Say hello to our little friends

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, a new batch of ANTM girls was posted, so you can't spend your day at the beach because you have to write about these people that you're going to spend much of the fall writing and writing and writing about anyway So much to do, bridging the gap between summer and fall. We're gonna need a bigger crystal thing that looks like an ashtray but is actually a device you use to communicate with your alien father, from whom you inherited the gift of freezing time. Grumble, grumble, that's what I do preseason.

But look, I'm disappointed by this batch of girls because a) none of them have particularly hilarious names, and b) although they are all short (this is the under-5"7' cycle for all two of you who think this show isn't enough of a farce), none of them are actual little people. Hello, Tyra? Wasn't this your chance? Dwarfism would have totally been the thing to beat (out of all the girls-with-the-things like Fatima with her clitoridectomy and Heather with her Aspergers and Isis with her penis and Tahlia with her suckage). Missed opportunity.

I'm so disappointed, in fact, that I'm going to run down these shorties how I choose to see them...

...as actual little people. I haven't obviously seen any of the cycle yet, but I can already tell you that this show would be better if the following girls' legs were really this short. More of a triumph of the human spirit, I think. Due to the aforementioned lack of names and the fact that they're mostly pretty (as pretty as someone with the handicap of shortness can be), I'm presenting these in rough order of preference (least to most) with minimal commentary. I'm short on words, get it? Also, wasn't Sandra my top pick last time? And why am I sill allowed to write anything at this point? You should have broken my fingers when you had the chance!

Nicole

 

All the bloody eyeballs in the world couldn't convince me that she's worthy of that look that whispers, "No doy."

Courtney

 

The second coming of Analeigh. Reunited and it feels so yo!

Erin

 

Is it weird that I'm disappointed that she isn't wearing fake pearls? She's just not living up to her counterfeit sophisticate aura.

Kara

 

It's a good thing Catherine Keener got her lips done before sawing off half of her legs to join this show. I'm going to be so pissed if this one isn't sparkling with sardonic indie wit and getting shitfaced on the regular. The latter shouldn't be hard, on account of her wee-ness. (And, with any luck, wenis.)

Sundai

 

I love that if you're too cheap to get your weave redone, you can just try out for ANTM and as long as you aren't growing, like, jagged teeth out of your forehead or a physical descendant of a hissing cockroach, you'll stick around the few episodes to get that thing fixed. I think Sundai loves that, too.

Brittany

 

This girl is so bland that I'm almost offended that I'm not more offended.

Ashley

 

Solange will never be Beyoncé, and Ashley will never be Solange.

Bianca

If ANTM has taught me anything, it's smile with your eyes, everybody talks about everybody and never trust a bald girl named Bianca. I'm expecting a Class Grinch bitch here.

Laura

 

She's actually really long, she's just short about it.

Lisa

 

Ghettogirlposehaaaay!!!! You know, I haven't thought about Miss J for a second since the last cycle went off the air. So fuck you for that one, Lisa.

Lulu

 

The only reason I like her is because she is gay. And black!

Jennifer

The only reason I like her is because she is Asian.

Rachel

Her face is fresh and also of fish. And I think that she makes a damn fine little person. Finally, major Troop Beverly Hills vibe. I hate that movie, but not nearly as much as I hate other shit. Second favorite girl here!

Rae

 

Yep, going with a blonde this time. You know me, anything for a laugh!

[Top image via Reality TV Games]

Comments

[jo]

Kara reminds me of Amanda Peet.

[yggie]

I was just wondering when the f*ckery that is ANTM was going to start. LOL at the little people.

[Jennifer]

wenis hahahahahahaha
so funny!

[Devon]

Kara kinda reminds me of Kelly Bensimon. You're right though...booooring! The only way that I would watch ANTM is if little people were on it and Bebe Zahara Benet replaced Miss J. I'm so tired of Tyra and her foolishness!

[Ali]

LMFAO Never trust a bald girl names Bianca.. so true. I smell a bitch.

[rachel]

finally, a rachel on this show! holla.

they couldn't think of ANYTHING more original than bloody eyeball for someone with a bloody eyeball? and why didn't it clear up by the time she got to school? is Bloody Eyeball a technical term???

[amy]

I love the photoshopping of the legs! It had me laughing so hard :P

I like Rae the most too, she looks stunning. But I also think that Brittany is stunning, not bland. I dislike the asian girl, Jennifer. She totally reminds me of that bitch Michelle Malkin to me, which is my most hated person of the month.

[roxy]

short is 5'4 and below... not 5'8 and below!
http://www.twolia.com/shop

[hunter]

rich, do you have a thing for asians?

[Joy]

You had me at the "Out of This World" reference... I thought I was the only one who remembered that show!!!

Oh yeah, and ANTM... yay.

[jmjm]

Nicole looks like supermodel Cintia Dicker. Courtney looks like Adriana Lima! For the most part they aren't too bad, Lulu, Lisa, Bianca and Ashley I'm not crazy about.

Can't wait to start watching and reading!

[maggie]

Out of this World ftw! I'm glad someone else actually watched that show, too. For the longest time, I thought I made that show up.

[Vanessa M]

I may have to give on on ANTM. It was sooooo bad last season. And the season before that. I only watched out of habit for the last few years. The last moment that really amused me was Lauren and Dominique's Cover Girl commercials.

That show brings out some ugly schadenfreude in me. Also, altho I used to find Miss Jay vaguely amusing, I now want to claw his eyes out whenever he opens his mouth. I didn't care one way or the other about Paulina but her absence means more Tyra. Cannot face it.

Your recaps, however, are can't miss TV.

[Brizzle]

Hate Troop Beverly Hills? How could you hate a classic 80's Shelley Long fish out of water story featuring a young Tori Spelling.

You might be dead to me a little bit. My heart weaps.

[frannycheska]

Kara looks too much like Kelly Bensimon from the Real Housewives of New York. Maybe she'll be insane like her too.

[Marlo]

Rich - this gives me something to look forward to again! You've already nailed it with "The second coming of Analeigh. Reunited and it feels so yo!" It does indeed, feel SO yo.

[Sue]

Perhaps Tyra's intro this year will be a homage to The wizard of Oz. I can just see her dressed as Glinda the good witch with all the little munchkins around her.

[SHORTPOWER]

All of these people look incredibly AVERAGE.
This season might be more boring then the last one. Lulu and Courtney are the only ones who look somewhat unique.

[Monica C.]

The short legs - ROFLMAO. You are crazy!

I like Jennifer and Rachel.

How many times will Tyra say "Asian" on this cycle?

[gary]

only one Asian girl in the under 5'7" season - kinda surprising...

[Kodora]

Why, if they are going to put out the girls before hand, do they have the try-out one hour thing?

[Mandy]

"Gather round you friends of mine. We're wilderness girls and it's cookie time..."

Yeeyeah!

[Mandy]

Sunday should always be S U N D A I.

[Ilana]

I almost spat my water out all over my screen when I realized you had midget-fied all the contestants. I cannot WAIT for you to tear this season apart!

I really only watch this show now so that I know what you are talking about in your recaps. Tyra is getting too ridiculous even for me.

[Mellie]

HA! Short people unite!

Where my 4'10" girls at? Where my fellow 5'0" sistahs at? Not here. Tyra officially sucks. She always has, but now it's notarized.