Lards of London

Yo, I feel so fortunate that these stills are subtitled and that I can present them as an introduction without commentary.

It's a delicate subject, particularly when it's regarding a girl who has struggled with an eating disorder. You know?

48. Teyona

 

Since just even a little blurb in Seventeen magazine gets you far, can you imagine where this opportunity is going to take Teyona? Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the eyeballs you'll expose...

 

...eh? Well, at the very least Allison should take note: this is at least one way to distort your face.

49. London

 

She whined to the point of a cracking voice while talking about the whole fat thing. Counts.

Before I get to the Tyraisms, I must focus on a more demanding matter:

 

Last week, I said this show was gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda. I think "gayer than an announcement of traveling abroad" now trumps that imagery.

And wait, I didn't quite catch it. Where are they going, again?

 

You know, I seriously doubt that Brazil could live up to the announcement of Brazil. They're setting us up to be disappointed, because, as we all know by now, this show hates us.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"You smile with your eyes naturally. It just is there. You're doin' it right now.

 

When you get in front of a camera and you're naturally this and you start going...

 

...it can start to look cartoonish!"

(Speaking of looks, I looooove how BBC the movement in that gif looks, if you know what I mean, and I hope you do because I can't describe it beyond that.)

OK, so obviously the gif is the main draw. I say put a ring through her nose because I've never seen Tyra look cow-ier, and I've seen her look mighty cowy. But combine this with Paulina's criticism...

 

..."There's a strange tension in your face that's not entirely photogenic, actually," and you have the judges basically telling a girl, "Do as I say, not as I say." Don't smile with your eyes? Tension isn't photogenic? These people are IMPOSSIBLE!

Tyraism of the Week 1.5

"We've never seen a model that has permanent smiling eyes, and London's eyes permanently smile!"

OK, so this very much echoes the sentiment of the Tyraism above, which is why it isn't really its own Tyraism. However, it is notable because Tyra sounds a kegel away from female-ejaculating. Amazing, the ecstatic urgency! I bet you that what she said immediately after that ended up on the cutting room floor was, "Please, Ma...can we keep her?"

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"You showed us that very much like Ciara, you are not a one-hit wonder."

Hey everyone, did you know that Ciara is an icon? No really, models agree. Also, she has won awards.

 

Also, what kind of pull does Ciara's publicist have to turn this show into a fawning infomercial for her bound-to-be-shitty upcoming album (and I say that as someone who's listened to just about everything that's leaked from its recording sessions, including that dreadful "Love, Sex & Magic" garbage and as someone who loves "Promsie" so much that I just might consider having it played at my funeral once I'm dead). Why the fuck are we celebrating her again? Bitch ain't Brazil.

1. You know, it really is crazy that London gained so much weight in such a short period of time.

 

I'm not even going to conjure a real guess as to why (because it's no one's business), but something tells me, based on her past (?) struggles that it wasn't a matter of carelessly developing a donut habit at an inopportune time. There was something higher at work.

Jesus?

Jesus did it. I mean, really, that's the only answer, right? He did everything else.

 

"God put me here for a reason, and I don't know exactly what that reason is. He's definitely testing me and this is one of the hardest experiences of my life."

God is a hell of a casting agent.

You know, not to knock London's faith or anything, even though I can't quite muster up a feeling nicer than unease when regarding someone who willfully suspends reason (I mean, "Whenever I go and approach somebody, I feel like it's the Holy Spirit that's in me, and Jesus speaks through me, even though they're my words"? Seriously?). But it struck me that all the proclamations on God and Jesus that London made would have worked just as well, if not better, if "Tyra" was swapped in for "God." Let's take the above example:

"Tyra put me here for a reason, and I don't know exactly what the reason is. She's definitely testing me and this is one of the hardest experiences of my life."

Makes sense to me. It's logical, even!

Let's try another:

"I was like, Tyra, just give me confidence. Give me you inside of me so that I'm able to push through the outer insecurities and perform like a true top model!"

Or how 'bout:

"You know, if I didn't have Tyra with me right now, I don't know what I would do."

And finally, there is:

"I thought that the day I was gonna be eliminated that I would be really upset with Tyra. But you know what? Surprisingly enough I am not at all."

Something tells me that Tyra would completely approve of this assessment.

Girl, you know it's true.

But my final example of why London just doesn't get it was that she called having to pose in a bikini "ironic."

 

See, I'd call that predictable. So while she chalks it all up to cosmic order, I can say that I totally called it. It didn't take omniscience, just enough brain power to remember what happened to the saggy, baggy elephant that was Keenyah.

2. Oh, and let's talk about Ciara for just a few more seconds:

Nice to know that she picked up the ball right where Tahlia dripped it. Christ on a diet! No one's ever going to confuse Ciara for someone with a personality, but Jesus of London, I've met drywall with more character. Upon approving her photo with Celia, Ciara noted, "She gives good, like, stuff." The drywall laughed to see such a sport!

The only interesting thing that she did was getting molested by Aminat.

 

 

 

Really, like, that's it.

3. Aminat at judging, by the way? Never seen her look hotter!

 

For real, she should keep her face covered all the time.

(Side note: Remember when Janice told Kelle in Cycle 3 that if she couldn't get her face right, she should just cover it? Ah, good times.)

No but seriously, I do not think of Aminat as a conventionally attractive person...

 

...but holy shit, she was standing sex here. Everything is flawless. I wish she could look like this all the time.

I don't wish she could look like this all the time, though:

 

Terrible and awful. You know who she immediately reminded me of when I saw this? The woman that Punky Brewster met in the vet's office when Brandon broke his leg or some shit and maybe was going to do. The old lady's dog was named Angus and, in a twist, he ended up dying, sadly. Or you know, sadly in the Punky Brewster universe.

 

It turns out that this woman's name was Beah Richards and she was political and shit. She was fierce beyond Aminat. I almost feel bad for comparing her to Aminat. Almost.

Oh, and not to steer so off course, but here's the freeze frame that Punky episode ends on:

I didn't even know that kids could get hemorrhoids.

Also, here's Punky's face in response to the news that Angus died:

 

It's in desperate need of a caption. I was going to tag it lolcat style with, "No Homo," but I think it's too soon for people to really absorb the irony and not take that at face value. Give it time.

4. Oh! Speaking of comparisons, I finally realized exactly whom London reminds me of:

 

The girl from True Life: I Have Tourette's Syndrome. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Best comparison ever! I have the power! I am Fierce Jesus!

 

5. Mini Pretty Party starting...now!

 

 

You know what I love even more than this? Allison's whispered reaction to having been ripped from sleep by Jay Manuel:

 

"Why is Jay in our house?" I love that she says it as though he could still be there, lurking in the shadows with impossible command ready to spring forth from his stained lips. I think the experience scarred her. I can't say I'm surprised.

6. You know what Natalie is?

Yeah, that's right. She's a visionary person.

Also, I'm not positive but she may also be a member of the Hair Bear Bunch.

 

But really, when a woman can rock half-done hair and still look amazing...

 

 

 

It's hats-off time. Please accept my imaginary hat hair as a token of my respect, Natalie.

 

I would argue that this bitch is Brazil.

7. Fo is so self-consciously, aw-shucksedly adorable that I want to slip something in her Shirley Temple.

 

Perhaps urine. I'm not sure.

I love that Celia gave Fo a fauxhawk. Gee, where'd you come up with that idea, you free-associating fashion plate?

Funnily enough, during Fo's challenge shoot, an alert for the digital changeover scrolled at the bottom of the screen, squishing the ANTM picture...

 

...and making her look even shorter. So there you have it, the digital TV changeover thing is just a big conspiracy to make Fo look even shorter than she already is. I think I know who's going home next week.

8. And also, per Celia:

 

"All you have to do is, like, move your muscles. Y'know? For me, I have to literally, like, think of sex to get a good picture." As she reminds me of Ted Haggard in that shot, I figured the kind of sex she thinks of involves muscle tops and meth. And then I saw her shot...

 

...and realized that she's into fisting. Makes total sense.

9. I love how these girls are just fucking shit up this cycle. First Celia commits the cardinal sin of informing Tyra something after a decision to send a girl home has already been made. And then Allison admits that Nigel isn't the center of her universe.

 

Seeing him genuinely crestfallen when Allison said Mike's shoot was her favorite so far is one of the highlights in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model. I know Allison was all embarrassed about it..

 

...but holy shit was I proud.

10. Here's a gif of Tyra eating, in case you ever need one:

 

11. Like, I didn't know that McKey was in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Wishgiver.

 

Although, the My Life as a CoverGirl segments are such a joke that it's kind of nice that they're being put to good use. If McKey's not going to be modeling, it's wonderful to see her letting other people know that they can for a day.

12. Just in case you need more proof that Teyona's projecting when she calls other people dumb:

 

 

Not saying there's anything wrong with being inarticulate or using the word "nervousy," I just feel like you shouldn't write a check that your ass doesn't have the vocabulary for.

I mean, she thinks you can cross your butt cheeks. What the hell kind of butt cheekbones does she have? Mile-high ones?

13. Would anyone mind translating for me what J is saying here?

Because I have no fucking idea. Is it English? Is it check? What is it?

14. Mike Ruiz could kinda get it, right?

 

I would just worry about him asking (making?) me call him, "Daddy," 'cause I don't play that shit.

15. Love that the first episode without Tahlia also happens to be the best episode since the cycle's premiere. Coincidence? I think not.

16. And finally:

 

It ends this way because what other way could it?

Comments

[Bean]

i am complete now because of these gifs. also, tyra looks likes shes saying "pussy" in many of the brazil gifs

[TyrasSmellyCooch]

Do as I say, not as I say.

Fucking brilliant and right on!

[Uncommon_Whore]

I honestly have no fucking clue what Ms J is saying - does he ever use any words that make sense?

[Amanda]

Hahahahahha at all of this. I was writing my recap and saying 'God, I can't wait for the GIF' and you didn't disappoint me... at all. Now that I'm over the horror of Nigel being such a douche, I'm on the same team as you... and I love Allison for knocking him into orbit.

[Dan]

So I'm watching Hitchcock's Notorious (as opposed to the Biggie biopic) and right after I analyze all the different ways Tyra says Brazil in the gif wall, Cary Grant goes, "we're going to Brazil" and I freaked out.

Also, why does every Christian on reality TV have to be extremely Calvinist in their predetermined paths and everything for a reason and all? Although, it does make it easier to classify the contestants and editors love the whole one-dimensional thing for the non-finalists.

[Erin]

BRAZILIA!

[emmysuh]

"God is a hell of a casting agent." and "Jesus of London" and "a gif of Tyra eating, just in case you ever need one" = best parts of this entry, which is saying something, as the entire entry made me smile and go, "Yes, that is it EXACTLY."

Your site is often the highlight of my blogroll. Thanks!

[drfeelbad]

It's so sad when a street preacher/potential top model stops starving herself and blows up like a balloon. At least she'll always have those smilin' eyes!

[k]

"Promise" is the best!!

Also, dumbest photo shoot eve- ...uh, dumbest photo shoot in awhile, anyway. My friend walked in halfway through and was like "What?" and I was like "Yes."

[Style Bard]

Kinda feel bad for London, actually. And I'm surprised more wasn't made of her disorder on the show. Then again, I don't have any idea who I like that's left, so that makes it easier to think fondly on the ones who've gone. Thanks for the post!

[Jedzz]

"Would anyone mind translating for me what J is saying here?"

It's Miss J. Does it matter?

[maria]

All I could think of during the Brazil celebrations were the gif that were coming.

[Alixliche]

I'm from brazil and I tell you that by the way that half naked dude speaked portuguese, there's no way he was brazilian. I think he was from Portugal, but not Brazil. Maybe your male models are way too expensive for the show's budget. Blame Baby Jesus! (Madonna's, not London's)

[K]

I too, heard Miss J speak at panel and thought "wtf did he just say?"

Love the recaps :) You had my hopes up last week for a full video-recap again, those usually bring me to tears (laughter tears).

[Missy]

I wish you would have posted a still of London standing while being judged. Someone mentioned last week about her legs being weirdly splayed, and boy were they strange this week!

[Jess]

"The girl from True Life: I Have Tourette's Syndrome. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Best comparison ever! I have the power! I am Fierce Jesus!"

Holy shit. YES. She should flip out on her grandma and have a horrible time at Disneyland.

[Jhg812]

Fo is so freaking adorable. But she's not going home next week. No way.
Speaking of whom, I thought that first Punky Brewster photo was Fo for a second.

"Celia's into fisting." AWESOMENESS!

[steele]

That last gif makes me feel like Ms. Jay is really going to hit me. I'm scared.

I still can't see what you see in Natalie though....

Fantastic as always. :)

[Jilly B]

I think Miss J is saying:

"I think you look exqurshit. What is it--the haberdasheries are dashiness, the fashionableness. I love it."

I think they cut him off and re-edited the sound, because usually whenever he uses the word "exqurshit" the line is: "I think you look exqurshit. What is it? Exqurshit."

[Uncommon_Whore]

To Dan - Notorious is my favorite Hitchcock. The chemistry between Cary and Ingrid makes my lady parts flutter.

Jilly B, thank you for the translation. I knew haberdashery was slapdashed in there somewhere.

[Becky]

I'm not really sure what Ms. J is saying, but rest assured- he loves it.

[Joe]

Yeah, Rich - something was UP with London's weight gain. It wasn't a simple case of "too many cookies". I think the stress of the show really did a number on her. I don't know, I kinda liked her. Maybe because of lowered expectations - street preachers are just about the most loathsome people to me - but she seemed kinda cool.

[Crazy about the girl]

Alixliche,

For a little bit I also thought the guy in Speedo was from Portugal, but really he spoke in such an awkward (and low!) voice that I decided that he was not a native speaker. Couldn't they record a voice over?!?

[Meg]

London's metabolism went in the shitter back when she starved herself, and sadly, she picked a bad time to recover and eat normally. That is the main reason you would put on so much weight so fast. And holy hell, why would you decide to go on TV AND in a modeling competition when you have issues with your weight? I feel really bad for her, poor thing probably walked off set and yaked.

Miss Jay said something about haberdasheries and fashionableness....leave it to him to say something absurdly unintelligible. Also, what a DOUCHE for the "what have you been eating?" question! What did he expect in reply? "Well, J, I have a four course meal twice a day..." ?

One question about your recaps -- why are the GIFs sped up?

[Cheryl]

All I could focus on Amitat's picture was how they increased her eye brows...she has rockin eye brows all on her own, they didn't need enlargement. Oh, and I think London was rockin those shorts at panel again that paulina told her never to wear aagin