Justified and ancient

She's old! She's old! She's the lady version of a 1,000 year-old egg (not as quite as aged as she's made out to be, but probably not fit for mass consumption). But isn't the elephant on the runway the fact that Celia's a Pikmin? I mean, isn't wheat grass that grows from her head what's really making her unmarketable?

53. Celia

 

Jay said after Celia's shoot that she looked like she was crying! Works for me! But you know what works for me better, speaking of what Celia looks like? Her uncanny resemblance to Sifl & Olly's Chester:

 

You know, come to think of it, Chester smiles with his eyes better than anyone I've ever seen on ANTM. I really hope they have a sock puppet themed shoot next cycle. The girls should be short enough that no special-sock purchase will be necessary.

The point of all this is, Celia, keep your feet on the ground, your ass in nice threads and keep reaching for those bubbles.

54. Teyona

She thought she was going to be in the Bottom 2, but she cried anyway when she wasn't. Well, at least we know there's one person who'll be surprised when Teyona wins on Wednesday.

55. Allison

 

I think this counts. I don't know. I didn't see actual tears, but I don't think Allison cries actual tears. It's probably like the stuff that flows from Sailor Moon's eyes or liquefied Doozer sticks or coconut water (since, per my unofficial bodega surveying, that's hip nowadays and I loooove it) or Jamba Juice. You know, something sweet that would be weird coming out of tear ducts.

And speaking of weird...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

(Following some babble about holding mysterious go-sees of her own and seeing some guy that looked like a tiger or some shit) "So, that's how important go-sees are to, like, work that client. Whether it's like this...

 

...or like this..."

 

Work the client how? Into a state of confusion? Into a new appreciation for mimes and their ways? Into cold, unadulterated fear when they realize they have someone who's completely unhinged standing before them? You know, I don't know shit and I'm sure half the advice I criticize on this show is actually useful (except, I'm not at all sure of that but just go with it for the sake of my diplomacy), but I can guarantee you that if you walk into a go-see doing either of the two extreme facial expressions Tyra just provided YOU WILL NOT BE HIRED. Unless said go-see is at Clown College.

Props on commitment to her role as an HBIC whose car broke down and left her stranded on the way to the day's photo shoot. Check out the grease on her hands in that first shot.

 

I was really hoping a mutant from the Brazilian backwoods was going to come out and claim her. She thinks she knows fierceness, but she knows nothing!

Also, this whole bit really underscored this show's phobia with repeating itself to the point where a simple, "Hello, welcome to my shoot," from Tyra is deemed not good enough. She's hard on these girls but most of all herself. I imagine her hitting her head against the wall of her dressing room, all, "MUST. INNOVATE. IN. REALM. OF. SALUTATIONS. 'HI.' IS. FOR. COMMONERS. AND. NORMALS. MUST. MAKE. EVERY. GREETING. THE. MOST. AMAZING. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. AMERICA'S. NEXT. TOP. MODEL. ALWAYS."

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Because I was a model, I'm sensitive to other models when they're in pain."

Because if she weren't insensitive to the pain, there's no way she could exploit it via reality TV. Duh!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"There's two mes! There's the, 'Hey, y'all!' which is the real me...

 

...and then there's the, 'I have two photos in my hands...'"

 

I love that Tyra's chewing of the scenery extends to the fourth wall. Is all that awareness really so necessary? But you know, here are two things to that point: Tyra doesn't sound nearly that much like Eartha Kitt as her impression of herself suggests (if she did, I would like her more), and if you say, "I have two photos in my hands" dramatically, after about 130 times, it is you, girl. She sounds like one of the gay-for-pay dudes she'd furrow her brow at on her own show. And I'm all like, "Damn, girl. You suck dick for money. You know you like that! Ain't nobody twistin' your lips!" I'm speaking figuratively, of course.

And you know, why stop at Tyra's isms? This week felt particularly pearly when it came to wisdom, so here are other words that everyone would probably be smart to ignore:

Jayism of the Week

"I think the way Aminat can improve on working with her face is really learning how to use those muscles. [To Tyra] You do it all the time. It's about wiggling your ears."

Wiggling your ears! Now they're getting to the point in this show's run where they're really giving all the secrets away. Smile with your eyes and wiggle your ears and try not to look like Shrek in the process, girls! I'm gonna go out on a limb and recommend that all aspiring models roll their tongues while getting their pictures taken. I just feel like it'll accentuate the cheekbones. If you're unable to do so: sorry. That's just the way the DNA spirals!

Nigelism of the Week

"I think it's always daring when you put your armpits straight to camera."

 

She is so daring, she isn't a mere bird; homegirl is Darkwing Duck.

Also, what the fuck at Tyra playing momma bird without chewing something up to spit into the girls' mouths? Worst missed opportunity in the history. of. America's. Next. Top. Mod. El.

Paulinaism of the Week
 

"You want it too much. You are at an age that is way old for modeling. And desperation's not sexy."

First of all, I love how desperate Paulina's eyes look (see above) when she's talking about how unsexy desperation is. That's not just a case in point; it's a hole in one. Also, "You want it too much?" That goes without saying. Look where the fuck they are. On reality TV, we don't call it desperation; we call it existing.

Oh, and here are three Tyra sound files that are so awesome I don't even need to comment on them:

"You're going to be doing a lot of squatting!"

"OK? So you are a birdie owl-slash-pterodactyl."

"Whoa! Pretty girl!"

 

Actually, not commenting on these, I think, works best since they're just marvelous out of context. Confuse your non-ANTM watching friends with them! Also, I think the last could work well as a ringtone. I have it set as my phone's alarm. I wake up everyday to Tyra telling me that I'm a pretty girl. It means nothing to me.

1. Tyra, I think was taking her cues from Allison, and with good reason. This?

 

Moment of the cycle for me! Seriously, it's so awkward that I'm fully convinced that Allison went on to have her period in her Trapper Keeper immediately after leaving set. I love that Tyra called her out on trying to kiss up and I LOVE that Allison's reaction to that was, "No, I just thought I would say it." This person is an alien. I do not understand her ways, but they intrigue me so. Someone sent me an email wondering if people who read this blog and I love her so because of her similarity to Winston. I've been confounded by her giant eyes and strange behavior long enough that I feel confident by saying absofuckinglutely.

I mean, explain this:

 

Or this:

Or how about this:

 

Or her chin:

 

(Won't someone explain her chin?)

Or even this: "It was, like, something, like, I was just thinking and I accidentally said it and then I was like, 'God I'm such a square.' But...(sigh)...embarrassing!"

Seriously, someone explain her explanation to me.

If Tahlia was the worst (and if you know me, you know I don't think there's any if about that), Allison is the best. The pitiful train-wreck types that tickle me so and keep me in business aside (and there's a long line of them, obviously!), she really is the best. What a fascinating weirdo. She's up there with, like, Gonzo. I really wish that she were on VH1 so she'd be virtually guaranteed her own show after this one.

And I'm not just saying that because she painted me a picture and shit. I'm saying that because she called Tyra "very pretty." To her face. In passing. On the penultimate episode.

2. Judging by the state of her weave in recent episodes, surely this counts as parody, right?

 

I get the feeling that Christian has a REALLY good sense of humor.

Also, the fact that she can pull it all back and make it look So. Much. Better?

 

Craziest shit I've seen from her yet.

3. And on the hair tip...

 

Who the hell died and made her Chaka Khan? Aminat is more like Chaka Khan't.

And that shit about her face catching the light that they were faintly praising her about at panel?

 

Her face is catching the light and she's wincing, all "Bright light! Bright light!" Is she a Gremlin? Will I ever stop referencing anthropomorphic creatures of pop culture during this recap? The answers are yes and no: I wonder if this is what happens if you feed the models after midnight. Best to keep Allison's Mogwai-looking ass away from the mucusy chicken.

4. Guess what! It's time for a Pretty Party! And guess who's the star!

 

Think hard like Paulina and you will come up with the answer.

Hint: It's Paulina!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Granted, some of these are between-expression shots, and that's kind of cheating, but whatever. If she weren't gesticulating wildly in the first place, I never could have taken them. Plus, Spock was allowed to cheat so whatever. I am, too.

The grand marshals of this parade, by the way, are none other than these two:

 

5. This is like the picture of Dorian Gray...

 

Oh no, wait. It's just her reflection. How this woman gets down the runway without a cane or a set of those heavy duty crutches that cuff the bicep is beyond me. Maybe Celia can get a Depend endorsement? I hear the elderly loooove Ensure.

 

I'm honestly shocked that her skin didn't cave in when she wrote on herself. She's the oldest. Even the people that she's younger than she's older than. She's older than me and I've got five years on her. She's that old.

6. Second best moment of the cycle?

 

I wish that moth-bat would have actually bitten her and given her rabies. Can you imagine how far-out the photo shoot ideas would go if that were the case?

 

7. God, it's really all about Tyra this week, huh? I made this because it's very hard to convey the broken-down, two-note trombone song of defeat that is so useful:

 

I expect to link back to that a lot.

8. Only eight items this week, guys. Blame it on the -isms. Blame it on the geese of last recap. They got ya feelin' loose. Or lease. Or whatever.

Anyway, Final 3! I think the Top 2 will be Allison and Teyona with Teyona taking it, since that's been obvious since, like, the second episode. Whatever. It's a decent Final 3, considering how crappy Tahlia made the cycle (never forget that Tahlia is the enemy!). I'd loooooove it if Allison won just for the WTF? of it all. I've got my eyes peeled for an upset:

 

I know "eyes peeled for an upset" isn't a real expression and that it furthermore doesn't make any sense. But whatever. I just wanted a way to tie it all together and finish by posting that gif. Sue me.

Comments

[Cheryl]

Does Allison have a chance? I mean she's my favorite since Sheena and Asberger Heather but her walk is a little rough...even tho, sometimes Tyra doesn't only go by the walk..and she likes to repeat how much fashion is into youth and Allison's got that.

P.S. anyone living in Canada, Star channel is showing the entire season over again next Saturday before the finale.

[Jean]

I think that Celia looks more like a troll doll in that first image:
http://tinyurl.com/qp6qrz

[hillary]

Three things:
First of all, the title of this weeks blog made almost spit take. Awesome!
Second, Allison really does look like a Furby in that last gif
Third, I said that too about Aminat using the word dichotomy. I had to rewind to make sure I had heard correctly!
GREAT RECAP!!!

[Guy Deluk]

Just love Allison and her Pikmin friend, I even think Celia is a little like the White Pikmins- you know how weird and touching they can be. Well, Allison FTW even if she doesn't...

[mooshki]

She may be Justified and Ancient, but there's no way she's ever going to Mu Mu Land.

[Meg]

Ah, brilliant. Allison really is a whole lot of crazy -- I looked at her previous modeling attempts when she was Creepy Chan, and damn, that shit could give you nightmares. She's kind of endearing in her weirdness, though. But I highly doubt she'll make the final 2 -- bitch can't walk to save her life. Aminat's pictures suck (HELLOOOOO nostrils in this week's pic), but she has the better walk and the better body compared to Teyona or Allison. And it's been a long time since we've had 2 minorities in the final 2, and Tyra's all about mixing it up, race-wise. It'll be funny when Aminat and Allison are in the final 2, again - that'll probably be a record number of times in the bottom 2 in the history. of. America's. Next. Top. Model. (except I think Jade wins that title...)

[Ali]

Rich, I've laughed at your posts (usually loudly and at work) for a while now, but then you had to go and mention Chester AND Darkwing Duck!

...you're really pretty.

[Rev. Diva Schematic]

A KLF reference!
Perhaps you will like this song by Pop Incorporated, they're "Looking for the KLF"

http://www.myspace.com/popincorporated

More Winston please.

[Soylent Green is Tyra]

http://www.cwtv.com/thecw/americas-next-top-model-cycle12-poll

Allison, admittedly with the help of her 4chan buddies, has been killing the CW poll all season long (it has never been close.) I honestly can't imagine it matters whether she wins this cycle or not, she's going to go on to do crazy cool shit.

[monique]

you totally overlooked that tyra said that it was the "mathematics" of aminat's face that makes light react strangly to it. Come on, i thought that could have been an -ism, no?

[acolyte]

Love Alison. But YOU'RE so pretty.

[melanie]

you had me at chester. love you.

[darek]

Nothing about the stupidity that is Mr. J? He's going to be hosting Canada's Next Top Model (again and bleh) - hopefully more stupid Jisms.

[ellen]

Chaka Khan't.
Rich, you are perfection. (and you're really pretty, too......!) Go Team Allison.

[JGH]

That chin boggles me. When I watched the ep on youtube I rewound that shit like 50 times just marveling at it. How does it do that? Does she have like a joint in her chin? As you say, she's gifted. She really is.

"You're really pretty" followed by "No, I just thought I would say it" followed by "God, I'm such a square" is incredible. I'm speechless at the beauty of it. She is damn near proof of the existence of a benevolent god. I never thought anyone would match Anya but this puts it beyond all question. They must be introduced. We need an Allison and Anya sitcom. Or preferably channel. Or government.

You forgot to mention Tyra's most awesome moment... when she stumbled, recovered, and immediately blurted out "uh oh, keep it fierce" while striking a pose for an imaginary photographer. Given that this is Tyra, you can't be 100% sure that she's not totally serious, or hallucinating. Which makes it awesome.

Oh, also, need Celia hammertime dance, stat.

[Jean]

PS- Did anyone else notice Tyra at the White House Correspondent's dinner? Whaaaa???

[Donny B]

Chaka Khan't. Love it. I actually LOL'd (LOL-ed?) and I HATE it when people write LOL.

[karen]

Ugh. I can't stand Teyona: she's so boring! And she did the same pose this week that she always does! I almost can't bear to watch the finale. I don't know if I've been watching this show too long or if it's just become more predictable, but I've called the last 5 eliminations. I would love love love to see a surprise winner.

[jonn]

Vanessa, she means dynamic, right?

[V]

Allison is love. That is all.

[Joe]

"I wake up everyday to Tyra telling me that I'm a pretty girl. It means nothing to me."

Christ it's been such a long day for me today and that just made me laugh out loud.

Celia did not age 9 years in the 6 weeks since casting, did she? I mean, they all acted like she allowed herself to get to this age and it's disappointing. If 26 is such a fucking liability, why cast a 26 year old? I know this has been discussed ad nauseum. It just irks me.

Alison is just not pretty with that weave, I hope she ditches it 1st thing once camera's stop rolling. I don't care for Teyona model-wise. To each his own, I guess.

[jordanbaker]

DOOZERS!!!!!

seriously, though--Teyona's win has been so obvious that even I can see it, and I usually manage to go through life in a delightful little obtuse bubble of denial and unawareness.

Which means. . .it's got a be a fake-out, right? They've been pulling all our legs, right? They're not actually going to let ole' Raptor Face there win (because seriously? Celia may be 25 or 95 or whatever; Teyona still looks like her gramma).

[danielle]

I have loved Allison since day one when she walked in looking all Furby and busting out with lines like "I am fascinated by nosebleeds" <3 it!

[Suze]

Did anyone catch the comment Aminat made after she lost the samba challenge about hating that she's always the runner up instead of the winner? Puh-LEASE do not tell me that was ANTM's way of hinting that she might take this thing.
Also- I love Allison but the shot of her with her hair in a ponytail just shows how much she needs to get her hair out of her freaking face! Hair pulled back- stunning model... Hair down- marmoset.

[Erika]

Allison and Teyona will be in the final runway show. Aminat will not produce a good beauty shot (which the judges have known for the past 6 weeks...remember that awful shot of her with Ciara?) Teyona's beauty shot will be ho-hum (at best), but she'll be praised for it anyway, and Allison's pic will be the best by far and will land her in the final two, but her runway walk will be her downfall, giving Teyona the title. The end.

Then, I will watch Make Me A Supermodel, because they actually eliminate people who deserve to be eliminated.