Say hello to our little friends

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a new batch of ANTM girls was posted, so you can't spend your day at the beach because you have to write about these people that you're going to spend much of the fall writing and writing and writing about anyway So much to do, bridging the gap between summer and fall. We're gonna need a bigger crystal thing that looks like an ashtray but is actually a device you use to communicate with your alien father, from whom you inherited the gift of freezing time. Grumble, grumble, that's what I do preseason.

But look, I'm disappointed by this batch of girls because a) none of them have particularly hilarious names, and b) although they are all short (this is the under-5"7' cycle for all two of you who think this show isn't enough of a farce), none of them are actual little people. Hello, Tyra? Wasn't this your chance? Dwarfism would have totally been the thing to beat (out of all the girls-with-the-things like Fatima with her clitoridectomy and Heather with her Aspergers and Isis with her penis and Tahlia with her suckage). Missed opportunity.

I'm so disappointed, in fact, that I'm going to run down these shorties how I choose to see them...

...as actual little people. I haven't obviously seen any of the cycle yet, but I can already tell you that this show would be better if the following girls' legs were really this short. More of a triumph of the human spirit, I think. Due to the aforementioned lack of names and the fact that they're mostly pretty (as pretty as someone with the handicap of shortness can be), I'm presenting these in rough order of preference (least to most) with minimal commentary. I'm short on words, get it? Also, wasn't Sandra my top pick last time? And why am I sill allowed to write anything at this point? You should have broken my fingers when you had the chance!

Nicole

 

All the bloody eyeballs in the world couldn't convince me that she's worthy of that look that whispers, "No doy."

Courtney

 

The second coming of Analeigh. Reunited and it feels so yo!

Erin

 

Is it weird that I'm disappointed that she isn't wearing fake pearls? She's just not living up to her counterfeit sophisticate aura.

Kara

 

It's a good thing Catherine Keener got her lips done before sawing off half of her legs to join this show. I'm going to be so pissed if this one isn't sparkling with sardonic indie wit and getting shitfaced on the regular. The latter shouldn't be hard, on account of her wee-ness. (And, with any luck, wenis.)

Sundai

 

I love that if you're too cheap to get your weave redone, you can just try out for ANTM and as long as you aren't growing, like, jagged teeth out of your forehead or a physical descendant of a hissing cockroach, you'll stick around the few episodes to get that thing fixed. I think Sundai loves that, too.

Brittany

 

This girl is so bland that I'm almost offended that I'm not more offended.

Ashley

 

Solange will never be Beyoncé, and Ashley will never be Solange.

Bianca

If ANTM has taught me anything, it's smile with your eyes, everybody talks about everybody and never trust a bald girl named Bianca. I'm expecting a Class Grinch bitch here.

Laura

 

She's actually really long, she's just short about it.

Lisa

 

Ghettogirlposehaaaay!!!! You know, I haven't thought about Miss J for a second since the last cycle went off the air. So fuck you for that one, Lisa.

Lulu

 

The only reason I like her is because she is gay. And black!

Jennifer

The only reason I like her is because she is Asian.

Rachel

Her face is fresh and also of fish. And I think that she makes a damn fine little person. Finally, major Troop Beverly Hills vibe. I hate that movie, but not nearly as much as I hate other shit. Second favorite girl here!

Rae

 

Yep, going with a blonde this time. You know me, anything for a laugh!

[Top image via Reality TV Games]

Comments

[Marion]

Love the "little peoplifying" of the contestants. Can't wait for the cycle to begin. The fourfour recap cycle that is.

[Kyle-Steven]

For reals? (Or should I say Fo' reals? Missing her runty ass already...)

People almost DIED for this cycle in a stampede. Why aren't they more...impressive?

[trixie]

First of all, how can you hate Troop Beverly Hills? That's one of the best movies ever made to feature Tori Spelling, Pia Zadora, Jenny Lewis AND Shelly Long all in the same film!

Secondly, I am happy with the Out of This World reference! You made my day!

Thirdly, I think Rae looks like a creepy uber christian. Don't ask me why, I'm just judging her before she can judge me...

[Amanda]

Which one is "Bloody Eyeball"?

[Erin]

I LOVE YOU FOR THIS. That is all.

[Melissa]

A lot of these girls look like past ANTMers:

Sundai reminds me of Furonda.
Rachel reminds me of Analeigh.
Jennifer reminds me of Duh-Gina (only because she's Asian)
Rae reminds me of Majorie with longer hair and no crack addiction.
Kara reminds me of Paulina, which means I think she'll be the first to go so Tyra can exact her revenge on Paulina for going out and talking all that shit when she was fired.

Bianca might as well just hold a sign that says "I'm the bitch this year." She looks like she wants to cut the photographer.

[Ironic]

"A Class Grinch bitch"? How do I love thee, Rich, let me count the ways.

[Chavon]

YAY!!! A new cycle and new laughs... Little peoplefied!

[Barbara]

Rich, you are the reason I watch ANTM. Thank you for all that you do. I had to pretend to cough at work (to cover my laugh) when I began reading this. Yay!!

[Dru]

How can you hate Troop Beverly Hills???????

[ihaveneverinmylifeyelledatagirllikethis]

You are so wrong for this. What's worse, though, is them all being shorties & Tyra with her heels means that at every elimination, the girl will come up to about boob-height on her. I predict an awkward season (...more so than usual).

[Rachel]

I was disappointed that Tyra did not take this opportunity to get real shorties and midgets. This post makes me feel better.

[Patrice]

You adjusted my morning with all those little legs. Well Done.

[Sara]

Oh, these images made me feel so nervous!

One thing that baffles me (seriously, the only thing ... ) is that Tyra doesn't have any excuse to pick mediocre/homely girls anymore. It used to be a weight and height issue ... if they were tall and thin, who cared? But then it stopped being about weight, and now height isn't an issue anymore either.

That said, most of these girls are pretty, and I'm sure if I saw them on the street and not from the safety of my laptop, I'd be a little intimidated, or something.

[Blonde Savant]

Anybody else think that Rae blonde Claire Danes?

[Cheryl]

Maybe I watch too much Gossip Girl (and I do) but Nicole reminds me of a red-headed Serena minus big boobs and hips of course

[Melvin at Mouchois]

None of these girls look nearly attractive enough or unique enough to even pull off anything in the modeling world. They're all just so... Plain.
I mean, I KNOW that there are better girls out there. Come on, now, ANTM.

[T. AKA Ricky Raw]

I love how there's like 34 seasons of this show and they're still calling it "America's Next Top Model."

Has Tyra and the show even produced America's FIRST top model yet?

[LaShaundra]

Ashley looks so familiar to me. Like she's been on another reality show. It's bothering me that I can't figure it out.

I too, hate Troop Beverly Hills. It's not even one of those guilty pleasure type movies.

[Dandy Darkly]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

The little people-ing of these girls in their photos was genuinely a surprise.

Good job.

To the ladies. Meh. Another cycle. What will Ms. Jay do on panel as girls are let go? Lower his chair til only the top of his head shows?

[Hannah]

To above: Ashley looks familiar because she's got Dominique brow! Anyway right now I am rooting for:
1) Sundai because I'm positive that she will in some way create hilarity,
2) Rae because she reminds me of Claire Danes and CNTM's Heather (of the high voice),
3) Laura just because, and
4) Lulu for her name, her sexual preference, and the fact that she worked in a sex shop.
Since this cycle has nothing to do with fashion I'm also channeling all my anticipation toward the prospect of some oldschool ANTM drama!

[Golden J]

hahahaha, this is great.

Some of my friends were all "well since they don't have to look for tall girls, Tyra is free to actually get really pretty gorgeous girls who were just too short to be traditional models." And I was like "No, she's still going to get fug weird monsters, they'll just be shorter this time." I WAS RIGHT!

[MB]

Rich, you have OUTDONE yourself. I have never laughed so hard at imagined disabilities! Seriously I almost peed.

I miss your updates and love everything you do.

[Bogatyr]

LOVE. LOVE. LOVE! Cannot stop laughing. Seriously...it's almost pathological. Better than Chantal on the trampoline at chipmunk-on-speed speed. Better than Lisa, the ostrich with gas.
Oh God...does this mean I'm gonna be sucked back into another season of ANTM? Meh...maybe I'll just read yer recaps, Rich. You're golden.

[Vampy]

Melvin, of course there are better girls out there.

After 543 Cycles they've figured out that the "winner" of this show falls in to a black hole after it's over!

LOVE the shrinkage, Rich.