Win in the face

For the sake of end-of-cycle summary, I believe that no one screen shot says more than this:

56. Teyona

 

Get ready for a lesson in milking it.

57. Teyona

 

Thank god milking it in this case has nothing to do with eye udders.

58. Teyona

 

Although, that would have been interesting, now that I think about it.

59. Teyona

 

But whatever, at least we got a gif out of this episode-long tantrum. Here, Teyona looks like she's cleaning herself. Funny, I would have expected some woodland-creature-esque behavior more from Allison.

Also from the same cry:

 

LOLeyethangs!

60. Teyona

 

OK WE GET IT, YOU'RE IN IT TO WIN IT LIKE MARKY MARK!!!!

61. Aminat

 

I love the implied narcissism in taking elimination from this show show hard. It makes me feel justified in my path of ridicule.

62. Aminat

 

You know, if Aminat really wanted it, she would have dug into her face, pulled her tendons manually and (to rip off Jay Manuel ripping off Tim Gunn, which he does a million times in an ANTM cycle finale especially this one) made it work.

63. Teyona

 

Oh yay she won boo-hoo hoo hoo hoo cares.

64. Teyona

 

And what a winner she is!

As with every cycle, I have a spreadsheet revealing which girl cried the most in the time she was on the show via my boy Toho. Because, let's be honest, everyone's reading this blog for the data, right?

Click to enlarge...and expand your mind. Fo No. 1? Who would have guessed? And to think that she once regarded herself as a total loser!

And now, wisdom to last a summer, or perhaps not even until the end of this post. This is all what you make it, guys.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"When you mess up, you have to cover as if you're not messing up. So this is a brand that is happy and free and bubbly. So when you mess up, it would almost be better to go, 'Whoooo!' as opposed to...

 

'...You just started doing the shake.'"

Yeah, I mean, I guess a happy, bubbly lunatic is preferable to a nervous one. Less chance of smelling like urine. (Though if you're the explosive "Whooo!" type, there's probably a greater chance of smelling like feces. Trade off.)

All that is to say: in it for the gif opportunity. What would the point of Tyra be without gifs, you know?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"It should be: 'Haaa. It's a stain. It's not a this. It's a this. It's a that.' That's how human beings talk."

I love that an alien is trying to tell us how human beings talk. THE CRACKS ARE SHOWING, E.Ty! I mean, really, listening to this makes me think that she doesn't listen to human beings talk anymore. I guess she's too busy listening to herself? Not that I'm one to judge anyone for listening to Tyra too much...

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Aminat, you have got to master that face. Right now, you have Novocaine in the places that it shouldn't be! The only place your face should feel like Novocaine is around the lips. But every thing else needs to be tension and strong. OK? OK."

I think my favorite recent addition to the elimination format is the parting advice portion of the show. Before you go, here's a new concept: Novocaine around the lips with no further explanation. Just do it. Figure it out and do it. Even though the shock of defeat effectively shot Novocaine around your brain, do it. You'll be famous. You'll be the next great Novacaine mouth in fashion. Try it, you'll like it. It's bubblegum-flavored. Just do it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"I'm gonna send you in the back to get nervous, and when I call you back, I will announce who is America's Next Top Model."

Not that we needed it, but here's confirmation of her sadism. Not, "I'm gonna send you in the back because we have to talk about you in ways that even the most heartless bitch on this panel (i.e. me) couldn't bring ourselves to if you were here," or, "I'm gonna send you in the back 'cause my I.B.S., is bad today and you're too young to desecrate with my funk," or, "I'm gonna send you in the back 'cause Mommy and Daddy and Nigel and Paulina need to touch each other's privates with our mouths." The whole point of getting the girls out: another intimidation tactic. Beautiful.

And these aren't -isms, but while I'm on topic of Tyra and the evil that resides in her heart, let's examine how it manifests itself on her person:

 

This is good, but just a few judging-portion-of-our-show-style tweaks would make it perfect.

 

So easy. And I don't know anything about fashion, either. This is just common sense people.

Or how 'bout the second elimination round?

 

Like Allison in her CoverGirl commercial, she's almost there.

 

Much better. I think if you're gonna go Satan, you need to go full Satan. But maybe that's just me.

 

And there she goes, fanning the flames of hell.

You know, I'm not even going to do numbered points this time around. I'm going to take my usual premiere tactic and just go through everybody on this show that I have something to say about and that will be that. It's been a long cycle. I'm tired. I'm starting with the one I'm gonna miss the most.

Allison

 

Look at the childlike glee (and by "glee" I mean "smooshy hand") that comes when you call her name first! It's the little things, you know?

I think I'll miss her as much as the deserts miss the rain. And by "deserts," I mean, "her weave."

I think her weave has performed so well to make up for the lackluster nature of this cycle. In this shot, she looks like Alli the Kid. I bet she hooks up with some girl who works at a diner with eyes that shift back and forth rapidly per some condition or another and that she reveals to that girl's stepfather that her favorite type of movies is slasher movies within minutes of meeting him. Just a hunch, though.

God, this girl is a fountain of awesome up until the very end. Look how not excited she was to get the CoverGirl scripts:

She was like, "We gotta film a commercial? That's bullscript."

I love that she overcame that and delivered a surprisingly competent commercial. Same with her runway walk, which was way better than it should have been. She really got in there and dug in the poop...

 

 

...err, make the diarrhea, if you will.

I love that she saw Tyra for the demon that she is backstage of the fashion show.

 

Who wouldn't be frightened, you know?

But finally, what I love most about Allison this episode and Allison in general was the way her character arc played out:

 

"I've gotten over feeling lame," she told us and then made the face above, probably because she realized how lame that sounded. I was going to take that and Photoshop it on a hypothetical book (Conquering Lame, perhaps), but then I thought fuck it: you can't improve upon perfection. Love. This. Girl.

Aminat

I cannot say the same for Aminat, but I did like her a little bit more each week. If only a cycle were 5,000 episodes long, I'd finally be able to say, "Yay, Aminat." I did enjoy that when Jay asked her how she was on the set of the CoverGirl commercial, she responded, "I'm fabulous!" It made me think that instead of taking her act here, she should have slummed it over on RuPaul's Drag Race. She could have shown them that she is realer than realness.

I like how she took out her aggression on Allison as she was leaving. Not because I want to see Allison get hurt, I just like ridiculous aggression, that's all.

Also?

 

 

Her CoverGirl shot was the best. Sorry, it was. I mean, Teyona's was great as it led to Tyra's smile-with-your-eyes-gasm, but Aminat's is the only one that's around-the-way in the manner acceptable for CoverGirl. Teyona's is around-the-way in the manner that "way" means "one of Saturn's rings."

So yeah, I don't think Aminat should take this too hard. At the very least, it was all worth it to get that damn fake afro removed from her head. That's so clearly the truth that I feel comfortable saying it on her behalf.

Teyona

As for Teyona, what is there to say about Teyona besides, "What is there to say?"

It was funny when she flailed during her CoverGirl commercial. I assume when she flails in the modeling industry, it will be infinitely less amusing. If she wants to make it more amusing, I suggest modeling wigs.

McKey

 

Again, I suggest modeling wigs.

Mr. Jay

Ooh, girl! For a second I confused you for Tyra! The second before that, I confused you for a tangerine with a tuft mold on the top!

 

"Anyone touches me, I'mma beat you!" he said to the shit-smeared models. I can't figure out which punctuates that sentence in a more menacing way: the flight-of-fancy trilling "Whoo!" that concludes it, or the Miami-tight Mr. Furley shirt he's rocking when he says it. Luckily, I have the whole summer to figure it out.

Miss J

 

I knew it would be stupid, but somehow, I didn't realize how stupid. Bravo, J, for raising the bar in gimmickry beyond what I thought this show was capable of. Bra. Vo.

Sutan

 

I hope Sutan got pregnant as a result of this. Can you imagine the awesome babies?

Slama

 

OK, so it was totally wrong of me but when I saw him, all I could think was, "Ew. Molester pattern baldness." That his name is but letters away from being "Salami" does not help. But then when he said in reference to our girlish, youthful Allison of all people that, "I feel also a little bit sex. A little bit more sexy. You know?" he confirmed my suspicions. I'll never second guess the impulse to stereotype again!

Thanks Slama, or should I say, Slam Her, which is what your name is trying to say, you perv!

I have nothing to say about Nigel or Paulina, since he's boring and I've already said enough about her. I'm sure you've already emailed me this saying, "I'm sure you've gotten a million emails about this..." but just to cover all bases, you should also read her TV Guide interview, which includes this bit of hilarity: "Go to Top Model only if you don’t want to be a model. These girls want to be models so desperately. And the fact is the show is not even looking for fashion models. They’re looking for personalities. It’s a Cinderella story. But [many of] the girls who succeed on the show won’t succeed [in the industry] because they’re not models. I have become friends with some of the models on the show and they actually have lost jobs when it came out that they were on America’s Next Top Model, because the fashion industry will not touch those girls with a ten foot pole."

Cute, right? 

We end where we began, and where we'll undoubtedly begin and end at again and again until we're very, very old and our weakened fingers are curled and gnarled into some carpal tunnel k-hole:

 

Just in case you forgot what this show is really about.

And just in case you forgot after she said that, there was this:

 

Getting up in the camera's face right before the credits roll. It's not the best ending, but it is by far the most appropriate one.

Hey thanks for reading. I know that now is the time when many people start checking in these parts of the Internet. That's fine. I'm not here to make friends. However, if you're into ANTM, you may want to check back in at fourfour later this week. I'll have something special up that I promise will be be illuminating, among things.

If not, whatever. Have a great fucking summer. I hope you don't get eaten by a shark.

Comments

[me]

I'm glad Allison didn't win. She's too cool for ATNM and their lame My Life As A Cover Girl commericals. Good for her for not winning future awkward guest spots on ANTM (McKey I'm talking about you!) and having Her ad up in Walmart.

Seeing Allison's Ad up in Walmart would have made me love her a little less.

[Carolyn]

I come for the top model recaps, I stay for the awesomeness that is this site in general.

[Joe]

Great recap season, yet again. It was a week cycle. overall. Of course Paulina is right - it's all about personalities on ANTM and to that end - get better personalities, Tyra. Allison was great, but I prefer my ANTM models with huge egos mixed with a severe case of the deludeds. Jade was fucking gold. GOLD.

[Nick]

I LOVED BILLY THE KID!!!!!!!!!!!!

[barbara]

I'm just upset that allison didn't get her run-in with a nose bleed.

[Lola]

You made this cycle worthwhile. You and Allison. She has a spot in my heart along with Danielle and Jade.

[nene]

amazing job. thank you, thank you, thank you for brightening my days :)

[Kristi]

Thank you, Rich. You're so great to recap this silly show for us. Glad things are going well for you.

[Dara]

Hey, Rich!! You are on my toolbar, honey!! I adore it all. Thank you for being you.

I need more Jersey Shore road trips to strip malls....just saying.

xoxoxoxo,
Dara

[Dara]

I love four four. Everything about it. Thank you.

Can I have some more Jersey shore road trip stuff about strip malls? Please? Oh, and a video interview with Allison? Yes? Yes!!

[Dara]

okay, I'll stop now....

[Anna]

Rich, you frequently make my Tuesdays, so thank you. Nigel Barker was on New Zealand's Next Top Model this week and I thought of you, especially when he got handsy with the contestants.

[BoozeInMyBlood[Faith]]

aww Rich, I hope you dont get eaten by a shark either. Thanks, once again for entertaining me and following another cycle of antm.

[K]

Thanks for another fab cycle of recaps, Rich. You're like, really pretty.

[vladimirnabokov]

joanie models wigs = AMAZING!!!!!!

i will miss monday antm blogs!

thank you rich

[vladimirnabokov]

i think tyra plans to grow and expand until she's the size of king kong. she will start by walking down 57th street nyc and stare at that mona lisa painted on the side of the lee's art shop, about 6 stories tall, and roar at mona to "smile with your eyes, waah wahhhh" and then grab people off the street and eat them in one bite. she will never stop. she will never be satisfied.

[Vanessa]

So, I watched the bit about Aminat's elimination and actually thought she was robbed which I never ever expected to feel. I mean, good picture right? Much better on the commercial than Teyona, right? I'm so glad you were my sanity check on this.

I watched the cycle one marathon yesterday (I feel I must add in my defense I have a recently diagnosed bone spur in my heel and am temporarily somewhat couch bound.) And it made me remember why I used to like the show. Tyra is so much more subdued. She speaks, uhm, well like humans speak only really this time. The judging is an actual conversation and not snark and nonsense and Miss Jay making bird sounds--and that was when fucking Janice Dickinson was on the panel. Ty seemed to actually care about the girls, sort of. Did the talk show cause the supernova ego explosion that pushed the show into mean-spirited camp and mockery?

Finally, the Paulina TVG interview was gold.

[Vanessa]

Also, I second Amanda. Please let the illuminating secret be an interview with the Allison. But it sounds intriguing regardless. And just think back on the day when your closest contact with the ANTM-verse was running into C3's Ann on the subway (which is still really awesome.)

[Lea]

Oh Paulina - I really started to dislike her, but after reading that interview, now I want to be her best friend forever! Although I have to disagree with her - and hopefully I'm not jinxing anything - but I think Allison really does have a shot at being a working model. Maybe not a "top model" but I am sure she'll get plenty of jobs. Especially since she somehow turned into a great walker! She looked so good on the runway, even in the poo - she was hot! And I'm not even a coprophile!

I am a year-round visitor, Rich, because how on Earth could I live without Winston pics???

[NotOkay]

thank you Rich my blogger bitch!

[3ya]

Great job rich! And can I just say why the hell did mckey win??? Anyway Sutan and Allison's babies would be totally awesome. I can just picture in my head Sutan giving birth! XD Also Have a great F-ing SUMMER! This is funny because summer here is just about to end! LMAOF

[Bobbie]

Thanks, Rich!

[Dainty]

^+1... When I saw McKey I couldn't believe I was on her team to win last season....

I really didn't get how Teyona butchered her commercial and wasn't eliminated or at least slaughtered. And her CG pic was not all that to me... the photoshopping for her hairline was so obvious. I beleive Aminat's pic and ad were the best... What was Ty's reason for sending her home again??

[Kiya]

I love you during the summer, I do. And your little kitties, too.

[lisa]

ANTM is a reality show that is purely for entertainment purposes only {that and to feed tyra's ginormous ego]. It is definately not to produce top models. That is why I love you Rich,you get it. You are also supremely much more entertaining.