Lu of averages

This right here?

Wish fulfillment.

For the first time in my life, Jay Manuel, I salute you.

28. Brittany

What is there left to say at this point about a girl on America's Next Top Model who's crying tears of relief after being set free from the psychic prison that is the Bottom 2? Well, for one thing, that it's a short girl who's crying tears of relief after being set free from the psychic prison that is the Bottom 2. That's something new.

29. Lulu

I don't really understand why Lulu's going home, but I don't care enough to complain about it, either.

30. Ashley

Ashley, however, does care. What is a top without her bottom? Hovering, I guess, for one thing.

31. Sundai

And just how did an obviously affected Sundai fit into this relationship? Was it less couple, more Chilli sandwich? I'm sadder than a fun bitch on a chopping block to report that we'll never know.

32. Lulu

Mmhmm. Yeah, Lulu. That's nice. I SAID WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

And here's more fun with not making heads or tails:

Tyraism of the Week. No. 1

"So ladies, this week, you had a photo shoot where you had to elongate yourself...And let me explain something, because I can see a lot of people saying, 'Well, if got petite models, why do they need to look taller?' I picked all of you guys because you are stunning. You are gorgeous. But unfortunately, that's not enough in high fashion. Gotta be able to appear taller if necessary. We don't want to give anybody an excuse not to hire us."

Um, people already have an excuse not to hire these girls: because they're fucking short. They're shorter than my pinky. They're shorter than first-time sex. They're shorter than a fly's lifespan and wingspan. They're shorter than a narcissist's attention span at group therapy. They're shorter than Wee-wee Herman. They're how-big-is-Sundai...?

...Soooooo biiiiiig-i.e.-short short.

And I thought the whole point of this fairytale cycle was to break out of the box and defy anyone who says the fashion industry has no place for shorter girls. I guess I misunderstood: the point is to elongate yourself within the box.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"See? Ptosis is something that you have that is nobody else's business."

Indeed. Did you know that "ptosis" is Latin for "period of the face?" Those more familiar with the condition refer to it as the eternal visit from Aunt Pto. True story! I wouldn't lie.

1. I'm just going to start with this because I love it. Seriously, I'm very pleased with myself.

You know how they were raving about Bloody Eyeball's photo (I believe Tyra said she looked 5'13", which is actually an effective way of conveying Bloody Eyeball's impossible tallness in this shot #tyraisthenewwhitman)? And how someone (I think Nigel) suggested that she was standing on Sundai's shoulders? Well, he was close. Here's really how that thing worked:

I refrained from showing the see through image above Bloody Eyeball's knees out of respect for her modesty (you know the old adage: "Above the knee is as good as pussy," right?), and what I suspect is a no-panties policy. (She just seems like the hippie and/or forgetful type.)

Anyway, ta da!

2. Last week, I went through all of the episode's recurring themes that I could find. This week, I have a new batch. Hopefully, I can make ANTM Hot (i.e. Real Life Lukewarm) a recurring feature. (I'd really like to call it What's New in Nails, after a line from an old CoverGirl Beauty Tip of the Week, but I know I have to at least try to make some semblance of sense, lest I wind up just in some corner somewhere babbling and guffawing to myself and I'm at, like, 3 o'clock and the corner's at 4:30, so I'm not gonna push it, K?)

Anyway, before the new ones, here's the continuation of one from last week:

More conjoined things. Rubber ducks? That's crazy! What's next, soap? This show is sooo out there!

Now for a new motif...

...scowling.

...and a motif within the motif...

...the half-scowl...

It's really inspiring that everyone's so glad to be here. I can't even tell you.

A slightly related motif belongs solely to Lulu...

...the ubiquitous eye roll...

My favorite shots are the ones where you can only see the whites of her eyes. It's like she rolled her eyes so hard, she built up enough momentum to transport her to Zombieland. I should have taken this as foreshadowing, as she was essentially walking dead this entire episode.

The next theme was a particularly frustrating one...

...the gif gone awry. Whatever weird "Thriller"-ness (speaking of zombies!) is going down between Rae and Brittany was destroyed by a quick cut away. I guess we got Ashley's criss-crossing in full, so not all was lost. But god damn it, I wanted to see the funk of 40,000 years made fashion!

Here's another one destroyed by editing. Seriously guys, let it ride. It benefits us all. Right now it just looks like Tyra's tweeting (like a bird, not a Twitterer), but I know she was about to open up her face and let the demons in, grizzly ghoul that she is.

And finally:

Fuck that photographer for obstructing our view and ruining what was possibly the gif of the cycle so far. I wanted to see Laura loosen up by shaking like Olive Oyl in distress and, damn it, this guy had to do his job. This is really the only salvageable section:

...and that makes me so, so sad.

3. But not for long because I have yet another Pretty Party led by Laura's childlike glee at the prospect of...everything that comes her way on this show:

I don't know if she's high all the time, or if being Laura is just like being high all of the time, but whatever she's smoking or not smoking, it's clearly working for her.

(Actually, she said, "I'd be in Seventeen magazine. I just couldn't think of anything better." So I'm gonna actually go with straight-up high, because, seriously? Advertorial work is nice and all, but I think a bar of chocolate and a foot rub is almost as good. I feel like if someone showed Laura something shiny, she'd have a whole new thing that she couldn't think of anything better than.)

Also, it's been noted that Laura has been keeping a blog regarding her ANTM journey, Laura's Model Life. It is as charming as you might expect. (It'a also kind of touching re: her latest entry on dyslexia. But then, I'm a sucker for problems with dyslexia and literacy for some reason. Seriously, I cried while watching The Reader, not because of the ill-fated romance, but because Kate Winslet's Nazi pedophile character's problems with reading just broke my heart.) Here's a sample line from a post last week: "Many of you think it was so funny that I love nudity, but what many of you don’t know is right now, as we speak, I’m naked eating cereal writing this to y’all hahahahahhahahaha!" Yeah, well I too am naked eating cereal right now, and I'm typing with my penis. So, hahahahahhahahaha ha, y'all! Your move, model.

4. But you know, I think if Laura talks about using the frozen-food aisle as her runway one more time...

...we're going to have to lock her up there. I'm sure she'd be thrilled at the prospect.

5. And speaking of walking, I was so glad to be privy to Miss J's runway tips and teats. Hey Miss J, how long are the nipples on those teats?

How fantastic.

I have to say that as much as Miss J has the capacity to annoy the shit out of a constipated saint, he was kind of great during the teach teats.

"We can see what you're thinkin'," is a fantastic thing to say to someone who clearly isn't thinking very much, per her walk, career path and gluttony for punishment that signing up for this show bespeaks.

"You walk as though your right leg isn't yours," he said to Erin. Given that she's basically the frontrunner, it really isn't hers. It's Tyra's.

6.Oh, and how bitchy were Lulu and Ashley?

All the shit they talked could have filled up scrolls. Bitch-Eeeee Scrolls, even.

My favorite critiques of theirs were ones that called out shit the girls couldn't do anything about, like when Lulu said that Brittany's eyes were "piercing" (“But I do have piercing eyes! It’s just, like, how I look!”) or when Ashley told Bianca to put her eyebrows down. What an impossible request. Bianca doesn't have any eyebrows to put down.

And just in case you need categorizing a la Cycle 9's Bianca:

Fun bitch. (Relatively, of course -- sometimes, i.e. on this show and this show alone, eye-rolling is enough to make someone fun by comparison.)

Bitchy bitch.

Sad bitch. (Ugh, I hate how I always fall prey to this show's manipulative editing and start hating the girl you're supposed to hate, only to feel guilt when she explains why she is the way that she is and how she finds softness through Jesus and et fucking cetera. That makes me a bitch, too: the show's.)

And finally, and most importantly...

...Head Bitch in Charge.

First of all, her first name for all intents and purposes, is Diva.

Second of all, her body-bending will make you feel both inadequate and very confused:

I'd ask WTF, but I have a feeling that Diva knows exactly TF, and it's so beyond my unfabulousness that I wouldn't even comprehend it if it were explained. If this little girl is this commanding at 9, I'm kind of scared for the future, because I feel like worldwide dictatorship isn't out of the question.

7. Oh yeah, there are pictures on this show.

This was "the best," but it was not the best.

Certainly, I get Kara's appeal now, and I do think that she knows how to work her angles in pictures (though in confessionals is a different story...

...knowwhatImean?) But I felt like this was mostly adequate, and as such, just an excuse not to give Erin the first picture this week, so that we don't realize what we already know: Erin is killing it and could very well take the whole thing.

I mean, yay for the avoidance of the completely obvious (lest we get another Teyona, who was clearly going to win from the first episode of last cycle on...oh, and what the hell is up with her not getting a My Life as a CoverGirl, btw? Sucky economy or her personal suckiness?). But even if this show makes you as stupid as it seems to want to, we're not that stupid. We get it. Erin is queen TM.

(I'm still pulling for Rae, but really: I give it up for Erin. The girl knows her way around a losing battle.)

Oh, but speaking of Erin...

...her bleached eyebrows are starting to grwo in, and now it just looks like she's frostbitten all the time. Here, let me complete the look:

Mostly, I just don't want Laura getting lonely. That's all.

8. I love that Jay's "new term" is "ish."

Cannot wait till he invents "shizzle!"

9. Sundai is sitting next to a bong.

Everyone's OK with this, I'm assuming. Especially Laura.

10. Not ANTM related, but I'm really excited for this new Scooby Doo prequel that was advertised during the show.

I've been waiting for years for Scooby and Shaggy to fuck, so you can imagine how big this moment is for me.

11. I would like to leave you with the same Autotuned goodbye that's been closing out every episode. Because words these days don't mean anything unless they're filtered through Autotune. And so, I bid you a fond, "Gonnabeooownne..." till next post.

Comments

[Benny Lava]

I am in full belief that Laura is channeling the character spirit of Miss Mary Cherry from WB's Popular... at least that's my fantasy.

[spazmo]

I don't know, Christina, maybe modeling is the PERFECT thing for a nine-year-old to be doing. It's just dress-up and making faces, after all. Kids do that anyway.

When Diva gets all that out of her system, grows up, graduates from college with a PHD in Bioengineering and gets her first grant from an international medical research conglomerate, well...at least she won't be tempted to ditch it all in a misguided, naive attempt at being a famous swimsuit model. Because she knows better. And because her name will still be "Diva Davanna".

Great recap, Rich. That fading Oompa Loompa GIF was da shizzle! (-ish!)

[Michael]

Glad Lulu is gone, her and Ashley's bitch-ass-ness took away my total disdain for Bianca, at least for a moment.

Erin takes fab pictures, but the bleached eyebrows make her look like an iced yeti in all the regular video footage. PLUS i still don't think her picture last week was that great - she had Rocky Horror makeup on.

Brittany I felt bad for. She didn't pose like that for the entire shoot, and they reemed her for doing that pose - surely she had a better "Best Shot." I think they just wanted to take her down a notch.

I don't see Erin winning, she seems to have absolutely no personality, altho it looks like that will all change next week.

I'm still rooting for Rae, Nicole or Britany. And somehow still Allison from last season...

[Michael]

Oh and Laura. I love Laura. I think if she were to win, she'd die from a joy-splosion

[Shauna]

So when I was teaching my 3rd graders today one said, completely out of the blue "smize." I don't remember what I was talking about at the time but I completely stopped and looked at him and was like, "Excactly, smize." And then they all asked what it was and I told them and they wanted me to show them. So I did my best Tyra Banks expression for them, they all laughed and we moved on, but kinda weird how ANTM follows you around life.

Meanwhile, Bloody Eyeball has grown on me, Rae hasn't been as good as her first picture, and Erin's knocking them out of the park. And you're right, you can't help but love Laura, I hope she stays around.

Thanks for brightening my Mondays and giving me a reason to keep watching that insane show!

[Jawn]

Miss Jennifer's Tips & Teats:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ptosis_%28breasts%29

[KD]

when seen from behind, the photographer in the gif-gone-wrong of laura/olive oyl in distress looks so much like vincent from season 3 of proj run! i was sent into the deepest reverie remembering "justify my continued presence in this competition." thanks for the memories, rich.

[Mel]

Awesome recap :D

Have you noticed that at panel, all the girls are wearing flats? And didn't Tyra use to flip her shit about that in previous cycles? I suppose it's also why she's also showing up in 5" heels every week. We get it, Tyra, we really do.

[Bobbie]

Your gif of Bloody Eyeball and the Oompa Loompa is just genius.

[Jen]

Erin = Mena Suvari. Seriously

[Anne Marie]

http://fourfour.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b8c369e20120a5f98954970c-pi
http://hollywoodismyhood.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/denise-richards.jpg

Kara is totally Denise Richards.

[ger]

I'd like to help with that naked penis typing thing

[Laura @ Hungry and Frozen]

Hilarious. Haven't watched this in ages but love catching up on these recaps all the same. I don't know if this has been mentioned but I think Laura looks a bit like Caissie Levy, currently on Broadway as Sheila in Hair...

[Anna]

Not loving this recap. :(

[matthew]

Kara= Gabrielle Anwar

[Account Deleted]

lol at the last gif....Scooby Doo will never be the same for me...thanx for tainting my childhood memories.

[Dandy Darkly]

Diva stomped it out. Rich you gotta go check out her fashion shows on youtube and her website. She's in a giant bubble on the runway! A BUBBLE, MAN!

[DLCS]

Can't stop fearing for Kara's left breast. If it pops out and runs away like it obviously wants to, it's going to be very lost and alone.

Laura (lovelovelove) exists in a world of perpetual kitten-watching, sparkly things, and cupcakes. Anyone else want to move there with me?

"Bloody Eyeball and The Oompa Loompa" is the best band name EVER.

[Danielle]

Oh fucking hilarious.

I have only seen one episode from cycle thirteen (so far), but if I were to choose a winner, it would be Bloody Eyeball. She is my type of awesome.

Not that it matters much, since everyone on this show dooms their career, but oh well, if that is what they want, so be it!

Tyra Banks makes me cringe though. "Smize" is never ever going to happen, get over yourself Tyra!

[cloudy]

ANOTHER OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO GREAT RECAP!

[Faith]

Thanks again Rich for a great recap! This episode was a little dry for me, aside from Bloody Eyeballs hugeness and the oompa loompa if [that was fan-fuckin-tastic] and Ashley thinkin she runs the house. Shes a cunty lil model, isnt she?

im glad lulu is one, despite how much i liked her pre-tyover.

[Allison]

Thank god Ashley's getting the boot this week!

[jubilat]

omg. were you angry when you wrote this? 'cause it's brilliant. thank you for making me chortle - great gifs and screen caps. i almost fell in love with antm again.

[sado nado]

ok so i'm confused, is this 'short cycle' trying to celebrate short models or that models can look tall no matter what their height is?

aiyy tyra make up your mind! this episode was all about looking tall, but i've noticed that they NEVER wear heels during elimination get it guys? these girls are SHORT! in this episode, Lulu leaves the panel with flats but enters the house in heels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPkhrSeB20Q (5:15 to 5: 21)

sigh i'm a sado for noticing this

[prodigal reader]

I love Laura's blog. So so so much. Damn is that girl a sweetie. I think that's the first time in a decade I've read 'lol' and not wanted to punch my monitor.

So this new picture on my web site reminds me why rope is not in fashion… because it’s definitely not comfy. You get rope burn in places a burn should never be. I ain’t never seen so much rope splinters flying around, I think the stylist had to wear safety glasses. I think my hair came right out of an 80’s magazine, and I had more hair spray on than I did for prom. Lol.

I heart that girl.