Well, that's more like it!

So, despite continual reference to Kortnie's joker tendencies, she leaves before we can see her tell, like, a joke. Perhaps her joke was signing up to maybe one day be a frustrated model carrying the stigma of reality TV. In that case: hilarious. But that's neither here nor there because there are bigger, fishier fish to fry:

 

I don't know for sure if there were actual tears spilled this episode, but that won't stop my conjecture and number-fudging!

37. Allison

 

We can't see exactly what was going on with Allison's face, but I'm going to guess that she was crying underneath here for three reasons: 1) The shot about concluded a conversation between Celia and her, in which she called the day's posing challenge the "scariest" thing she could think of because she's shy. And if that's the case and she's irrational enough to go on reality TV anyway, she's irrational enough to cry about it. 2) Because her mega-eyes must constantly collect dust and other airborne irritants so that there's never a point when she isn't discharging. And 3) Because she made this face right before the towel covered it up:

 

38. Celia

 

I didn't see tears here either but between Kortnie's departure and Tyra's smackdown, I figure she was hurting.

Before we get to the smackdown, let's get the Tyraisms out of the way.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"I see a story in your face. I see a story in your eyes." And it was such a great story that Tyra couldn't even share it with the rest of us. And we all lived happily ever after...at least until she next opened her mouth.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"One thing I do even, like with snapshots with friends, and I'm like, 'Oh, let's all get together. Let's get together. Come on, y'all. Let's get together.' I'm like, "Whatchu doin'? Are you fierce or you smilin'? OK, we fierce? OK, 1-2-3,...FIERCE...'

 

'1-2-3...1-2-3, funny face!"

 

If that's really the case, I hope that Tyra's photo albums are compatible with animated-gif technology. It'd be kind of hard to make sense of that out of context. Although maybe not if you know her or, you know, are her.

I would like to point out that Nigel's "funny face"...

 

...is not particularly funny. But it is extremely rod-up-assy. CariDee, poet and a prophet. Also, he looks like he's been illustrated by Quentin Blake. Can we send him down a chute in the chocolate factory, too?

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Even now as I speak, you are like this...

 

...but we look at your pictures, it's this..."

 

Never mind that the first and implicitly ideal "this" looks Botox-bender crazed. Since facially consuming eye sockets are all the rage this cycle, you and your spider eyes fail, Kortnie.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. Or at least those of us still watching this show and praying, hoping that something, anything might one day happen:

1. 

 

Oh shit! After leaving that plank that leads directly to Tyra's clutches, Celia got back on! First time in ANTM history! What followed was a bit like this...

...except not in Finnish and more cartoonish.

 

Er, at least in my head (and, let's face it: Tyra's) it was. And that alone makes it great. I love that Celia stepped up to tell the judges that they didn't know what they were talking about. Has anyone ever done that before? As someone who is, week after week, aligned with this point of view, I could not help but admire Celia for saying to Tyra's face what I can only say on the Internet (though would gladly say all up in Tyra's face, given the chance -- I've been waiting for three years for my Tyra show invitation!). I also appreciate what Celia did in the name of consistency. If you're gonna get all slack-jawed and muscle-tense about some whiny bitch...

 

...and talk shit about what you're gonna do if..., when if becomes when, it's no time to be iffy. Wait, what? The point is that she said she was going to do something and she did it and when you live in a world where bitches bitch and rarely do, this is something special indeed. Celia, you see, was called to duty.

But finally, I appreciate what Celia did because I like watching girls do dumb shit. That's why we're here, right? Seriously, I don't know how the hell she thought she'd be anything but spanked with her pants down after pulling this shit:

"Tyra, with all due respect to you, I think there's something you should know about what was said this week, um, by Tahlia. Before you send Kortnie home, I think that you should know that Tahlia did express that she did not want to be in this competition anymore. And she did not feel that this was a wise career move on her part. It's quite unfair for someone who doesn't even want to be here to remain in the competition."

 

Even her seemingly less intelligent peers who wouldn't know an extra-terrestrial if it offered them Reese's Pieces or a crappy modeling contract were like, "Seriously?"

Of course the best thing was that in rebuttal to this unwise move, Tyra managed to make even less sense:

"You know what I think is unfair? That you're saying this and not Tahlia. Tahalia did not say that to me. She did not say that to the judges. So what is truly unfair is you saying that to me. So the judges have made their decision. Take your place Celia."

Tyra, I know you think that repeating things over and over again is key to convincing people (witness the repeated praise for Tahlia's utterly underwhelming more-Reuben-sandwich-than-Rubenesque shot this this week...

 

...they said it was beautiful so many times, I felt like it was the kind of brainwashing the FBI does to you after you've seen a UFO: "You didn't see that. No, you didn't. Nuh-uh. Nilch." Like we don't have eyes to watch Tahlia suck. Like it 's not a fucking focal point.). But yeah, "unfair?" I guess when you're an entitled multimillionaire, the concept of fairness becomes hazy, but there's nothing unfair about what Celia said. Undermining, out-of-place and diabolical, perhaps. But not unfair.

And, of course, the whole time, Tahlia's looking like...

...total proof of Celia's claims that she is there unjustly.

And then, of course, there was the dismount to the Ty-rant (directed not to Celia, but to Kortnie):

 

She's a condescending tyrant because she cares. Pay no attention to the whip-wielder behind the curtain...

I'm shocked that she didn't make Celia kiss her rings after committing that mortal sin. She should have at least made her curtsy...

 

...or is that genuflect?

Expect Fo to stay around for quite a while. And unless Tyra knows the value in keeping around a wild-card like Celia, expect her days to be numbered. Sadly!

2. But you know, the biggest reason why I could really see where Celia was coming from is that I can't even imagine what it's like to be around Tahlia 24/7, since I can't stand her for the 40-some odd minutes that she's packaged and delivered into my life every week. I have no use for her as this wishy-washy whiner; at least when she was crying, I could, like, count it.

But since her confidence runs its own plot on this show (which is rather confident of it, actually), let's map out Tahlia's ups and downs in an attempt at understanding irritation:

I was going to go through and caption all of these, explaining the exact terms of her stated confidence or lack thereof, but you know what? Fuck her. I'm not going to let her give me work. It all boils down to she's hot and cold as a Katy Perry song and perhaps even more annoying. She's happy when she's praised and she's sad when she's not and also she's happy because Toccara's big and that's the same thing as being burned (I guess) and she's sad because, unlike Aminat, she isn't jazz. That's really all you gotta know.

3. Oh, and to show how ridiculous the praise of Tahlia is, I just want to show you all of the different poses she gave during her photo shoot:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you notice that she's giving the same three-quarter profile with the same model-pursed lips in all of these? And when she's not...

 

...she's a total eyesore?

Actually, Tyra's impression of Tahlia was one of the only times she hit the nail on the head this episode:

So, why didn't Tahlia get called out for having very little variation during her shoot? Oh, because she's being given a free pass, of course! I hope what's always been clear is a little clearer now. I went through her film! I know.

Oh, and what's up with Tilda Swinton rapidly growing young so that she could take part of this shoot? That is some Benjamin Buttons shit.

4. Congratulations, Benny.

With zingers like, "Smell hay if you have to!," "Talk to me through your eyes! Tell me that you're rockin' out through here," and the aforeposted "That's jazz!" you have perfected the art of giving colorful yet totally incomprehensible advice. (Seriously: rock out with your eyes?!?) Do you know what that means, Benny? You're one of them! You finally belong in this sick, sick universe.

Now, mosey your way on outta my heart already.

 

5. And speaking of that posing teach and people coming into their own, it's official:

 

...Sandra is a buffoon! If only she were familiar with the concept of intellectualism enough to be pseudo about it, we'd have another Jade on our hands. Sigh. I guess the girls this time around are so uninspiring that we should be happy with what we get.

 

So when upon looking at last week's picture rendered as "digital art," and Sandra boasts, "Wow, I look so hot," don't get mad that she gloats...

 

...think of her as being part goat.

 

It's more fun that way and it'll give you an appreciation for what she had to go through to be here.

When she says, "Just to have the best picture shows I'm better than all of the girls," giggle to yourself that she's setting herself up to fail (or at least to be sabotaged by editing) and know that it could be worse: she could be Tahlia.

 

7. And so, Toccara the Fabulous (or Tocarra the Pest, depending on how Cleary you are), did have a point when she talked about this cycle's crop of girls bitchily in the confessional...

 

"When I was on Top Model, we really did have so many different personalities and here I can't really, like, pinpoint people who really, like, stand out. I think the girls just need to let go and let loose and stand up and be who they are." First of all, OK, Juliana Hatfield. I'm shocked she didn't break out the acoustic and into, "I hate my Cycle 12 counterpart / She's such a bitch..." And second of all, they should especially be who they are if it involves hoarding food under the bed (including whole rotisserie chickens) and babbling about your confusing and elusive family life because your mommy didn't raise you and your daddy didn't raise you and you can't go back to that but you want to show them or whatever, right Toccara?

(I'm just saying that unless you want to label her jovial because of her size, her character was no easier to get a grasp of. People are complex! That's why reality TV is so deceptively high-brow. That's what I tell myself, anyway.)

8. Oh, and you want to talk about past contestants?

 

I totally forgot about April's Miami Vibe gig. Ah, sex toys. Such fun! And also, I love love LOVE that her guest-spot on ANTM...

 

...is one of the post-show bragging points Nigel mentioned in her career-rundown. He should have followed that up with, "And she was also featured on America's Next Top Model's Models in Action segment as recently as right this second!" Ah, accomplishments.

9. I was totally going to say that Allison looks like haggis here...

 

...but then I looked at pictures of haggis and I realized that it looks nothing like what I thought it would. So I'll revise and say that Allison looks like a diseased Portuguese Man o' War. And it's only getting sicker!

Oh, and how awesome was it that to get Allison drag-queen ready, they put fake hair on her that looks exactly like the fake hair she's already rocking?

 

Wig-stack much?

Also, I loved that Tyra's hair at judging looked extremely similar to the wigs the girls wore in the posing challenge...

 

So basically in echoing, she was playing a girl who was playing a man playing a woman. That is, like, the millionth sex. Does she get a timed shopping spree now or something?

10. Here are three more pictures of Allison you may be interested in laughing at:

 

 

 

Sometimes it seems that all that hair up in her face is her biggest problem. And then when it isn't up in her face, it seems like she has even bigger problems. Huh.

11. I seriously cannot figure out which quote puts this entire show into a nutshell better. Is it:

 

"I'm loud and it's OK to be loud"?

Or, is it...

 

"I took a risk in, you know, walking down the stairs"?

Really, I cannot say. Both are just nuggets suspended in amber. If it is possible to be eloquently inane, that is what Aminat and Natalie are. And it's OK to be that.

12. Way to make a big deal about your guest stars, ANTM...

 

And, look, here she is again:

 

...circa that one Video Music Awards ceremony where she smoked at the podium.

And here's that one guy from American Pie...

 

And here's Snoopy:

 

And here's Kevin Aviance for real:

 

And this?

 

A cautionary tale within the reality of a show that's already a cautionary tale. Funny, I usually find little hats to be so flattering.

Comments

[bryan]

i was waiting for that psycho-eyed celia gif.

life = complete

[calicobebop]

Yes, I also noted that ANTM guest spot was listed in the Top Models in Action bit. How self-promoting!

Also, Celia is starting to remind me of Melrose. Know it alls who like the smell of victory!

[danielle]

all I could think while watching the judging was how much fun fourfour would have with those ridiculous zoom-ins of the contestants faces (see Celia and Allison). Sigh, thank you for living up to my expectations, and then some.

[Meg]

Celia should never, ever be a print model. She is absolutely fug when she's isn't in motion. Sorry, Tyra -- you can't have 12 butter faces in the show and think you're super edgy for casting them. Not how it works.
I do thank Tyra for putting her in the show, however, for injecting some life into this mediocre cycle!!! I might just shoot myself in the foot, a la Celia, to complain about Tahlia!!!

[miss mary]

That last picture was all you needed to post.

[JC]

Tocarra the Pest! I'm totally Cleary.

(Although I had the misfortune of reading and enjoying those books while being male and growing up in rural Pennsylvania. Great books, bad place to be a fan. But getting beat up has is own rewards...right?)

[miss mary]

If it wasn't for this show, I would be blissfully unaware that somehow there are people in this world who have made careers out of telling people how to pose and swirl.

[Mooshki]

How could you not mention Orange Jay's magical quote: "I have a feeling Benny’s going to give it to me in the back." Or was that just too obvious a joke?

[Amanda]

YAY!!!!!!! I laughed so hard at the Tilda Swinton thing. And I'm so glad that Benny has wormed his way out of hearts other than my own. He has failed me =(

[famousamy]

I've been waiting since the very end of the episode to see what you had to say about Celia and Tahalia. You didn't disappoint. Thanks!

[miss mary]

I just have to say one more thing:

Toccara...

If you are going to spell your name as some sort of pseudo Italian type 'thing', at least pronounce it properly. Two consonants together mean that you emphasize that syllable. It would be TOCC-ara. Her stupid mother should have spelled it Tocarra, if they wanted it pronounced as toc-ARRA. Does that make sense? No? Whatever, it bugs me...especially since her name almost translates to 'touch', which makes even less sense. Gotta love europe by way of ghetto.

[Mer]

Spot on with the Quentin Blake reference!

[AD]

While watching this episode, I actually caught myself noting which moments would be good animated gif candidates.
And yeah, the Tahlia shizzle is totally rigged. I knew it was bull as soon as they showed her picture and all of the judges went into fake "woooow!" "ooooh!" exclamations. I know that the editors make it so we're not supposed to like her, but I honestly don't think she's a model. If they ditch Celia then fuck this shit. She's the only mildly clever one on there.

[AD]

Also, Tahlia's photoshoot wardrobe resembles a pirate wench. Kind of inappropriate around dear little Tilda.

[Sarah G]

I love that you reference Juliana Hatfield on a regular basis.

Today's was great!

[maggie]

God, this show is running purely on awkward.

[MB]

Is Benny in on the joke? I'm wondering if he goes to a viewing party at a club and collects money from people who dared him to say/do random things that were put into a fishbowl.

Thanks for making my Mondays (and Wednesdays since now while watching each episode I think of Allison wiping herself with her wig) Rich!

[Guy DeLuk]

Even though I started to resent watching the show, recaps and comments of the readers still make me feel like watching it. Thanks, y'all. Celia is probably one of the best thing that has happened to the show- at least it makes freaking ANTM history.

[Guy DeLuk]

That is, within last few cycles I mean...

[Melissa]

Tilda Swinton! Genius. Or perhaps Danny Bonaduce pulled some Benjamin Buttons shit and became a Partridge again.

This recap was the funniest so far, and I think it's because you were finally given something to work with. Toccara is right, these girls don't really stand out. Plus, the shitty photo shoots aren't helping any.

Tyra's favoritism of Tahlia hit a new low with that first call out. Are you kidding me with that shit? Teyona should have gotten first. I mean, even Tyra said she told a story with her eyes. All Tahlia did was raise her hand because she was Sure.

Celia...sigh. Why did you do that my little Plimpton? I mean, I respect it and all, but you don't ever question the Great Tyra. Now go take your place bitch. Way to blow the competition.

[mikeyP]

anybody notice when kortnies eyes randomly got really big when they were at judging? lol

[jordanbaker]

I was really counting on you to provide a Benny-to-English translation of what getting your "kurchur snetched" means. I know that getting your "hurrrrr did" means getting your hair done, but I was completely lost about the second half of that sentence.

[SM]

Teyona is going to win. She seems really sweet, she had a ton of personality in casting--her tomboy childhood in rural New Jersey, her realization as she got older that she was hot (which if anything came off as sort of dykey rather than narcissistic because she was so endearingly tomboyish), the recurring question as to whether or not she is from Earth--and has pretty much disappeared despite performing very well every week.They're gonna start her arc once the Celia/Tahlia flareup burns itself out and she'll be the obvious lock like McKey was.
Also as Allison's hair gets more and more fucked up she looks more and more like Jenah

[Vanessa]

I'm trying not to get angry about Tahlia's continued presence in my ANTM viewing life (Best pic? Seriously? Yet London's sucked?) What I'd like to focus on instead is that we all watched Celia commit Top Model seppuku and all we could think is "What will RICH say?"

(altho I sincerely hope that Celia hasn't just screwed the pooch because of that.)

I have to say I admire her altho who didn't see Tyra's reaction coming? Still, Tyra was at least 50% likely to turn to Tahlia and ask her about it, no?

I was going to ask if Tahlia is this cycle's Isis (e.g. the girl who can't possibly make it but is kept around for so long to prove some random point of Tyra's) but Isis could model when she wasn't being repeatedly forced into a swimsuit. She also wasn't fucking annoying. And had a Model's physique at least. I guess these grapes are sour after all.

[Dru]

Rich, STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH CELIA AND EXCUSING HER ACTIONS. Is it just because she is "a friend of a friend" so you can't talk shit about her?

She is pretentious and conceited and fug. She is not good, she is not smart, she is not clever, and I DO NOT LIKE HER.

She was totally OBNOXIOUS to have said that about Tahlia. I do not respect her in the slightest for doing that. It was petty and rude. Go back to KY.