Well, that's more like it!

So, despite continual reference to Kortnie's joker tendencies, she leaves before we can see her tell, like, a joke. Perhaps her joke was signing up to maybe one day be a frustrated model carrying the stigma of reality TV. In that case: hilarious. But that's neither here nor there because there are bigger, fishier fish to fry:

 

I don't know for sure if there were actual tears spilled this episode, but that won't stop my conjecture and number-fudging!

37. Allison

 

We can't see exactly what was going on with Allison's face, but I'm going to guess that she was crying underneath here for three reasons: 1) The shot about concluded a conversation between Celia and her, in which she called the day's posing challenge the "scariest" thing she could think of because she's shy. And if that's the case and she's irrational enough to go on reality TV anyway, she's irrational enough to cry about it. 2) Because her mega-eyes must constantly collect dust and other airborne irritants so that there's never a point when she isn't discharging. And 3) Because she made this face right before the towel covered it up:

 

38. Celia

 

I didn't see tears here either but between Kortnie's departure and Tyra's smackdown, I figure she was hurting.

Before we get to the smackdown, let's get the Tyraisms out of the way.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I see a story in your face. I see a story in your eyes." And it was such a great story that Tyra couldn't even share it with the rest of us. And we all lived happily ever after...at least until she next opened her mouth.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"One thing I do even, like with snapshots with friends, and I'm like, 'Oh, let's all get together. Let's get together. Come on, y'all. Let's get together.' I'm like, "Whatchu doin'? Are you fierce or you smilin'? OK, we fierce? OK, 1-2-3,...FIERCE...'

 

'1-2-3...1-2-3, funny face!"

 

If that's really the case, I hope that Tyra's photo albums are compatible with animated-gif technology. It'd be kind of hard to make sense of that out of context. Although maybe not if you know her or, you know, are her.

I would like to point out that Nigel's "funny face"...

 

...is not particularly funny. But it is extremely rod-up-assy. CariDee, poet and a prophet. Also, he looks like he's been illustrated by Quentin Blake. Can we send him down a chute in the chocolate factory, too?

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Even now as I speak, you are like this...

 

...but we look at your pictures, it's this..."

 

Never mind that the first and implicitly ideal "this" looks Botox-bender crazed. Since facially consuming eye sockets are all the rage this cycle, you and your spider eyes fail, Kortnie.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. Or at least those of us still watching this show and praying, hoping that something, anything might one day happen:

1. 

 

Oh shit! After leaving that plank that leads directly to Tyra's clutches, Celia got back on! First time in ANTM history! What followed was a bit like this...

...except not in Finnish and more cartoonish.

 

Er, at least in my head (and, let's face it: Tyra's) it was. And that alone makes it great. I love that Celia stepped up to tell the judges that they didn't know what they were talking about. Has anyone ever done that before? As someone who is, week after week, aligned with this point of view, I could not help but admire Celia for saying to Tyra's face what I can only say on the Internet (though would gladly say all up in Tyra's face, given the chance -- I've been waiting for three years for my Tyra show invitation!). I also appreciate what Celia did in the name of consistency. If you're gonna get all slack-jawed and muscle-tense about some whiny bitch...

 

...and talk shit about what you're gonna do if..., when if becomes when, it's no time to be iffy. Wait, what? The point is that she said she was going to do something and she did it and when you live in a world where bitches bitch and rarely do, this is something special indeed. Celia, you see, was called to duty.

But finally, I appreciate what Celia did because I like watching girls do dumb shit. That's why we're here, right? Seriously, I don't know how the hell she thought she'd be anything but spanked with her pants down after pulling this shit:

"Tyra, with all due respect to you, I think there's something you should know about what was said this week, um, by Tahlia. Before you send Kortnie home, I think that you should know that Tahlia did express that she did not want to be in this competition anymore. And she did not feel that this was a wise career move on her part. It's quite unfair for someone who doesn't even want to be here to remain in the competition."

 

Even her seemingly less intelligent peers who wouldn't know an extra-terrestrial if it offered them Reese's Pieces or a crappy modeling contract were like, "Seriously?"

Of course the best thing was that in rebuttal to this unwise move, Tyra managed to make even less sense:

"You know what I think is unfair? That you're saying this and not Tahlia. Tahalia did not say that to me. She did not say that to the judges. So what is truly unfair is you saying that to me. So the judges have made their decision. Take your place Celia."

Tyra, I know you think that repeating things over and over again is key to convincing people (witness the repeated praise for Tahlia's utterly underwhelming more-Reuben-sandwich-than-Rubenesque shot this this week...

 

...they said it was beautiful so many times, I felt like it was the kind of brainwashing the FBI does to you after you've seen a UFO: "You didn't see that. No, you didn't. Nuh-uh. Nilch." Like we don't have eyes to watch Tahlia suck. Like it 's not a fucking focal point.). But yeah, "unfair?" I guess when you're an entitled multimillionaire, the concept of fairness becomes hazy, but there's nothing unfair about what Celia said. Undermining, out-of-place and diabolical, perhaps. But not unfair.

And, of course, the whole time, Tahlia's looking like...

...total proof of Celia's claims that she is there unjustly.

And then, of course, there was the dismount to the Ty-rant (directed not to Celia, but to Kortnie):

 

She's a condescending tyrant because she cares. Pay no attention to the whip-wielder behind the curtain...

I'm shocked that she didn't make Celia kiss her rings after committing that mortal sin. She should have at least made her curtsy...

 

...or is that genuflect?

Expect Fo to stay around for quite a while. And unless Tyra knows the value in keeping around a wild-card like Celia, expect her days to be numbered. Sadly!

2. But you know, the biggest reason why I could really see where Celia was coming from is that I can't even imagine what it's like to be around Tahlia 24/7, since I can't stand her for the 40-some odd minutes that she's packaged and delivered into my life every week. I have no use for her as this wishy-washy whiner; at least when she was crying, I could, like, count it.

But since her confidence runs its own plot on this show (which is rather confident of it, actually), let's map out Tahlia's ups and downs in an attempt at understanding irritation:

I was going to go through and caption all of these, explaining the exact terms of her stated confidence or lack thereof, but you know what? Fuck her. I'm not going to let her give me work. It all boils down to she's hot and cold as a Katy Perry song and perhaps even more annoying. She's happy when she's praised and she's sad when she's not and also she's happy because Toccara's big and that's the same thing as being burned (I guess) and she's sad because, unlike Aminat, she isn't jazz. That's really all you gotta know.

3. Oh, and to show how ridiculous the praise of Tahlia is, I just want to show you all of the different poses she gave during her photo shoot:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you notice that she's giving the same three-quarter profile with the same model-pursed lips in all of these? And when she's not...

 

...she's a total eyesore?

Actually, Tyra's impression of Tahlia was one of the only times she hit the nail on the head this episode:

So, why didn't Tahlia get called out for having very little variation during her shoot? Oh, because she's being given a free pass, of course! I hope what's always been clear is a little clearer now. I went through her film! I know.

Oh, and what's up with Tilda Swinton rapidly growing young so that she could take part of this shoot? That is some Benjamin Buttons shit.

4. Congratulations, Benny.

With zingers like, "Smell hay if you have to!," "Talk to me through your eyes! Tell me that you're rockin' out through here," and the aforeposted "That's jazz!" you have perfected the art of giving colorful yet totally incomprehensible advice. (Seriously: rock out with your eyes?!?) Do you know what that means, Benny? You're one of them! You finally belong in this sick, sick universe.

Now, mosey your way on outta my heart already.

 

5. And speaking of that posing teach and people coming into their own, it's official:

 

...Sandra is a buffoon! If only she were familiar with the concept of intellectualism enough to be pseudo about it, we'd have another Jade on our hands. Sigh. I guess the girls this time around are so uninspiring that we should be happy with what we get.

 

So when upon looking at last week's picture rendered as "digital art," and Sandra boasts, "Wow, I look so hot," don't get mad that she gloats...

 

...think of her as being part goat.

 

It's more fun that way and it'll give you an appreciation for what she had to go through to be here.

When she says, "Just to have the best picture shows I'm better than all of the girls," giggle to yourself that she's setting herself up to fail (or at least to be sabotaged by editing) and know that it could be worse: she could be Tahlia.

 

7. And so, Toccara the Fabulous (or Tocarra the Pest, depending on how Cleary you are), did have a point when she talked about this cycle's crop of girls bitchily in the confessional...

 

"When I was on Top Model, we really did have so many different personalities and here I can't really, like, pinpoint people who really, like, stand out. I think the girls just need to let go and let loose and stand up and be who they are." First of all, OK, Juliana Hatfield. I'm shocked she didn't break out the acoustic and into, "I hate my Cycle 12 counterpart / She's such a bitch..." And second of all, they should especially be who they are if it involves hoarding food under the bed (including whole rotisserie chickens) and babbling about your confusing and elusive family life because your mommy didn't raise you and your daddy didn't raise you and you can't go back to that but you want to show them or whatever, right Toccara?

(I'm just saying that unless you want to label her jovial because of her size, her character was no easier to get a grasp of. People are complex! That's why reality TV is so deceptively high-brow. That's what I tell myself, anyway.)

8. Oh, and you want to talk about past contestants?

 

I totally forgot about April's Miami Vibe gig. Ah, sex toys. Such fun! And also, I love love LOVE that her guest-spot on ANTM...

 

...is one of the post-show bragging points Nigel mentioned in her career-rundown. He should have followed that up with, "And she was also featured on America's Next Top Model's Models in Action segment as recently as right this second!" Ah, accomplishments.

9. I was totally going to say that Allison looks like haggis here...

 

...but then I looked at pictures of haggis and I realized that it looks nothing like what I thought it would. So I'll revise and say that Allison looks like a diseased Portuguese Man o' War. And it's only getting sicker!

Oh, and how awesome was it that to get Allison drag-queen ready, they put fake hair on her that looks exactly like the fake hair she's already rocking?

 

Wig-stack much?

Also, I loved that Tyra's hair at judging looked extremely similar to the wigs the girls wore in the posing challenge...

 

So basically in echoing, she was playing a girl who was playing a man playing a woman. That is, like, the millionth sex. Does she get a timed shopping spree now or something?

10. Here are three more pictures of Allison you may be interested in laughing at:

 

 

 

Sometimes it seems that all that hair up in her face is her biggest problem. And then when it isn't up in her face, it seems like she has even bigger problems. Huh.

11. I seriously cannot figure out which quote puts this entire show into a nutshell better. Is it:

 

"I'm loud and it's OK to be loud"?

Or, is it...

 

"I took a risk in, you know, walking down the stairs"?

Really, I cannot say. Both are just nuggets suspended in amber. If it is possible to be eloquently inane, that is what Aminat and Natalie are. And it's OK to be that.

12. Way to make a big deal about your guest stars, ANTM...

 

And, look, here she is again:

 

...circa that one Video Music Awards ceremony where she smoked at the podium.

And here's that one guy from American Pie...

 

And here's Snoopy:

 

And here's Kevin Aviance for real:

 

And this?

 

A cautionary tale within the reality of a show that's already a cautionary tale. Funny, I usually find little hats to be so flattering.

Comments

[emily]

HAHAHA at the tilda swinton child.

also, i loved it when sandra said, "this is not a comedy show."

[nicole]

Best. Post. Ever.

[elle b.]

Tahlia has the MOST model potential. Stop being haters. Celia is a big whore and Tahlia DESERVES to be there. She has the MOST model potential. And all of you are STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID (per aminat). STUPID.

If you didn't see that correctly, let me repeat myself: STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Tahlia IS absolutely deserving of all the praise she gets. She IS a model and WILL have the best career out of all of these girls because I say so.

Just like I believed the Saleisha was the GREATEST ANTM winner EVER. the BEST, no matter how many of you thought her photos were completely overrated and obviously hyped up by Tyra.

TAHLIA IS A REAL MODEL. Celia sux.
SALEISHA RULES!

I want to eat Tahlia's and Saleisha's cunts. Yum!

[Julie]

THUNDERCATS, HO!!!! Love that. Had to call my sister on that one. Love, Love, LOVE you, Rich!!

[me]

Um, sorry but anyone that thinks Tahlia has model potention is clearly delusional.

I think real models are way too thin, but Tahlia body is shaped like mine and I wouldn't dare try to model looking like that. I can't believe there's been no mention of any of the girls wacky proportions this Cycle. London is pear-shaped (but beautiful) and Tahlia isn't as small as everyone else nor is she a plus sized gal.

[Satin]

Rich: Great recap, as usual.

[duane]

Ok, the Tilda Swinton comment made my week. Also, I really hope that somehow, Celia stays on, because she has more balls than an untucked tranny, and we NEED that on this show! A girl with an actual spine!

[cj]

hmm. i am suprised that no one has pointed out how celia's decision to speak up at the elimination was not only ill-timed, but completely ill-advised. i don't know about you guys, but if i were on "top model," i would WANT my weak competition to stay! an aspiring model with significant, appearance-altering scars; weak self-esteem; and a general ambivalence about competing? bring it on!

i feel for thalia and she seems sweet, but she's going to get eliminated and we all know it. the girls on the show must have known it. why risk the judges' wrath to hasten something that's going to happen anyway?

[Sunny]

Has anyone else noticed that Tahlia is the only one who does not have a close up in the opening credits? Just saying.

[elle b.]

Tahlia is PERFECT, in every way, JUST LIKE SALIESHA, whose cunt is delicious.

I want Tahlia to win because TAHLIA has the most top model potential ever.

Tahlia could be working on the runway today and doing Sports Illustrated shoots. She's better than TYRA ever was.

[Kazz]

Aw, I love Allison. D;
But that's okay, be mean, I suppose it's your job. :'D
And sadly, I feel Allison's time is coming to an end. I know she's going to get eliminated and it just makes me sad. D;
Love her art though. :'D; Aha, random~ also, I still love the fact that she was a meme on 4chan. xD; Creepy Chan~

[Madelyn]

Is it me, or did Tahlia's entire shoot look like Bette Midler in Hocus Pocus???

[Laur]

miss mary you sound like a classicist or possibly racist twat. The name Toccara is rooted not only in Italian where it would be pronounced with a hard C sound, but also in japanese where it would be pronounced TAK-kar-rah, why must it be ghetto?People have different rhotic pronunctiations. In fact there are lots of Toccara's running around and they are named after a perfume that came out in the 80's made by Avon..same time that Miss Toccara was born. I'm not stanning for her, but ignorance like that is just seriously disgusting.

[Laur]

correction classist. damn you firefox.

[FR]

Tahlia should not even made the initial cut of 750 or how many they choose. It's as though Tyra said, "Get me a cute burn victim." She's too chunky to be model-y but oh wait, this is "ANTM" and Whitney won a few cycles back. Funny how she couldn't even get to be Lane Bryant's covergirl and had to settle for Hot Topic jean-lady.

[Dear Diary]

The Tilda Swinton comment is hilarious.

Benny looks more and more like a crackhead to me every time he comes onto the screen.

[Avatar]

Rich, can you translate what Benny said before the posing challenge? "...which, in my language, means 'Get your hair did, and get your scrtowxn scrtowxn-ed'"?

[Joey]

That last photo must honestly be trying to channel 'sad clown'. I can think of no other explanation. Therefor, I applaud you, madam.

[hope]

Hey Rich, did you watch the new Oxygen show Pretty Wicked that Caridee is hosting? I'd love to see your opinion of it.

I disagreed with Celia's timing. I understand the meaning behind it, but she should have said it BEFORE the deliberations if she was going to say it at panel. Her saying it after Tahlia got first call-out made it come off in completely the wrong way.

[Adam]

Beneath Tyraism 3, doesn't Botox Fun Tyra (or Botyra) resemble Nik C5 to a terrifying degree?

Yes. She does.

[Clarity Sage]

If you scroll down so you only see the bottom half of the "1-2-3...1-2-3, funny face!" animated gif, it totally looks like Nigel is giving it to Tyra.

[betch]

can someone tell me what benny ninja's occupation is? other than 'vogue legend'? what's his dayjob? my friend and i tried to learn this info through the internet, but we honestly can't find anything.

[Polly Peanut]

I thought London looks much more like Renee Zellweger, old citronface :D

[kityglitr]

The real sadness is that in front of a room full of gay men, absolutely NONE of these girls even tried half-heartedly to pose seriously. I'm 32 and fat and can still bring it harder than they did. *Le sigh*

[heidi]

celia looked totally snaged when she tatle-taled on tahlia.celia's ug mug was chomped, her face buckled-that pic of her close-up cought her embarrassment perfectly.