Here's me:
The reason is I just listened to the new Bad Lieutenant commentary on the movie's special edition rerelease and director Abel Ferrara sounds shockingly lucid. I don't mean to wish substance abuse on anyone, but anyone who knows Ferrara commentaries knows how amazing they can be when he's utterly dissociated (I'm a big fan of The Driller Killer's). There's some nonsense ("Harvey’s one of the great driving actors," he notes early on), but it's mostly straightforward. Bad Lieutenant is really a great movie, which is maybe why he takes this one particularly seriously. Seriously, if you need an excuse to take a shower give this one a spin.
I also watched the Beyoncé thriller Obsessed with full plans to laugh throughout. I could barely pay attention to it. It's like Fatal Attraction, but unattractive. Beyoncé's character is a boring shrew and her husband is as cocky as he is bland. There would be no reason to follow people like this if something remarkable didn't happen to them. Instead of getting all vexed, Scooby and Shaggy-style, they should have thanked his blonde temp...tress (Ali Larter doing a bargain basement impression of Sharon Stone at her most bargain basement) for adding some excitement to their lives.
Even the oft-referenced final showdown between Bey and Ali is surprisingly lame. (Sorry if that's a spoiler, but if you see this movie, you're kind of spoiling your life, so just take it as me doing you a favor.) I remember some review saying that it was totally YouTube-bound when Obsessed landed on DVD, but I found it barely gif-able. I only came up with two:
Beyoncé is such a monotonous actress that she makes Madonna seem like Sasha Fierce. Seriously, she's the fucking worst and I don't think enough people acknowledge that. Remember when there was Oscar buzz for Dreamgirls? Were people just seduced by her giant ass or what?
Yeah, so that movie's no fun. The most hilarious thing about it is that it ends on a freeze frame:
And the reason I find that lingering image funny must be Pavlovian, as I'm used to the canned laughter that usually comes with freeze frames on sitcoms.
I mean, really, there is absolutely no intrigue here at all. This is the most suspenseful scene:
Complete and utter fail.
OMG thank you for making a youtube of the email scene, i was trying to describe the ~intensity~ of it to a friend the other day (who refuses to watch, she's smarter than me for sure)
Posted by: izzie | August 04, 2009 at 04:04 PM
If this movie is not released in France I will thank god for that. Seriously Beyoncé should stick to singing. Didn't she see how bad actors Justin Timberlake & Madonna already are.
Signée une fan française de ton blog
Posted by: saroune | August 04, 2009 at 04:14 PM
Oh my god, that actually makes me want to see the movie now. I'm going to spoil my life (and my boyfriend's) and netflix it right now!!!!!
Posted by: trixie | August 04, 2009 at 04:21 PM
It's always a shame when something so trashy-looking turns out to be just plain garbage.
Posted by: spazmo | August 04, 2009 at 04:25 PM
But her husband is HOT, which is the only reason I'd think of watching it. So is there any good eye candy for the gays?
Posted by: Donny B | August 04, 2009 at 05:21 PM
Beyonce's ass was "giant" in DREAMGIRLS? Were we watching the same movie, because I recall it being Mastercleanse tiny a la Ms. Ross the Boss. She was a slip of a girl at the Golden Globes thanks to that lemon water/cayenne pepper diet shit.
Bey is a bad actress, true, and her Texan accent will limit any future roles, but I thought she did well in OBSESSED. That's taking all of her other wooden performances into account (CADILLAC RECORDS excepted), so maybe I'm just being nice. What I really can't wait for is the DVD for the I AM TOUR. Based on the Youtube clips I see another "Top 10 reasons Beyonce is Ridiculous" in your future.
Posted by: s2couto | August 04, 2009 at 05:27 PM
Alright... 10 year old moment. There is totally a nipple slip in the first .gif is there not?
Also, i too feel that beyonce's acting is sub-par and i always thought that.. even in austin powers her lines were not delivered well... she was handed jokes and it was just not funny coming from her. In dream girls she was flat and I, personally, felt nothing from her.
Posted by: Natalie | August 04, 2009 at 05:43 PM
The end is truly hilarious. I think I'd watch the movie again just because of that. From beginning to end. And because honestly, I lead a very boring life. I still love Beyonce though--wish I was seeing her concert!
Posted by: Richard | August 04, 2009 at 06:20 PM
NOT THE BLUE WINK EMOTICON!?!!
Posted by: meruleru | August 04, 2009 at 06:42 PM
First, I freaking love Bad Lieutenant. Maybe not enough to listen to the commentary-well, maybe now that I hear it's actually good. Harvey Keitel will forever be one of my favorite actors cause that guy has no boundaries. Favorite scene: when he pulls the two underage girls over and demands one of the pantomime a bj while the other one shows him her ass meanwhile he beats off and makes a distressing sound. Who else could possibly have played that role? Also, not nearly enough male actors go full frontal.
Thank you. I saw Goldmember and Dreamgirls and Bey is just terrible. How is everyone not seeing that in her performances? (altho, I hear she was good in Cadillac Records.) I have less than zero interest in seeing this movie. It's like an imaginary number on my viewing scale. Did love the clip tho. If someone still wants to watch after that, they totally deserve what they get.
Idris Elba, you should be doing better.
Posted by: Vanessa M | August 04, 2009 at 06:49 PM
Nice! The YouTube clip absolutely satisfied any desire I had to see Obsessed. ;)
Posted by: Leesil | August 04, 2009 at 07:06 PM
If you want a movie to laugh to watch C Me Dance, it's the feel good/devil semi truck killing/telepathic sermon giving/mullet dad praying/useless devil appearing/dancing Christian movie of the year.
Posted by: rustyspigot | August 04, 2009 at 08:04 PM
"Spoiling your life" is my new favorite thing.
Posted by: Emyko | August 04, 2009 at 09:54 PM
Blue winky smiley face of DEEEEEEEAAAAATH.
Posted by: Sarz | August 04, 2009 at 09:55 PM
Yeah, I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts on Bey in "Cadillac Records." I saw it, and I'm not 100% sold on her performance (although it's obviously her best one). I can't tell if she's genuinely good, or if I'm just easily impressed by the fact that she swears and does drugs while dressed as Etta James.
I think she was just trying to show up J-Hud's "Dreamgirls" performance. She's all, "Look at me, I can act like an untrained naturalistic loose cannon too!" Regardless, I'm pretty sure it's better than any of Madonna's performances. Although it's been a while since I saw "Dangerous Game" (which: Ferrara!).
Posted by: Jason | August 05, 2009 at 03:21 PM
LMAO at the youtube clip. That's in a suspense movie? Seriously? Still LMAO.
Posted by: Mellie | August 05, 2009 at 04:07 PM
Nothing beats watching Obsessed in the movie theater. Especially a black movie theater like I did. One of the few times I WANTED to hear people laughing loud and screaming at the screen
Posted by: T. AKA Ricky Raw | August 05, 2009 at 07:36 PM
I must agree with some of the above sentiment. This movie becomes community experience when seen in a movie theater. I saw it in a racially mixed area, half black and the other half gay. And the crowd was howling. We were there to laugh.
"Breath, bitch!" was a highlight, as was Beyonce's awful, awful acting. I think this is a film that needs to be seen with a group of strangers.
Posted by: Dandy Darkly | August 06, 2009 at 10:43 AM
I figured this movie was mainly for black women. Just so they can yell at the screen at the white devil woman and cheer when Beyonce gets all sassy on her ass.
Good lord does it look awful. Seriously.. a blue smiley face that winks is supposed to be suspenseful? Wow.. just wow
Posted by: LisaL | August 06, 2009 at 11:50 PM
I felt that the performance in Cadillac Records was equally lacking. I didn't buy it, it felt fake. Everything she says sounds like a scripted line to me. I never connect with any of her characters. All her performances come off as Beyonce playing dress up.
Posted by: neinkinda | August 07, 2009 at 03:14 AM
1. The Bad Lieutenant is NOT a good movie! I will admit that I only watched it cause I heard it had a dick shot in it, BUT STILL!
2. The best part of Obsessed is when Idris reveals he'd been out of the house for SIX MONTHS! Everyone in the theater was like.. "WTF?!" Too funny.
Beyonce got Oscar buzz because she was jealous Jenny got so much. She did a good job singing, and that movie was her best acting ever (and if anyone says Cadillac Records I will SLAP A HO), but she's still a terrible, terrible actress.
The girl can sang though. Even when she's driving me crazy, she can sang.
Posted by: Stacey | August 07, 2009 at 11:33 AM
Oh G-D!
That YouTube clip literally had me laughing out loud. I have to share this with people; it is too ridiculous.
I can't wait for the RiffTracks for this movie. Or maybe That Guy with the Glasses will review it.
Posted by: RP | August 07, 2009 at 11:57 AM
@ RP Yaaaaay RIFFTRAX!!!!!!!!!! It's always great to see a fellow MSTie (or Rifftraxxie if you will...LOL) Did you see the Plan 9 rifftrax? I couldn't BREATHE in some parts...LOL
*ahem* sorry, back on topic. That emoticon thing was PRICELESS. I kinda wanna see this now, since I love bad bad bad movies. But they have to be "so bad they're good" movies, and part of me thinks this just isn't one of those...LOL
Posted by: jennifer | August 08, 2009 at 12:39 AM
AHAHA! The winking smiley face is too much. So incredibly hilarious.
Posted by: Jackie | August 10, 2009 at 11:29 AM
Um, can we just mention for a moment that at the end of the movie (with the freeze frame) an effin' Beyonce song starts to play, who also produced the movie. The movie was just an excuse to pad her acting reel. I knew this movie was going to be bad, but I at least thought it would be awesomely bad like a Lifetime movie. Boy was I wrong.
Posted by: maria | August 12, 2009 at 11:51 AM