"We need lots of kids"

There's a chance you may have already watched this, but I've been so obsessed with it for the past two days that I have to post it out of respect. It's footage from some weird, snakeoily vintage video directed at budding stage moms that's been chopped and spliced wonderfully by Everything Is Terrible. Every single second of it is despicable enough to read like satire. It's just so the worst that it bends back around and touches the best. Really. It is the best.

I love it so much that I'm able to make a Top 5 moments list out of just two minutes and 28 seconds of footage:

5. The little girl at :05 that thrusts out her hand like she's an extra in Cats who's worshiping that weird god cat that takes the pariah up to heaven at the end.
4. "Have some of the kids' friends come over the house and have them put on plays. And tape them for it." (1:36)
3. "It's like a polo pony. Ya gotta beat the polo pony to run out after a ball. It's not natural for it to do it. But if you can find a horse that does it, he becomes a good polo pony. You gotta do the same thing with a child." (1:54)
2. "Katie's leaning on the wall and her foot's on the wall!" (1:45)
1. The bell ringing in someone's ear over the phone (1:30)

Oh, but the best thing of this best thing ever is the way the guy kinda licks his lips at the very end. That's so good it's, like, beyond No. 1.

Comments

[steele]

I've seen this so many times already, I love it.

And your banner is really creeping me out..

[cinemasochist]

Thank you for the introduction to Everything is Terrible. God bless the VHS.

[moonit]

ohgod creepy lip lick....

[mer]

Awesome.

[torrinpaige]

"A child is like a business. You have to treat it as one." It? IT?!?!? OMG. How atrocious. Stage mothers and fathers should be whipped into polo ponies. I'm just sayin'.

[Sam]

I wonder if the parents from Danny Bonaduche's "I Know My Kids a Star" ever watched it.

Absolutely hilarious!!! "That is a no-no!"

[mary]

Dina Lohan has this in her library.

[clarabell]

The creepiest part by far -- "You have to infect them with the bug of show business." The bell ringing is definitely my favorite, though. I need to make an animated gif of it. The hair and glasses just cap it off.

[clarabell]

Er, just, "You infect them with the bug of show business." Just ... *shudders*

[bellina]

you're totally into children being judged, aren't you?

[Lina Dohan]

Does California child labor law allow me to put foster kids in commercials and keep a significant portion of the child's earnings? How does one become a foster parent in CA? Has the law changed since this was filmed? I assume you can't actually whip the kids like polo ponies, right?

[Shamu]

Your description of the Cats-extra-cat-god-worshiping child actually made me laugh so hard I cried.

[John R.]

Un.Real.

I love Everything Is Terrible!

[golublog]

this reminds me of all the controversy over that crying child in the antismoking ad, that was said to cry real tears. May have just been the saddes thing ever.

[Joan]

I wonder if Stephen Colbert took cues from Mark Alyn.

[styleplusgrace]

LOL i have never seen this and i am over here in tears seriously hilarious

[vinceneilyoung]

Uh, next time, how about a "Spoiler Alert" for those of us who haven't seen Cats yet?

[Aprlodss]

guzVlN

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If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

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