Win in the face

For the sake of end-of-cycle summary, I believe that no one screen shot says more than this:

56. Teyona

 

Get ready for a lesson in milking it.

57. Teyona

 

Thank god milking it in this case has nothing to do with eye udders.

58. Teyona

 

Although, that would have been interesting, now that I think about it.

59. Teyona

 

But whatever, at least we got a gif out of this episode-long tantrum. Here, Teyona looks like she's cleaning herself. Funny, I would have expected some woodland-creature-esque behavior more from Allison.

Also from the same cry:

 

LOLeyethangs!

60. Teyona

 

OK WE GET IT, YOU'RE IN IT TO WIN IT LIKE MARKY MARK!!!!

61. Aminat

 

I love the implied narcissism in taking elimination from this show show hard. It makes me feel justified in my path of ridicule.

62. Aminat

 

You know, if Aminat really wanted it, she would have dug into her face, pulled her tendons manually and (to rip off Jay Manuel ripping off Tim Gunn, which he does a million times in an ANTM cycle finale especially this one) made it work.

63. Teyona

 

Oh yay she won boo-hoo hoo hoo hoo cares.

64. Teyona

 

And what a winner she is!

As with every cycle, I have a spreadsheet revealing which girl cried the most in the time she was on the show via my boy Toho. Because, let's be honest, everyone's reading this blog for the data, right?

Click to enlarge...and expand your mind. Fo No. 1? Who would have guessed? And to think that she once regarded herself as a total loser!

And now, wisdom to last a summer, or perhaps not even until the end of this post. This is all what you make it, guys.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"When you mess up, you have to cover as if you're not messing up. So this is a brand that is happy and free and bubbly. So when you mess up, it would almost be better to go, 'Whoooo!' as opposed to...

 

'...You just started doing the shake.'"

Yeah, I mean, I guess a happy, bubbly lunatic is preferable to a nervous one. Less chance of smelling like urine. (Though if you're the explosive "Whooo!" type, there's probably a greater chance of smelling like feces. Trade off.)

All that is to say: in it for the gif opportunity. What would the point of Tyra be without gifs, you know?

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"It should be: 'Haaa. It's a stain. It's not a this. It's a this. It's a that.' That's how human beings talk."

I love that an alien is trying to tell us how human beings talk. THE CRACKS ARE SHOWING, E.Ty! I mean, really, listening to this makes me think that she doesn't listen to human beings talk anymore. I guess she's too busy listening to herself? Not that I'm one to judge anyone for listening to Tyra too much...

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Aminat, you have got to master that face. Right now, you have Novocaine in the places that it shouldn't be! The only place your face should feel like Novocaine is around the lips. But every thing else needs to be tension and strong. OK? OK."

I think my favorite recent addition to the elimination format is the parting advice portion of the show. Before you go, here's a new concept: Novocaine around the lips with no further explanation. Just do it. Figure it out and do it. Even though the shock of defeat effectively shot Novocaine around your brain, do it. You'll be famous. You'll be the next great Novacaine mouth in fashion. Try it, you'll like it. It's bubblegum-flavored. Just do it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"I'm gonna send you in the back to get nervous, and when I call you back, I will announce who is America's Next Top Model."

Not that we needed it, but here's confirmation of her sadism. Not, "I'm gonna send you in the back because we have to talk about you in ways that even the most heartless bitch on this panel (i.e. me) couldn't bring ourselves to if you were here," or, "I'm gonna send you in the back 'cause my I.B.S., is bad today and you're too young to desecrate with my funk," or, "I'm gonna send you in the back 'cause Mommy and Daddy and Nigel and Paulina need to touch each other's privates with our mouths." The whole point of getting the girls out: another intimidation tactic. Beautiful.

And these aren't -isms, but while I'm on topic of Tyra and the evil that resides in her heart, let's examine how it manifests itself on her person:

 

This is good, but just a few judging-portion-of-our-show-style tweaks would make it perfect.

 

So easy. And I don't know anything about fashion, either. This is just common sense people.

Or how 'bout the second elimination round?

 

Like Allison in her CoverGirl commercial, she's almost there.

 

Much better. I think if you're gonna go Satan, you need to go full Satan. But maybe that's just me.

 

And there she goes, fanning the flames of hell.

You know, I'm not even going to do numbered points this time around. I'm going to take my usual premiere tactic and just go through everybody on this show that I have something to say about and that will be that. It's been a long cycle. I'm tired. I'm starting with the one I'm gonna miss the most.

Allison

 

Look at the childlike glee (and by "glee" I mean "smooshy hand") that comes when you call her name first! It's the little things, you know?

I think I'll miss her as much as the deserts miss the rain. And by "deserts," I mean, "her weave."

I think her weave has performed so well to make up for the lackluster nature of this cycle. In this shot, she looks like Alli the Kid. I bet she hooks up with some girl who works at a diner with eyes that shift back and forth rapidly per some condition or another and that she reveals to that girl's stepfather that her favorite type of movies is slasher movies within minutes of meeting him. Just a hunch, though.

God, this girl is a fountain of awesome up until the very end. Look how not excited she was to get the CoverGirl scripts:

She was like, "We gotta film a commercial? That's bullscript."

I love that she overcame that and delivered a surprisingly competent commercial. Same with her runway walk, which was way better than it should have been. She really got in there and dug in the poop...

 

 

...err, make the diarrhea, if you will.

I love that she saw Tyra for the demon that she is backstage of the fashion show.

 

Who wouldn't be frightened, you know?

But finally, what I love most about Allison this episode and Allison in general was the way her character arc played out:

 

"I've gotten over feeling lame," she told us and then made the face above, probably because she realized how lame that sounded. I was going to take that and Photoshop it on a hypothetical book (Conquering Lame, perhaps), but then I thought fuck it: you can't improve upon perfection. Love. This. Girl.

Aminat

I cannot say the same for Aminat, but I did like her a little bit more each week. If only a cycle were 5,000 episodes long, I'd finally be able to say, "Yay, Aminat." I did enjoy that when Jay asked her how she was on the set of the CoverGirl commercial, she responded, "I'm fabulous!" It made me think that instead of taking her act here, she should have slummed it over on RuPaul's Drag Race. She could have shown them that she is realer than realness.

I like how she took out her aggression on Allison as she was leaving. Not because I want to see Allison get hurt, I just like ridiculous aggression, that's all.

Also?

 

 

Her CoverGirl shot was the best. Sorry, it was. I mean, Teyona's was great as it led to Tyra's smile-with-your-eyes-gasm, but Aminat's is the only one that's around-the-way in the manner acceptable for CoverGirl. Teyona's is around-the-way in the manner that "way" means "one of Saturn's rings."

So yeah, I don't think Aminat should take this too hard. At the very least, it was all worth it to get that damn fake afro removed from her head. That's so clearly the truth that I feel comfortable saying it on her behalf.

Teyona

As for Teyona, what is there to say about Teyona besides, "What is there to say?"

It was funny when she flailed during her CoverGirl commercial. I assume when she flails in the modeling industry, it will be infinitely less amusing. If she wants to make it more amusing, I suggest modeling wigs.

McKey

 

Again, I suggest modeling wigs.

Mr. Jay

Ooh, girl! For a second I confused you for Tyra! The second before that, I confused you for a tangerine with a tuft mold on the top!

 

"Anyone touches me, I'mma beat you!" he said to the shit-smeared models. I can't figure out which punctuates that sentence in a more menacing way: the flight-of-fancy trilling "Whoo!" that concludes it, or the Miami-tight Mr. Furley shirt he's rocking when he says it. Luckily, I have the whole summer to figure it out.

Miss J

 

I knew it would be stupid, but somehow, I didn't realize how stupid. Bravo, J, for raising the bar in gimmickry beyond what I thought this show was capable of. Bra. Vo.

Sutan

 

I hope Sutan got pregnant as a result of this. Can you imagine the awesome babies?

Slama

 

OK, so it was totally wrong of me but when I saw him, all I could think was, "Ew. Molester pattern baldness." That his name is but letters away from being "Salami" does not help. But then when he said in reference to our girlish, youthful Allison of all people that, "I feel also a little bit sex. A little bit more sexy. You know?" he confirmed my suspicions. I'll never second guess the impulse to stereotype again!

Thanks Slama, or should I say, Slam Her, which is what your name is trying to say, you perv!

I have nothing to say about Nigel or Paulina, since he's boring and I've already said enough about her. I'm sure you've already emailed me this saying, "I'm sure you've gotten a million emails about this..." but just to cover all bases, you should also read her TV Guide interview, which includes this bit of hilarity: "Go to Top Model only if you don’t want to be a model. These girls want to be models so desperately. And the fact is the show is not even looking for fashion models. They’re looking for personalities. It’s a Cinderella story. But [many of] the girls who succeed on the show won’t succeed [in the industry] because they’re not models. I have become friends with some of the models on the show and they actually have lost jobs when it came out that they were on America’s Next Top Model, because the fashion industry will not touch those girls with a ten foot pole."

Cute, right? 

We end where we began, and where we'll undoubtedly begin and end at again and again until we're very, very old and our weakened fingers are curled and gnarled into some carpal tunnel k-hole:

 

Just in case you forgot what this show is really about.

And just in case you forgot after she said that, there was this:

 

Getting up in the camera's face right before the credits roll. It's not the best ending, but it is by far the most appropriate one.

Hey thanks for reading. I know that now is the time when many people start checking in these parts of the Internet. That's fine. I'm not here to make friends. However, if you're into ANTM, you may want to check back in at fourfour later this week. I'll have something special up that I promise will be be illuminating, among things.

If not, whatever. Have a great fucking summer. I hope you don't get eaten by a shark.

Comments

[Elle]

MPB is definitely working its way into every conversation I have with anyone from here on out.

Your recaps are the only reason I still watch this show.

[Fo Fan]

Aww, I liked Aminat's CG picture best as well. She looks really pleasant and approachable there. Allison looks uncomfortable and Teyona looks like an Akira Toriyama character.

[V]

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=220412968915#ht_500wt_1182

Winston prints are being sold! :)

[chesty]

Rich,
I feel so bad for Joanie. Like, really bad.

Love,
Chesty

[imdone]

Thank you for recapping the season. It wouldn't have been half of what it was without you.

I will miss it, but I won't miss that finale. Having to look at Teyona's half bald head strain to support that ponytail made my own head hurt.

[Monica]

Oh Rich...way to incorporate that whole "I'm not here to make friends" bit...
I'm sad its over because your recaps always made me laugh out loud at the way ANTM takes itself way too seriously. But I come back for the Winston updates. I loves me some Winnie...he's such a diva.

[Mike]

Congratulations on another amazing cycle of recaps!

[chriso]

I was just glad that Teyona won so Allison would have a chance at an actual career. Let Ms. Windy Face fade into obscurity instead!

[M]

Thanks Rich! Your recaps made this cycle so much more bearable. I sure hope Winston appreciates all your hard work for us!

[kiwimusume]

Paulina = awesome with a serving of low-fat awesome sauce. That is all.

[spazmo]

As always: breezy, beautiful, and brutally honest final ep recap. This was a cycle that actually grew on me, and you kept pace with this strangely endearing fuckery like you were reading my mind (if I were brilliant).

I can't imagine what you've got in store for us ANTM-wise later this week, but I'm literally shitting my pants with excitement. (IBS peeps represent!) Unless it's an Allison interview, in which case my nose is bleeding in anticipatory glee.

[Danielle]

This show discriminates against introverts when the judges give it to Teyona because they think she wants it more. She just wanted it louder. Allison, you made tv fun for a while.

[Noah]

Allison's fashion show styling made her look like Nomi right before she went over to Andrew Carver and kicked the shit out of him.

[heidi]

Teona looks like a demon, she would be perfect in horror movies...this is a compliment!

[Cheryl]

Great recap, even if this season was pretty boring you always make up for it! I think Elyse was smart to go overseas before Top Model spread over there, gave her a better chance at a real career.

Happy summer to you, your bf, Rudy and of course Winston!

[Vicki]

Did anyone else notice that McKey's face seems to be even more lopsided than it was last season? It's like she is in a Dali painting.

[Terri Strange]

Egads! Teyona looks like a barbie doll with the terrible fake pony tail.
I don't mean that in a good way either.

[carole]

Rich, you lured me in with ANTM, you captivated me with Winston, you expand my pop culture horizons with Coko's nails and Little Edie, but I drop in looking for the brilliance that was the subway bag lady. Please, more random crazies!

I'm hoping for an interview with Allison as well. <3 her. Please hook her up with Elyse. Oh, and the screen cap of McKey caught everything I found annoying about her in one magic caricature. Beautiful.

[Seishin]

I think Tyra in the second elimination looked more like the Cowardly Lion with that crazy wig. XD

[Sonny_Amou]

After Miss Jay took off that last tie about 20 clowns jumped out from under it. Rodeo's down the hall, boyo.

I don't get it. Flub the commercial and still win? Really? Isn't this what sank Analeigh from last season. Um...yo?

[raymi]

you are so loved!

[dw]

i love your blog and your winston

[White Chocolate]

Thanks for the memories. I have stopped watching ANTM much of the time, but I NEVER EVER miss a recap, or anything else FourFour related. :)

[Laynie]

Rich, not only do I love your ANTM recaps (even when I don't actually watch the show. Yes. I just said you're more entertaining than ANTM. Go you!), but I adore your kitties. I read all the time, not just when you're recapping.

I have to admit, I prefer non-ATNM time, because I feel like there's a better chance of Winston vids. I love Winnie more than I love cheese, and I do so love cheese!

[cory]

Rich, I read every post. Your morbid fascination with all things pop makes my heart sing and dance. Even when I'm not interested in the topic, I read your posts for your amazing jewels of modern wisdom. Thank you for the laughs.