Santa issues

When some kid on the bus told a second-grade me that there was no Santa Claus, I refused to believe him. I also refused to believe my father, who backed up the kid's claim later that night. I refused to believe him despite the fact that he was the authority as the stand-in for a fake man who, in turn, was a stand-in for Jesus, I guess? To help kids make sense of the reason everyone puts their lives on hold during the last two weeks of every year? Or something?

I didn't carry resentment after coming to terms with life's evaporating magic, but it might have been my first taste of existential angst. What the fuck was the point of it all if there was no Santa, and what the fuck was the point of the mass deception parents inflict on their children as a matter of culture, I wondered (in probably less wordy, but no less profane terms). The Santa thing still doesn't make sense to me. It seems like something we do to uphold the divide between young and middle years, just for the sake of organizing and having a little less chaos (like magic!) in our lives. Childhood, after all, is a construct, at least if you agree with Neil Postman, and I'm inclined to. I asked the only sister of mine who has a kid if she was going to lie to him about Santa and she said she was, "because it's fun." That seems like as good of a reason as any. If you're too old to play with toys, get a kid and play with them.

Plus, you know, Santa's a symbol of capitalism, and while I enjoy the fruits of the system (until the depression!), celebrating it with a mythological figure is like putting whipped cream on whole milk or using liquid soap to wash your bar of Dial or giving trophies to rich famous people for doing what has caused their fame and fortune. It's just excessive to the point of, well, pointlessness.

Because I feel like Santa Claus and his frigid bitch of a wife need to be taken down a notch or two, I really love Silent Night, Deadly Night, the 1984 slasher flick that finds a dude in a Santa suit on a murderous rampage, caused by an inability to get over his parents' death (at the hands of another dude in a Santa suit). Unpon release, the movie caused outrage in bored mothers across the country, who I guess, under it all, felt like their charade was being threatened? Their protests eventually led to the commercial being yanked from the airwaves and the flick being pulled from theaters. Aligning with their point of view, Siskel and Ebert did a very good job of summing up the ire with their condescending capsule review (complete with "Shame on you"s!) that ran a few weeks after SNDN hit theaters:

I can't figure out what's better: Siskel saying the profits of this movie are "blood money," which probably means one could make a FORTUNE from selling a coat made out of the Easter Bunny (if only we could catch the fucker!) or Ebert's parting morality: "I would like to hear [the creators] explain to their children and their grandchildren that it's only a movie." As if that discussion is so much harder than the "There is no Santa Claus" one! If we didn't lie as a society in the first place, the fucking movie couldn't have been made! Who's unfair?

So yeah, even though Silent Night, Deadly Night isn't particularly smart or clever or overtly deviant from the slasher format (besides the costumes), for its implicit attack on the status quo alone, it's a worthy entry in the genre and fine holiday viewing. It's also scary as hell at some points. When I put in this movie last year late one night, this early scene scared me so much that I had to turn it off and resume watching during the day:

I hate how Grandpa looks at the kid at the 1:15 mark! Even just reviewing it to get that timecode made me shudder. (My pussiness grows by the day, I'm realizing.) I also like how hilarious everything that follows is. Particularly, "Santa Clawwwwsh." This guy is going for Oscar in a movie that cost less than the metal in the statue.

Also, the ending is, in the words of one YouTube poster, EPIC:

Society-skeptical question at its core? Clippable crazy old man? Epic ending? I mean, how more Internet-ready could this thing be? Clearly this shit was ahead of its time. And on a more serious note, this type of wake-up call that questions our values as a whole is good for us, even if we ultimately refuse to accept it. I'd go as far as calling it a gift.

Comments

[Kevin Babbles]

Siskel's such a smug fuck. How is turning Santa into a horror villain tarnishing his image any more than turning him into a symbol of ridiculously overblown consumerism?

My first instinct was to write him an equally holier-than-thou email, but then I remembered he's dead. Point for Santa.

[kermode]

PUNISH!

[meg]

"naughty"

haha...wonder what became of that kid?

[Megan J]

Hey Meg- Check IMDB.com!

Those clips were hilarious enough to make me want to netflix that movie. BTW, netflix is totally a verb, just like google. So there.

[frumpiefox]

Ha! And Ebert LURRRVED "Bad Santa." He even makes a point that the movie's acceptable, nay, delightful because it's intended for adult audiences--so, I'm assuming he thought "Silent Night" was a family flick, if you have to explain it to your kids.

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20031126/REVIEWS/311260302/1023

[trix]

SN,DN is a great movie, a yuletide tradition in my house, accompanied by Black Christmas (of course), Tales From the Crypt (1972), and an even more nutso movie, Christmas Evil.

The opening sequence to SN,DN is so over the top offensive its hilarious. Seriously, that's probably some of the most offensive stuff ever commited to film, not only does Santa rape a woman, but a little 4 year old kid is watching it all unfold.

YIKES.

And by the way, in our family we totally tell the kids the Santa lie. And you know what, I'm totally happy to do it. I never was crushed beyond all reason or pissed when I found out that it was a lie, rather, I kind of felt like I had suddenly passed this bridge and was now "in" on the whole thing with my parents. Plus, like your sister says, when you have your own kids its incredibly amusing to get your kids all excited over some imaginary being.

[Carolyn]

I loved part 2 when I was a kid. I would rent it all year round. It was so cheesy bad. It really is the cause of why I now love all the trash I do now.

[kate witherspoon]

Rich! I so wish you had a gig where you reviewed, or shall I say relished, every horror film which comes out and those noteworthy from years past. Have seen @ least 20 Horror films courtesy your stamp of approval and have never been disappointed. I recently asked in an e-mail for a rec of one which would actually scare me-you suggested "The Strangers". Let's just say I was a nervous wreck and up all night w/lights on after viewing. Keep these posts coming...
Happy Holidays.

[Bapril]

I wish that old guy was my Grandpa.

I absolutely love horror movies with a Christmas theme. Watching Black Christmas (I've seen both versions, but prefer the new one) is becoming a holiday tradition.

Feliz Navidad, ya'll.

[Shelly Johnson]

I just saw this for the first time last night at a theater near my house. Double feature with Black Christmas. Loved it! I loved the headless body on a sled. I was a little disappointed, because I thought for sure they would play up his negative association with nipples. Like when he saw the nuns nipples and it reminded him of his moms. pretty stellar.

[Chris]

Rich, it sounds like you're having a bad holiday so far! :(

You need some nog and turkey :)

[paolo]

Wait Rich, we're you ever on blogspot? Or is my mind just being silly...

[Kellan]

Did the title of this post change?.......I feel like it was in reference to Brittany Murphy's singing and a great campy movie from the 60's....mmmm.

[sairentohiru]

You've probably already gotten a thousand e-mails on this, but Winston makes a cartoon cameo on Cute Overload today:

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/2008/12/goodbye-macworl.html

I would totally hit up that booth for some serious Winston merch.

[brian]

I would pay to see Rich in some vintage Elvira drag with some fake Mary Carey tits doing reviews of Horror b-movies.

[Joe]

Pussy! LOL. You really are getting soft in your old age, my friend. You know what? Murdering Santa is so much better than hip, cool, modern Santa from the Palm Centro commercials. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQw_--H3foI How I despise that Santa. How I want to punch his DJ-ing face and shove his golf club up his ass and make him cry. In defense of Siskel, it *was* a pretty shocking concept at the time. Santa and Christmas were considered pretty untouchable when SNDN came out.

[BrnEyedGirl676]

I think you need a Christmas hug...

I understand that this holiday is just an excuse to spend, spend, spend BUT - I have a daughter that I want to keep as a child for as long as possible & Santa, Walt Disney World and the Tooth Fairy are just a few of the things that may keep her from turning into an agressive adolescent before her time.

Maybe I'm nostalgic about my own childhood, but I look back fondly on having the opportunity to make-believe of worlds and characters that did not exist - encouraged to dream by my parents and grandparents. I don't think they looked too hard on the fact that the wonderment in their child's eyes was the direct result of their money going into "The Man's" pocket. Most children understand that Santa is another make-believe character, just like the cartoons they see on TV or toys they could find in a store.

So this holiday I'm helping my daughter put out cookies and milk for Santa, carrots & granola for the reindeer and hanging up the stockings on the fireplace. Bah-humbug, Rich!

[Stephanie]

I have kids and I never did the whole Santa thing with them. I remember feeling so confused and betrayed when I found out about Santa. I was like, "If my parents are lying about this, what else are they lying about?" It was a huge lie, and for no good reason.

The thing is, all of society conspires to keep the thing going. That fat fucker is everywhere. It was easy enough before my kids started school, but for three years I had to explain to teachers that my kids knew The Truth. They'd all look at me like I was some horrible person depriving them of the wonder of childhood. Um, no, I'm just not going to lie or force them to sit on some stranger's lap and beg for crappy stuff they're going to be sick of in five minutes.

So anyway, you rock for this post and Merry Christmas.

[degamarie]

I remember when this first came out and I asked my mom can we go to see it (the only place that was showing it was this movie theater on Fordham Rd near my grandparents house) and she said no because I had a big mouth and I might tell my father or my grandparents and she would never hear the end of it (I was four). We watched it together when it came on cable the following year. No nightmares; just laughs.

As for the Santa lie. My mom and I had this conversation when I was in college and she told me that she never said there was or wasn't a Santa. She just let me believe the lie because pre-school was telling all the kids about Santa and she didn't want to hurt my feelings. At first I didn't believe her but when I thought about it all of my Christmas Gifts said who they were from (i.e. "mommy and daddy" or "grandma and granddad" or "grandpapa"). So in my case sometimes you don't even need to tell the kids about Santa. School does it for you.

[BartenderJay]

Oh God.....SN,DN was the first movie to give me nightmares. me and my brother slept on my moms floor for a week. Only saw it the one time 20 yrs ago, but the images of the girl getting skewered on the antlers and the box cutter scene are forever BURNED into my memory.

[val]

Totally with you on the Santa thing. I was just hanging out at my aunt's house the other day, and she was so worried because her kids (8 and 9) were hearing other kids on the playground saying Santa isn't real. She was seriously distraught about it and told her son a big mess of even more lies, that these kids don't know what they're talking about, they're going on the naughty list, etc etc...

The whole time in my head I was just thinking, who fucking cares? The kids are old enough to think on their own. What is the point of perpetuating this lie?

And then I remembered when I was about 8 and finally figured out there was no Santa. But kept pretending I believed for like another 3 years, because I was just scared that I wouldn't get any presents otherwise.

So pointless...

[nidra]

Wait...there's no Santa?!??!?

[kelly]

The story of Santa is also about helping to expand a childs imagination. Same with ny fantasy story.

[Pgulvbvf]

UQ9Sjx

[used adult tricycles]

This is so funny. I had no idea. With all the wine they drink you would think they would be up for a little fun! So much resentment towards the US. Their loss.....
Congrats on the EP!