At last! At last! Sweet Jesus, at last!

Here's what I look like inside:

 

Just to be clear, I look like Paulina inside. Tahlia isn't invited. To anything. Ever.

Since there were no tears spilled as far as I counted, I'll use this introductory space to rage against what was so offensive to me about Tahlia. I'm probably repeating myself a little, although I figure if I don't remember, there's no reason you should. On top of that, I've had to watch this...person for the past seven weeks; I'm entitled to repetition.

Obviously, Tyra is mostly at fault for having the worst and most unattractive (burns or no burns) woman on this show in the first place as an example of...god, I don't fucking know. Charity, I guess, is the best word for it, since Tyra is convinced that she was doing Tahlia and the rest of the world a favor by hosting a burnt token. Tahlia is so inappropriate in every way: from her scars to her shapeless figure to her razor teeth...

...to her inability to make herself look remotely appropriate for her given environment...

(Keep in mind, though, this sub-Senior Tea get-up was praised!)

Bitch can't jump right.

 

Everything she did was so fucking awkward...and not model-awkward. Incompetent awkward.

She is the worst. THE WORST. I'd corroborate Nigel's deeming of her as a "drip," but I wouldn't want to insult gonorrhea. I'd compare her a bump on a log, but I fear it would make defenseless bumps on logs feel awful inside. After all, they're not the ones signing up for beauty competitions. And while it's horrible that Tyra strung her along, instilling false confidence in her for a plot point that wasn't rewarding to viewers in any way, Tahlia's enough of a narcissist to have bought the bullshit. On leaving, she said, "I was shocked to even come this far, but being here I feel now that I have inspired at least one person or hopefully more than that. And no matter what, no matter if I'm not America's Next Top Model, I am a role model in someone's eyes. It's a big deal to be in this competition as a burn survivor and the fact that I made it this far is just amazing and it's opened someone's eyes."

First of all, for every eye opened, 20 are being shielded. But really, who the fuck is she inspiring? Other people who are scarred? Go ahead, burn victims. Go set out to be models. You, too, might progress slightly before falling short and realizing you just wasted your time! I mean, Tahlia barely made it halfway on this joke of a show. Who the fuck is she fooling? And what exactly is she inspiring people to do, if not actually set out to model? Care more about superficial shit they can't change? Really? Because I thought the consolation prize to such a horrible circumstance, a rare ray of light peering into a pile of shit settled on your life, is that you're given a tangible reason to transcend the looks bullshit and find your worth in your character or how you treat others or what you contribute to society. The sad thing is that Tahlia is convinced that appearing on a reality show about modeling helped her achieve just that.

Look, this experience made a girl who's undoubtedly struggled with self-esteem her whole life feel good. I mean, we've all struggled, but Tahlia probably knows brutality beyond our dreams. Shit, I wouldn't want to be burned. I get it. I get that maybe Tahlia loves herself a little bit more now, and that's a good thing (although, I sincerely hope she isn't reading about herself online, because, uh, maybe not). Maybe she can take that self-love and build on it and be loved and make the actual world a better place, not just the fake modeling world. But selling the worth of her participation on the show as anything but an ego boost to her and/or Tyra is just aggressively wrongheaded. I hope that as she continues improving, she one day grows into a sensible enough of a person to realize that.

Wow, I actually feel exorcised. I care about this shit, even at it shittiest, too much. I actually had a dream last night that Allison ended up being sent home and then she had a very theatrical meltdown that involved walking past Tyra on the platform, sitting in her chair, waving her hands above her head and singing "Tarzan Boy." I guess I was so sure that she was going home at this point...

 

...that my subconscious just couldn't shake it. If nothing else, at least Tahlia's inexplicable presence and the heaps of praise she received as late as moments before her elimination made for genuine suspense. So thanks for that, all!

And since I love Tyra and all her decisions so much, I'm so excited to examine the ways her decisions manifest themselves verbally!

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"The camera loves you. The still-photography camera loves you. But they're not sure if you love the camera."

OK, look past the fact that she was saying this to Tahlia and you have one of the best things she's ever said. It's like the Not Without My Daughter of "The camera loves you" proclamations. There are twists and turns and hardship and yet the love at its core remains unmoving. I think it's gotten to the point of being book material.

 

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"I saw hardness. I saw, 'Yo, you wanna buy this foundation? You wanna buy this makeup? Yo, then you know, you need to just get it. Know what I'm sayin'? It, like, takes your grease off and stuff. I like it kinda thin and sheer...' That's what I felt. I felt hard."

Not gonna lie: in it for the gif.

 

But also, what the hell? London's commercial was nothing like that. She may have seemed a little snide, but London couldn't be street if you paved over her.

1. Great that it was Beat Up London Week, too! When Paulina told her, "You know what? Don't wear these shorts. That's not becoming," it seemed less constructive and more straight-up nasty. It was like the second coming of Janice, and thus, refreshing in its way. Plus, it gave birth to maybe my favorite gif of the cycle:

 

And London's been looking a little jiggly for weeks now, if not the whole time she's been on the show. Way to set up her imminent departure, people. I'm guessing she's out of here next week.

 

Remember when Becky on Roseanne all of a sudden became short-haired and dumpy?

 

London does. Perhaps Sarah Chalke can replace her at some point? She'd probably make a more convincing model.

2. I love that Clay fucking Aiken could swish onto this show and immediately go neck-and-neck with Nigel towards becoming the butchest person on it.

His very presence (you might even call him the straight man) helped reiterate the point that show is gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda.

3. This really could be my favorite thing anyone has ever said on this show in response to ongoing critique:

 

"It gets a little frustrating, because I'm not quite sure how to warp my face." I seriously almost posted that and didn't involve myself in any Tyraisms. That is a criticism-killer. Allison sometimes strikes me as super sharp in ways that Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul-stirring peers do not. But then, it seems that she actually cares about finding a way to warp her face (she talks about trying a lot), and I question her all over again.

As long as she's on this treadmill of a pursuit, I'm going to assume her intellect falls around the Wile E. Coyote level.

 

I also really like imagining her with a small, thin and practically invalid cartoon arm, to be honest.

4. I like Natalie, obviously, since she's at least plausible as a model and since she can't stand any of the lame girls on the Scarliance. I'm excited to see where this new snob subplot is going to take her.

Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the stankness you'll see!

But I don't think she'll win this for one reason:

 

She can't smile with her eyes! They disappear at the mere suggestion of glee within her!

 

Tyra's never gonna let that shit fly. I'm frowning with my fingers. :(

5. Yep...

 

...it's about the time the lesbian in everyone started to come out, as it were. This is the hottest look in minerals, by far.

6. And speaking of lesbians coming out (per Aminat's salivating over McKey in the clip show, which HA: I called it!), did anyone else think it was funny that McKey sounded totally artificial when talking about how natural-looking this face Spackle they're shilling is?

 

7. In addition to "the camera loves you," "smile with your eyes," and Tyra creating chaos with her face and body...

 

...one of my favorite of this show's fixtures is the inaccurate side-to-side with Jay Manuel...

He's just gonna keep trying till someone takes the camera away. And even at that point, he'll probably just move to the Style Network or Canadian television. Guys, I think we're condemned to a life of bad impressions from Jay Manuel. I'm cringing with my soul. Ironically, it'd make a good side-to-side with the shot of Jay above.

8. I love that Paulina's advise to Tahlia was that she turn into a Garbage Pail Kid.

 

Indeed. Then Tahlia would at least have a chance of getting work.

9. And finally, at last we've reached the point where the old girl is going to get criticism for being the same age she's always been. Sayeth Tyra to Celia: "When you walked up to the other girls, I felt like you were their auntie and they were your nieces." The best part about that sound file obviously is J's "Oooh!" The second best part is that...

 

...Celia looked like this as Tyra was saying it. Not exactly a refutation.

But whatever. If Celia is not America's Next Top Model, at the very least, she is America's Next Top Jerri Blank.

 

Sometimes when I'm watching this cycle, I wish she'd steal my TV, too.

I haven't even gotten to the clip show yet, but people cried and Aminat orgasmed over McKey, so I suppose I must. Tomorrow!

Comments

[vacation]

talia is so fucking fug. good riddance.

[Jess]

Thank you for standing your ground on Tahlia. She had no place being on this show, and Tyra is 90% to blame!

Allison looks so much like Beaker in that "warped face" picture that I want to put a lab coat on her and have her run around saying "meeeep meeeep"

[Chris Johnson]

Talia's teeth are scary! Leave it to you to notice. Maybe she is so non-stop in her burn talk to distract everyone from her Vlad Dracula genealogy.

[SARA]

I HATE CELIA!

[Katie]

The "talent pool" has seriously deteriorated. Tahlia? She's not even an option.

[cari]

Rich, you make my upper lip sweat!

[me]

i cant believe you left out the best line of all during judging! i laughed SO hard when i heard it had to rewind my PVR just to hear it again. i BELIEVE it was miss jay speaking to Celia (re: her oldness):

miss jay: "you look like jesus parted the red sea and there you were standin on the other side, thats how old you look."

followed by hysterical laughter from Clay Aiken. best. antm moment. ever.

[John]

America's Next Top Jerri Blank

stuff like this keeps me watching this shitfest, thank you for giving us this

[Emily]

fucking hated talia

[love highways]

btw Teyona is on the show too, most forgettable winner ever.

Team ANTI-SCARLIANCE for the win!!!!

[cassie]

fucking finally! tahlia and her volleyball poof will not be missed.

[sarah]

SERIOUSLY. to everything you just said. ha

[Lea]

I say it every season and I will say it again. Tyra owes you bigtime for all the viewer YOU get to watch this joke of a show. Just speaking for me, I would have stopped watching this cycles ago if it weren't for your recaps

[Lars]

I'm surprised you or anyone likes Natalie. Her snobbism is bland and suburban, and beyond that her "personality" is drab.

[jordanbaker]

This episode made me completely glad that I'm too lazy to read spoilers for ANTM--because I too thought that Allison was a goner, and my explosion of glee when Tahlia went instead probably woke the neighbors.

I'm an awful person, though, because I wanted her to be upset over being cut. Or at least have that gross smirkface she was sporting wiped off her face for even half a second. That she kept on smugging afterwards is just. . .ugh. Is anyone in the world less self aware?

[Vicki]

"Frowning with my fingers."

-Simply awesome.

[lindsay]

Lea is so right, I used to just watch the marathon before the final but I wanted to enjoy your recaps so now I watch every week.

You are insanely awesome, Rich <3.

[k]

Tahlia's style was beyond frustrating. All her clothes fit badly e.g. her super short flare-leg jeans and her tiny plaid jacket. It was as if she had literally robbed a 14-year-old.

[amanda]

as much as i didn't like tahlia, something about her makes me feel bad for making fun of her. like she was that kid in elementary school that got made fun of for smelling bad and wearing clothes from wal mart.

[emaco]

How awesome would it be if Jerri Blank really were a contestant on this show? I mean, seriously, how fucking awesome would that be?

[jmjm]

Oh, how Tyra plays with us. I enjoy it, which must mean I'm kind of sick.

I don't get Teyona. At all. Somehow they just can't make it look like hair actually BELONGS on her head. They should shave her head bald, paint her green, and cast her in a live-action version of Futurama as Kif Kroker.

London might be getting pear-y, but also she has odd splayed legs. In past episodes at panel they have looked bizarre.

A big, fat yawn at Aminat. Yelling and flailing your arms doesn't equal personality. Take a chill pill.

Celia, when I first saw you in the promo pics I thought you looked horrendous but they must've messed with those because your face and body are fierce and you are mature and sweet-natured and your sense of style is a welcome respite from these mallgirls. I love your look and your horse-face this episode accompanied by "Well, it got me THIS far!" made me laugh. Pretty sure you're not going to win but we all know it's better that way anyway.

[What the Holy Heck]

"that show is gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda"

Thank you for that, Rich.

[Boobie]

Nobody caught that in Clay Aiken's intro, Paulina made the claim that he's sold "billions" of records?

[AnActualModel]

Tahlia looks like Ron Jeremy.

Especially before her makeover.

Good riddance!

[Rob R]

"London couldn't be street even if you paved over her"

LMAO