obviously win... but let's see what madness they come up with.

[I'm just sayin'...]

'Infatigo' -- lol!

[JACK deKoff]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[siskun]

Actually I like this final three.

I was rooting for McKey in the beginning, and I thought Samantha was hot,but Analeigh did nothing for me. A McKey/Marjorie/Sheena or Lauren Brie final three was what I was anticipating.

They are not bad, but compared to past final threes they are not horrible (Cycles 7-10 ring a bell to you?)

[Mike]

Second (ish)! Here's hoping I'm first next week and have my post displayed as digital art.

[Tommy]

Fantastic.

Thank you for the Tyra bobble head to keep time to.

[Mike]

Oh, and awesome post. But it's always like that. :)

[Easter Buffy]

Oaky, second, but I promise that Aimee's post wasn't up when I hit the send button.

Coming down to another finale and, alas, another long dry spell of no Rich ANTM recaps. Wah.

Loved the Tom Joad poem. At last, a Ya Ya reference!

I don't know if it's the worst final three (yes, Cycle 9 wins that dubious honor). I bet on McKey because of her placement in the group makeover photo. Tyra loves to eliminate all the obvious contestants, and she does that by whittling away at the girls in the center of the photo. This geographic behavior of elimination means that either Sam or McKey are the likely winner, with McKey, hidden in the back, most likely to win. If I take that logic one step further, Analeigh is next to go, with the final walk off being between McKey and Sam.

Good call on the purple outfit worn by McKey twice to panel. She looks like Snow White, yet not.

[Paradiseimp]

McKey is the clear winner.

[Bea]

not as bad as thd Saleisha-Chantel-Jenah top three but pretty damn close. McKey has to win because if Sam or Analeigh takes this then I will offically only watch ANTM for the horrific parody it has become.

Also i've just noticed Analeigh and Saleisha did noone teach these girls I before E except after C??

[Vanessa]

So, really? You think the top 3 is crappy on the Saleisha level? I think McKey is striking as hell and has improved bucketloads. Sam and Annaleigh take good pix but don't strike me as modelly but they certainly don't approach that level of suck. I'm just so glad that that girl from the European country called "Ukraine" Elina won't be in contention.

Are you just sad our beloved Sheena is not top 3?

Also, typical ANTM bullshit in the dismissal of Marjorie. At least it wasn't dumping a plus sized girl for losing her spark this time.

[DLCS]

Thank you for the Marjorie Twitch-Fest. I'm off to pack up some of my future stepson's Concerta for a care package. Where do I send it?

Whitney's bazongas do NOT bounce like Nik's. Nik had historic, saving-the world bounce.

Analeigh=puppy made me spit tea. There's a book called "Breaking Bad News With Baby Animals" and Analeigh would make a perfect "The kid isn't yours" baby animal postcard.

Sam scares me. McKey scares me more. The top pho-to with the Purple Blouse Of DOOOOOM looks like she's about to lunge at the judges' table and rip Tyrag's weave out with her teeth. On second thought, that would kind of kick ass.

Yo for the win. The other two for a cage match.

[g]

awesome

[Rachel D.]

The last verse of your Majorie remix is pure awesomeness and - by leaps and measures - the highlight of my day thus far.

I stole the granola bar.
I was there."

WIN.

[Grace]

I just have to geek out and say 'I totally made the jellybag!' To be acknowledged by Rich in an ANTM posts as well as in the comments on Jezebel makes me very happy. Much more than it should really.

Now that I've gotten that out. I have to say I love Titney but as a 'juicy booty' feemal myself I can say she needs to invest in a better bra. She should not be bouncing all over the place like that it's dangerous for potential passers-by.

Word on the Sheena, Analeigh, Elina final 3. But I like McKey I hope she wins. Then Sheena, Analeigh, and Elina can have real careers, Marjorie too.

and maybe Sam will just....go away.

[em]

sam should have gone home! and im not even on team marjorie..but they didnt even bring up that she won the challenge..or that her photo was somewhat "haunting"
Great recap...and im pulling for analeigh bc i loved fullhouse, and like to be reminded of my trapperkeeper/goldenretriever/tgif.

farking hi-LOR-ious.
the title alone had me snickering.
loved the marjorie ani-gifs.
thank you, rich!

[sarah]

This was possibly the most painful episode of ANTM ever. I almost couldn't make it through it.

[Emma]

Worst top 3 ever? For real? I've watched Cycles 1, 5 and 10 and I think this is actually a nice, talented bunch of girls.

Say what you want about Analeigh, but I find her kind of sincere and charming. McKey's boring on a personal level but a great model. Sam's kind of a joke, but one that's grown on me.

I can see McKey doing runway and Analeigh and Sam going the 'commercial' route.