Justified and ancient

She's old! She's old! She's the lady version of a 1,000 year-old egg (not as quite as aged as she's made out to be, but probably not fit for mass consumption). But isn't the elephant on the runway the fact that Celia's a Pikmin? I mean, isn't wheat grass that grows from her head what's really making her unmarketable?

53. Celia

 

Jay said after Celia's shoot that she looked like she was crying! Works for me! But you know what works for me better, speaking of what Celia looks like? Her uncanny resemblance to Sifl & Olly's Chester:

 

You know, come to think of it, Chester smiles with his eyes better than anyone I've ever seen on ANTM. I really hope they have a sock puppet themed shoot next cycle. The girls should be short enough that no special-sock purchase will be necessary.

The point of all this is, Celia, keep your feet on the ground, your ass in nice threads and keep reaching for those bubbles.

54. Teyona

She thought she was going to be in the Bottom 2, but she cried anyway when she wasn't. Well, at least we know there's one person who'll be surprised when Teyona wins on Wednesday.

55. Allison

 

I think this counts. I don't know. I didn't see actual tears, but I don't think Allison cries actual tears. It's probably like the stuff that flows from Sailor Moon's eyes or liquefied Doozer sticks or coconut water (since, per my unofficial bodega surveying, that's hip nowadays and I loooove it) or Jamba Juice. You know, something sweet that would be weird coming out of tear ducts.

And speaking of weird...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

(Following some babble about holding mysterious go-sees of her own and seeing some guy that looked like a tiger or some shit) "So, that's how important go-sees are to, like, work that client. Whether it's like this...

 

...or like this..."

 

Work the client how? Into a state of confusion? Into a new appreciation for mimes and their ways? Into cold, unadulterated fear when they realize they have someone who's completely unhinged standing before them? You know, I don't know shit and I'm sure half the advice I criticize on this show is actually useful (except, I'm not at all sure of that but just go with it for the sake of my diplomacy), but I can guarantee you that if you walk into a go-see doing either of the two extreme facial expressions Tyra just provided YOU WILL NOT BE HIRED. Unless said go-see is at Clown College.

Props on commitment to her role as an HBIC whose car broke down and left her stranded on the way to the day's photo shoot. Check out the grease on her hands in that first shot.

 

I was really hoping a mutant from the Brazilian backwoods was going to come out and claim her. She thinks she knows fierceness, but she knows nothing!

Also, this whole bit really underscored this show's phobia with repeating itself to the point where a simple, "Hello, welcome to my shoot," from Tyra is deemed not good enough. She's hard on these girls but most of all herself. I imagine her hitting her head against the wall of her dressing room, all, "MUST. INNOVATE. IN. REALM. OF. SALUTATIONS. 'HI.' IS. FOR. COMMONERS. AND. NORMALS. MUST. MAKE. EVERY. GREETING. THE. MOST. AMAZING. IN. THE. HISTORY. OF. AMERICA'S. NEXT. TOP. MODEL. ALWAYS."

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Because I was a model, I'm sensitive to other models when they're in pain."

Because if she weren't insensitive to the pain, there's no way she could exploit it via reality TV. Duh!

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"There's two mes! There's the, 'Hey, y'all!' which is the real me...

 

...and then there's the, 'I have two photos in my hands...'"

 

I love that Tyra's chewing of the scenery extends to the fourth wall. Is all that awareness really so necessary? But you know, here are two things to that point: Tyra doesn't sound nearly that much like Eartha Kitt as her impression of herself suggests (if she did, I would like her more), and if you say, "I have two photos in my hands" dramatically, after about 130 times, it is you, girl. She sounds like one of the gay-for-pay dudes she'd furrow her brow at on her own show. And I'm all like, "Damn, girl. You suck dick for money. You know you like that! Ain't nobody twistin' your lips!" I'm speaking figuratively, of course.

And you know, why stop at Tyra's isms? This week felt particularly pearly when it came to wisdom, so here are other words that everyone would probably be smart to ignore:

Jayism of the Week

"I think the way Aminat can improve on working with her face is really learning how to use those muscles. [To Tyra] You do it all the time. It's about wiggling your ears."

Wiggling your ears! Now they're getting to the point in this show's run where they're really giving all the secrets away. Smile with your eyes and wiggle your ears and try not to look like Shrek in the process, girls! I'm gonna go out on a limb and recommend that all aspiring models roll their tongues while getting their pictures taken. I just feel like it'll accentuate the cheekbones. If you're unable to do so: sorry. That's just the way the DNA spirals!

Nigelism of the Week

"I think it's always daring when you put your armpits straight to camera."

 

She is so daring, she isn't a mere bird; homegirl is Darkwing Duck.

Also, what the fuck at Tyra playing momma bird without chewing something up to spit into the girls' mouths? Worst missed opportunity in the history. of. America's. Next. Top. Mod. El.

Paulinaism of the Week
 

"You want it too much. You are at an age that is way old for modeling. And desperation's not sexy."

First of all, I love how desperate Paulina's eyes look (see above) when she's talking about how unsexy desperation is. That's not just a case in point; it's a hole in one. Also, "You want it too much?" That goes without saying. Look where the fuck they are. On reality TV, we don't call it desperation; we call it existing.

Oh, and here are three Tyra sound files that are so awesome I don't even need to comment on them:

"You're going to be doing a lot of squatting!"

"OK? So you are a birdie owl-slash-pterodactyl."

"Whoa! Pretty girl!"

 

Actually, not commenting on these, I think, works best since they're just marvelous out of context. Confuse your non-ANTM watching friends with them! Also, I think the last could work well as a ringtone. I have it set as my phone's alarm. I wake up everyday to Tyra telling me that I'm a pretty girl. It means nothing to me.

1. Tyra, I think was taking her cues from Allison, and with good reason. This?

 

Moment of the cycle for me! Seriously, it's so awkward that I'm fully convinced that Allison went on to have her period in her Trapper Keeper immediately after leaving set. I love that Tyra called her out on trying to kiss up and I LOVE that Allison's reaction to that was, "No, I just thought I would say it." This person is an alien. I do not understand her ways, but they intrigue me so. Someone sent me an email wondering if people who read this blog and I love her so because of her similarity to Winston. I've been confounded by her giant eyes and strange behavior long enough that I feel confident by saying absofuckinglutely.

I mean, explain this:

 

Or this:

Or how about this:

 

Or her chin:

 

(Won't someone explain her chin?)

Or even this: "It was, like, something, like, I was just thinking and I accidentally said it and then I was like, 'God I'm such a square.' But...(sigh)...embarrassing!"

Seriously, someone explain her explanation to me.

If Tahlia was the worst (and if you know me, you know I don't think there's any if about that), Allison is the best. The pitiful train-wreck types that tickle me so and keep me in business aside (and there's a long line of them, obviously!), she really is the best. What a fascinating weirdo. She's up there with, like, Gonzo. I really wish that she were on VH1 so she'd be virtually guaranteed her own show after this one.

And I'm not just saying that because she painted me a picture and shit. I'm saying that because she called Tyra "very pretty." To her face. In passing. On the penultimate episode.

2. Judging by the state of her weave in recent episodes, surely this counts as parody, right?

 

I get the feeling that Christian has a REALLY good sense of humor.

Also, the fact that she can pull it all back and make it look So. Much. Better?

 

Craziest shit I've seen from her yet.

3. And on the hair tip...

 

Who the hell died and made her Chaka Khan? Aminat is more like Chaka Khan't.

And that shit about her face catching the light that they were faintly praising her about at panel?

 

Her face is catching the light and she's wincing, all "Bright light! Bright light!" Is she a Gremlin? Will I ever stop referencing anthropomorphic creatures of pop culture during this recap? The answers are yes and no: I wonder if this is what happens if you feed the models after midnight. Best to keep Allison's Mogwai-looking ass away from the mucusy chicken.

4. Guess what! It's time for a Pretty Party! And guess who's the star!

 

Think hard like Paulina and you will come up with the answer.

Hint: It's Paulina!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Granted, some of these are between-expression shots, and that's kind of cheating, but whatever. If she weren't gesticulating wildly in the first place, I never could have taken them. Plus, Spock was allowed to cheat so whatever. I am, too.

The grand marshals of this parade, by the way, are none other than these two:

 

5. This is like the picture of Dorian Gray...

 

Oh no, wait. It's just her reflection. How this woman gets down the runway without a cane or a set of those heavy duty crutches that cuff the bicep is beyond me. Maybe Celia can get a Depend endorsement? I hear the elderly loooove Ensure.

 

I'm honestly shocked that her skin didn't cave in when she wrote on herself. She's the oldest. Even the people that she's younger than she's older than. She's older than me and I've got five years on her. She's that old.

6. Second best moment of the cycle?

 

I wish that moth-bat would have actually bitten her and given her rabies. Can you imagine how far-out the photo shoot ideas would go if that were the case?

 

7. God, it's really all about Tyra this week, huh? I made this because it's very hard to convey the broken-down, two-note trombone song of defeat that is so useful:

 

I expect to link back to that a lot.

8. Only eight items this week, guys. Blame it on the -isms. Blame it on the geese of last recap. They got ya feelin' loose. Or lease. Or whatever.

Anyway, Final 3! I think the Top 2 will be Allison and Teyona with Teyona taking it, since that's been obvious since, like, the second episode. Whatever. It's a decent Final 3, considering how crappy Tahlia made the cycle (never forget that Tahlia is the enemy!). I'd loooooove it if Allison won just for the WTF? of it all. I've got my eyes peeled for an upset:

 

I know "eyes peeled for an upset" isn't a real expression and that it furthermore doesn't make any sense. But whatever. I just wanted a way to tie it all together and finish by posting that gif. Sue me.

Comments

[Kyle-Steven]

Pikmin reference!

Teyona's fucking taking this, but I'm all about Allison right now.

[maggie]

doozer sticks. yesssssss.

[Mike]

First! ?

[Megan J]

I just about died when Allison when she said "I'm such a square." Allison=love forever.

[Satin]

On that last .gif you have up, Allison is quite striking as a model.

Great recap, Rich. Can't believe Cycle 12 (a/k/a Cycle of the Werewolf) is about over.

[Megan J]

Also, I have no ability to edit my posts. But still. Allison, call me!

[stellaprincipal]

Allison looks like a Furby in that last gif.

[TyrasSmellyCooch]

Allison FTW!

[maggie]

oh and what about that edited paulina/not-paulina samba-airspin number?

[Polo]

The best part about the moth .gif is that she doesn't respond until after it flies in front of her, not when it lands on her head. Weave must be THAT serious.

[Elsapel]

Teyona will be America's Next Top Vulcan! Seriously, what is going on with her eyebrows.

??

[lindsay]

"You are so pretty" is the best thing ever.

[LJ]

I love that Alison's eyes are so big that when she blinks her eyelids can't even reach the bottom. I seriously tried to do that in the mirror and I failed.

[RF]

DOOZERS!!!!!

I'd be pissed for being castoff for something all the judges knew about the whole cycle. Maybe Celia is too old to start out as a model, but they could have mentioned that sooner.

I still dont understand the whole short thing with Fo when Eva Pigford was an inch and a half shorter that Fo was.

[Vanessa]

Does it take like 10 years to film a cycle? Or does being on ANTM age one like being President? At any rate, I just turned 40 (yeah, I'm way too old be watching this shit) and I'd love to be as fucking ancient as Celia. That bitch has some major class to overlook all those remarks about desperation.

Aminat's picture was attrocious. But, I give her props for finally including the word "dichotomy" in a Top Model episode. As in "She {Paulina} doesn't understand the dichotomy of the friendships in the house." I think she meant demarcation maybe? And how sad that I can't tell for sure. Scientific proof this show makes us all dumber.

Finally, this week's Top Models in Action about Yaya just reminded me of how lame the pickings have been the last few years (with obvious exceptions like Allison, Celia and Sheena.) When are we going to see Jade in action btw?

[velocibadgergirl]

I gotta say, I think Celia was robbed a bit. Yeah, she's old, but Aminat sucks and has sucked for weeeeeeeks. Celia wasn't going to win, but I wish she'd at least made it past Aminat. And yeah, Allison is pretty much the best.

[jenn t.]

was it just me or was it the meanest episode of the season?

[jmjm]

Favourite part of the episode was Celia's Hammerdance in the prison jumpsuit. Almost better was Aminat's complete lack of finding that funny. C'mon, Aminat -- live a little!

[catina]

i would actually pay money to see allison take this one. okay, okay teyona is a good model, blah blah blah... but allison is downright INSPRIATIONAL in the most awkward of ways!

i would also admit that i would be totally addicted to her VH1 reality show should she get one. her choice of words and quirky everything... hell, i'd punch myself in the face so she could paint me with a bloody nose.

just two more notes to add to my prayer box.

[sarah]

ohh shit @ 'liquefied doozer sticks" & chester smiling w/ his eyes.

i missed this ep & need to see this allison stuff go down asap. thx rich! <3

[Mark]

Ok, so started watching that gay for pay thing, and Tyra said that facebook would "probably be called spacebook in the future."

SERIOUSLY.

[Jhg812]

ALLISON IS LOVE.
"Moth-bat." Ha.

[Rachael J.]

I have to say, I don't feel the need to watch ANTM with your updates! I love your commentary :)

[Penny Lane]

1. The Dorian Gray reference made me laugh loudly and inappropriately at work. Thanks a lot, Rich.

2. I am obsessed with Allison. Maybe the obvious setup for a Teyona win is setting us up for an Allison win?

[Wholahay Brown]

I wish Allison could be on every single cycle of ANTM...they should make her a judge for real...