Fake as my fake boobs

If you missed last night's premiere of the second season of Paris Hilton's My New BFF...

 

...you obviously missed a lot. I mean, glitter sprang forth from her head, like she's some sort of fruity Zeus.

Actually, that's exactly what she is.

"X is my crack," is an overused phrase, but it truly describes my relationship to Paris Hilton's My New BFF. If ANTM is like weed, mind-expanding in its brainlessness, BFF is clearly bad for me and possibly destructive but I just can't get enough. I was seriously piddling in anticipation of last night's premiere and...eh. I mean, there was enough ridiculousness for a blog post certainly, but I'm not sure if we'll get anything as epic as Bikini Corrie's "Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful" rewrite or anything as inexplicably dim as Lauren asking, "What's a frenforme?" after Paris asked Onch, "Do you think she'd make a good friend for me?" Ah, good times. That's the kind of stuff I want to melt my brain to.

Basically, my fear is that this season is going to be a Rock of Love 2, an overall disappointment with characters that pale in comparison to last season's. No one truly popped out on last night's BFF Season 2 premiere, save Rachel, who looked like a mix of Lady Ga Ga and Victoria Gotti (Victoria Ga Ga?)...

 

...talked about her recession-friendly feces...

 

 

 

...ate shit...

 

...drew pictures (during an introductory round Show and Tell) of Abe Lincoln ("Because I'm honest"), a tombstone (because she wants to be with her friends till death) and bloodshot eyes (to show, "how I'm willing to stay up with my friends")...

 

...and then was eliminated from the competition after a tiger groused at her touch...

 

OK, so in describing all of that, I realized how awesome this show is. I mean, it sucks that Rachel is gone but the series really is committed to the art of insipid.

Of course, it would have to be, considering the sun in this dullard system.

 

I know that not everyone can relate, but I obviously find Paris endearing now that pop culture sees her for the joke that she is. And I don't know if she's entirely in on it at this point or if she just has faith in people who are, but her showing on last night's episode was pure Tyra-style camp. I mean, she was in badass drag at one point:

 

She went "undercover" to get the scoop on her potential besties, even though she could have easily reviewed the footage and double even though all she looked like was herself in a black wig:

 

No one seemed to notice that it was her and many of the contestants seemed genuinely shocked at the eventual reveal. What this proved was that there were people dumber than she was for thinking that people would be fooled by a wig. Thus, the show's necessary hierarchy is established. Pretty ingenious in its stupidity, if you ask me.

She also did this skit in the beginning where she ran Season 1 winner Brittany Flickinger's name through the mud via a fake press conference...

 

...that featured a man in a tiger suit (because, apparently, Paris likes to refer to those as fame-obsessed as Brittany apparently was to lead to their falling out, as "hungry tigers")...

 

The fact that Paris wasn't dressed as a ringmaster was a rare missed opportunity for a show that milks absurdity like a perverted infant on a double D.

Oh, and never mind the fact that while Paris was talking crazy but vague shit on her former "friend," saying stuff like, "She was just trying to find her own fame and fortune," we were shown flashes of Brittaney doing things she was made to do because of the show (and not of her own supposedly narcissistic volition)...

 

It all suggests that Paris is a shitty friend, which makes this show's premise all the more ridiculous. As if that even seemed possible!

From the just-to-be-stupid settings, like this faux suspect line-up she did in the semi-final round...

 

...to her outfits that owe inspirational credit to The Neverending Story and maybe Xanadu...

 

...it's clear that Paris is out to camp it up. It's a flattering look. The knowing wink the first season sported when playing with the conventions of reality TV (do not underestimate the winking expertise of former VH1 head Michael Hirschorn, one of BFF's producers and creators) gave the show this sort of Bizarro merit, and all signs point to that being kept up this season. I mean, one of the girls riffed on the classic reality TV concept of "throwing under the bus," by saying...

 

..."I'll throw you under a Greyhound Bus." That is some hardcore specific shit right there. I will not be surprised to find out that she's so hell bent on being there not to make friends, she doesn't even have any interest in Paris, who just happens to be the prize, of course.

There was also a weird moment where everyone (including Paris) ridiculed obvious frontrunner Nicole for talking in a baby voice...

 

...because it's annoying, not because it's exactly what Paris does constantly. They could have obviously been talking about Paris as they mocked Nicole, making the segment a barely veiled attack on the show's centerpiece. Pretty amazing.

So, yeah, there's potential. Season 1 fav Onch is back as the "permanent pet," once again exposing the ridiculousness of this show since Paris obviously likes him and hangs out with him still. This time, though, he has a baby strapped to his head.

 

 

So that's new. The fretting gay in the background is none other than:

 

Despite the hot-buttonness of his existence, do not expect incisive social commentary as a result of his role in the show. His idea of an alternative lifestyle is worshiping Paris instead of Madonna.

 

But on the plus side, he has that hair. The only thing more confounding than it is Paris' description of it as looking like a "tostada." She's playing the camp card like a trump card, I tell ya.

Oh, and there's a plus-size contestant!

 

 

I'm not pointing that out to be a jerk, I'm pointing it out because it's clearly essential to the way she's being characterized (her size makes her proud and others recoil). I assume that as with ANTM, the plus-size contestant will not win but should go far enough to make a point.

So yeah, I'm on board. I don't know if I'll recap every week, but I'll be watching avidly and since this is the space for the things I love, I may end up writing about it regularly. I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it. Because really, a show with the following determining criteria appeals to me on such a basic level, it might as well have sprung from my own genitals:

"You need three things: looks, personality, and outgoing." The grammatical awkwardness makes that the perfect encapsulation of this show. Loves it.

Comments

[Ilana]

First?

Anyway, I didn't know there was a second season of this coming out and I'm sad I missed the premiere but if you're going to recap then I'm going to watch :D

[Cyn]

A baby-talking plus-size lesbian Mormon with a baby tostada strapped to her head would totally win this thing.

[Dan]

I didn't even know there was going to be another season of this until yesterday, but it's now on my DVR list and I just the premiere a few hours ago. I love this show so much.

Even though our token gay's freakout was eerily remeniscent of Onch's roller coaster freak out (only about 1/2 as dramatic), he did briefly mention a legitimate reason not to get up on that pole. I wouldn't want to pole dance in front of a bunch of drunken douchebags trying to out cunt each other by screaming at me while I jumped through hoops to 'win' a 'friend' either.

Also, I know this makes me look dumb, but I didn't realize Gina was Paris until she said so after the first scene she was in... I guess that means I'm qualified for season 3?

[Lolita Hazed]

Dude, WTF is a BIKINI DANCER. Nicole is trying to be the new Corrie. She is not.

[Queen Lena]

Because really, a show with the following determining criteria appeals to me on such a basic level, it might as well have sprung from my own genitals.

You are a beautiful person.

[Vanessa]

So, from what I gather the show is more accurately named "Be My Inspiration for Shit-Talking/Reason for Season 3 with Paris Hilton."

And is that Jared Leto playing the gay Mormon?

[mer]

i missed the show but victoria looks about the same age as victoria gotti in the pic

funny to think that just a few years ago with proj run you were mad you had to even post about nikki hilton

times change but we still love you

[Matthew]

I can't believe I missed this! Great recap.

[Britta Dot Com]

Sorry but that silver outfit makes her look like Brini Maxwell!

[Keeko]

"This time, though, he has a baby strapped to his head. So that's new."

You are a brilliant brilliant man.

[hi]

Okay, I'm totally not being an ass (on purpose), but can someone parse this for me?

She went "undercover" to get the scoop on her potential besties, even though she could have easily reviewed the footage and double even though all she looked like was herself in a black wig.
----------

I know grammar errors sneak in and they're whatever, but this is making me feel too stupid for blog-reading :(

[Nathan]

HOLY CRAP. I never thought of it that way. The ANTM parallels are astounding! Onch might as well be a useless version of Miss Jay, and that plussie girl looks like a fugly version of Kortnie.

[Maya]

I am so glad you alerted me to this new season. This show is magical.

The highlights for me were Paris' horrible fake Brooklyn accent (she went to high school in nyc so she should really be able to do better) and, of course, the triumphant return of Onch! There has been an Onch-shaped hole in my TV-watching heart.

[gee_gee]

Sweetie, thank you so much for watching this sheer fuckery. Because I simply cannot. I feel like we should be sending you donations or something.

[Sara]

@ hi: I tripped up on that, too, but I think (I THINK) that it's "double even though," like, "extra even though."

Like, "She did X because Y and extra because Z."

At least that made sense to me. So. Maybe. It's right? I just read this back and it really confuses even me, so maybe, Occam's razor, I need to shut up.

[bryan]

read it like this:

...to get the scoop on her potential besties, "even though" she could have easily reviewed the footage, and "double even though" all she looked like was herself in a black wig.

i know, it took me twice through to understand it too. if the sentence was spoken it would've come across correctly.

[John T.]

YES!!! I was so happy to see you did a recap on this, I should've checked for it earlier in the week, hahah, but I agree on the friends not being as entertaining as the first season. I'm holding out hope for Katie though, the McDonald's thing was priceless

[hi]

Thank you for helping me read, internet people. I was having a life crisis over whether or not fourfour was above my reading level.

[flutter]

you've been featured on fabulous flutters

http://byflutter.com/?p=863

[Mouchois]

I've been addicted to this show. Enough so to watch the "Encore".

I love Onch. He's by far my favorite fake person in this entire universe, but I've got to say, it looks like there's plenty of fakies to give him a run for his money.

I can't wait to see the madness that is going to unfold. :D

[Dawn]

Please recap! This show needs your magical commentary. I'm so glad Onch is on this show. I was hoping he'd get his own show. I'd so watch Onch's BFF.

[Wendy]

I've never seen the show, but may have to watch it now. Sounds like a train wreck in the making.

You mentioned the Brittaney thing about how Paris said she was just looking for fame. I wonder... does she actually think anyone genuinely wants to be her friend? I'm sure there people who DO want to be her friend, but I don't think any of them are contestants.

[Biyiuqvt]

G9Da4B

[viagra coupon]

If you have to do it, you might as well do it right.

[Mira]

I have never wanted to watch this show until just now. Reading your post made me need to see it.