Lards of London

Yo, I feel so fortunate that these stills are subtitled and that I can present them as an introduction without commentary.

It's a delicate subject, particularly when it's regarding a girl who has struggled with an eating disorder. You know?

48. Teyona

 

Since just even a little blurb in Seventeen magazine gets you far, can you imagine where this opportunity is going to take Teyona? Oh, the places you'll go! Oh, the eyeballs you'll expose...

 

...eh? Well, at the very least Allison should take note: this is at least one way to distort your face.

49. London

 

She whined to the point of a cracking voice while talking about the whole fat thing. Counts.

Before I get to the Tyraisms, I must focus on a more demanding matter:

 

Last week, I said this show was gayer than an edible butt plug made with Splenda. I think "gayer than an announcement of traveling abroad" now trumps that imagery.

And wait, I didn't quite catch it. Where are they going, again?

 

You know, I seriously doubt that Brazil could live up to the announcement of Brazil. They're setting us up to be disappointed, because, as we all know by now, this show hates us.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"You smile with your eyes naturally. It just is there. You're doin' it right now.

 

When you get in front of a camera and you're naturally this and you start going...

 

...it can start to look cartoonish!"

(Speaking of looks, I looooove how BBC the movement in that gif looks, if you know what I mean, and I hope you do because I can't describe it beyond that.)

OK, so obviously the gif is the main draw. I say put a ring through her nose because I've never seen Tyra look cow-ier, and I've seen her look mighty cowy. But combine this with Paulina's criticism...

 

..."There's a strange tension in your face that's not entirely photogenic, actually," and you have the judges basically telling a girl, "Do as I say, not as I say." Don't smile with your eyes? Tension isn't photogenic? These people are IMPOSSIBLE!

Tyraism of the Week 1.5

"We've never seen a model that has permanent smiling eyes, and London's eyes permanently smile!"

OK, so this very much echoes the sentiment of the Tyraism above, which is why it isn't really its own Tyraism. However, it is notable because Tyra sounds a kegel away from female-ejaculating. Amazing, the ecstatic urgency! I bet you that what she said immediately after that ended up on the cutting room floor was, "Please, Ma...can we keep her?"

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"You showed us that very much like Ciara, you are not a one-hit wonder."

Hey everyone, did you know that Ciara is an icon? No really, models agree. Also, she has won awards.

 

Also, what kind of pull does Ciara's publicist have to turn this show into a fawning infomercial for her bound-to-be-shitty upcoming album (and I say that as someone who's listened to just about everything that's leaked from its recording sessions, including that dreadful "Love, Sex & Magic" garbage and as someone who loves "Promsie" so much that I just might consider having it played at my funeral once I'm dead). Why the fuck are we celebrating her again? Bitch ain't Brazil.

1. You know, it really is crazy that London gained so much weight in such a short period of time.

 

I'm not even going to conjure a real guess as to why (because it's no one's business), but something tells me, based on her past (?) struggles that it wasn't a matter of carelessly developing a donut habit at an inopportune time. There was something higher at work.

Jesus?

Jesus did it. I mean, really, that's the only answer, right? He did everything else.

 

"God put me here for a reason, and I don't know exactly what that reason is. He's definitely testing me and this is one of the hardest experiences of my life."

God is a hell of a casting agent.

You know, not to knock London's faith or anything, even though I can't quite muster up a feeling nicer than unease when regarding someone who willfully suspends reason (I mean, "Whenever I go and approach somebody, I feel like it's the Holy Spirit that's in me, and Jesus speaks through me, even though they're my words"? Seriously?). But it struck me that all the proclamations on God and Jesus that London made would have worked just as well, if not better, if "Tyra" was swapped in for "God." Let's take the above example:

"Tyra put me here for a reason, and I don't know exactly what the reason is. She's definitely testing me and this is one of the hardest experiences of my life."

Makes sense to me. It's logical, even!

Let's try another:

"I was like, Tyra, just give me confidence. Give me you inside of me so that I'm able to push through the outer insecurities and perform like a true top model!"

Or how 'bout:

"You know, if I didn't have Tyra with me right now, I don't know what I would do."

And finally, there is:

"I thought that the day I was gonna be eliminated that I would be really upset with Tyra. But you know what? Surprisingly enough I am not at all."

Something tells me that Tyra would completely approve of this assessment.

Girl, you know it's true.

But my final example of why London just doesn't get it was that she called having to pose in a bikini "ironic."

 

See, I'd call that predictable. So while she chalks it all up to cosmic order, I can say that I totally called it. It didn't take omniscience, just enough brain power to remember what happened to the saggy, baggy elephant that was Keenyah.

2. Oh, and let's talk about Ciara for just a few more seconds:

Nice to know that she picked up the ball right where Tahlia dripped it. Christ on a diet! No one's ever going to confuse Ciara for someone with a personality, but Jesus of London, I've met drywall with more character. Upon approving her photo with Celia, Ciara noted, "She gives good, like, stuff." The drywall laughed to see such a sport!

The only interesting thing that she did was getting molested by Aminat.

 

 

 

Really, like, that's it.

3. Aminat at judging, by the way? Never seen her look hotter!

 

For real, she should keep her face covered all the time.

(Side note: Remember when Janice told Kelle in Cycle 3 that if she couldn't get her face right, she should just cover it? Ah, good times.)

No but seriously, I do not think of Aminat as a conventionally attractive person...

 

...but holy shit, she was standing sex here. Everything is flawless. I wish she could look like this all the time.

I don't wish she could look like this all the time, though:

 

Terrible and awful. You know who she immediately reminded me of when I saw this? The woman that Punky Brewster met in the vet's office when Brandon broke his leg or some shit and maybe was going to do. The old lady's dog was named Angus and, in a twist, he ended up dying, sadly. Or you know, sadly in the Punky Brewster universe.

 

It turns out that this woman's name was Beah Richards and she was political and shit. She was fierce beyond Aminat. I almost feel bad for comparing her to Aminat. Almost.

Oh, and not to steer so off course, but here's the freeze frame that Punky episode ends on:

I didn't even know that kids could get hemorrhoids.

Also, here's Punky's face in response to the news that Angus died:

 

It's in desperate need of a caption. I was going to tag it lolcat style with, "No Homo," but I think it's too soon for people to really absorb the irony and not take that at face value. Give it time.

4. Oh! Speaking of comparisons, I finally realized exactly whom London reminds me of:

 

The girl from True Life: I Have Tourette's Syndrome. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Best comparison ever! I have the power! I am Fierce Jesus!

 

5. Mini Pretty Party starting...now!

 

 

You know what I love even more than this? Allison's whispered reaction to having been ripped from sleep by Jay Manuel:

 

"Why is Jay in our house?" I love that she says it as though he could still be there, lurking in the shadows with impossible command ready to spring forth from his stained lips. I think the experience scarred her. I can't say I'm surprised.

6. You know what Natalie is?

Yeah, that's right. She's a visionary person.

Also, I'm not positive but she may also be a member of the Hair Bear Bunch.

 

But really, when a woman can rock half-done hair and still look amazing...

 

 

 

It's hats-off time. Please accept my imaginary hat hair as a token of my respect, Natalie.

 

I would argue that this bitch is Brazil.

7. Fo is so self-consciously, aw-shucksedly adorable that I want to slip something in her Shirley Temple.

 

Perhaps urine. I'm not sure.

I love that Celia gave Fo a fauxhawk. Gee, where'd you come up with that idea, you free-associating fashion plate?

Funnily enough, during Fo's challenge shoot, an alert for the digital changeover scrolled at the bottom of the screen, squishing the ANTM picture...

 

...and making her look even shorter. So there you have it, the digital TV changeover thing is just a big conspiracy to make Fo look even shorter than she already is. I think I know who's going home next week.

8. And also, per Celia:

 

"All you have to do is, like, move your muscles. Y'know? For me, I have to literally, like, think of sex to get a good picture." As she reminds me of Ted Haggard in that shot, I figured the kind of sex she thinks of involves muscle tops and meth. And then I saw her shot...

 

...and realized that she's into fisting. Makes total sense.

9. I love how these girls are just fucking shit up this cycle. First Celia commits the cardinal sin of informing Tyra something after a decision to send a girl home has already been made. And then Allison admits that Nigel isn't the center of her universe.

 

Seeing him genuinely crestfallen when Allison said Mike's shoot was her favorite so far is one of the highlights in the history of America's. Next. Top. Model. I know Allison was all embarrassed about it..

 

...but holy shit was I proud.

10. Here's a gif of Tyra eating, in case you ever need one:

 

11. Like, I didn't know that McKey was in the running towards becoming America's Next Top Wishgiver.

 

Although, the My Life as a CoverGirl segments are such a joke that it's kind of nice that they're being put to good use. If McKey's not going to be modeling, it's wonderful to see her letting other people know that they can for a day.

12. Just in case you need more proof that Teyona's projecting when she calls other people dumb:

 

 

Not saying there's anything wrong with being inarticulate or using the word "nervousy," I just feel like you shouldn't write a check that your ass doesn't have the vocabulary for.

I mean, she thinks you can cross your butt cheeks. What the hell kind of butt cheekbones does she have? Mile-high ones?

13. Would anyone mind translating for me what J is saying here?

Because I have no fucking idea. Is it English? Is it check? What is it?

14. Mike Ruiz could kinda get it, right?

 

I would just worry about him asking (making?) me call him, "Daddy," 'cause I don't play that shit.

15. Love that the first episode without Tahlia also happens to be the best episode since the cycle's premiere. Coincidence? I think not.

16. And finally:

 

It ends this way because what other way could it?

Comments

[S.]

While in Brazil, will they have a segment of the girls getting American waxes?

[cam]

BBC? as in uk tv? It's a conversion thing. FYI US tv looks awful over here too! (If I have missed a reference, please let me know!)

[Danielle]

London totally looks like the girl that plays Silver on the new 90210 or at least her older sister.

[Chris Johnson]

Nigel is an asshat.

[yggy]

London didn't look all that fat to me and she's beautiful, imo (I know, she's supposed to be thinner than a stick). I hope she didn't have a relapse. :(

Mr. J is saying something or someone is exquisite or "exsquirsite" then something about habberdashiries (as mentioned before)...fashionable...I love it.

This show is exsquirsite, lol.

[Sarah]

clearly, miss j said that it's "excorigant." and something about fashion.

there was something i loved that i was hoping you'd get, but now of course i forget what it was. alas. cool as always!

something about teyona's hairline bugs me.

[Stephanitza]

Celia.

Looks like Martha Plimpton in her pic with Ciara. Hmmmm.

And I'm sorry, but did you believe her for one second when she said she'd been a big fam of Ciara's for some time....? I was like-- honky, please.

[karen]

"Lards of London" is hilarious.
I think Natalie's number is up this week. Fo has a couple more.

[Vanessa]

I agree with previous poster re: since street preachers are largely a loathsome bunch in need of a good neuroleptic, my bar was pretty low. Even without that part of the equation tho, I think I still would have dug London (altho, like you, all that Jesus take the wheel shite just left me baffled at best.) Now hearing she had an eating disorder makes me really hate those assholes. She couldn't have been there more than a few weeks, could she? That was a lot of weight for so short a time. Now I must worry for her.

I really expected you to rag on Mr. Jay too for his spectacular advice to London on her predicament that went something like "You just need to eat healthy. And like healthy." Thanks Jay. I'm totally on my way to a size 2 now!! Fucking douche.

And speaking of douchiness--now no one is allowed to compliment a guest that does that same thing as a judge? They bitch that Allison has no personality, she actually expresses herself and...ok, I'm done. Tyra is sending out the asshole vibe and the whole panel is vibrating like pitch forks.

Finally-- damn I did love the Hair Bear Bunch shout out. Help help here come the bears!

[yggy]

They were really mean to Allison. I was trying to forget that because during it, I was flabbergasted that anyone(s) could be so fucking mean. She didn't do anything wrong.
Agreed that Nigel is an asshat.

[true]

Why didn't you write anything on Allison's ugly man hands? And feet for that matter. She was sitting with Celia and both their feet were dangling off the balcony or hallway or whatever and you catch a view of her feet... UUUGGGGG!!!! Her hands are all gnarly and big too. It was distracting and gross. I'm on team Allison for the win, but damn!!

[Dara]

"...kegel away from female-ejaculating." I am so stealing that line.

Poor London. She really did blow up, huh? I forgot how thin she was and thought for a sec she was supposed to be the fat one.

Love you, Rich!

xoxoxox

[Erika]

Can't these judges think of an ounce of criticism to give to lizard-face Teyona? Even if her winning is inevitable, make her sweat for it a little!

[spazmo]

Everyone would die happier if they knew that your "Going to Brazil!" GIF wall would be playing at their funerals.

And your extrapolation of Allison's fear of Mr. J's lurking presence in the house is awesome. Remember that Scooby-Doo episode with the Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla ghosts? Jay would be the Orange Sherbert Phantom...

[Tab]

The girl from True Life: I Have Tourette's Syndrome. If you've seen it, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Oh my god, thank you for that.

All this season I've been thinking that I liked London because she reminded me of someone awesome...but I couldn't place who.
I was even saying that one thing I liked about her was the brusque, almost spastic way she talks.

Also, I get the impression that Natalie meant to say 'visual person', but it's not like she's been humble in the past, so who knows. Maybe she was just nervousy.

[trick please]

Wow, I have to say this week's recap was especially awesome. References to Milli Vanilli, nursery rhymes and Punky Brewster-yay! Off topic: I bawled when they took Punky away from Henry and my brother was punished because they thought he hit me or something.

Gifs--brilliant!

[daniella]

They would have known she has an eating disorder before letting her on the show... and yet chose to harp on her instead of providing constructive advice. Tyra's a sick human being.

[Diana]

Even though he is smokin' hot I am totally over Nigel's sensitive feelings. Seriously the man needs to get over himself. I feel like there is one episode per cycle where Nigel gets his feelings hurt, poor baby. Yeah what CarriDee said was kind of rude and crass with her comment about pulling the stick out of his ass but the comment that Jennah made about how she wasn't nervous working with him was kind of "so what?" Now this business with Allison is just really stupid. Get over it Nigel and get a thicker skin.

[cassie]

Can we refer to London as "BIG baby jesus" now, or is it too soon?

[Colleen]

Rich! Have you seen the Covergirl Ad Aminat, Celia, and Sandra won way back in the second episode?: http://honestlyantm12.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/covergirl-exact-eyelights-ad/

Aminat looks like a black Melissa Rivers, and I don't mean that as a compliment.

[3ya]

OHHH was I proud of Allison for what she did Nigel. Seriously Nigel has turned into such a douche at first I had the hots for him then he just turned to an ego maniac and we already have Tyra for that!

Also I feel bad for London but the whole permanently smiling eyes was HILARIOUS! Shit I'd give every cent I had to have those kind of eyes!

[Geno]

Thank goodness for your posting of the Miss Jay "exquirsite" whateverthehell he said. I had to rewind it like 5 times to even realize he was trying to speak english.

[Isa]

Oh my goodness. I have NO idea what that Miss J. soundclip says, but I have a feeling it would make an amazing techno remix. Please, someone with the time and the skill, make my dream come true! (McKey?)

[Alixlische]

Crazy about the girl,

It's really odd that in an episode full of "Brazil" the model isn't even from the land. Gosh, there are lots and lots of brazilians living in US, coudn't they get a real one? Ore even, like you said, record a voice over? I coundn't understand what he was saying! Oh, and what I could, there was nothing to do about Tyra's responses! It was kind of fun for me!

[Fake Janice Combs]

Ms Jay is speaking gin, if ya asked me.