Would you help me? I'd help me. I'd help me so hard.

Speaking of naked gender-fucking, I'm going cuckoo bananas over this track. Literally. Someone named Krikor did a dance edit of Q. Lazzarus' "Goodbye Horses" (aka the song that was playing when you were introduced to the concept of penis tucking via Silence of the Lambs). It's on Dirty Edits Vol. 2, which is actually across-the-board awesome. The beefed up beats and focus on the song's more ambient textures make this fairly tracky in its own right. In this form, it's a straight up dance track and it's almost able to detach entirely from that scene and just exist, which is unbelievable as that scene is fucking iconic thanks in no small part to its soundtrack (fun fact: the singer of this song is a woman, shockingly, so gender fuck was used to score gender fuck -- genius!). The problem? It sounds like shit. The balance is off, and when I just tried to go in and set it right, it actually ended up sounding worse and distorted. I think the problem has to do with the new percussion being balanced on both sides, while the left channel's everything else is not (it sounds like it's shorting -- the vocals and instruments sort of flicker in and out the whole time). This is pretty much impossible to listen to on headphones, so if anyone with more sound editing knowledge than me has any ideas on how to make this sound right, please let me know. Or just do it for me and send it to me. For Christmas or something. I have no idea why they put a track sounding like this on a release, unofficial as it is. Did they, like, forget to listen to the track they were working on? Do they just want to drive us crazy like Buffalo Bill, obsessed with how close this track is to becoming realized and plagued by the fact that it will never be as such? Why does Krikor hate me and does he have a poodle I could use as a bargaining chip?

Won't you, in the spirit of holiday giving, put this lotion in my basket? Please?

Update (and so soon!): A reader whose email handle I'll abbreviate to M.F. just sent me the fixed version of this and it's as beautiful as I dreamed. Enjoy! I know I will.

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