Disappointed

Here's me:

 

The reason is I just listened to the new Bad Lieutenant commentary on the movie's special edition rerelease and director Abel Ferrara sounds shockingly lucid. I don't mean to wish substance abuse on anyone, but anyone who knows Ferrara commentaries knows how amazing they can be when he's utterly dissociated (I'm a big fan of The Driller Killer's). There's some nonsense ("Harvey’s one of the great driving actors," he notes early on), but it's mostly straightforward. Bad Lieutenant is really a great movie, which is maybe why he takes this one particularly seriously. Seriously, if you need an excuse to take a shower give this one a spin.

I also watched the Beyoncé thriller Obsessed with full plans to laugh throughout. I could barely pay attention to it. It's like Fatal Attraction, but unattractive. Beyoncé's character is a boring shrew and her husband is as cocky as he is bland. There would be no reason to follow people like this if something remarkable didn't happen to them. Instead of getting all vexed, Scooby and Shaggy-style, they should have thanked his blonde temp...tress (Ali Larter doing a bargain basement impression of Sharon Stone at her most bargain basement) for adding some excitement to their lives.

Even the oft-referenced final showdown between Bey and Ali is surprisingly lame. (Sorry if that's a spoiler, but if you see this movie, you're kind of spoiling your life, so just take it as me doing you a favor.) I remember some review saying that it was totally YouTube-bound when Obsessed landed on DVD, but I found it barely gif-able. I only came up with two:

 

 

Beyoncé is such a monotonous actress that she makes Madonna seem like Sasha Fierce. Seriously, she's the fucking worst and I don't think enough people acknowledge that. Remember when there was Oscar buzz for Dreamgirls? Were people just seduced by her giant ass or what?

Yeah, so that movie's no fun. The most hilarious thing about it is that it ends on a freeze frame:

 

And the reason I find that lingering image funny must be Pavlovian, as I'm used to the canned laughter that usually comes with freeze frames on sitcoms.

I mean, really, there is absolutely no intrigue here at all. This is the most suspenseful scene:

Complete and utter fail.

Comments

[heyhey]

I know I'm yelling in an echo chamber here, but a-fucking-men, "Obsessed" was not trashy enough to be enjoyable because heaven forbid Matthew let his little girl get realllly durrrty. Which makes me think the only way that this movie could have sunk (and therefore risen) into my preferred level of trashiosity is if Sasha Fierce played the psycho stalker. Ring The Alarm with a Robot Arm/"Somebody's Getting Fired" Kahrazy. It'd awful. Awful entertaining.

[heyhey]

"...it'd BE awful."

Like my typing, apparently.

[heysup]

oh stringer bell, you deserve so much more

[Selam]

Aweful movie... seriously..
Everytime I think about it, I just feel like vomitting...