Longness

This is the post where I comment on the ANTM winner, pre-recap. Spoiler is below. I know that's obvious, but for some people, you can never be obvious enough in regard to spoilers.

Just looking out for you since you're undoubtedly about to be very surprised.

Except not, because it was Teyona. I'd have a shot of her crying and looking like her entire body had fallen prey to the charms of a lemon, except the DVR that I have my DVD burner hooked up to decided not to tape the show. Not to worry -- I've got the rebroadcast set to go. Again: looking out for you.

But Teyona: meh. Not a surprise, although they did have me going for a minute, thinking Allison had a chance. No mean feat since I had a feeling Teyona was going to win this shit since Episode 2 or whatever.

But Teyona's victory isn't even the worst ANTM-related news of the day. You probably already know about this, but Paulina was fired, guys.

Thank god she's still awesome enough to say bitchy things about Tyra and explain what happened. This sucks because, as you may have noticed during last recap's Pretty Party, she was just hitting her stride. Unless they're bringing Janice back, this blows.

But even THAT isn't the worst news of the day. Again, you may already know this but fucking Tahlia is with fucking child.

Now she's not just the worst, she's the pregnant worst. I don't know if Judge Judy's rubbing off on me and making me feel OK about openly judging someone's life choices but WHAT A FUCKING IDIOT. She's, what? 12? She's not married. Her boyfriend, is in fact, works at a movie theater. I'm not saying that she's condemned to a terrible life (certainly, young single mothers don't need more shit slung at them) and I certainly HOPE the kid turns out OK, but god, to be basking in the cheap attention that comes from putting yourself in an insurmountably difficult situation is just so stupid. I don't care if doctors said she couldn't have kids. Now we know they were full of shit! (Score one for Tahlia's uterus!) Homegirl needs to 20 years or however long it takes her to stop being emotionally fetal. I know that this girl is just looking for love, but I think embarking on that search at one's vaginal opening is so so foolish. Maybe that's just me.

But hey, at least she gave me something to bitch about. I couldn't even get that worked up about the finale. In a funny way, Tahlia wins!

[Thanks to all who sent the Paulina and Tahlia news in! I want to have your scarred babies.]

Comments

[suz]

allison is the top model of my heart

[jim]

she couldnt conceive because of her scars! wtf!

[Ariana]

Fuck tahlia

OMG Those bastards making us believe that Allison might win.

[triya]

color me not suprised! I hate the show for making it seem like allison was going to win. but Tahlia having a baby is just something I can't even wrap my mind about. I mean I totally saw Paulina being fired just because she keeps on disagreeing with Ty and we all know how that worked out for the others(Janice and Twiggy). Tahlia being pregnant is just WOW... but whatever I'm going to say CONGRATULATIONS to Tahlia and her baby and to TEYONA for being Tyra's new pet!

[Steele]

I didn't even watch, that's how much I care.
I'm over this show, your recaps are the only thing that keep me somewhat interested in it.

[christy]

Maybe they fired Paulina to make room to break out Sutan. He's been much more visible lately.

[Sara]

I'm so disappointed. I was really pulling for Allison...and especially after the high praise that accompanied her walk in Brazil, they made it seem like she had a chance.

Whatever. I hope Allison finds success =]

[Wade]

Darwin's dust blows around in his grave as natural selection fails us again.

[FUCKYOUTYRA]

Oh god now were gonna have to see windface for a whole cycle doing walmart shit.

[LisaL]

Yep, very obvious that Teyona was going to win since well... pretty damn early in the season.
I dunno who they think they were trying to fool, but everyone already knew who was going to win it.

I don't think Allison will have any problems getting work though if she decides to pursue modelling more. She has such a unique look, if she just works on that walk some more, she'd be perfect.

[Emmy]

I looooved Alison....I think that she'll be better off not winning and not under the Tyra-nnical thumb and those STUPID cover girl commercials...

[m]

I like how disgusted Celia initially looks with the announcement before realizing she'd better look happy and clap.

And I'm pretty sure the doctors thinking she could never conceive meant that she was so hideously scarred nobody would ever want to have sex with her.

Allison could be huge in Japan.

[Michael]

Allison win's my heart... I realize this was already said, but she is awesome enough to justify someone else posting it.

[Michael]

"Allison, Don't go there!"

Allison: "... don't go where? where am I going?"

<3 her

[Charlotte]

The only silver lining to this meh-and-predictable outcome is that Allison will probably have a much much better actual career now than if she won. which is GRAND. She might be one of my favorite contestants ever, esp. because her quirkiness seemed totally uncontrived.

and truly, unless janice comes back, i can't be happy about paulina leaving. is tyra going to get another "the camera loves you" spewer with no real advice to give? tyra tyra tyra. you frickin' egomaniac.

re: tahlia, i'm going to have to ignore this pregnancy crap. i can't even process or my eyes will roll fully out of my head. it was the inexplicable and consistent praise of her pictures that lead me to seriously think i was too high to get what was being said. i mean, really - she's ordinary and the scars just make her someone who had a tragic incident as a child, not a model. it makes me want to go watch 'make me a supermodel' instead. for shizz.

[Lucy Robinson]

I was watching this with someone who had never seen ANTM before, and they were like "Did she just say that the model had a 'longness'? What does that even mean?"

What does that even mean, indeed.

<3 U Allison

[Angela]

I don't really get why Tyra would choose to continually make the winner the one with the least air time... I think the winner would certainly be more successful than past winners if people actually knew who the F she was. Teyona was on the screen more in this episode than all the other episodes combined. No one gives a F about her. Or maybe Tyra's doing the runner-up a favor...the winner is clearly not going to get ahead with a 1-year CoverGirl contract...wasting a year of their precious youth to never be seen except during ANTM commercials... At least Allison can get real work now.

Btw, why didn't any of the judges say anything about Teyona's HORRIBLE posture or the fact that her thighs were so jiggly while she walked or that she's more boring than Katarzyna?

PS Who is the girl behind Scarslut?

[Magali]

...$5 says that she is pregnant because she was like "well, my doctors said I couldn't have a kid--NO PROTECTION = WIN!"

I would think she could conceive just fine, but that her scars would make stretching nearly impossible.

I'm thinking way too hard about this--FAIL.

[Kristy]

It shoulda been Allison.

<3 her!

[V]

Allison is the top model of my heart.

"Good job, Teyona." <3

[Kate]

Angela - that's Isabella ... the epilepsy girl who lasted about fifteen seconds

[everlasting concubine]

I didn't see the show, so I'm just going to imagine that Allison wins.

At the fashion show, she's so nervous she accidentally walks into the side of a mirror. But she's on, she can't stop. The pain makes her forget about her nerves, and she stomps the runway ferociously with blood trickling from her nose. The crowd goes wild.

Later, as Tyra is about to announce Teyona the winner(because it was so ordained from the beginning, doncha know) who should bust through the skylight but ZOB herself. Zob glares at Tyra, whose weave turns into a litter of kittens. Ms. Jay's bowtie starts spinning furiously and slapping him in the face. Nigel passionately kisses Mr. Jay.
ZOB summons Paulina to her right hand, and Sutan to her left. They are to be her witnesses. ZOB decrees, in a voice that only the fierce can withstand, "ALLISON HARVARD. I HEREBY DECLARE YOU AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL FOR ALL TIME." Allison's weave turns into smooth, flowing silken locks. ZOB, smiling with her eyes, slowly raises her hand and the newly Annointed One levitates, hovering a few feet above the ground. Allison's eyes, of course, smile back.

And Teyona backs slowly out of the room, saying "Ooookay. I'll just go wait in the other room."

[Britni]

Dude, you totally realize that doctors told Tahlia that she couldn't have kids, so she had sex sans condom because she's 18 and smart like that. Then she got pregnant, and OH SHIT. For some unknown reason, she decided not to abort this surprise child, and now her and her high school boyfriend, who she describes herself as "having problems with after the show, then I found out I was pregnant," are "ecstatic" to be having a child together.

Bitch, you thought you couldn't get knocked up so you went bareback. Then, surprise! You go pregnant. And then you and your dead end high school boyfriend made the dumbest decision ever and decided to have a kid when you guys were both 18.

Congrats!

[Mon]

Allison did so much better than Teyona.. photoshoots, commercial, her catwalk was great so WTF?????

[famousamy]

Did you see the announcement about Nous Model Managment picking two ANTMers to be signed? If not, you'll want to check it out here: http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/2009/05/top_model_runner_ups_singed_wi.php