The clip above comes from a VHS I recently found called StrangerSmart. It features Kareem Abdul Jabbar jabbering in monotone about the dangers of strangers, among things. Having spent the bulk of my childhood in the '80s, this appeals to me on a fundamental level. The stranger propaganda then was so fanatical (between after-school specials, regular specials and very special episodes of sitcoms) that I was afraid to walk to my bus stop until I was, like, 12. But whatever, I never got kidnapped, so I guess it paid to believe the hype. Anyway, I cannot believe how wonderful the casting in the video above is -- even if the acting is stilted, each of these peole is creepy enough to be an actual sex-offending stranger. Seriously, they give me chills. All of them. I'll never again be able to help someone change the batteries in their Gameboy without convulsing. Also, I love the recap at the end. Remember to avoid helping, being famous, having fun, getting a job, affection, authority (especially when the authority comes in the form of pizza delivery!) and hero, kids. Your life might not be fulfilling, but at least you won't end up in somebody's cage.
I like how during the recap the pizza delivery man's face came up when he said "hero".
Posted by: Birdie | September 18, 2009 at 11:44 AM
Thanks, Rich! I learned something new and I picked up some new Halloween costume ideas.
Posted by: kathotdog | September 18, 2009 at 11:58 AM
Stranger Danger!
Posted by: dee | September 18, 2009 at 12:10 PM
The "I'll kill your dog" guy is super creepy. It was all fun and games until that guy!
Thanks for the laughs!
Posted by: famousamy | September 18, 2009 at 12:14 PM
oh and all this was re-enacted with hand puppets in class rooms across america. Thankfully, this post gives me the yes feeling. If only I could chance upon prime vhs movies like this.
Posted by: Dodger | September 18, 2009 at 12:15 PM
WOW! That was hilarious. I mean, some of those things were so ridiculous. But the one who said he was shooting a movie was the creepiest to me. Ugh.
Posted by: Cat | September 18, 2009 at 12:18 PM
I agree, "I'll kill your dog" was amazing. The batteries in the gameboy thing was so convoluted -- I'm playing with my daughter's gameboy (why??) but it's out of batteries (huh?) but I have some extra in my car (who does that??) so can you come help me put them in (how harrowing is replacing batteries? even a dumb kid would wonder why an adult with functioning hands would need help for this). In sum, I love it.
Posted by: ihaveneverbeforeinmylifeyelledatagirllikethis | September 18, 2009 at 12:31 PM
Oh my god, "Hero" ... Get in the car I want to take your picture?? How does that relate to "hero" at all??? Huh??? Rich as usual, the stuff you find - absolute perfection.
Posted by: sf2223 | September 18, 2009 at 12:44 PM
Bad touch! Bad touch!
Posted by: steele | September 18, 2009 at 12:45 PM
I still freak out if a car pulls up and asks me for directions as I'm walking around the neighborhood. I'm 28. That stranger danger business was INGRAINED.
Posted by: DangerMouse | September 18, 2009 at 12:50 PM
The 'threats' guy is the best. He looks like DJ Hurricane with a Ringo wig. When I was in 3rd grade there was a rumor going around that a man driving a blue van was kidnapping kids all over Long Island. As a result I had recurring nightmares about spending the rest of my days in some creepy mustached dude's basement.
Posted by: Gillian | September 18, 2009 at 01:06 PM
Wait were there even enough kidnappings to have ELEVEN most common types?
As a hormonal gay tween, I was practically begging to be picked up by a strange man as I would play Sailor Moon out on my driveway
Posted by: dirty blonde | September 18, 2009 at 01:10 PM
The Hero Trap stranger is Dov Charney in 15 years.
And I need the Getting Famous guy to stop touching underage feet. So creepy and awkward from 0:30 - 0:34. There are no words for Threats Trap stranger. No words.
Posted by: Olivia Newton John | September 18, 2009 at 01:27 PM
I have to say that the cop guy at the beginning is sort of 80's hot. Sue me. I'm at 80's kid too so EVERYONE always talked about getting kidnapped. How any kid got taken during those years is beyond me with all of this "education" taking place.
Posted by: sonny | September 18, 2009 at 02:05 PM
Kidnapping and fear of cults. It's a wonder any of us got any sleep.
That kid running away from the car was especially funny to me.
Posted by: Syd | September 18, 2009 at 02:27 PM
FACT:
I heard about the password thing and my parents and I had one. No, you may not know it.
Also that guy who is gonna kill the dog is TERRIFYING.
Posted by: Liz | September 18, 2009 at 02:29 PM
I still don't know why I can help Mason Reese take his groceries to the car
Posted by: Gnome King | September 18, 2009 at 03:22 PM
if you tell anyone about our little secret, i'll kill your dog!
Posted by: pete | September 18, 2009 at 03:49 PM
This is both absolutely hilarious and absolutely terrifying at the same time. It also made me want to see Hard Candy again.
Posted by: Jason C. Romero | September 18, 2009 at 04:46 PM
The movie directory guy looks like Perez Hilton.
Posted by: Stephanie | September 18, 2009 at 07:01 PM
Holy Creeper McCreeperson!
Posted by: emaco | September 18, 2009 at 07:43 PM
It's hilarious when the Being Famous guy taps the kid's feet and he (or she) sloooowwwwwwwwly pulls them out of the shot over the next few seconds.
Posted by: Liz | September 18, 2009 at 07:56 PM
i seriously still crackin' up over the "hero"...how the fuck does dude taking your pic make you a hero?? this is all soo bitter sweet...and nostalgic. please keep raiding your old vhs for gems like this, rich.
Posted by: mara | September 18, 2009 at 09:58 PM
I like the pizza delivery authority figure.
Posted by: Bobbie | September 18, 2009 at 11:33 PM
Oh my god, the kill your dog guy sounds like one of my friends so I was fucking DYING when he came on. omg, can't stop laughing. I'll have to show this to him.
Posted by: Vi | September 19, 2009 at 12:57 AM