A-Nijah-lated

When Tyra barks, "Push! Tension! Strong!" as a girl is leaving her chambers and it still isn't enough to elicit a single tear or declaration of regret, it's obvious that said girl hasn't been beaten down. You know what that means, right? Nijah wins, guys. She gets to ride the Great Glass Elevator and she gets to run the chocolate factory.

(Also, yeah, I said it: Tyra Barks.)

35. Tahlia

 

You know, because Tahlia is so out of place even in a beauty competition noted for its mediocrity, there's an easily ignored but nonetheless existent voice that crops up in my head advising against going into her too hard. It's like kicking someone when they're down or burning a burn victim. What's the point, right? But then, in the example above, when she flew into a fit upon being called out by Natalie for having the worst picture last week, I lost all sympathy for her. It's not like Natalie just blurted it out -- she had to reveal her opinion. They were playing truth or dare, OK? If she kept it in, she would have had to face consequences that may or may not have involved a frozen bra or another girl's tongue in her vagina. And for Tahlia to think that anyone else in the house, let alone the world, has taken a worse picture than the one she took last week shows that she is grossly misguided about her appearance and perhaps the notion of aesthetics in general. She's lucky that acetate abortion is being referred to as a picture at all! Tahlia better fall down a chute or turn into a giant blueberry or she's never gonna fucking learn her lesson. Cue the Oompa Loompas.

She's never gonna learn her lesson, especially when she's praised for this:

 

Afterbirth at best!

I loved Nijah's immediate reaction to Tahlia's entitled yammering:

 

You don't need the Febreeze to remind you of this shot's stankness, but it sure doesn't hurt.

36. Tahlia

 

Without failures, there would be no such thing as relative success, so thank you, Tahlia, for keeping the competition aspect of this circus relevant. Thanks a whole bunch.

I would like to present the first Tyraism of the Week without commentary:

 

"I think it's a wah wah wah waaaaah whar."

Notice I said that I would like to present it without commentary, since that would actually be impossible. But I'll keep it brief: I admire Tyra for her attempts to change things up with her go-to wordless expression of disappointment: the deflated trombone. When it comes to communicating complete and utter nonsense, Tyra really, really works hard. We know this, yes, but it's nice to be reminded.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

[On Allison's ability to model:] "Is it a fluke that happens in pictures sometimes? Because what they saw today was quite depressing for them."

Depressing? Depressing is the imminent economic depression. Depressing is the death of print. Depressing is the fact that anyone still gives a fuck about what the Pope has to say. Depressing are casinos at Christmastime. Depressing is the fact that it's spring and not yet short-sleeves weather. Depressing is Eastbound and Down ending this week. Depressing is Pizzeria Uno when you're on Weight Watchers. Depressing is Pizzeria Uno, period. Depressing is not Allison's picture this week...

...but depressing is the fact that anyone would care enough about this show to get depressed about anything concerning it. Hey, wait...

1. I don't find Allison's appearance to be depressing in any way. In fact, I think it's uplifting. So uplifting that, thanks to her mistreatment of her weave (that was fast!), Allison is the honorary leader in the first Pretty Party of the cycle!

I mean, really, this girl is on some 75-lbs.-of-hair-that-cost-$5,000, Hottie-esque shit:

 

 

 

 

 

She looks like she's been using it when she runs out of toilet paper, and in a house of a dozen women, I think they're probably always out of toilet paper.

Oh and check this out -- they broadcast the same footage of Allison's piss-headed scowl twice by reversing the image:

 

 

It's like the editors were having their very own Pretty Party. I can't say I blame them! The dueling Allisons inspired me to make a gif featuring, uh, dueling Allisons:

 

That's a good conversation to have with yourself if you're trying not to think. Beyond the obvious, never unfunny (or, depending on your snobbery, perpetually depressing...like chicken fingers) anti-intellectualism that this show promotes, I loved that Allison kept mentioning not thinking: "I was just probably thinking too much, as usual" and "I began totally over-thinking it." She's doing a lot of thinking about not thinking. Watch out! Allison's out of control! She can't curb her brain function, the poor thing. In some circles, this would qualify Allison to be referred to as exceptional.

2. 

 

Something seems to have triggered Allison's hunger receptors. She smells blood! Does anyone have their period? Quick, blot it up with her weave!

 

And why does it look like Celia is rising from a 23-year slumber for a springtime massacre of hunky, bare-chested high school students?

 

And why is Tyra...like that?

The answer? Because everyone has a little monster in them this cycle.

(It was implanted during the makeovers.)

 

Well, almost everyone. Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's monster.

3.

 

I think after the nuclear holocaust, all that's going to be left is cockroaches, Cher and Mike Rosenthal to photograph them.

4. Ugh, this fucking episode I'm over it already. You know that things are bad when your first and only response to Miss J's best costume for the day is...

 

...he looks pretty. Seriously. Dignified even.

 

I know, I'm shocked, too! Or maybe just losing it.

Lemme just plow through this shit:

5.

 

"I'm a little apprehensive. I don't know how to hold babies. Do I hold it by the foot? I have no idea." Yes, Celia, you hold babies by the foot. And while you're doing that, feed them hot dogs. That will ensure a speedy death, allowing you to haul ass back to what's really important: fashion.

6. So, despite doing this...

 

...Natalie won the heart of Jill Stuart? And despite winning the heart of Jill Stuart, the judges remain thus far unimpressed by her? Lemme guess: Natalie's going to be the girl this cycle to get kicked off early and go on to a career rich enough to erase the fact that she was ever on this show in the first place. Hmmm, it isn't a chocolate factory, but it'll do. It's like a couture Gobstopper of a deal.

7.

 

All I could think of when I saw this was Reba Schappell (Reba's the one with red hair. Singing. In the chair. With spina bifida.).

Kortnie's pretty fucking bad.

 

She has model bifida.

 

But hey, at least Fo looks like Phoebe Cates. That counts for something. Namely, a new nickname: Fobe Cates.

8. Everyone pictured here is enjoying what's going on a lot:

 

Not that there's anything wrong with it! I think we've all been curious about putting things in our nose. When I was 2, I stuck candy from a plastic Yoda head up my nose. My mother rushed me to the hospital, but by the time I got there, it had melted. She did not then lick it off me because that would have been gay.

9. Speaking of!

 

Jay's seamless hat looks like something my aunt would have worn to Atlantic City maybe 10 years ago. It would go well with sweatshirts that incorporate sequins, and black fingers. I'm sure that morning, he was like, "It's butch! It's a cap!" Also, I love that he made the above expression after he told a furiously chomping Teyona, "I don’t wanna look at a mouth full of pretzel." It's like, dude, what do you do with your pretzels? Because it looks like you're engaging in the international penis-in-mouth gesture.

 

And then, come to find that Teyona doesn't swallow, she spits. I don't know, for some reason, this was very disappointing to me.

Also, in what was perhaps the most useless direction in a career built on giving useless directions, Jay told Allison...

 

"Allison, look up the street, look up 5th Ave. Up but down." Poor Allison was just a novice at the whole not-thinking thing. You'd have to do a hell of a lot of not thinking to get what the fuck he meant by that.

Also, I liked when he told Sandra and Celia to relate to each other:

 

Like, "Oh, you're hosting a rat's nest on your head, too? We are so bohemian!"

But how amazing was their ultimate shot?

 

If only there were a pack of hot dogs in there, it'd be perfection. But that could probably be said for any picture in the history of photography.

10. You know what's stupider than the eyebrows they doomed Nijah with in the shoot?

 

The note she left the girls upon leaving:

 

"Play fare," like they're all trolls aspiring to one day own bridges. Hm. Maybe Nijah's not so dumb after all.

11. It was great to see Bianca in the Models in Action segment...

 

...I just wish Nigel would have mentioned the most significant turn her career took post ANTM: getting into a bitch fight with Nikki Blonsky's family in an airport that may have involved racism and vagina kicking. Because the modeling shit's all well and good, but I think everyone needs to know how Bianca's faring when it comes to drama. She has quite a reputation to live up to, and she's she's so far really successful in the whole fun-bitch endeavor!

12. I hope this recap was as festive as Tyra's shirt!

 

Or, as festive as...Tyra in general.

But really, this is a weird cycle. Aside from a few glaring unfunny jokes (Did you hear the one abou the girl who was burned and then cried a lot? She was burned and then cried a lot.), most of the other girls seem particularly plausible as models. And despite a few favorites (Teyona!) and naturals (Natalie), there doesn't seem to be a clear-cut winner. And yet, it's been kinda dull so far. Get with the program, ANTM! Or I'mma get so mad that I'm going to spend 167 hours of my week doing this:

 

Hold me back! Hold me back!

P.S. This would probably make a good tone to assign to incoming texts. Just looking out for you!

Comments

[Alicia]

I love the Miss J jif at the end!

[jenny]

great as usual

[Jana]

I'm so happy you included the Ms. jay gif. Amazing.

[Ursula]

OMG .... both London AND Allison totally look like Mel from Flight of the Conchords. I just figured that out.

Your recaps are awesome btw.

[Joe M]

Every cycle has the bizarro episode where up is down and down is up and people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people and a promising model with a good pic is inexplicably trashed (Alison, totally sabatoged by Sheena Easton's 80's stylist) and some loser who had some ass pic is inexplicably praised (Tahlia, who is destined to be booted quite soon). I thought the same thing with Bianca! Why did they not mention her mother getting kicked in the 'gina?

[Sarah]

good recap!
I'm getting pretty disappointed by the amount of dullness in this cycle. It's all I can do to watch the show on wednesdays right now so that your recaps make sense LOL

[potty mouth princess]

Aw c'mon Rich, you know you would look fab in Miss J's ensemble, complete with pink scarf.

Ole!

[Amanda]

I'm proud of you for doing such a great recap despite such a boring episode. I'm so over Tahlia, I can't even explain.

[Eevee]

Words could never express my detest for Tahlia. Grrrr!!!!

[SJ]

Now that you mention it, this cycle is dull.
Hey, did you see in Nijah's letter she wrote keep it cute or put it on mute? Chris Crocker's gonna be pissed!
In other news, why was Eastbound and Down only 6 episodes?

[Chachi]

Is anyone else sick of the group shots? I am!

[inothernews]

I am currently ensconced in a viewing of the Jade season of ANTM on Oxygen. Nothing can equal that bliss. Imagine that!

[secondbecky]

Not a Natalie fan because she USED TO BE A SIGNED MODEL.

it's like American Idol taking formerly contracted singers into their top 12 - its just not fair. You tried once and FAILED already, so try again? BS. Give some girls who were never able to try to fail a shot too (like that Buffalo ghetto beyotch who slept at Port Authority!)

[Kit]

I'm so glad you caught that Celia thing, because I was starting to become a fan, and then she did that and my partner and I both went "AAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!" and then followed up by the baby thing - well I became convinced she's an alien lizard thing. Possbily a scientologist. Whatever.

Alison hungry gif? Full of awesome. She really does look like an ineffectual baby vampire.

And the Tyra monster gif? I was trying not to laugh TOO loudly because I'm at work, but, dang.

You did a great job for a boring week. Thanks for bringing the love...

[Kit]

Sarah, two cycles ago because of another committment, I almost never watched ANTM (I kept forgetting to watch the repeat on Sunday nights), and I still read, and thoroughly enjoyed Rich's recaps. In fact, it was pretty even in the "which is better" score. If you don't want to watch it, you may enjoy his recaps just as much!

[Jess]

"It's like kicking someone when they're down or burning a burn victim." LOL

And I love that you worked in the Schapelles. Even though this cycle is pretty boring, the recaps make it worth it. <3

[Liz]

LOVE IT! I cannot get enough of Allison she is my favorite :)

[Jenny]

Delightful. Thank you, thank you.

[Sarah]

it's all great, but mostly, thank you for mocking mr. jay's hat. ugh!

[Cheryl]

Great recap! I've been unable to watch a full episode of this season but your recaps give the highlights/lowlights so it's all good!

P.S. awesome pic of you and Rudy on ONTD

[Amber]

Thank you for the tyra mail mp3, have wanted one of those for my text tone forever but too lazy to make one, haha!

[ally]

are you ever going to point out how much celia looks like martha plimpton? just curious.
xoxox

[Chaely]

If you didn't already know about sadtrombone.com now is probably the perfect time for you to become acquainted with it. Just don't tell Tyra - she'll probably try to get them to change it to sadtyra.com

[TyTy Baby]

Best line from the East Bound & Down finale: "Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth." That show is 8 kinds of awesome.

[jennifer]

I don't think Rich NEEDS to point out how much Celia looks like Martha Plimpton, bcs at least 4 people do it every recap :P

BTW the "hunger receptors" thing had me ROLLIN'...XD