There's a chance you may have already watched this, but I've been so obsessed with it for the past two days that I have to post it out of respect. It's footage from some weird, snakeoily vintage video directed at budding stage moms that's been chopped and spliced wonderfully by Everything Is Terrible. Every single second of it is despicable enough to read like satire. It's just so the worst that it bends back around and touches the best. Really. It is the best.
I love it so much that I'm able to make a Top 5 moments list out of just two minutes and 28 seconds of footage:
5. The little girl at :05 that thrusts out her hand like she's an extra in Cats who's worshiping that weird god cat that takes the pariah up to heaven at the end.
4. "Have some of the kids' friends come over the house and have them put on plays. And tape them for it." (1:36)
3. "It's like a polo pony. Ya gotta beat the polo pony to run out after a ball. It's not natural for it to do it. But if you can find a horse that does it, he becomes a good polo pony. You gotta do the same thing with a child." (1:54)
2. "Katie's leaning on the wall and her foot's on the wall!" (1:45)
1. The bell ringing in someone's ear over the phone (1:30)
Oh, but the best thing of this best thing ever is the way the guy kinda licks his lips at the very end. That's so good it's, like, beyond No. 1.
I've seen this so many times already, I love it.
And your banner is really creeping me out..
Posted by: steele | April 03, 2009 at 12:19 AM
Thank you for the introduction to Everything is Terrible. God bless the VHS.
Posted by: cinemasochist | April 03, 2009 at 12:44 AM
ohgod creepy lip lick....
Posted by: moonit | April 03, 2009 at 03:48 AM
Awesome.
Posted by: mer | April 03, 2009 at 11:38 AM
"A child is like a business. You have to treat it as one." It? IT?!?!? OMG. How atrocious. Stage mothers and fathers should be whipped into polo ponies. I'm just sayin'.
Posted by: torrinpaige | April 03, 2009 at 03:04 PM
I wonder if the parents from Danny Bonaduche's "I Know My Kids a Star" ever watched it.
Absolutely hilarious!!! "That is a no-no!"
Posted by: Sam | April 03, 2009 at 03:29 PM
Dina Lohan has this in her library.
Posted by: mary | April 03, 2009 at 10:36 PM
The creepiest part by far -- "You have to infect them with the bug of show business." The bell ringing is definitely my favorite, though. I need to make an animated gif of it. The hair and glasses just cap it off.
Posted by: clarabell | April 04, 2009 at 08:30 PM
Er, just, "You infect them with the bug of show business." Just ... *shudders*
Posted by: clarabell | April 04, 2009 at 08:31 PM
you're totally into children being judged, aren't you?
Posted by: bellina | April 05, 2009 at 04:38 PM
Does California child labor law allow me to put foster kids in commercials and keep a significant portion of the child's earnings? How does one become a foster parent in CA? Has the law changed since this was filmed? I assume you can't actually whip the kids like polo ponies, right?
Posted by: Lina Dohan | April 05, 2009 at 07:59 PM
Your description of the Cats-extra-cat-god-worshiping child actually made me laugh so hard I cried.
Posted by: Shamu | April 06, 2009 at 12:23 AM
Un.Real.
I love Everything Is Terrible!
Posted by: John R. | April 06, 2009 at 11:51 AM
this reminds me of all the controversy over that crying child in the antismoking ad, that was said to cry real tears. May have just been the saddes thing ever.
Posted by: golublog | April 06, 2009 at 05:01 PM
I wonder if Stephen Colbert took cues from Mark Alyn.
Posted by: Joan | April 07, 2009 at 07:57 PM
LOL i have never seen this and i am over here in tears seriously hilarious
Posted by: styleplusgrace | April 08, 2009 at 05:38 PM
Uh, next time, how about a "Spoiler Alert" for those of us who haven't seen Cats yet?
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