Comedy album of the year!

Shakira strikes me as the kind of person who likes to pee on people. It doesn't feel like a sexual hypothetical pee -- just a matter-of-fact one. Maybe she doesn't even enjoy it; it is just something she does the way other people crack their knuckles or chew on their own hair. I have a few reasons for believing this: the way that she moves suggests someone so invested in the art of public urination that she has many different techniques. Her gestures in the "She-Wolf" video alone make me believe that this is a skill honed through lots of practice. Here are three of them:

 

I just imagine the urine streaming out in all of these shots, particularly in the gif, as she lifts her leg (so wolf-like!) and pivots a la a sprinkler. All of this makes me want to start referring to her as "Shapeera." Perhaps I will from now on.

I remember when I first decided that Shakira was a dedicated pisser. It was many years ago...

I loved "Whenever, Wherever," because it reminded me of an ABBA song in ways that I still can't fully articulate. It just feels like one to me. Some people feel like people-peers, some songs feel like ABBA. I really loved its follow-up single, "Underneath Your Clothes," mostly for the line, "There's the man I chose, there's my territory." She's calling him her territory, thus marking him. She's pissing with her words. All the bladder-based movements and canid comparisons just fell into place after that.

Among the many hilarious lines on her charming new album She-Wolf is, "The grass is much greener with us on it." This is funny because it is not true: I'm quite sure that Shakira leaves brown grass in her wake. Play with your cliches all you want, Shapeera, we know you're just going to end up pissing on them in the end.

She-Wolf doesn't come out in the States until late next month, but I'm sick of fucking waiting to write about it because it's been so good to me. It speaks to me very fundamentally, as the particularly disco tracks have an Italo vibe -- they're sleazy, highly synthesized and sung by a lunatic who you often suspect doesn't fully understand what she's singing. I don't know if Shakira is a slow language learner or just extremely fanciful, but the stuff she does with English on this album is extremely special. It's so special that I will share my Top 5 She-Wolf lines with you now:

TIE 5. "Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent." / "I’m starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office." ("She-Wolf")
4. "Why wait for later? I’m not a waiter." ("Why Wait")
3. "I’m so happy I should get sued." ("Long Time")
2. "Hope the French fleas both eat you alive." ("Mon Amour")
1. "I wish I had longer legs that I could fasten to your body so you’d take me with you everywhere." ("Long Time")

I think that the real reason she wants longer legs is to perfect her arc.

Elsewhere, she sings of a man's "eloquent hands," surveys the Hollywood scene and laments ("Damon’s not meant for me!" as in Matt) and hopes that in addition to those French fleas, her ex-lover's trip is plagued by a smelly hotel room with a toilet that doesn't flush. The lesson is that you must smell of pee whether or not you are still involved with Shakira. Fuck with her and you are marked.

I'm sure you already know what this woman sounds like, but it is important to note that she sings many of these lines as though she is gargling a fish. There is something floppy in her throat. Perhaps her uvula is enlarged. I would not put anything past her biologically. Her vocals are peppered with a series of yelps and grunts that I have assembled into a single MP3. The scat singing is my favorite wordless vocalizing she does. But then, of course it is: it's scatting. This woman is always voiding somehow.

The music is an odd mishmash of electro-world sounds; if M.I.A. is a designer label, Shakira shops at H&M. "Why Wait" collides "Gimme More" into the Middle East. I think I hear stringed flutes in there. "Good Stuff" is traditional reggae, and by that I mean it sounds like late-era No Doubt. A steel drum melody is played on what sounds like a Fisher Price xylophone. "Gypsy" is about as cultural as your typical RenFair ("I'm a gypsy, are you coming with me? / I might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me"). I believe I detect a banjo. My favorite track, "Men in This Town," features Shakira rapping and then immediately launching into a Kate Bush-style caterwaul.

It's all impossibly fun, and a lot giddier than I'm used to hearing on commercial albums. I'd say that Shakira shits all over her pop competition, but then, that wouldn't really be accurate, now would it?

Comments

[heather]

am i the only one who thinks shakira sounds like she's deaf?

[Golden J]

heather - I totally catch that too. And I love it.

[Noel]

I was not planning on buying this but maybe it's time to give Shakira a chance.

[Wookie]

Never really cared for her in the past, but this album makes me so happy. Lots of really fun disco tracks and soooo many Shakiraisms.

[Lolita Hazed]

You know who she actually sounds like when she's scatting?
Celine Dion.

[Andrea]

Part of the She Wolf video makes her look like she's dancing around in someone's colonoscopy.

[Ang]

Looks like she's dancing inside a glittery vagina. Fun!

[Sue Ellen]

She is such a weirdo! I love her. Her lyrics are like Engrish.
Did you read that NYT magazine article about her? She's like a charitable alien.

[sean]

"Shapeera".....omg...!!!

[Gen]

I speak three languages (French, English, and Spanish, in that order), so I can relate to what Shakira is trying to do in English. Her lyrics are clumsy, as if she were trying to systematically translate the wordplay she would use in Spanish. She thinks in Spanish and it comes out all wrong in English ;)

In my opinion, her lyrics in Spanish are sexy, witty and actually quite funny. Once I heard the "original" versions of She Wolf, Did it Again and Why Wait (La loba, Lo hecho está hecho, Años luz), I was hooked! I only listen to these versions now. Obviously, the rest of the album is only in English, there isn't anything to compare it to...

I do admire Shakira's involvement in her songs; I've read that she co-writes and co-produces everything on her albums. It just makes for weird translations and clumsy imagery, as Rich so admirably pointed out ;)

[Jess]

YES! I absolutely agree with Lolita Hazed on the Celine Dion thing! The scat part of the MP3 totally reminded me of the part in Rich's Celine YouTube video where Celine puts her hands out beside her head and goes, "doo da doo doo" or whatever. Hilarious.

[Sara]

"Lucky my breasts are small and humble / so you don't confuse them with mountains" remains my favorite pop lyric. I love me some Shaki, in English and in Spanish.

[Olive]

"A domesticated girl, that’s all you ask of me/Darling it is no joke, this is lycanthropy."

Sigh. That's all kinds of swell.

[Cynthia Horton Jones Wheeler Boothe Smythe Fortscue Hunter]

You are the only person on earth who saw that video and had that thought. For real.

xxx

[Shavonda]

"Lucky that my breasts are small in humble so you don't confuse them with mountains" = greatest line in the history of pop music, ever. Short of "It's Britney, bitch," anyways.

The album is wonderful. Love this review too. Shakira really seems mentally insane, and for this reason I find her exhilarating.

[Zander]

Fully agree with Gen about the language difficulties.

These sounds all sound amazing in Spanish, and clumsy in English.

At the same time, there's something you've got to love about how ridiculous her English lyrics end up.

[s2couto]

Her English is impeccable. If you've never read an interview or seen one you should before making a sweeping generalization.

"Why wait for later? I’m not a waiter." ("Why Wait") This reverberates with me as particularly clever, and I don't know why! Her facility with language, in English and Spanish, is mesmerizing and very odd. The -humble-breasts line is a direct translation ingles/espanol. She talks that way, too. This girl is crazy and I just revel in her strangeness.

"You say you love me like no other, but you can't live on bread alone" is another one of my favourites (from LA TORTURA (ALTERNATE VERSION).

[Michael]

Did her performance of She-Wolf on SNL the other week strike anyone else as DESPERATE?

Her dancing, her constantly looking to the camera/audience with a "please, buy my record" sort of look - which, even tho I've never been a fan, I've never thought she looked desperate.

The dancing was horrible, and her howling was bembarrassing

[k. west]

"Good Stuff" is traditional reggae, and by that I mean it sounds like late-era No Doubt/"

i love you.

BUT

when are you going to write about SCIENTOLOGY? I feel that has the pageantry, the gayness (sadly the self-loathing kind), and fucking ridiculousness fourfour and his followers live for.

That shit is crazier than the Pee Wolf.

[mc]

who produced this album???

[Sarah]

I used to refer to her as Skahira, but Shapeera is better. Much, much better. Thanks.

[gus]

I love her, she's so unique. Shakira Shakira

[Michael]

Shapeera-Bush comparisons are surprisingly apt. If Kate cums when she gets an award, I'm pretty sure the big S would piss herself.

[A]

Courtney Love had an obsession for awhile with calling her a massive cokehead. It was one of her asides of choice during whatever rant was happening.

I feel really strange about her 1+1=sexuality world, but I don't get that about R&B in general. I always think it sounds like someone homeless in Brazil is trying to find a place to live, so they'll say anything.

[CR]

I love her music. Seriously. I sing along to all her spanish stuff even though I have no idea what she's saying. I want to hang out with her. I know that sounds crazy but she just seems so cool/weird. I'm tickled you also like her. :)