Taking the boot off

This show makes no sense! How the hell are they going to throw out the only girl with a signature walk this early?

Here's what I mean:

I keep hearing The Munsters' theme song in out-of-synch rounds when I look at that gif wall (and I put it after the jump so that the loading didn't slow down the front page of my blog - god knows that I hate to hold people up, lest I become the online equivalent of the Times Square tourists that I encounter on a daily basis that won't get out of my way oh god, why won't they get out of my way?!?!).

I cry, they cry, we all cry.

21. & 22. Laura and Rachel

The fact that, per the pamphlet of reality show cliches, they could leave at any time doesn't make those surprise eliminations any easier, I suppose (sniff, sniff).

23. Rachel

You guys, here's why this is such a big loss:

OK? Amazing? Rachel said that when it was announced that she was going home after leaving that Wilhelmina guy unimpressed during her preliminary go-see, she was "expecting someone to pop out and go, ‘Just kidding!’" Well, when she made the face that she did in the gif above moments before that, I was expecting pegs to pop out of her face, for you see...

...she is waaaay Martian Popping Thing-esque. And I hate that we're losing such an amusing, slightly genital-ish toy.

24. Courtney

Posing with her boot on made her feel disabled. That's because she was, maybe? Don't blame the modeling for your cheerleading injury. The camera loves you; it doesn't hardcore tumble you.

25. Bianca

Well, the good news is that we'll have a guaranteed source of tension for at least one more week. I hate that Bianca's brand of crazy, though, is kind of rickety, slow and boring. She's like my Uncle Joe, except he's prettier.

26. Lulu

It does not surprise me that this girl has compassion for her fallen sister. She seems nice. Seriously.

27. Courtney

And here, people, is why Courtney is such a loss:

Homegirl gave Tyra the side-eye and lived. She wasn't immediately backhanded or struck down by lightening bolts created in Jay Manuel's poppers bottle. Granted, the side-eye was in response to the best line of the cycle so far (Tyra asked if the pepperoni inspiration for Courtney's smize was, "turkey pepperoni or real pork swine"), and really it was the least Courtney could do in response to such nonsense. However, to paraphrase Anna Nicole cousin's Shelly after she went swimming in a pool at night in 50-degree weather, but she did it!

Of course, it was an episode of great lines. Smize, anyone?

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

Obvious, obligatory, essential. I mean, really, as ridiculous as this whole flea circus of the mouth was, you have to hand it to Tyra and her people for always coming up with new ways to convey the same shit they teach every cycle. That can't be easy. Plus, it keeps learning hip and fun. It's the equivalent of studying rap lyrics in English class or sexual positions in geometry. Urban Dictionary tells us that smize also means to smoke pot and, in a separate entry, to ejaculate in someone's eye. I think it's safe to say that this whole smize thing occurred to Tyra after she'd been shot in the eye while smoking pot. It was one of those lightning-in-a-poppers-bottle moments. I'm just so happy all the elements came together.

(That's not sparkle, it's ejaculate, btw.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Super Smize had to go on a run, actually. She got a distress call from some girls that were taking their senior-class portraits and they didn't know how to smize, so Tyra's here!"

It's great that she was able to tie up Super Smize's narrative, since half of these girls would have been so confused if they just encountered her in plainclothes without an explanation. Because her behavior isn't defined by its arbitrary nature or anything like that. They would have been all, "B-b-b-but, I thought she was a crime fighter, the biggest crime of all being not smiling with your eyes, of course!" She is girls, she is. She's just usually a lot more humble and less cape-wearing about it. Also very impressive that Tyra was able to squeeze out a round of applause. What can I say? The girl's on top of her game.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"You're pointing that toe, which is so nice. I call that modeling H-to-T, head to toes, honey. Modeling H-to-T."

I don't have anything to say about this, really (except to note that, disappointingly, this Tyraism did not start with a crazy kiss). However, aspirations of posterity implore that I post it.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"The judges, our hearts go out to this leg that is hurting!"

While their hearts are doing that, can their lips go out to my ass, please? It's hurting.

OK, before anything else...

1. Look at this :

Look at it!

Sweet Anne of Pink Labia, look at it.

Cameltoe is just inherently amusing. It's like the farts of the front side. This made my week. I mean, very few things could detract from the Oompa Loompa nature of the outfits these girls were made to wear...

But, behold: the power of cameltoe!

Oh, and I only want to spend a second on the smizing challenge since it was entirely ridiculous starting with the de facto name of it (I call that H-to-T nonsense) and continuing through the fact that...

...their mouths were covered during it. Why? I thought the whole point of smizing (and yeah, now I'm using it as a verb, too, without any quotes -- I drank the Kool-Aid and then I smized, for it was good) was that you do it with your eyes and not your mouth, as it's not called smouthing. And the fact is that it's easier to smize when you're smouthing -- the skill lies in being able to turn the mouth off, and if it's covered, who knows what's going on under there? There could be a bottle of poppers and no one would know. Ugh! Why didn't anyone think of this?!?

Also, Lulu was going to win no matter what...

...since her eyes are just naturally upturned. Tilt your head to the left and imagine her eye is the smile under two eyes...

She's smizing, and so are the eyes that are on top of her smize. The girl can't lose!

2. The second thing that made my week?

Fucking Mama Makeup on ANTM? Yeah, I'm sad about Sutan (I guess this means he's gone, right?), but I can't cry too hard as the woman who was drugged and then ass raped (or whatever -- she was just dancing like this [arms over head]) and then laughed at by Madonna in Truth or Dare is a pretty fucking great consolation prize. I bet Tyra's 10 times the bitch that Madonna was to work for. Good luck, Mama (if we can still call her that, since that's a designation Tyra tends to like for herself in reference to the girls she's toying with and doesn't really care about).

3. Now, I'd like to go through some of the major themes of the week (besides batshit-craziness-in-a-superhero-costume). The first is surprise:

Or, as I like to call it, srize.

As with the smizing challenge, covering one's mouth helps one emote when given the task of srizing:

This is just for future reference, the next time you want to convey shock be it on film or after your Britney Spears-T-shirt-wearing, gym-sauna-frequenting, tardy-for-the-party boy BFF informs you that he's gay.

The second motif:

Conjoinment (that's not a word, but I don't know how else to say it - I'm talkin' 'bout attachment in the fused-in-the-womb manner). Be it with beauty...

...or beast, conjoinment is very in this cycle.

The third? Puppet imitation.

Tyra did this and all I could think was, yipyipyipyipyipyipyipyipyip.

And it looks like the hand up Bianca's ass just balled into a near-fist. At least she has a place to put her weirdly resented dishes when the hand comes out.

Oh, while we're on the subject, I love this quote from Bianca: "I can be my own enemy." Yeah, she's that big of a bitch. Hey Bianca...

...stop hitting yourself!

4. The fourth motif gets its own element because it's also the subject of the first Cycle 13 PRETTY PARTY:

Whoo-hoo! The motif: Laura's joy. I don't even need to throw a Pretty Party for her: she's a walking party in the guise of a woman.

"I'm thrilled to work with the horse, and it's nude and that makes me even more thrilled because I just like nud-it-y," she said on the source of much of her glee. And I just like when Laura likes things. There's something about her perpetual joy that would, in other circumstances, make me throw up in response to the rainbows pouring out of her. But for some reason, I'm taking Laura's presence here as proof that there's still good in the world. Love her lots.

Oh and for her similar amount of endearment, joy and prettiness...

...Lulu can co-host the Party.

5. Oh, another (hopefully) cycle-wide motif?

Bloody Eyeball's transformation to Harry Knowles. She's getting Knowlesier every episode, it seems. If she's not riding a wheelchair by the end of her time on the show, I'm going to feel really cheated.

6. "My main focus this week is my left eye," said Jennifer...

This being smize week, you can see how her ptosis might be a problem. She cracked up at the absurdity of her one solution...

"I'm thinking that I can lift this eyebrow, like I think it evens out my eyes, except my eyebrows are uneven!" She should follow the precedent set by another cute, diminutive girl by the name of Lisa Lopes and slap a condom over the problematic eye...

(Really, that's why Left Eye did it: because her left eye was more squinty than the right. Also, I love that yellow condoms in such a package look like sunny-side-up eggs as prepared by Britney Spears in "Womanizer"). Given that Sundai is Chilli with T-Boz's haircut...

...I believe this signals yet another motif (although it's been very hard this recap not to refer to Sundai as Beef Noodles).

7. Hey look, everyone, it's Lauren Conrad:

And if you could see me, right now, you'd be looking at someone who couldn't care less. I've never seen an episode of The Hills. I've never wanted to see an episode of The Hills or spend any time with the people she opportunistically surrounds herself with and/or despises. My impression of Lauren Conrad is that she is a boring person who has done a great job at seeming slightly less boring. The end. Posterity rears its potential head yet again.

8. More than even Halle Berry in Losing Isaiah, I feel like the female gremlin in Gremlins 2 is a crutch of a reference for me. It always pops up like an annoying mogwai. That said...

...Bianca is extremely girlishly gremlin-like in this get-up. I mean, she's in drag, is what it is, basically.

I cannot believe that this was kept over Courtney's meh-but-not-nearly-as-bad-as-was-made-out shot...

Actually, I can believe it, since Bianca's bringing the bitching, while all Courtney brought was a bum leg and that was a struggle every step of the way (literally!).

Oh, I guess also Courtney complained about Jay at judging which is about as fucking stupid as showing up to this show without even a pack of stock answers and lies to dispense when someone asks you your favorite fashion magazines/designers/photographers (ahem, Lulu!), but that's why we watch, right? I can at least speak for myself and assert that I'm in it for the fucking stupid.

Moving on, Erin's picture...

...was entirely overpraised, I thought. She looks mannish and miserable, a la Cathy Moriarty in Soapdish. Mr. Fuzzy is Tyra's.

My fav, actually, was Lulu's:

But I think that's mostly because she's giving major Lady Miss Kier face (minus the drugs). And I like Lady Miss Kier and so I say: flawless.

9. I think it helps to point out that because I have the show set to tape a minute ahead of time, this is the first image that my DVR captured during its recording of ANTM this week:

Given the level of hamminess that we were privy to in this episode (which I'd say was in the Top 10 of all time, btw), I should have taken it as foreshadowing.

10. The little horse who made a big difference...

...would like to bid you goodbye. Let's all shake things up this week, people. Let's all be Seabuiscuit.

Comments

[Jhg812]

Not first! Amazing recap!

[Jess]

BLOODY EYEBALL herself was in my best friend's studio art class this year. And, apparently, she is quite nice and does not mention the bloodiness/lack thereof in her eyeball on a regular basis. Which I, somehow, find hard to believe?

[Office Girl]

Every time i see L.C. I think Marcia Brady.

[Mark]

My ass Lauren Conrad is a designer. Hey sort of famous women: stop saying you are also good at designing clothes-- looking at you, Lindsay Lohan.

[Sarah]

Bianca looked like a discount RuPaul.

Great recap!

[Sarah]

Did anybody else think that Erin's eye makeup was distractingly uneven?

BRING BACK SUTAN!!!!!

[Fresca]

Oh my, I must've been drunk not to notice all of that camel toe! That's so hilariously horrible, or horribly hilarious. One or the other. And you are so right-- Lulu does have Lady Miss Kier face! I love it. Hope she sticks around for a long time.

[?]

Courtney was robbed!

Bianca sucks.

and the level of "campy" bad overacting by Tyra is insane. And any gal with a brain is going to be punished for not playing along.

[Ms G]

I'm sorry, but I have to yell:
I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE about that damn Lauren Conrad!! I never NOR have I had any desire to get to know anything that has to do with her or the evil ilk that surrounds her.

[JJ]

I had to literally stop and laugh for 10-seconds after reading: "Or, as I like to call it, srize."

[Deedee]

Bianca looked so Wesley Snipes in To Wong Foo, it was crazy!

[Storm Keas]

Mama Mama Makeup!

[Vanessa]

Sutan was the only likable regular left. Noooooo! But in other news, it is great to see Mama Makeup is still working altho I would hate to forever be known as the girl whose bloody hiney brought Madonna amusement.

(still, I really liked Sutan. Why?)

Courtney was annoying and boring. Bianca is too but is the cycle bitch I suppose and will hence stay around. I'm not finding much of anything that exciting this cycle but I do love Laura and love she's being given a prominent edit which I take to mean she will be around a while. Yay. Also, I will enjoy talk of smizing much more now that I know it involves jizz in the eye.

[Mon]

Bianca's picture was so awful that I can't understand why she stayed. She looked like RuPaul but less womanly.
And Rachel's elimination was just ridiculous :(

[DLCS]

Dear Diablo Cody,

Please write a movie called "Jennifer's Wonky Left Eye" and include a scene in which someone performs a literal smize and then is clubbed repeatedly in the head with an air cast. Thank you.

My hairdresser looks like Sutan.

[maria c]

sutan made an appearance in the last canada's next top model. i'm not sure what that means, but there it is.

oh, and tyra, stop trying to make 'smize' happen. it's like she consciously made a choice that she wasn't famous enough, and needed to pull a rachel ray and colbert and come up with some word that would permeate pop culture. FAIL.

[Noel]

A Truth or Dare reference and a Gremlins reference in one post! I couldn't ask for more.

[Liz]

LOVE IT! Smizing is such a joke, I mean its real but those contests were jokes.

p.s.
rich did you see the guys who went mariah crazy on oprah? one is on ONTD and is on twitter too, he's a doll. I need to find the ep for download to make caps for him

[Clarice]

Rich, thanks for the recap!

Bianca reminded me of Donatella Muppet in her photo this week.

[steele]

I wish there were a side by side of the drag gremlin and Bianca because you are SO. RIGHT. Dead on. Maybe you're trying to deflect the recurrence of the jelly bag submissions?

Awesome as per usual.

[Lauren]

I'm so glad you mentioned the camel-toes! As soon as I saw them I was thinking "PLEASE let it be on the recap!"

I'm also pleased as punch you mentioned Courtney's eye roll at Tyra. I claim it now, and will always claim it:
That's why she got kicked off. You don't roll eyes at Tyra

[RD]

LIZ!!!!

(ahem)

Tyra actually spells her abbreviation of "head to toe" H2T, per her Twitter (which may be one of the most ridiculous Twitter accounts ever seen on Twitter). Otherwise this recap is on point.

[Leroy]

In Erin's photo, she reminded me of Pris in Blade Runner after she's spray-painted herself in the eyes.

Roy: There's only two of us now.
Pris: Then we're stupid and we'll die.

(Which happens to be one of my favorite movie lines.)

[J]

I can't explain how disappointed I was in this weeks eliminations, or how many times I rolled my eyes and cringed at Tyra...

[spazmo]

Now that your mention it, Rich, I've never found your GIFs slowing down my page loads at all. Obviously, you've perfected the fine art of GIFing to such a degree they're like gossamer, or those fine boutique-bakery puff pastries.

And when I finally DO visit Times Square, there's no chance of me getting out of your way. No chance in hell, buddy. Great recap.