Lu of averages

This right here?

Wish fulfillment.

For the first time in my life, Jay Manuel, I salute you.

28. Brittany

What is there left to say at this point about a girl on America's Next Top Model who's crying tears of relief after being set free from the psychic prison that is the Bottom 2? Well, for one thing, that it's a short girl who's crying tears of relief after being set free from the psychic prison that is the Bottom 2. That's something new.

29. Lulu

I don't really understand why Lulu's going home, but I don't care enough to complain about it, either.

30. Ashley

Ashley, however, does care. What is a top without her bottom? Hovering, I guess, for one thing.

31. Sundai

And just how did an obviously affected Sundai fit into this relationship? Was it less couple, more Chilli sandwich? I'm sadder than a fun bitch on a chopping block to report that we'll never know.

32. Lulu

Mmhmm. Yeah, Lulu. That's nice. I SAID WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

And here's more fun with not making heads or tails:

Tyraism of the Week. No. 1

"So ladies, this week, you had a photo shoot where you had to elongate yourself...And let me explain something, because I can see a lot of people saying, 'Well, if got petite models, why do they need to look taller?' I picked all of you guys because you are stunning. You are gorgeous. But unfortunately, that's not enough in high fashion. Gotta be able to appear taller if necessary. We don't want to give anybody an excuse not to hire us."

Um, people already have an excuse not to hire these girls: because they're fucking short. They're shorter than my pinky. They're shorter than first-time sex. They're shorter than a fly's lifespan and wingspan. They're shorter than a narcissist's attention span at group therapy. They're shorter than Wee-wee Herman. They're how-big-is-Sundai...?

...Soooooo biiiiiig-i.e.-short short.

And I thought the whole point of this fairytale cycle was to break out of the box and defy anyone who says the fashion industry has no place for shorter girls. I guess I misunderstood: the point is to elongate yourself within the box.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"See? Ptosis is something that you have that is nobody else's business."

Indeed. Did you know that "ptosis" is Latin for "period of the face?" Those more familiar with the condition refer to it as the eternal visit from Aunt Pto. True story! I wouldn't lie.

1. I'm just going to start with this because I love it. Seriously, I'm very pleased with myself.

You know how they were raving about Bloody Eyeball's photo (I believe Tyra said she looked 5'13", which is actually an effective way of conveying Bloody Eyeball's impossible tallness in this shot #tyraisthenewwhitman)? And how someone (I think Nigel) suggested that she was standing on Sundai's shoulders? Well, he was close. Here's really how that thing worked:

I refrained from showing the see through image above Bloody Eyeball's knees out of respect for her modesty (you know the old adage: "Above the knee is as good as pussy," right?), and what I suspect is a no-panties policy. (She just seems like the hippie and/or forgetful type.)

Anyway, ta da!

2. Last week, I went through all of the episode's recurring themes that I could find. This week, I have a new batch. Hopefully, I can make ANTM Hot (i.e. Real Life Lukewarm) a recurring feature. (I'd really like to call it What's New in Nails, after a line from an old CoverGirl Beauty Tip of the Week, but I know I have to at least try to make some semblance of sense, lest I wind up just in some corner somewhere babbling and guffawing to myself and I'm at, like, 3 o'clock and the corner's at 4:30, so I'm not gonna push it, K?)

Anyway, before the new ones, here's the continuation of one from last week:

More conjoined things. Rubber ducks? That's crazy! What's next, soap? This show is sooo out there!

Now for a new motif...

...scowling.

...and a motif within the motif...

...the half-scowl...

It's really inspiring that everyone's so glad to be here. I can't even tell you.

A slightly related motif belongs solely to Lulu...

...the ubiquitous eye roll...

My favorite shots are the ones where you can only see the whites of her eyes. It's like she rolled her eyes so hard, she built up enough momentum to transport her to Zombieland. I should have taken this as foreshadowing, as she was essentially walking dead this entire episode.

The next theme was a particularly frustrating one...

...the gif gone awry. Whatever weird "Thriller"-ness (speaking of zombies!) is going down between Rae and Brittany was destroyed by a quick cut away. I guess we got Ashley's criss-crossing in full, so not all was lost. But god damn it, I wanted to see the funk of 40,000 years made fashion!

Here's another one destroyed by editing. Seriously guys, let it ride. It benefits us all. Right now it just looks like Tyra's tweeting (like a bird, not a Twitterer), but I know she was about to open up her face and let the demons in, grizzly ghoul that she is.

And finally:

Fuck that photographer for obstructing our view and ruining what was possibly the gif of the cycle so far. I wanted to see Laura loosen up by shaking like Olive Oyl in distress and, damn it, this guy had to do his job. This is really the only salvageable section:

...and that makes me so, so sad.

3. But not for long because I have yet another Pretty Party led by Laura's childlike glee at the prospect of...everything that comes her way on this show:

I don't know if she's high all the time, or if being Laura is just like being high all of the time, but whatever she's smoking or not smoking, it's clearly working for her.

(Actually, she said, "I'd be in Seventeen magazine. I just couldn't think of anything better." So I'm gonna actually go with straight-up high, because, seriously? Advertorial work is nice and all, but I think a bar of chocolate and a foot rub is almost as good. I feel like if someone showed Laura something shiny, she'd have a whole new thing that she couldn't think of anything better than.)

Also, it's been noted that Laura has been keeping a blog regarding her ANTM journey, Laura's Model Life. It is as charming as you might expect. (It'a also kind of touching re: her latest entry on dyslexia. But then, I'm a sucker for problems with dyslexia and literacy for some reason. Seriously, I cried while watching The Reader, not because of the ill-fated romance, but because Kate Winslet's Nazi pedophile character's problems with reading just broke my heart.) Here's a sample line from a post last week: "Many of you think it was so funny that I love nudity, but what many of you don’t know is right now, as we speak, I’m naked eating cereal writing this to y’all hahahahahhahahaha!" Yeah, well I too am naked eating cereal right now, and I'm typing with my penis. So, hahahahahhahahaha ha, y'all! Your move, model.

4. But you know, I think if Laura talks about using the frozen-food aisle as her runway one more time...

...we're going to have to lock her up there. I'm sure she'd be thrilled at the prospect.

5. And speaking of walking, I was so glad to be privy to Miss J's runway tips and teats. Hey Miss J, how long are the nipples on those teats?

How fantastic.

I have to say that as much as Miss J has the capacity to annoy the shit out of a constipated saint, he was kind of great during the teach teats.

"We can see what you're thinkin'," is a fantastic thing to say to someone who clearly isn't thinking very much, per her walk, career path and gluttony for punishment that signing up for this show bespeaks.

"You walk as though your right leg isn't yours," he said to Erin. Given that she's basically the frontrunner, it really isn't hers. It's Tyra's.

6.Oh, and how bitchy were Lulu and Ashley?

All the shit they talked could have filled up scrolls. Bitch-Eeeee Scrolls, even.

My favorite critiques of theirs were ones that called out shit the girls couldn't do anything about, like when Lulu said that Brittany's eyes were "piercing" (“But I do have piercing eyes! It’s just, like, how I look!”) or when Ashley told Bianca to put her eyebrows down. What an impossible request. Bianca doesn't have any eyebrows to put down.

And just in case you need categorizing a la Cycle 9's Bianca:

Fun bitch. (Relatively, of course -- sometimes, i.e. on this show and this show alone, eye-rolling is enough to make someone fun by comparison.)

Bitchy bitch.

Sad bitch. (Ugh, I hate how I always fall prey to this show's manipulative editing and start hating the girl you're supposed to hate, only to feel guilt when she explains why she is the way that she is and how she finds softness through Jesus and et fucking cetera. That makes me a bitch, too: the show's.)

And finally, and most importantly...

...Head Bitch in Charge.

First of all, her first name for all intents and purposes, is Diva.

Second of all, her body-bending will make you feel both inadequate and very confused:

I'd ask WTF, but I have a feeling that Diva knows exactly TF, and it's so beyond my unfabulousness that I wouldn't even comprehend it if it were explained. If this little girl is this commanding at 9, I'm kind of scared for the future, because I feel like worldwide dictatorship isn't out of the question.

7. Oh yeah, there are pictures on this show.

This was "the best," but it was not the best.

Certainly, I get Kara's appeal now, and I do think that she knows how to work her angles in pictures (though in confessionals is a different story...

...knowwhatImean?) But I felt like this was mostly adequate, and as such, just an excuse not to give Erin the first picture this week, so that we don't realize what we already know: Erin is killing it and could very well take the whole thing.

I mean, yay for the avoidance of the completely obvious (lest we get another Teyona, who was clearly going to win from the first episode of last cycle on...oh, and what the hell is up with her not getting a My Life as a CoverGirl, btw? Sucky economy or her personal suckiness?). But even if this show makes you as stupid as it seems to want to, we're not that stupid. We get it. Erin is queen TM.

(I'm still pulling for Rae, but really: I give it up for Erin. The girl knows her way around a losing battle.)

Oh, but speaking of Erin...

...her bleached eyebrows are starting to grwo in, and now it just looks like she's frostbitten all the time. Here, let me complete the look:

Mostly, I just don't want Laura getting lonely. That's all.

8. I love that Jay's "new term" is "ish."

Cannot wait till he invents "shizzle!"

9. Sundai is sitting next to a bong.

Everyone's OK with this, I'm assuming. Especially Laura.

10. Not ANTM related, but I'm really excited for this new Scooby Doo prequel that was advertised during the show.

I've been waiting for years for Scooby and Shaggy to fuck, so you can imagine how big this moment is for me.

11. I would like to leave you with the same Autotuned goodbye that's been closing out every episode. Because words these days don't mean anything unless they're filtered through Autotune. And so, I bid you a fond, "Gonnabeooownne..." till next post.

Comments

[Linda]

First.

[MJ]

first? Loved it, as usual. I find my love for Laura growing by the day. And Erin, for some reason, reminds me of Hermione Granger sometimes. Am I the only one?

[Vanessa M]

So, I dunno. Kinda boring cycle right? I do feel that somewhere Laura is naked, eating cereal and laughing her ass off at the jpg of her imprisoned in the frozen foods next to Bubba Burgers.

I was curious why Tanisha didn't have MLACG spots after several episodes (because I have have a freakish level of curiosity about the world) and according the Live Journal ANTM group she is too busy modeling in South Africa? Which doesn't make much sense to me. Does that mean she didn't get the money? It's like some really petty personal wish fulfillment as she supplanted Saleisha as my least. favorite. winner. in.the. HIStory. of. Top. Model.

Also, if all you have to say is "First" you truly have nothing to say.

[Emily]

Amazing and hilarious as always. Thank you so much for making my Monday afternoon of studying for the GRE a little less boring.

[darek]

Great recap as always but you really think they're gonna let Erin have this? Don't see it at all. Perhaps Britany. Personally routing for Bloody Eyeball - lost cause, I know - but her pictures are so far the best.

[Jill]

Is it just me, or does Kara's nose look photoshopped in her "best photo"?

[HCRE]

erin sometimes reminds me of the chick from "my girl" though less now that she has the coloring of an albino.

[gi_janearng]

The fact they had to bring in a 9 year old to teach walking just shows how pathetic this show really is.

Also, Bianca(?) doesn't look like she's scowling, she looks like she's taking a huge dump in the hot tub.

[Golden J]

"Yeah, well I too am naked eating cereal right now, and I'm typing with my penis."

Rich...you're too hot to be making jokes like this. It teases me too much. In fact, I couldn't even really pay attention to the rest of the recap because I was just imagining you naked and slapping things with your penis.

In other news, I love Rae.

[Amanda]

Love you, as always. I wish you'd mentioned 'Top Model in Action' McKey whose notable accomplishments include getting dropped by Elite NY and shipped off to Chicago, and serving out her ANTM prizes. Yeah, badass career.

Anyway, gorgeous recap. Your bloody eyeball photo explanation thing made me laugh out loud, and I agree 100% with the categorization of Fun bitch/Bitchy bitch/Sad Bitch/HBIC. Wish Ashley's stankosity had left us first.

<3

[Abrego]

OMG...I love Laura! She always brings hillbilly joy to my heart! I also love Diva. America's Next Top Child Model!

And I was going to ask you about the My Life as a Covergirl (or lack there of). At least they brought back Models in Action, so we can hear all about the magazine covers we never knew existed and all the Wal-mart appearances.

Easy. Breezy. Mediocre. CoverGirl.

[juliet]

Did anyone else notice how at the end of the episode when they showed all of Lulu's photos back to back they photoshopped her mole out of some but not others??

[maggie]

I don't know why, but the scroll part made me laugh the hardest.

[Susheela]

Is it just me or is Laura modelling herself after Mary Cherry??

[?]

I actually think that McKey looks pretty good in some of her pics - you know the few where she is not sticking to Tyra's advice of looking like her BF punched her?

[Noel]

Typing with your penis is a visual I definitely needed. Also, totally feel that Laura is a sweet version of Mary Cherry from Popular with a mix of B-Ho.

[Gem]

"They're shorter than first-time sex."

Rich, you're the man & don't let anyone tell you differently. Mad love.

[Vicki]

"Cannot wait till he invents 'shizzle!'"

-I lost it at this one. So funny. Thank you for making a really crappy Monday SO much better. You, sir, are America's Next Top Awesome.

Teyona is so forgettable that I literally had to look up who won last cycle even though I watched it. I couldn't remember her at all. And "smize" is the final straw. Tyra will burn in hell for that. It makes me homicidal to hear it.

Also- Diva? The BEST "guest" they've ever had. Loved her shaming all the shorties.

[Flipper]

2 least Lulu can get a job as Jody Watley's mini me

http://www.musiccataloger.com/images/JODY%20WATLEY%20-%20JODEY%20WATLEY%20-%20CD_LG.JPG

[Vanessa M]

Oops, her name is "Teyonna" not "Tanisha." So memorable I've forgotten her.

I think Tanisha was the winner of Scream Queens and she was kind of awesome in fact.

[JM]

I knew that Lulu was going to end this episode with bags packed when she pulled out the chestnut about having a signature walk. Any girl who says more than once that she knows better than Miss J is so out the door it's ridiculous.

[jack]

Hey Rich,

Long time reader, first time commenter. I've only been able to catch this season so far on YouTube. With this past episode in particular, my browser was being dramatic. Lucky me, it led to this capture, which I thought you'd enjoy.

http://img180.imageshack.us/i/prettyparty01.jpg/

[twitter.com/steeele]

I love Laura. Natasha still has a place in my heart though. That was a good cycle.

Awesome recap, though I didn't watch this episode.

[Christina]

OK, so it has to be said that the 9 year old model is the creepiest thing I've ever seen on this show. A fucking NINE year old girl shouldn't be doing this shit. She should be playing with her friends and being a kid, not already being thrust into the modeling world. It's disgusting.

Anyway, Kara's picture was NOT the best. Bloody Eyeball's made her look tallest which was the point. But I did like how Kara wrapped the rope around her leg. That was a nice touch.

I'm really enjoying Laura so far, but this cycle is kind of blah, despite the ridiculous crap that's already happened (ie Smize, which is just pathetic in every way).

And Rich, I totally agree with you on The Reader. I didn't actually cry, but it kind of broke my heart a little bit and it made the story so much more interesting rather than the simple black-and-white I was expecting from a story about a Nazi prison guard.

[Lia]

Great recap, as usual.

Actually, I don't think this cycle is that bad (as long as you ignore "smize", of course). The only person left I really don't like (personality- and look-wise) is Ashley, and if we have a Nicole/Erin/Laura final 3, I'll be completely happy. Of course, that isn't going to happen, since now is the cycle of the token Asian winner (which should have been April back in cycle 2, in my opinion). I simply don't get Jennifer. Honestly, there have to be more gorgeous Asian girls under 5'7 in America than just one...

Oh, and I fear for Rae - I think she's getting the "great at the start and then constantly slipping"-edit, which means she won't last much longer.