fourfour's R&B Gift-Buying Guide

Christmastime means a deluge of new music releases attempting to cash-in on the mass consumerism of the season. And this year, for me that means a stack of CDs (or, MP3s) that I want to talk about but haven't yet gotten around to. Combining the spirit of releasing with the spirit of giving, I've come up with a rough guide to seven recent high-profile R&B albums. Since the quietly diabolical Leona Lewis has reintroduced pop to the lame sensibilities of adult contemporary, I've tailored this guide to mothers: the question at the center of these capsules is, "Could you buy it for you mom?" The answers may dismay you.

Keyshia Cole, A Different Me

What is it? Keyshia Cole’s egocentrism takes a turn for the sexier, at least according to this album's intro (with albums titled The Way It Is and Just Like You under her belt, at least she could never be faulted for thematic ambiguity). But saying she’s sexier here than before is like saying Spanx are sexier than girdles; while technically true, no one’s getting off either way. No, A Different Me isn’t Keyshia’s janet., but it is an opportunity for her to sound less pissy on tape, and she achieves that even without a grand announcement of "no more drama."

Any good? Yeah, it’s fucking great, her most consistently enjoyable album. Song-for-song it’s one of the strongest R&B albums of the year (up there with Ne-Yo’s Year of the Gentleman and Mariah’s E=MC²), though you couldn’t tell by the first single. The years-old “Playa Cardz Right” is the oddest choice for a lead R&B single since Jade’s similarly laconic “5-4-3-2 Yo! Time Is Up,” and Keyshia doesn’t even have the benefit of the pseudo-gimmick that is a countdown. Also, Jesus Christ, is 2Pac passé or what? He’s, like, twice dead now. Me is otherwise filled with stuff to keep her profile up through ’09 – it’s Viagra to Urban radio’s boner. The smooth electro of “Please Don’t Stop” sums up Ciara’s career in four minutes and soulfully, to boot. “Thought You Should Know” lovingly recalls the stripped down 808 ballads Jam & Lewis perfected with the S.O.S. Band. “You Complete Me” overcomes its Jerry Maguire-ness with gently futuristic drum programming, while “Beautiful Music” is the disco song of a very disco year. And I haven’t even mentioned my favorite track on melody alone, the My Life-caliber laid-back hip-hop soul of “No Other.” Flat-out beautiful stuff.

There are stumbles, however. “Oh-Oh Yeah-Yea” has about as much to say as its title suggests (it’s really an overlong interlude) and “This Is Us” is the single worst thing Keyshia will ever lend her voice to...if that is her voice (worst use of Autotune in an extremely Autotuned year, and she’s not flossing the robo-effect or anything). It’s her cleaned-up, acoustic bid for a major pop crossover and that she dives right into Wilson Phillips territory shows just how misguided a shot this is. Different is one thing; denial is another and this just is not Keyshia. It’s not that she should be condemned to a life in the hood, but she need not dabble in this dentist-office garbage.

Could you buy it for your mom? If your mom is more a Yvonne, this is probably a little too electronic and contemporary. If she’s a Frankie, go for it. If you misspell your biological mother’s name like Keyshia does in the booklet (“Franky”), however, the best gift you could give to your mom is a spelling lesson for yourself.

Jamie Foxx, Intuition

What is it? Another fucking Jamie Foxx album.

Any good? As someone who genuinely enjoyed Unpredictable, even I think this one’s pointless. From the Autotune to the Lil Wayne, T.I. and Kanye guest spots to the Timbaland rave-up (“I Don’t Need It” should have been titled “Not Sexy, Wack”), to the club stomper (“Digital Girl”) to the vastly inferior “I Luv Your Girl” retread, “Blame It,” we’ve heard this so many times before. If there were even a shred of self-consciousness, I’d give this one the benefit of the doubt as an exploration of the R&B cliché. As is, it just seems kind of desperate, like a rich kid who spends a ton of money to look like the cool kids, developing no taste of his own in the process.

Could you buy it for your mom? No. Given Jamie Foxx’s other, more visible and high-brow career as an actor, this album will only confuse her.

Anthony Hamilton, The Point of It All

What is it? Another fucking Anthony Hamilton album.

Any good? The thing is, that at one point, I thought he was capable of releasing something more than just another Anthony Hamilton album. His voice, with the pained character of a facial scar, would seem to be able to sell anything, but even it has its limits, it seems. There are some lovely moments here (he does the smooth thing effortlessly and a lot better than Robin Thicke, who devolved into self parody when he channeled Sade on his latest album), but there’s also “Her Heart,” produced with arpeggiated reverb to suggest what? Chicago? Celine? It’s a track about how hard living as a musician is on a loved one, as if Hamilton didn’t do that years ago and miles better with “Charlene.” And then there’s the sappy title track, in which Hamilton reveals, “The point of it all is I love you.” This is R&B! That point goes without saying! And really, so would the rest of the album.

Could you buy it for your mom? As long as she doesn’t own another Anthony Hamilton album, sure. If she does, skip it. If you’ve heard one, you’ve heard ‘em all.

Musiq Soulchild, OnMyRadio

What is it? Further adventures in taking word-spacing liberties.

Any good? It’s not perfect, but annoyingly competent. Any excitement (Musiq acting like What’s the 411? never existed/trail-blazed and throwing down some circa-’88-hip-hop soul on “Backagain,” and then, a few songs later, teaming with Mary herself on the lovely second single “Ifuleave”) is sort of absorbed by the cheery banality of it all. This is kind of the (jus-friends-) sunny dispositional answer to the Anthony Hamilton disc.

Could you buy it for your mom? Yes. If she doesn’t dig his grammar, she’ll at least be wooed by the niceness that the non-mom segment of the population generally scoffs.

Brandy, Human

What is it? Brandy’s post wrongful-death statement.

Any good? Nah. It’s so obsessed with giving Brandy her own “Irreplaceable,” it devotes too many of its tracks to the endeavor. It’s too safe and too boring and almost kind of showtuney in its adult-oriented R&B way (Brandy’s annoyingly perfect, showboating voice doesn’t help matters). Most nauseating is “Warm It Up (With Love).” If you can even get past the title, you’ll find sub-Jordin Sparks, pseudo-inspirational schmaltz that’s so squeaky clean it seems more like an initiative to restore your hymen than a pop song. On the up side, low-key first single “Right Here (Departed)” is catchy, but “Long Distance” is the real winner here. Rodney Jerkins gives Brandy a soaring piano ballad with strings and giant tympani beats that swells and swells till it dramatically ebbs, playing your heartstrings like a rubber band. Here, the theatricality becomes cinematic and Steinman-esque in that it’s as poignant as it is ridiculous.

Could you buy it for your mom? Absolutely. And I mean that in the most insulting way possible.

Akon, Freedom

What is it? Well, when it’s good, it’s a bold, straight-up dance album from one of pop's few lasting sure-bets.

Any good? The first six tracks are as good as any R&B-dance released this year. When Akon is at his most lyrically vague and anthem-aspiring (“Right Now (Na Na Na),” “Beautiful”), he’s basically creating 2008’s answer to freestyle: weird voice, melodrama and electro beats and all. The neon-house of “Keep You Much Longer” manages to out-epic Chris Brown’s “Forever” and “We Don’t Care” is a big fuck-you to those who don’t want him fucking on stage. He’s so on-point that even his money track is lovable (“I’m So Paid”). Even in this economy! Freedom kind of tapers off as it goes, reexamining the mid-tempo bangers that Akon has been annoying us with for years now. But nothing can diminish the power of the album’s first half. And yeah, I can’t believe I’m so convicted about Akon material, but there you go. The world changes in weird ways during the holidays.

Could you buy it for mom? Well, it’s good aerobicizing accompaniment. I can tell you that much.

Pretty Ricky, Eighties Babies

What is it? Fuck music for an era that’s sorely lacking in the sub-genre.

Any good? I’m almost embarrassed to say I think so. It hits the spot in the most nostalgic way possible, which is absolutely its intent, given the title. Eighties could bridge Jodeci’s first two albums – it doesn’t have the epic scope of Diary of a Mad Band, but it isn’t as slow and syrupy as Forever My Lady, either. That said, Eighties all about the ballads and they’re pretty great. “Let You Go” is an anthem in the tradition of New Edition. It’s a shame no one cares about Pretty Ricky anymore (again, I can’t believe I just typed those words!) because this should be career-defining. “4 Play,” meanwhile, recalls Babyface’s work on Tevin Campbell’s classic I’m Ready, chiming keyboard sound and all. Fuck the title – if you cared about R&B in the ‘90s, it’ll be hard to resist this thing’s dirty charms. I mean, they cover H-Town’s “Knockin’ Da Boots,” and it’s, like, good and stuff.

Could you buy it for Mom? On one hand, if you’re cool with your mom listening to songs that include lyrics like, “One two, I’m coming for you / Three four, you better lock your door / ‘Cause I’m a beast in the sheets / Tonight I’m gonna eat out your pussay…pussaaaay” and “I put some coke on that pussy and then I sniff it / I pour some coke and Henney in that ass and then I lick it / L-l-l-lick it,” that’s your business and I’m staying out of it. On the other, it's weirdly appropriate: giving is giving and this is the holiday season. (Not that it matters anyway, since their Wikipedia says that this album's leak effectively canceled plans for a release. So if you do give this, it'll have to be a bootleg burned disc. Again, it'll be weirdly appropriate.)

Comments

[spazmo]

It amuses me to imagine Pretty Ricky's band members wandering the aisles of Wal-Mart trying to pick out the perfect Christmas gift for "that special lady in their life".

"Yo, what's this thing do?"
"It's a massager, homes."
"Yeah? Like, for her pussaaay?"
"Straight up, bro. See that little slot?
Thas where you pour in da Coke."
"Nice. You bring da coupons?"

[bevskid1]

Um, my little 4/4 angel? Where is your holiday mix for the faithful?..

[Jerome]

OMG, I LOVED 5-4-3-2 Yo! Time Is Up. I know it was a flop (and the rest of the album basically sucked), but that song was the shit at the time.

[Tom]

All of these albums and artists suck.

[Chris]

The only thing I like is the font on the cover of Akon's album.

[Noel]

Rich, I feel that typically we agree musically on almost everything. However, I really enjoy the new Brandy album. Maybe its the fact that this has been a depressing and slightly soul-crushing year and this time Brandy and her positivity is actually infecting me and making me feel better, and I have not had an album have that effect in forever. That is why I love R&B in the first place and why it will always reach my mind and heart in a way nothing else can . I urge you to give the songs "A Capella" and "Piano Man" another listen. Also the album has lots to offer from a strictly pothead place. Brandy delivers layers and layers of beautiful harmonies that in the past two weeks have had me both in goosebumps and tears. Combined with Darkchild creating epic production to go with it all. It is an album where you can tell they were in the studio perfecting everything together and not just singing over beats. I thank Brandy for that. Cheese is abundant for sure but it has it's moments and they are intensely Human to me. (and I didn't even plan to work back to the title track)

[Holy Cuteness]

Good blog. And I would never buy Pretty Ricky for my mom, well the cd I mean...
I wish you great holidays!

[Sarah G]

What did you think of Raphael Saadiq's throwback album this year? I kind of love it, save for the Jay-Z remix that is too painfully forced for words. You can definitely buy it for mom (maybe even grandma).

[jubilat]

i am totally buying the brandy album for my mom.

[Chupacabra]

What about Miss Badu...or is she just poo poo?

[Jerome]

I also wanted to second the above poster in that I disagree with your assessment of Brandy's album, which I really like. I was never a huge fan (it all sort of went downhill after the "I Wanna Be Down" remix, IMHO), but had picked up her "Best of" a few years back and decided that, actually, all of the songs are good. So, I was fairly eager to hear her new album, which, although corny at times, is full of immaculately produced, beautifully sung, intricately layered, uplifting pop/R&B ("urban pop") songs and is really very good in a 7/10 sort of way.

[LoveMyselfFirst]

OK Rich you are so a friend in my head.. and you had me dying with this entry..

[Childfree Sexpot]

Love the Keyshia album and knew I would because she is a hot bitch and all of her albums are hot, but I too was STUNNED by the song "This Is Us".

This is nowhere near "Authentic Keyshia Cole"...nowhere near! UGH! TAKE IT AWAY PLEEEZE!

Immediately upon listening to it I wondered aloud "IS THIS A FUCKING DIANE WARREN SONG?"

I checked the liner notes and it isn't, but just the mere fact that I initially thought it was speaks VOLUMES.

[The Management]

I laughed out loud at the mom part of Pretty Ricky!!!! I have listened to every cd you listed less Akon and Pretty Ricky *I don't like having my ears bleed*

1. Anthony - I like it. His first cd is the best and continues to remain the best, but I love the title track even if you don't :)

2. Musiq - I like it ... its a Musiq Soulchild cd ...

3. Brandy - I was disappointed that I didn't really enjoy any tracks on the cd. The best thing she's done lately is her cameo on "Quickly" with John Legend

4. Keyshia - I can't get into, but I'm going to try ...

[Solange's Manager @ Best Buy]

Keyshia's album is made of poo.
This Is Us is just a Big Girls Don't Cry remake.

The album sounds like her previous albums and seriously Rich, I don't get your obsession with Keyshia nor Mary. You listen to one of their songs you have listened to them all. Samey samey and could be in ANY of their albums. Yet you slammed Beyonce for not being introspective in her new album (err, she doesn't write her own songs DUH). I seriously don't know how you 'gauge' whether an album is good or not. I think you prefer all these 'raw' 'imperfect' "unpolished" vocals ala Mary and Mary 2.0. Hell, that's what studio is for; to polish your damn vocals! And I'm tired of all these pain-joy-pain-joy cycles so Mary and Mary 2.0 sit your behind down!!! Let Mariah, Beyonce, Rihanna and Brandy rule the urban arena. They innovate instead of sticking to the same ol same ol Bryan Cox sound!!!!! RANT OVER!!

[Bunny]

Duuude YES!!! on the keishia cole bandwagon Actually my brother got me her new album and a roku netflix player for christmas but I was way more excited about this

[Zradkxeg]

4Q2P7G

[diffrent ypes of adipex]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[Health News]

Thank you for introducing me the wonderful information.And .....Totally boring.!

[gun lock]

You are so funny! Though I'm not an expert, your descriptions of the French perfectly matches my perception of them, especially the fear of embarrassment.

[Polycarbonate sheet]

This is so funny. I had no idea. With all the wine they drink you would think they would be up for a little fun! So much resentment towards the US. Their loss.....
Congrats on the EP!

[Polycarbonate greenhouse]

Looks tasty! I've been doing the Atkins diet for 3 weeks and will try this. My diet is so limited now. Thanks for sharing!

[car clock]

Yup, the assassination simile was perfect. Really enjoyed this, your writing voice is delightful.