At last! At last! Sweet Jesus, at last!

Here's what I look like inside:

 

Just to be clear, I look like Paulina inside. Tahlia isn't invited. To anything. Ever.

Since there were no tears spilled as far as I counted, I'll use this introductory space to rage against what was so offensive to me about Tahlia. I'm probably repeating myself a little, although I figure if I don't remember, there's no reason you should. On top of that, I've had to watch this...person for the past seven weeks; I'm entitled to repetition.

Obviously, Tyra is mostly at fault for having the worst and most unattractive (burns or no burns) woman on this show in the first place as an example of...god, I don't fucking know. Charity, I guess, is the best word for it, since Tyra is convinced that she was doing Tahlia and the rest of the world a favor by hosting a burnt token. Tahlia is so inappropriate in every way: from her scars to her shapeless figure to her razor teeth...

...to her inability to make herself look remotely appropriate for her given environment...

(Keep in mind, though, this sub-Senior Tea get-up was praised!)

Bitch can't jump right.

 

Everything she did was so fucking awkward...and not model-awkward. Incompetent awkward.

She is the worst. THE WORST. I'd corroborate Nigel's deeming of her as a "drip," but I wouldn't want to insult gonorrhea. I'd compare her a bump on a log, but I fear it would make defenseless bumps on logs feel awful inside. After all, they're not the ones signing up for beauty competitions. And while it's horrible that Tyra strung her along, instilling false confidence in her for a plot point that wasn't rewarding to viewers in any way, Tahlia's enough of a narcissist to have bought the bullshit. On leaving, she said, "I was shocked to even come this far, but being here I feel now that I have inspired at least one person or hopefully more than that. And no matter what, no matter if I'm not America's Next Top Model, I am a role model in someone's eyes. It's a big deal to be in this competition as a burn survivor and the fact that I made it this far is just amazing and it's opened someone's eyes."

First of all, for every eye opened, 20 are being shielded. But really, who the fuck is she inspiring? Other people who are scarred? Go ahead, burn victims. Go set out to be models. You, too, might progress slightly before falling short and realizing you just wasted your time! I mean, Tahlia barely made it halfway on this joke of a show. Who the fuck is she fooling? And what exactly is she inspiring people to do, if not actually set out to model? Care more about superficial shit they can't change? Really? Because I thought the consolation prize to such a horrible circumstance, a rare ray of light peering into a pile of shit settled on your life, is that you're given a tangible reason to transcend the looks bullshit and find your worth in your character or how you treat others or what you contribute to society. The sad thing is that Tahlia is convinced that appearing on a reality show about modeling helped her achieve just that.

Look, this experience made a girl who's undoubtedly struggled with self-esteem her whole life feel good. I mean, we've all struggled, but Tahlia probably knows brutality beyond our dreams. Shit, I wouldn't want to be burned. I get it. I get that maybe Tahlia loves herself a little bit more now, and that's a good thing (although, I sincerely hope she isn't reading about herself online, because, uh, maybe not). Maybe she can take that self-love and build on it and be loved and make the actual world a better place, not just the fake modeling world. But selling the worth of her participation on the show as anything but an ego boost to her and/or Tyra is just aggressively wrongheaded. I hope that as she continues improving, she one day grows into a sensible enough of a person to realize that.

Wow, I actually feel exorcised. I care about this shit, even at it shittiest, too much. I actually had a dream last night that Allison ended up being sent home and then she had a very theatrical meltdown that involved walking past Tyra on the platform, sitting in her chair, waving her hands above her head and singing "Tarzan Boy." I guess I was so sure that she was going home at this point...

 

...that my subconscious just couldn't shake it. If nothing else, at least Tahlia's inexplicable presence and the heaps of praise she received as late as moments before her elimination made for genuine suspense. So thanks for that, all!

And since I love Tyra and all her decisions so much, I'm so excited to examine the ways her decisions manifest themselves verbally!

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"The camera loves you. The still-photography camera loves you. But they're not sure if you love the camera."

OK, look past the fact that she was saying this to Tahlia and you have one of the best things she's ever said. It's like the Not Without My Daughter of "The camera loves you" proclamations. There are twists and turns and hardship and yet the love at its core remains unmoving. I think it's gotten to the point of being book material.

 

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"I saw hardness. I saw, 'Yo, you wanna buy this foundation? You wanna buy this makeup? Yo, then you know, you need to just get it. Know what I'm sayin'? It, like, takes your grease off and stuff. I like it kinda thin and sheer...' That's what I felt. I felt hard."

Not gonna lie: in it for the gif.

 

But also, what the hell? London's commercial was nothing like that. She may have seemed a little snide, but London couldn't be street if you paved over her.

1. Great that it was Beat Up London Week, too! When Paulina told her, "You know what? Don't wear these shorts. That's not becoming," it seemed less constructive and more straight-up nasty. It was like the second coming of Janice, and thus, refreshing in its way. Plus, it gave birth to maybe my favorite gif of the cycle:

 

And London's been looking a little jiggly for weeks now, if not the whole time she's been on the show. Way to set up her imminent departure, people. I'm guessing she's out of here next week.

 

Remember when Becky on Roseanne all of a sudden became short-haired and dumpy?

 

London does. Perhaps Sarah Chalke can replace her at some point? She'd probably make a more convincing model.

2. I love that Clay fucking Aiken could swish onto this show and immediately go neck-and-neck with Nigel towards becoming the butchest person on it.

His very presence (you might even call him the straight man) helped reiterate the point that show is gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda.

3. This really could be my favorite thing anyone has ever said on this show in response to ongoing critique:

 

"It gets a little frustrating, because I'm not quite sure how to warp my face." I seriously almost posted that and didn't involve myself in any Tyraisms. That is a criticism-killer. Allison sometimes strikes me as super sharp in ways that Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul-stirring peers do not. But then, it seems that she actually cares about finding a way to warp her face (she talks about trying a lot), and I question her all over again.

As long as she's on this treadmill of a pursuit, I'm going to assume her intellect falls around the Wile E. Coyote level.

 

I also really like imagining her with a small, thin and practically invalid cartoon arm, to be honest.

4. I like Natalie, obviously, since she's at least plausible as a model and since she can't stand any of the lame girls on the Scarliance. I'm excited to see where this new snob subplot is going to take her.

Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the stankness you'll see!

But I don't think she'll win this for one reason:

 

She can't smile with her eyes! They disappear at the mere suggestion of glee within her!

 

Tyra's never gonna let that shit fly. I'm frowning with my fingers. :(

5. Yep...

 

...it's about the time the lesbian in everyone started to come out, as it were. This is the hottest look in minerals, by far.

6. And speaking of lesbians coming out (per Aminat's salivating over McKey in the clip show, which HA: I called it!), did anyone else think it was funny that McKey sounded totally artificial when talking about how natural-looking this face Spackle they're shilling is?

 

7. In addition to "the camera loves you," "smile with your eyes," and Tyra creating chaos with her face and body...

 

...one of my favorite of this show's fixtures is the inaccurate side-to-side with Jay Manuel...

He's just gonna keep trying till someone takes the camera away. And even at that point, he'll probably just move to the Style Network or Canadian television. Guys, I think we're condemned to a life of bad impressions from Jay Manuel. I'm cringing with my soul. Ironically, it'd make a good side-to-side with the shot of Jay above.

8. I love that Paulina's advise to Tahlia was that she turn into a Garbage Pail Kid.

 

Indeed. Then Tahlia would at least have a chance of getting work.

9. And finally, at last we've reached the point where the old girl is going to get criticism for being the same age she's always been. Sayeth Tyra to Celia: "When you walked up to the other girls, I felt like you were their auntie and they were your nieces." The best part about that sound file obviously is J's "Oooh!" The second best part is that...

 

...Celia looked like this as Tyra was saying it. Not exactly a refutation.

But whatever. If Celia is not America's Next Top Model, at the very least, she is America's Next Top Jerri Blank.

 

Sometimes when I'm watching this cycle, I wish she'd steal my TV, too.

I haven't even gotten to the clip show yet, but people cried and Aminat orgasmed over McKey, so I suppose I must. Tomorrow!

Comments

[Beth]

Quote, re: Tahlia "Maybe she can take that self-love and build on it and be loved and make the actual world a better place, not just the fake modeling world. But selling the worth of her participation on the show as anything but an ego boost to her and/or Tyra is just aggressively wrongheaded. I hope that as she continues improving, she one day grows into a sensible enough of a person to realize that."

Astute, intelligent, and rich (pun intended) comment. Kudos, big guy.

[Mardi]

Two things:

When Tyra was talking about "being HARD," wasn't the criticism directed at Aminat, not London? And Aminat WAS hard in her commercial! She sucks at acting!

Second, this "show is gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda." Most. Awesome. Thing. Ever.

Thanks Rich!

[Jackie]

"I'm cringing with my soul."

- line of the century!

[RD]

I can't agree with you, Rich. I find Natalie...boring. At least London has a personality and a Texan accent that jumps through flaming loops of fire.

[RD]

Oh, and Mardi, that criticism was directed to London. Who is not street.

[Saint Shore]

Ok, so obviously this is being nit-picky but I gotta mention that it was the hot long haired Becky that replaced the dumpy Becky on Roseanne, not the other way around.

Or maybe dumpy Becky ended up coming back later on? Ok, I'll shut up.

[that's hot]

My 2 favorite quotes you've ever written so far are in this post (pure genius!):

"London couldn't be street if you paved over her."

"His very presence (you might even call him the straight man) helped reiterate the point that show is gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda."

Containing my laughter at work is soooooo heard!

[vladimirnabokov]

London did not get fat, but she her hips were never narrow to begin with. I don't like what they did with her hair, it's severe; the makeover.

I miss the days when they gave the stats of the models on the webpage - height, weight. Then it was easier to stack them up against each other. My fav is Allison, although she only gives the one face, it's the most unique and high fashion. A good photographer could work with her. I think they choose her worst photos. Or maybe she's got a wooden brain.

Fo is quite cute but short, she's my other favorite. I like New Mexico, hey.

Rich, what about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dHHYicOQP0

[Kim]

I love you Rich and you are adorable & hilarious and can totally be my gay boyfriend and every Monday during ANTM is like Christmas. BUT! Are you sure that "hard" speech was for London? I erased it off my DVR but I really really really could have sworn it was directed towards Aminat.

[monica]

Rich this last recap made me laugh so hard I cried ;). Jay Manuel impersonations...Thank you for that!

[Jesse]

Thalia has vagina dentata face.

[k]

@Emily:

Yeeeeuh! My friend in SF rides the bus with Marjorie all the dang time. She's never said "Hi" to her for fear of spooking the poor girl, as if she were a timid fawn.

[Colin]

Strangers with Candy reference? Thank you.

[Dan]

I feel like I'm crossing some sort of border by finally posting, but I've been following here regularly for 2+ years.

The camera-love during judging was all over the place. Someone needs to take a restraining order out on that slut.

When Thalia couldn't even jump for Paulina everyone knew it was the end. She's one of those girls who's afraid to look stupid (fail) and ends up looking even more insecure and out of place than the actually are. Tyra would be all over that exercise acting like a fool.

[Chelsea]

But whatever. If Celia is not America's Next Top Model, at the very least, she is America's Next Top Jerri Blank.

Truer words have never been spoken!

[Emily]

It's really bugging me on this season that everyone's always like "Natalie's the prettiest girl here but..." She's not that cute, am I right? Does she just have the most "model potential" because she looks kinda vapid and bitchy?

I don't get it.

[shannon]

in the inaccurate side by side what. the. fuck. is up with jay manuel's eyebrows? like every other part of him, they are waaaaaaaaay too manicured. i pay way too much money to get mine waxed every month, and they don't look like that porn shit. i wonder what he looks like in the morning. yikes.

[kashmunny]

2 things - if i saw a commercial that was, ahem, "hard" like tyra demonstrated, i would *totally* go straight out and by that shit. especially if it was being advertised as able to take my grease off and stuff.

secondly - i love the breakdown of your tahlia hate, and i, too, had the same visceral reaction to her presence. i especially wanted to spit when she gave her "volleyball pouf" excuse; thanks to the clip show, i remembered what her hair looked like pre-makeover (my 8th grade algebra teacher, mrs. MAGEE *totally* did have that hair, so your comparison was uber-eerie) and there WERE NO BANGS YOU LYING LIAR. ok, maybe she had them in the past but STILL. she just seems like the type to have an excuse for everything (goes with the type of attitude that necessitates constantly whining and whinging).

gooooooooooood riddance, indeed.

[Wade]

London can model for Mom Jeans... and loan Celia a pair for ANTJB.

[Angela]

i think paulina's snide comment about london's fat legs was an attempt to get her to stop wearing those god-awful shorts. literally every freaking week paulina prob had to stare at those nubby chubby things for hours...hey london, ever hear of jeans?

[Jeff]

I was thinking Celia looked more like Bette Midler from Hocus Pocus in that last shot.

Jerri Blank was a good enough reference that I let it go the first time I read this.

[Tozvwpie]

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