Drag me to Diablo

It seems almost pointless to trash Jennifer's Body now, even though I saw it on Friday for that express purpose. It'd be one thing if it made serious money and I felt some misguided calling to tell the people that they're wrong (the millions of them who aren't reading this blog, even), but its opening weekend haul was laughable -- it didn't even pass the $7 million-mark. It's clear that nobody cares, that a screenwriter doesn't sell movie tickets (even if she has the privilege of using Entertainment Weekly as her printed blog once a month), that not even Megan Fox is much of a draw, in fact (even in a movie that lists the only of her assets that people care about so far in its fucking title). It's a weird instance of financial justice, and I'm kind of taken aback. Jennifer's Body, simply sucks, from its embarrassingly cheap special effects (creature transformation via wall shadows!), its predictable plot (if you've seen the trailer, you've practically seen it), its vacant commentary on the evils of high-school-girl-on-high-school-girl crime (it...exists!), and its hokey devices (I mean, Satanic sacrifice, like the kind they find in books? Seriously, that's the thing that's going on here?). I found Juno's dialogue to be excruciating, and Diablo Cody clearly wasn't going to change her shtick in its follow-up (can she even do anything else but have people spit sub-sub-Heathers, quip-sized extensions of her self-satisfied ego at each other?), but it's really the only thing that this movie has going for it -- it's the difference between something that would have struggled to go straight to DVD and something that landed in almost 3,000 theaters opening weekend. And, hey, at least they provide something tangible to be annoyed by, instead of just being generally mystified at what you're watching.

Also, how the fuck are they gonna under-use Amy Sedaris and try to get away with it?

So yeah, a terrible movie did terribly. Great job, America. Just for the fun of it, though, and so that I don't feel that I calloused my fingers in vain and annoyed my boyfriend with the faint glow of my BlackBerry for nothing, here are the particularly groan-worthy quotes, phrases and words I took down as I watched the film, listed in order from meh to someone-give-my-brain-the-abortion-that-Juno-passed-up:

"Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch."

"It's like some X-Men shit, right?" (Jennifer on her instantly healing skin).

"I'm a hard-ass, Ford-tough mama bear."

"She's actually evil. Not high school evil."

"PMS isn't real, Needy. It was just invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy."

(On Phil Collins) "Forget it, he's extra seminal, but whatever."

"Hell is a teenage girl."

"Crass. It means greedy. Exploitative. Sleazy."

"It's true! It's on the Wikipedia!"

"Do you want to be rich and awesome, like that guy from Maroon 5?"

"Biffs" (phonetic pronunciation of BFFs).

"They're basically like agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts."

"We were our yearbook pictures, nothing more, nothing less."

"You give me such a wetty." (As in, we can assume, the female equivalent of woody.)

"Nice hardware, ace!"

"Total varsity moves." (That means advanced sex technique.)

"Boobs are like smart bombs: you point them in the right direction, and shit gets real."

"Tragedy boner."

"Dillhole."

"Freaktarded."

"Faggos."

"Lesbigay."

"Shutties!" (That means "Shut up.")

"Sandbox love never dies."

"Is he packin' some serious pubic inches?"

"You are such a player hater!" (That's spoken from Jennifer in particularly monstrous form, after Needy just remarked that her hovering wasn't so impressive.)

"Cheese and fries, there's somebody here!"

"Move on, dot org." (That's a command.)

"Enough with the screaming! You're such a cliche!"

Comments

[Dina]

You just know someone's a crappy actor when she looks stilted and wooden...in a screencap.

But "Move on, dot org" should be a hanging offense.

[JC]

I heard an interview with Diablo Cody on NPR on Saturday (shortly after seeing this turd). Diablo explained that "move on, dot org" is something she says in real life, and she was clearly tickled with her own super-awesome creativity. Yawn.

NPR, what happened to you?

[jeremy]

I friggin hate Diablo loser. I can't believe she won a fuckin' Oscar. I would have gone to see this if it weren't for her. Instead, I saw Sorority Row the week prior and was mildly amused.

[Maya]

this movie is trash dot org backslash lame!

[Vanessa M]

Actually, I like her EW column and her Showtime series. I dunno--I kinda wanted to see this and prolly will on cable.

NPR has done worse. They let Joan Rivers plug her new book that recommended all women above a certain age get plastic surgery or expect their husband's to leave them.

[maria c]

Maybe people are getting their brains back. They went to see Inglourious Basterds and didn't see this. That's something,right? This is totally the kind of movie that the fanboys would rather download for free in the comfort of their own dark, smelly rooms than pay to see, anyway.

[Miss Lisa]

The whole concept (man-eating sexual demon girl) was already done multiple times 40 years ago and I'm not sure the kids of today relate to that dated taboo any more. They're all into lovelorn vampires and shit. Maybe today's teens are craving love with their sociopathic gore. Freakish!

Aww, look at Coraline and the buttons in the header. I lurve her! Dot com.

[She Knows]

Move on dot org sounds like something Dr Evil would say in Austin Powers. That is, dated and cringe-worthy.

[Jen M]

I effing loved this movie. It is soooo obviously not intended to be taken seriously and therein lies its brilliance. If you can learn to revel in that fact- its a great time. Yes, Megan Fox looks like a reanimated Skipper doll inflated with olive oil and collagen. Yes, the premise is cheesy - I LOL'd at the indie rock band device. Yes, it gets up close and humps a couple of tried and true high school cliches. AND???? That's why it's AWESOME. Its self-awareness is apparent and OTT.

Taking this movie seriously is like trying to turn a bag of Twizzlers into the main course of a fancy meal - a bad idea, leading to disappointment.

My two cents - but then again I saw this movie as a wonderfully drippy combo of two of my favorite guilty pleasures - awful horror movies and awful high school movies.

[Penelope]

I planned on seeing it but I'm not so sure it's worth even a fraction of my paycheck anymore. Just read this, thought it went along with the theme here

http://pornfordames.blogspot.com/2009/09/lesbian-kiss-in-jennifers-body.html

[Tawny]

Haha, after Jen M's comment, I sort of want to see it. I too have kind of a thing for really bad HS movies.

Also, people do talk like this a bit. At least, I do. The Home Depot line is cute (this is coming from a low-femme "lesbigay"), and I have to say that if "Move on dot org" were easier to speed up, it would totally become my new Horrible Phrase. But then again, I am probably your worst nightmare because I use acronyms in oral communication (IMO, IDK, BFFs), abbreviations (whatevs, obvs, espesh), and regularly say "bomb" to mean cool (and no, not with the definite article.)

Yep, I'm *that guy*.

[twitter.com/PeopleInTheSun]

Well, I thought it was an amazing movie. The way the helicopters come in and destroy the village, producing a dance of destruction, challenging our own perception of death as a passive audience is remarkable.

Wait... Silly me. I always confuse Jennifer's Body and Apocalypse Now.

[tallulahbankhead]

Poor Diablo. She can't pull her head out of her ass to see that she's not the most wittified person on the planet.

cackle.

I do feel bad for Karyn Kusama (director of Girlfight) -- I was hoping the movie would do well for her career only.

[Jen M]

Oh and you missed two of my faves:

After getting stabbed in the heart with a box cutter - "My tit!"

and

After getting a huge metal pole pulled out of her her stomach leaving a gaping, bloody wound - "Got a tampon? You look like you're pluggin'"

BWAH!!

C'mon you have to admit the tit line is good stuff...

[Natalie]

I really enjoyed this movie. As long as you go into it not taking it too seriously (as the movie doesn't take itself seriously,) I really think people would like it.

I feel like a lot of the haters are hating because it's Diablo Cody and you just want it to be bad. It's supposed to be a cheesy horror movie! Lighten Up and enjoy it for what it is!

[kelly]

eek she has half-thumbs!

[Dio]

That....was like...not even a funny bad movie, it was just aggravatingly bad. Like Trolls 2 bad. I think roughly 20 minutes in, I was too disgusted w/ the badness to even laugh and make fun of it.

I would say "who's Diablo Cody" but I did a quick search, edumatcated myself and shrugged. Is Cody that bad? Or even that good?

[bloosy]

Haven't seen it...knew it would be a gut wrenching sight filled with uber cheese and inflated teen ego pumped up to screeching levels of annoyance...in other words, I knew it would suck! Will we have to endure Meg Fox plastered on every entertainment publication now? ugggggggggg.....

[Annie]

Small point: the weird police cadet guy said, "Faygos" not "Faggos."

Midwestern slang for gay, based on the awesome-cheap pop produced in Detroit.

[Rachel]

I'll netflix it in a few months since Amy Sedaris is in it.

(Love the Coraline header!)

[Golden J]

ok, so I'm sure this movie does truly suck, but one line from the trailers actually makes me crack up:

When Amanda Seyfried (the blond "nerd" ?) says "you're killing people!" and Megan Fox responds "No, I'm killing BOYS." THe delivery was fantastic and I think it is a humorous-if-high-schooly line.

Anyway, I'm glad diablo cody failed at something, and the failure will do little (if anything) to stop Megan's ascension to legendary superhotty.

[duane]

Wow, per the illustrative quotes you took down, I see that the writing was even worse than I had expected. Yikes!

[liz]

Aw, Amy Sedaris is in it? Awwwww, Amy.

[Christopher]

Huh. I kind of love Diablo. She's VERY West Coast though. Definitely reminds me of my Oakland/SF days. But I sort of love that about her. The whole valley-girl meets rockabilly thing. So while, I didn't think I'd see this movie before. You're review convinced me that I probably should. Which I suppose wasn't your idea.

[Rachael J.]

I've been saying dillhole for years. How dare you Megan's Body!!!