Drag me to Diablo

It seems almost pointless to trash Jennifer's Body now, even though I saw it on Friday for that express purpose. It'd be one thing if it made serious money and I felt some misguided calling to tell the people that they're wrong (the millions of them who aren't reading this blog, even), but its opening weekend haul was laughable -- it didn't even pass the $7 million-mark. It's clear that nobody cares, that a screenwriter doesn't sell movie tickets (even if she has the privilege of using Entertainment Weekly as her printed blog once a month), that not even Megan Fox is much of a draw, in fact (even in a movie that lists the only of her assets that people care about so far in its fucking title). It's a weird instance of financial justice, and I'm kind of taken aback. Jennifer's Body, simply sucks, from its embarrassingly cheap special effects (creature transformation via wall shadows!), its predictable plot (if you've seen the trailer, you've practically seen it), its vacant commentary on the evils of high-school-girl-on-high-school-girl crime (it...exists!), and its hokey devices (I mean, Satanic sacrifice, like the kind they find in books? Seriously, that's the thing that's going on here?). I found Juno's dialogue to be excruciating, and Diablo Cody clearly wasn't going to change her shtick in its follow-up (can she even do anything else but have people spit sub-sub-Heathers, quip-sized extensions of her self-satisfied ego at each other?), but it's really the only thing that this movie has going for it -- it's the difference between something that would have struggled to go straight to DVD and something that landed in almost 3,000 theaters opening weekend. And, hey, at least they provide something tangible to be annoyed by, instead of just being generally mystified at what you're watching.

Also, how the fuck are they gonna under-use Amy Sedaris and try to get away with it?

So yeah, a terrible movie did terribly. Great job, America. Just for the fun of it, though, and so that I don't feel that I calloused my fingers in vain and annoyed my boyfriend with the faint glow of my BlackBerry for nothing, here are the particularly groan-worthy quotes, phrases and words I took down as I watched the film, listed in order from meh to someone-give-my-brain-the-abortion-that-Juno-passed-up:

"Do you buy all your murder weapons at Home Depot? God, you're butch."

"It's like some X-Men shit, right?" (Jennifer on her instantly healing skin).

"I'm a hard-ass, Ford-tough mama bear."

"She's actually evil. Not high school evil."

"PMS isn't real, Needy. It was just invented by the boy-run media to make us seem crazy."

(On Phil Collins) "Forget it, he's extra seminal, but whatever."

"Hell is a teenage girl."

"Crass. It means greedy. Exploitative. Sleazy."

"It's true! It's on the Wikipedia!"

"Do you want to be rich and awesome, like that guy from Maroon 5?"

"Biffs" (phonetic pronunciation of BFFs).

"They're basically like agents of Satan with really awesome haircuts."

"We were our yearbook pictures, nothing more, nothing less."

"You give me such a wetty." (As in, we can assume, the female equivalent of woody.)

"Nice hardware, ace!"

"Total varsity moves." (That means advanced sex technique.)

"Boobs are like smart bombs: you point them in the right direction, and shit gets real."

"Tragedy boner."

"Dillhole."

"Freaktarded."

"Faggos."

"Lesbigay."

"Shutties!" (That means "Shut up.")

"Sandbox love never dies."

"Is he packin' some serious pubic inches?"

"You are such a player hater!" (That's spoken from Jennifer in particularly monstrous form, after Needy just remarked that her hovering wasn't so impressive.)

"Cheese and fries, there's somebody here!"

"Move on, dot org." (That's a command.)

"Enough with the screaming! You're such a cliche!"

Comments

[Jason]

Thanks for transcribing those lines, Rich, you've got me cracking up all over again. Of course I mean genuinely cracking up because I thought the movie was funny, but whatever, your effort is appreciated even if I disagree with your POV on it.

[JCC]

I take issue with the name "Needy".

[darek]

I gotta hand it to you, you're sheep - fan base - will NEVER disagree with you no matter what! (Save for Jen M).

The movie was great! Funny (not gut-busting hilariousness), Scary (not terrifying that it needs loud sounds that cause people to litereally jump out of their seats) and how do you figure that by seeing the trailer you've seen everything? How can you possibly expect the ending from the trailer alone? Hell the ending was one of the best parts of this movie.

Kinda dissappointed that you felt you had to crap all over this movie just to fit in with all the other critics that crapped all over this movie. You're a 4-star instead of an All-Star now :(

[cizmad]

I got to see a Press Screener of this movie for free and I still wanted my money back.

There's a way to satirize horror movie cliches and do it really well - it was done in Scream, frankly. Here Cody fails both at making a scary movie and at making a satire of a scary movie because she's not doing anything new or subversive - the horror genre in America is already completely self-aware, so all she's really doing is injecting her "trademark" dialogue into really well-worn territory. The trick worked in Juno because the entire world of that movie was slightly off-kilter, and Ellen Page was the perfect delivery vehicle for her words. Here, the few moments that are actually successful at being either scary or witty are so jarring in contrast to the rest of the movie that they actually make it more unbearable.

Complete trash, and anyone defending it as "supposed to be over-the-top and mock the genre!" should understand that most people who are going to see it UNDERSTAND that that was the intention, as Cody has been interviewing for months about how interested she was in subverting traditional horror movie tropes. Unfortunately, that's already been done much much much better (more than 10 years ago), and frankly only her Oscar kept this mess from being straight-to-Fearnet.

[Merideth]

Faggos in the context of a Scott Thompson Kids in the Hall sketch is actually brillant.

[Urban]

Rich, I agree with you often, and DO still want to Gay-Marry you; but I really loved this movie.

[Shane]

Yeah, it was only alright for me, dog.

But I did like the one line where she intimated that she'd get the bartender to serve her underage by going up to him to play "Hello Titty." It was the only really clever line in the movie, as I, too, find Cody's dialogue excruciating.

[Kate]

Oh dear, now I'm definitely not going to see it. I couldn't STAND Juno.

"Cheese and fries, there's somebody here!"

WTF?

[Kate]

But I might have to see it only for Amy Sedaris. I'm obsessed with her.

[Modesto]

i thought it was campy fun... nothing "oscar worthy(neither was fucking juno)", but it was an okay thing to laugh over. i didn't take it too serious.

[CP]

I thought it was ok...I mean Needy was from the BEST teen movie ever (Mean Girls) and I had never seen Megan Fox act in anything before (no desire to ever see Transformers).

Best line "I'm not even a backdoor virgin, I had to miss flags th next day and stay home and sit on a bag of frozen pees" (not exact quote but made me laugh

[Chantal Goya]

I FUCKING LOVED THIS MOVIE! I officially don't get Amerukka's taste in movies. How is it that The Fast and Furius and Gi Joe (which you actually admitted to seeing Rich, UGH!) reached the top of the Box Office and this was number 5?

[Colin]

move on, dot org was a line on the Gilmore Girls... about 7 years ago - when it would have been relevant.

[vajayjay]

"My tit" ... This movie is gold!
Normally I agree with you but I think you're way off on this.

[MaryPoopins]

cizmad,

It WAS awfully charitable of you to take time out of your peace-keeping, blow-snorting, blog-reading, economic-crisis-solving, leper-nuzzling, media-analyzing, vaginal-dart-throwing schedule to give us your insight.

You are so right - everyone that disagrees with you is wrong wrong wrong! **sucks thumb**

could you possibly be any more pretentious?

I love it when people are so much smarter and have better connections (screener!) step down from the heavens to impart us cretins with just a speck of their genius?

you get the picture. :P

[kdub]

I'm so embarrassed... I actually use "move on dot org" on a regular basis.

[Account Deleted]

Well, I honestly didn't expect you to hate the movie since I got a sense that you like cheesy/trashy stuff. :P
I (seriously) liked the movie, even Megan Fox (it seems to be a trend to hate her these days).
To begin with, I didn't take this movie seriously and I think a lot of people approached it with such a high expectation. I think it was meant to be cheesy, even the casting of Megan Fox, for whom I think embodies a perfect "wannabe cool" high school girl, well - perfectly, was done to emphasize on boy fantasies and give this girl's story some edge.Megan already looks somewhat gloomy and dark but still her "feel" comes across as shallow and "not so smart", so if they cast anyone else stereotypical (blonde, dumb as a rock,but vicious) for a cheerleader - I don't think it would work.

I think the biggest problem of this movie was it's marketing. They pretty much did an overkill with pushing Megan's image into the media, and having a movie relay strictly on a screenwriter. I garnish no hate towards Diablo Cody, because woman is doing her own thing, and has followers, so who are we to knock her down (same with Megan). But I honestly think if everyone approached this movie without the initial "hate", it would be much more enjoyable experience that will leave you feeling - entertained.

:P

[Melvin at Mouchois]

I'm pretty much over Megan Fox.
Well, I've never been into her enough to get over her (those club thumbs just throw me off). She seems so fake and plastic, even more so than Nileen Namita.
That's just my two-cents.

[Sara]

I actually really loved this movie. Of course I didn't take it seriously; I don't think anyone could or would. That's not a defense of it, just the main reason I liked it ... I'm sure I'll be crucified in someone's imagination for saying this, but I found the movie incredibly fun, in a slick goofy way. I totally agree that it merged bad-high-school with bad-horror-movie, and we all know two negatives make a positive. MATH.

Cody's weird stylized hipster-speak fit this genre a lot better than 'Juno,' I think, since in 'Juno' it was a more-or-less realistic scenario in a town where everyone was apparently going for a PhD in Culture & Theory, while in this the whole premise is totally fantastical and over-the-top, a dark-fantasy world where arrogant self-satisfied indie bands annoy you by performing ritual sacrifice instead of merely by existing, where you can morally defeat a demon by reminding her of how she has to use laxatives to stay skinny. I really loved the little details: Needy's bunny-slippers in prison, the Toastums show-down, the embroidered God Bless Our Pad on the living room wall.

AND I actually thought the sex scene between Needy and Chip was adorable. It was sweet and awkward and endearing and realistic and somehow really refreshing, as gross as that sounds about a teenage sex scene. Needy was a really intriguing character in how understated, smart, and plucky she was: not a fumbling jealous virgin, like the high-school/horror-movie cliche. If anything, I love this movie for her.

[Molly]

i don't understand the appeal behind diablo cody. so she made a movie about a pregnant teenager (how daring!) with cheesy/awful/ridiculously horrible dialogue and somehow she became a cool punk academy darling? she's a joke. and her writing sucks worse than i dunno. courtney love if she was coherent. i truly detest anything diablo cody writes, thinks, or attaches her name to. that is all. oh and p.s. fuck megan fox.

[Courtie]

I fucking hate Diablo Cody. She's a fucking hack and I want to punch her and her movies in the face.
That is honestly all I came here to say.

[cizmad]

MaryPoopins,

Don't be a bitch.

I commented on the movie, and the fact that when people defend it as being "not serious!" they're acting like the people trashing it were expecting Citizen Kane or something. No one was expecting Citizen Kane. I, at least, was expecting something that did something new or interesting with the genre because that's what the writer has been claiming the movie would do for months.

Next time you feel like cunting out on someone's opinion, maybe address the actual opinion instead of your personal feelings of offense? I mean, personally, I think it's more pretentious to feel like you're in a position to slam other commenters than it is to feel like you can slam a movie that EVERYONE ON THE THREAD IS TALKING ABOUT.

I'd like to end on a helpful note, and direct you to something that you seem to need.

Since, you know... you look like you're pluggin'.

[jane]

The parenthetical snark on display here is truly world-class, Rich. Excellent.

[heysup]

i loved it. it was exactly what i wanted it to be. the lack of chemistry between the two leads was annoying but otherwise i really enjoyed it.

[Jen M]

Hee hee!

pluggin! Tit!!

See it is funny!