A love like in the movies

So, I was sitting at the Union Square Regal Cinemas with my friends Mark and Kerry, waiting for The Final Destination to start (shut up, it's in 3-D). Behind me, I heard this woman freaking out and fawning at...something. I turned to see a young couple sitting behind me. The girl had a bouquet of cellophane-wrapped roses in her lap. It was about as tall as she was, from the waist up. At some point, it came out that it was the couple's first anniversary, and the fawning woman was some sort of Regal worker. She was sassy, brash and loud, wearing a wet-looking wig and was probably around 60. Imagine Frankie...

 

...in a maroon Regal vest and you have the complete picture of this person.

I guess she gagged herself out of breath because she soon shut up. How much can you say about an anniversary, anyway? More than I ever would have imagined, per this woman's gushing, but everyone has limits. Soon, the Regal pre-trailer trailers package (whatever it's called: The Regal 20 or The Regal Beagle or The Regal Appetizer of Shit We're Shoving Down Your Throat Before The Other Shit We're About To Shove Down Your Throat for the Next 15 Minutes Before the Inevitably Shitty Movie You're About To Watch) ended. I'm sorry, since this post is mostly pointless anyway, I have to go off on tangent: Can you believe they have the nerve to show you pre-trailer trailers? You know how the nachos at Pizzeria Uno have tomato sauce and mozzarella on them and so they just basically taste like the pizza you're about to eat, or how cheese-covered breadsticks at Pizza Hut are just Pizza Hut pizza with some heavy seasoning but without sauce, but they give you that to dip them in, anyway? You know how pointless that shit is? I know it's yummy and all, but when you come down to it, I don't want pizza before my pizza and I don't want trailers before my trailers. Life is too cyclical for self-imposed redundancy. But then what can you do? Go late to the movies? Then you'd never get a good seat. Not eat breadsticks? Then you'd be cheated of the entire point of Pizza Hut.

So anyway, that shit ends, a few more commercials play, and I'm cursing existence as the, "Turn off your cell phones" notice comes up. After that, there's always about a minute of eerie silence. Except not this time because it filled with, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have in the theater a couple here that's celebrating their first wedding anniversary!!!! Give it up for them!" Frankiealike was now addressing the entire crowd and when she got done basically leading a Coke Zero toast, she said a few more words to the couple, now so slumped in their seats that the giant bouquet was about a head taller than both of them.

"You feel good?" asked Frankiealike. "Good. You're supposed to. Thank you for choosing Regal. Happy anniversary." The purpose of this post is to report that the finest couple of sentences ever spoken by mortal tongue are, "Thank you for choosing Regal. Happy anniversary." Realistically speaking, there is a good chance that these two crazy kids won't last (the first-anniversary screening choice of The Final Destination screams omen to me), but bound for eternity will be those two beautiful sentences.

Frankiealike addressed the crowd once more, between the first and second trailers, to announce a birthday of someone else in the theater. I assume that after she made her first address, someone felt his special day wasn't getting the proper attention, so he notified her. Fair is fair. Birthdays are as important as anniversaries and watching people die by getting cubed from being pushed through wire fences. After Frankiealike announced that, she said, "All right, New York, I'm out," as though this were Def Comedy Jam or some shit! Actually, it might as well have been -- she was more entertaining than anything in the movie. The tampons a character stuck in her children's ears to muffle the sound of racing engines were the only thing that came close.

Comments

[Kyle-Steven]

Please tell me you got her autograph.

[Chris]

I'm trying to get the visualy, but I'm lost on 'Regal vest.' Is this a NY-centric thing, or am I just oblivious?

[brista]

yo sup dawg i herd u like trailers so i put a trailer in ur trailer so you can trailer while u trailer.

[Bobby]

this is absolutely why i love your blog

[Meow]

I know exactly the Regal employee you mean and she is fucking amazing.

[Chantal Goya]

Rich, why do you like watching so much crap in the theatres? As if that GI Joe movie didn't look like it was going to suck just by the trailer! Stop throwing money at the problem.

[Johari]

You know what's scary about Pizza Hut breadsticks? I saw them making some for my order and they use industrial-grade (plain white can) garlic flavored cooking spray! All they do is take them out of the oven, give them a spray of garlic Pam and sprinkle their seasoning on top. I think I'll stay away from those next time.

[James]

You notice the weirdness and details, I love it.

BTW, If this took place last night, I might have seen your couple. I was on line in the express lane at the Union Sq Whole Foods around 9:30pm, and they was doing some major PDA. Mind you there about 100 people packed tightly around them. So, they're full on making out, groping, ect., and then he actually had to "adjust" himself. I was totally gagging. To make things worse all they bought was 3 gallons of water. (?)

[spielster]

i love that woman! She always runs into the ladies room, which back in the day was a DISASTER (I once found a toilet seat ripped off the toilet, an empty bottle of $4 vodka and a pregnancy test all in one stall)

She's great. She'll run into the ladies room and wish us all a great day, hope we enjoy our movie and makes a situation that is suicide inducing - movies in multiplexes - enjoyable.

[Marten]

I see that lady every time I go to that theater. The last time I was there waiting in line for Inglourious Basterds she was chatting us up and went into a very detailed explanation of the United Artists/Regal merger. As we were walking into the theater I told her I loved her and she hugged me. Made my summer.

[Reese]

I'm still laughing at the Regal Beagle.

[Barbara]

Your blog remains my favorite for posts like this.

You rock, but you already knew that!

[Signe]

Ughhh I've been reading fourfour for about six months now and after multiple lols in this post I simply had to comment saying how much I love you! Your writing and perspective on culture and the people that surround us reminds me so much of the way that I think, and I love knowing that none of it escapes your quick mind. Bravo-- and keep random stories like this one coming, cuz it's just so goddamn entertaining.

[MYMHM]

Ha!
That sounds freaking miserable.
I can't stand going to the movies any more. Even going to the fancy places out here in LA, I rarely enjoy this "experience". I'm usually surrounded by people wanting to hang out and socialize, rather than who are there to watch a movie.

Glad (?) to hear others are suffering too LOL!

[Alisa]

I definitely know that woman!! She is always there and whenever there's a long line for something she goes up and down the line talking to everyone. It is AWKWARD.

[RaRa]

You have got to love someone that loves their job when you hate your own...I must go see this woman an make her a tourist attraction for all to come to NY and see. Does she not have a name tag?

[Acaislim]

"yo sup dawg i herd u like trailers so i put a trailer in ur trailer so you can trailer while u trailer."

LOL, I was thinking the same thing!

[Hugh]

Hey Rich, longtime reader firsttime poster. I wanted to show you this vid http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0YvrrPxdyE

it's by Neil Goldberg, "She's A Talker"

Enjoy

[Hugh]

She's A Talker

first-time poster?

[Meow]

Hey Hugh: What's w. the "longtime reader, first time poster"? Are you calling into Bruce Williams' TalkNet? I never understood why people do that.

[Hugh]

is this better?
"Ughhh I've been reading fourfour for about six months now and after multiple lols in this post I simply had to comment saying how much I love you!" but yeah, that's what I was going for, the talk radio caller. I like terseness, and cliche. I'm not a talker

[Tab]

A Regal Cinema is the only place I have ever heard someone say, in complete seriousness, "You wanna take this outside?"

Yes, a brawl broke out during my viewing of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and yes, both participants were there with children.

It was infinitely more interesting than the movie.

[Taina]

I LOVE HER.

When I saw Star Trek she had on Spock ears and welcomed us to Star Fleet while we waited online. She went on and on for 20 minutes about what space was like.

Truthfully, when she's NOT at Union Square, I feel like I didn't get my money's worth.

[watch hollywood movies]

thats for sharing good

[viagra online]

I've read four and I'm reading through them fast. I hope they do a reprint as I cannot find the other five anywhere. Please reprint them. Having commissioned these specially as a collectable only would be a pity.