It was just clear that Isabella wasn't performing. And by "wasn't performing" I mean "wasn't having seizures." Whatever. She was cast for a reason, you know?
Picking right up from yesterday...
17. Tahlia
Ugh, this bitch. Look, no one's saying that burns make you less of a person or even disallow beauty. You can be pretty with burns. You can be pretty with burns on your face. You can be pretty with burns on your face on a boat. You can be pretty with burns on your face with a goat. But if you do not like people reminding you of said burns (and dressing you differently to accommodate your scars), don't sign up for America's Next Top Model, SamIAmBurned!
(Totally off topic, but as a result of wanting a Green Eggs and Ham rhyme that isn't the usual box/fox reference that I use, I looked up its Wikipedia entry -- did you know that the book was written after a publisher bet Dr. Seuss that he couldn't write an entire book using just 50 words? And he won the fucking bet! I haven't been this appreciative of Green Eggs and Ham's command of the English language since I was, like, 4.)
18. Tahlia
Ugh, and like, I hope she knows that those burns that are causing her distress are the sole reason that she's here. Clearly!
And, sorry to interrupt the Crying Count yet again (except, not really), but here's clarity times five:
OK? It's not like her Mrs. Megargee 8th grade pre-algebra teacher (but not mine, 'cause I was advanced!) hairdo got her cast in this shit. Tahlia, you asshole: stop getting mad at your fucking angle or go temp somewhere already.
And really, it's not about acceptance or showing people yes you can. It's about knowing your fucking place in the world and doing good by that. If your dick isn't big DON'T DO PORN. If you have a speech impediment, DON'T AUDITION FOR VOICE-OVER WORK. If your eyes are crossed, RETHINK THE SHORT-BUS DRIVING JOB YOU ALWAYS WANTED. If your elbows aren't ashy, STOP SUBSTITUTING THEM FOR SANDPAPER.
It's really that simple! Ragghhhhh!
Hey guys, thanks for letting me get stuff off my chest.
19. Sandra
Really, the space-wasting is at an all-time high, but lemme get through the Tyraisms before I unleash my rage on this one. There'd be nothing to look forward to if I didn't!
And so...
"And lemme tell you about this photo shoot. This issue is really important to me, the issue of teen girls and being what I call 'out of control.' I did a survey on my talk-show website, and I found that one in five girls that are teens that we surveyed actually want to be a teen mom. Purity and innocence is something that's being lost and as you Top Models are doing this photo shoot, you guys are role models, too. The assignment was for you all to embody different little games that little girls play on the playground. And what game were you playing?"
Oh wow, so much here. Does she really think that condoning the modeling industry, with its barely-as-in-not-at-all legal undercurrents is preserving purity and innocence? Bitch, you ain't Billy Graham in horse hair. Someone just used beat off to your moral compass. Also, does she really think that having women dress up as pre-schoolers is going to inspire anything but chiding and a chorus of, "That bitch crazy!" Finally, those survey results are truly disturbing, but I did my own survey and I found even more harrowing results: three out of five girls that are octogenarians that I surveyed actually want to be a teen mom. What's the world coming to, right? I know, I know.
"Let's start by taking that scarf off. You're covering your lusciousness."
Seriously, burn that shit. I'm so over those fucking scarves. I loathe them on men and they're only a hair (nay, a thread of fringe) less hateful on women. I said it before and I really meant it: Bea Arthur-ass!
"You need to tell your extras, and this is a message to all of you guys, you need to command your shot and make sure it's gonna be good..." What you didn't see was the bit of cut footage in which she finished her thought: "...so that we can accuse you of being a diva in a few weeks and have grounds to expel you from this competition."
(I forgot to take a screen shot for this one, so whatever, I'm using this unrelated animated gif. If nothing else it underscores the nonsense of what I'm about to type.)
"But I have to break it down to you honestly of what this industry is. There are a lot of designers that will book you and say, 'She's so beautiful but I have to cover the scars.' There are designers that will book you because you have the scars and they'll flaunt that. So to be in this industry, you have to understand that you're going to get both." But you know what Tahlia's going to get the most of? A whole bunch of nothing. It almost feels like Tyra's toying with her at this point. Not that it's arousing my sympathy or anything. If nothing else, all these assholes deserve each other!
"It's important to be creative with the creative." Remember, Tyra: creativity starts with you. "Creative" twice over the course of four words? Pshaw. Practice what you preach: next time, preach it creatively.
1. All right so, look.
Sandra is disgusting, just a terrible person who'll look house rules in the face and spit umeboshi in their eyes. She knows nothing of respeito and is a fucking hypocrite if she thinks that talking to people like she does in the following screen shots isn't 5,000 times ruder than having a conversation in a common bedroom that your ass wouldn't even be in were it not for a gift from Jesus by way of London:
I was pissed that the other girls acquiesced, or that they bowed down to Sandra's bullying when she wouldn't back down from calling dibs on a bed that clearly was primo real estate, thus obviously the most attractive for weird key-winner Celia. The backing down was thanks to London's Jesusy, peace-loving ways. Damn you, London and damn you, Jesus.
Oh and then, when Sandra broke it to Celia that she'd, in fact, be taking the bed and she embraced her...
...I could only think of the words of the mom of a child profiled on Showbiz Moms and Dads that was known on the Television Without Pity board as That's So Jordan: "You cute, but you not that cute."
And therein lies Sandra's one shot at redemption: a lack of self-awareness to a severe enough extent that it bypasses tragedy and makes a bee-line for comedy. Sandra has the makings of a buffoon of Jade-d proportions. I mean, she self-evaluates this walk as an 8/9?
If she were on other planet and had to contend with lessened gravity: maybe. But as far as I can tell, her brain is the only thing in space and it's rapidly approaching a black hole.
But you know, it takes a real weirdo to proclaim, "I'm unique and I'm beautiful and I'm from Africa!" (I do find her dark-skin pride to be genuinely endearing, actually.) And you know, let's not forget that she's got some kind of a language barrier (or maybe it's just a brain defect -- hard to say which) that makes her speech patterns slightly off. "I'm not here to make friends" becomes "I don't want to make any friendships!" in Sandraspeak.
And her hair is just bizarre...
Add a few more nooks and crannies and you've got the Sydney Opera House:
And before you call me out on perpetuating stereotypes of wild black hair or whatever the fuck you want to get sensitive about, look:
See? It's a proven fact.
2. Also, speaking of being here for things and also not being here for things, I've never seen a show that contained more qualifications of presence in my life. I assembled a sound file of all of them. I'd make it into a video, but it would have been really fucking boring. So just listen.
Of course, the best reason to be there was dictated by Tyra in the first half of the premiere (regarding Sandra, funnily enough or not at all, depending on how lame your sense of humor is):
"You got here because you chocolate and beautiful."
Shit, if that were me, I would have said, "I'm not here to make mousse!" Or "I don't want to make any mousses," in Sandraspeak.
3. I love Allison. This much we know. I love that she walked the wrong way after receiving her picture...
...forcing Tyra to get all stern...
...and butt-hurt. "Don't you watch Top Model?" she asked, obviously insulted.
That is nothing to be ashamed of, girl. Be proud that you made a fool out of that fool. That's what you call being creative with the creative.
I love that sometimes she looks like Cycle 5's Nicole...
...even though I didn't really like Nicole. I just like the novelty of having someone who looks like her sometimes.
So yeah: Allison can have my bug-eyed babies, that's how much I love her. But at certain angles, she looks like a weird burnout teenage boy who loves ferrets, Cannibal Corpse and working at Pep Boys in South Jersey.
Here, let me elucidate:
Also, how much to do you want to bet that she was eating this popsicle...
...because it totally reminded her of blood? As if I couldn't love her more, she goes all Sifl and Olly on us. Allison is super cres. She rocks me like the real thing.
4. Worst shot ever?
It's, like, Solarbabies bad.
5. There's probably a better reference (Liz Taylor?), but Miss J was giving me a total Bodyguard-era Whitney vibe before the fashion show...
Just call him "Rachel Moron."
And during the show?
Why the fuck was he so emo, down to the collapsed hair. Girlboys don't cry nor do they comb-over, Miss J. Don't you know that?
And finally?
I don't even want to know what his weekly gimmick is going to be this cycle, but I have a feeling it will involve a transformation from Jerry Lewis to Cleopatra. Weirdly, it all comes back to Liz Taylor. At least, I think it does.
6. I believe it was Celia who referred to Jay Manuel as "Robocop" here...
Looks more like Homocop to me. He's all, "Come quietly or there will be...ball gags" and "Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is an erection happening" and "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, suck the cock."
Oh, and not that I have any interest in defending Tahlia at all, but when when Jay asked her why she was there and she said, I don't know, that she believes that burnt children are the future or whatever and he retorted...
"It sounds like you're saying all the right things," like seriously? Stuff a cock in it. What did he want her to say? The wrong things? "I'm here for attention!" "I need validation!" "I'm going to set the modeling industry on fire...literally!" Seriously, she just couldn't win with that and it was an entirely unfair question. Way to out-asshole Tahlia, Jay. Quite an accomplishment.
7. Natalie is so lame.
"What's more exciting than being on top of the Empire State Building and seeing Nigel Barker and Paulia Porizkova?" Like, anything is more exciting than that. Washing socks by hand. Trimming ass hair. Blinking. Being on top of the Empire State Building and seeing Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Gaby Hoffman and fucking Jonah. Anything!
And this headband thing?
It's as though lameness is written on her body...
...literally.
8. Celia's praised shot this week was...
...uh...
...uhhhhh...
This Celia/James Carville comes by way of a reader named Bonita. I wasn't going to do a call for Jellybag submissions this cycle because it ended up just creating a shitload of work for me last cycle. This, however, reminded me of the brilliance that is born of readers. So yeah, send me shit if you must. I probably won't do Jellybag rundowns every episode and certainly not to the lengthy extent that I did for a tyical episode last cycle, but I'm not gonna let anything ingenious like this go unmentioned.
9. Ugh, I'm tired! Here's London spazzing again:
And here's Tyra in a perpetual hula:
And I have to go. They'll be your babysitters until next time.
I've missed your ANTM posts. great, as usual! And the Celia comparison is uncanny! Great work!
Posted by: Willem | March 10, 2009 at 03:57 PM
<3
Another great recap Rich, I've been refreshing obsessively for like an hour :)
Posted by: Alex | March 10, 2009 at 03:58 PM
The Sifl and Olly Show destroys--one of the only truly redeemable things MTV has done in forever, besides "Clone High." And you, sir, also destroy for linking to them twice in recent history. Bravo.
Posted by: JC | March 10, 2009 at 03:58 PM
AGHH, thank you! My friend thought I was being a prick for thinking Thalia was annoying. You're completely right, I said the exact same, she's is only on the show because of her burn scars. And it's going to be the reason she's eliminated as well.
Fo for the win though, seriously. Why doesn't she just use Felicia.. Only someone in New Mexico would get something like "Fo" from Felicia.
Posted by: steele | March 10, 2009 at 03:59 PM
Holy fuck, I was never a big fan of Alison, but the candid of her dolled up is beauitful
Posted by: Cody | March 10, 2009 at 04:01 PM
Oh Rich you freaking rock!!
Posted by: the dude | March 10, 2009 at 04:01 PM
fuck yes.
Many levels of awesome.
Posted by: Alys | March 10, 2009 at 04:03 PM
Those headbands have got to go.
Posted by: Emma | March 10, 2009 at 04:04 PM
Awesome Rich, particularly putting the mustache on Allison - genious. How I've missed these recaps...
Posted by: Corinne | March 10, 2009 at 04:07 PM
Wow. Very funny but I'm totally worn out now.
Posted by: Ashleylk | March 10, 2009 at 04:09 PM
I'm in hysterics over the Allison/Pep Boys thing... you just made my day. Allison FTW!
Posted by: Maude | March 10, 2009 at 04:37 PM
Maybe Thalia can hook up with the deaf contestant on The Amazing Race - they both have so much to prove!
Posted by: MB | March 10, 2009 at 04:39 PM
ok, sandra (whom i despise) with the sydney opera house on her head - brilliant. it had me laughing out loud for the better part of five minutes.
Posted by: e.c. | March 10, 2009 at 04:40 PM
the equation for Celia should be:
Cycle 4's Michelle + Ted Haggard / that Weird Little Boy in the neighborhood you grew up in (hey, we all had one!)
C4M + TH / WLB = Celia
Posted by: Victor | March 10, 2009 at 04:40 PM
So I was just about to give ANTM up and fully convert to Make Me a Supermodel as my prime narcissistic beauty show of choice. However I could not give up the Rich recaps. (ha punny without even trying) After reading the last two recaps it's well worth still viewing ANTM even if I can have to sit through Tyrisms such as: "You have a very small head and when objects get further away from the camera they get smaller" You, Rich, help confirm my contempt! Thank you, thank you very much!! =)
Posted by: SheShe | March 10, 2009 at 04:47 PM
When Paulina said Isabella looked like a little person in her photo I fucking howled. Because she so did. Was this foreshadowing for next cycle? That mark on Natalie's head kinda confirmed to me why those skinny headbands always bothered me, they look painful. Tahlia - give the girl credit for working the ONE angle she has. I mean, I'd encourage her to just downplay the burns and just try and be a hot model, but look at her.
Posted by: Joe | March 10, 2009 at 04:48 PM
I'm so amazed that you didn't notice how mentally handicapped Allison looked in her photo with her teeth all bucked out and all. When we saw her picture, my boyfriend and I simultaneously said "Durrr".
Posted by: Season | March 10, 2009 at 04:54 PM
What Tahlia said... I know because I was taking notes because that is what one does with obsession, besides wash ones' hands over and over again - she said, "I have the drive, I have the passion, I have the desire." So yeah, I was glad when Mr Jay called her on it because it was a bunch of cliched bullshit and it would have been sooooo much better if it were Angelea instead.
Posted by: Uncommon_Whore | March 10, 2009 at 05:06 PM
Great recap! Thalia will be eliminated but not "because" of her scars but "because" she is not skinny, but yet not full size. The comment seesd was planted by Mr. Jay in this episode. That way, Ty will not be accused of discriminating against a person of skin variance. Btw, I thought Mr Jay's comment "you said all the right thing" was very ironic and spot-on. To remain on that show you have to be crazy, be a freak, be an *sshole or have a "mission". So Thalia was only playing the game, and Mr Jay pointed that out to her. If she wants to be a role model for burned kids, how about she gets herself an education and does well in life? Just a thought...
Posted by: Crazy about the girl | March 10, 2009 at 05:06 PM
Celia looks like Michelle C4's mother. But I kind of like her. And it looks like London got Natalie into those weird headbands. I hope the two of them don't team up and start preaching about Jesus together now. Although that could be potentially hilarious.
I love your recaps. They are the highlight of my Mondays when I get home from school.
Posted by: RaeZ | March 10, 2009 at 05:14 PM
It's so, so telling that Jay said that he goes to Central Park "to get away from it all." Uh...really, now. Ever heard of the Rambles?
Allison's adorable, Celia is a goddess, Sandra is such a bitch, and Natalie exists?
Posted by: Jhg812 | March 10, 2009 at 05:14 PM
I like the skeezy I'm-so-bored-but-whoa-hey-Tyra's-ass! look Nigel gives in that last gif. Oh Nigel, please never stop being you!
Posted by: Ko | March 10, 2009 at 05:17 PM
Total agreement, yet again. I heard that Sandra is getting a Jade-esque makeover, so maybe she's really heading towards her own 'IMAGINING THIS' (Sandraspeak for Imagine That) segment on your recaps.
Posted by: Amanda | March 10, 2009 at 05:20 PM
The Mister Jay comments made me laugh a little too loud at work...and since no one else watches the show here it's wasted on others...I LOVE it tho!
Posted by: Cheryl | March 10, 2009 at 05:26 PM
yesss on the headband and yesssssssss on those fucking bea arthur scarves
love u richy !!!!!!
Posted by: princemoney | March 10, 2009 at 05:29 PM