You see, Tyra had to let Bianca go. It was the only way she could keep from eating her.
33. Erin
I generally love it when these girls cry, but I gotta say that this instance disappointed me big time. I wanted Erin to continue her pitbull-in-a-smize shtick without apology. Oh well, I'll just add it to my pile of disappointments including Obama's not-so-fierce gay rights advocacy, Mariah Carey's latest album, and Rob Zombie's Halloween 2.
34. Ashley
Shut up, Ashley, seri...oh wait. She is shutting up. With her hand, even. Uh, then don't. Whatever you're doing is wrong.
And speaking of, here's the queen of always wrong:
"Let me explain beauty!"
No.
"And sometimes, I wonder: is Bianca the verb, and not the noun? Meaning, she can mo-duuuul, but she's not a mo-duuuul."
This is eloquent and cleverly put. I can barely believe that it exists!
...That's at least what I wrote as a response when Tyra said virtually the same thing last cycle. I guess now would be a good time to confess the belly-of-the-beast level crack addiction that I had during most of last cycle. Sorry 'bout that! Anyway, this is totally corny and stupid and just because she delivers sentences as though she's hosting a gathering of the umlauts, it doesn't make it any more coherent. Plus, Bianca is more a porpoise than anything else in the gif above. Well, maybe she's the bastard child of India.Arie and a porpoise. The point is that she is a porpoise without a purpose now that she's off the show.
(Also, you know how Highlights' magazine's motto or whatever is/was "Fun with a purpose?" My friend misread it off the cover in 1st grade as "Fun with a porpoise," and for a flickering second, I loved that magazine harder than I loved any magazine before or since. I feel like I've already told that story, so if it's familiar, feel free to roll your eyes like you did the first time. Go ahead. I'm letting you. You're welcome.)
"I was really excited to shoot Ashley. I mean, she was the girl that I discovered on the set of my talk show. And here she is, on the set of my photo shoot. It's my chance to make her what I envisioned."
Please. She gave Ashley a brief side-eye on the set of her talk show and then told her hairdresser, the one who actually discovered Ashley, to get her contact info. I know this because we already heard the story, just a few weeks ago. I think what she envisioned was the chance to prattle on about this, as though Ashley is some kind of find and not sitting around, waiting to be eliminated, like a cock-eyed piece of cheese in someone's intestine.
"So let me explain a little something, judges. This week, there was a little twist. Mr. Jay and I chose the best picture at the end of the photo shoot..."
Holy. Shit. An extremely repetitive show placed one of its oft-repeated elements slightly out of sequence for no seeming reason other than to brag about the fact that it was done? And the universe hasn't collapsed on itself yet? How is that even possible? You guys, I feel like we're about to feel the effects of a really fucking brutal butterfly effect. Hold onto your Ashton Kutchers.
At the very least, this routine shuffling is extremely unsettling. You know how if you change up your morning routine, you’re liable to end up with toothpaste in your urethra? That’s what this feels like. It burns.
"I love this outfit if the collar was down. Collar was down, it'll take 10 years off of you."
Right, because high collars cast shadows that really bring out the lines on your face. And there's also the fact that as you grow older, your neck gets shorter. Didn't you see that TV movie that came out a few years ago about love in a retirement community called The Affair of the Neck-less? It made me cry harder than illiteracy.
But really, what the hell could Tyra mean by this? The only logical conclusion I can come up with is that older people are out of touch and still think that popped collars are cool. If that's not it, it's gotta be shadow-casting and necklessness. It's just gotta.
1. Watch out, everyone, Hurricane Erin is blowing into town!
And she's so aggressive that she's, like, pushing people for the sake of pushing them...
...and making these horrible hulking faces...
...and spitting up white shit...
This pretty much cemented the Erin love for me. What can I say? I like a woman who takes pride in her work, especially when said work is running through Walmart because Tyra Banks said so.
Really, though, I knew it was coming, when, in last week's preview for this week's episode, she said, "If it's a race, I'm in a race to win, I'm not in a race to be nice!" That's my favorite way to say, "I'm not here to make friends!" (besides actually "I'm not here to make friends!") that I've heard yet.
Just look at her:
She is conniving with her eyes.
She's connizing.
And I know, you might be thinking, "Why so serious?" but it is this level of dedication to nonsense (like a race through Walmart) that makes this show the gem that it is.
Also you might be thinking, "Why so serious?" because you want me to Jokerize Erin's photo. I can do that, too.
Awww yeah, busting out the retro '08s! I got a whole trashcan full of Sarah Palin jokes and "Touch My Body" renditions, and I'm not afraid to use them. Try me!
And I seriously thought she was about to get all white supremacist on our asses when she started with this little dissertation: "Obviously, a lot of the girls don't understand how races work, and races don't have manners." Competitive races actually do, for all intents and purposes, have manners (I don't know if the same could be said for human races). However, for veering toward the incendiary, I'm willing to let some inaccuracy slide. I'd worry that she'd come at me like Taz if I didn't.
2. A few more things about these race matters (since Erin told me she'd hurt Winston if I didn't give her a bullet point to herself):
The segment quickly cut out just as Erin was taking everyone's pictures and scattering them about (so as to express her aggression in a sort of American origami). Here's the image that immediately followed:
It took me a few seconds to realize we'd gone to commercial.
Why did Kara run in so long after the other girls?
There's something kinda off about Kara.
I've got my eye on her, and it's pointing in many directions.
(But really, do you think she has a glass eye? Since Aunt Pto paid us a visit this season, I can't help but wonder if they're leading up to some big reveal. Disproportionate eyes: so hot this cycle!).
When Chilli Sundae won, and she leaped in victory, veins bulged in her neck...
I think she might be taking growth hormone since she's the shortest girl of this short, short cycle. Short. Also, I'm not sure that Erin needs any help being Jokerized -- she seems to fare fine on her own.
No matter how pretty the people are who stand out in front...
...you cannot take Walmart and make it fashion. No siree.
And finally, during the challenge, Bianca did this:
I know it's Walmart, but that doesn't mean you have to act like a toothless aspiring cougar at a biker bar. Learn some manners, Bianca. Races do have them.
3. Oh, and speaking of odd eyes...
Ashley might have ptosis, too, right? They keep talking about her smizing with just one eye, but I don't know if she's capable of doing both. They just seem off. Check the picture:
Her right eye looks way low to me. Check my gif fix, along the lines of what I did for the insanely lopsided Chantal:
The fix looks better right? If you don't think so, your eyes might be lopsided as well. Time to see a ptosis specialist.
Yeah!
4. Laura continues to fill me with her joy.
Look at how much more excited she is than everybody!
Has Gramma Wanda Sue kept her locked up in a closet all these years so that now every interaction with a person is a further realization of the absurdity of life and society? It's like, Laura, you were one of the first girls eliminated from the challenge:
Laura, today you're going to have scarves on your head:
Hey, Laura, today Tyra's going to ask you to kill a man with your bare hands.
Hey Laura, we're going to ridicule you for your bumpkin chic and adorable cluelessness, which is so not appropriate for the black-tie affair that is weekly judging...
Whatever, at least she has a sense of humor about herself. And the ability to turn out a catchphrase like it's nobody's business: "My gramma made it!"
Beautiful, really. Everything. The '20s swimmer vibe, the sunshine emanating from Laura's pores. Everything. If you're anything like me, you wonder where Laura's indefatigable good nature comes from. Well, in my fantasy, Gramma Wanda Sue makes all sorts of things...
There's more than just thread in her sewing machine...
...if ya catch my drift.
5. And speaking of scarves on your head, I love how the girls in their pictures were supposed to look like Tyra when she went to sleep...
...but not even Tyra looked like Tyra before she goes to sleep when she played sloppy-seconds dress-up with the girls' scarves...
But at least she was able to look extra expressive. That's what really counts.
I also love that this scene opened with Tyra wrapped up in a scarf with a tag attached that said, "Pull me," and then Laura dove into it like her name was Alice and she saw a sign that said, "Drink me," on a bottle of Gramma Wanda Sue's Wonder Worker Elixir...
You guys, this is not a present:
It's punishment.
Seriously. In some countries this...
...would probably be considered torture. And we act like we're so civilized! Ha!
6. As for the pictures, indeed, this was great...
...though I think it might have more to do with the fucking scarf that's covering Brittany's face than Brittany's actual face. Let me explain beauty: to achieve it, put a scarf over your face.
This was my favorite shot, though...
Mostly because Bloody Eyeball has her hand in her crotch and she's all, "And what?" I like a girl who isn't afraid to masturbate openly.
Rae, indeed, looked Icelandic...
...which is another good call on Miss J's part. I can't believe I'm typing that. My fingers are grimacing. I'm grimingering.
Laura, on the other hand, looked like Macaulay Culkin.
Weird, right?
Hey Laura, your best friend is going to die of bee stings.
That's my girl!
Oh, and I'm glad that Jennifer's getting the whole lopsided-face thing sorted out...
At least someone is!
7. How amazing was it that when Brittany was announced the winner, her fellow contestants had nothing but disdain to respond with?
They are some bitches. And I love it.
8. How weird was it that Bianca was told, "You keep giving me fierce. I need pleasant."? We've come a long way from the days when everyone on this show said "fierce" with such a frequency, it was as though they had gay Tourette's. This show keeps changing things up and getting toothpaste in our urethras! This is what it feels like:
Also wonderful: how Tyra kept going on and on about Bianca's softness during elimination.
She was probably talking about Bianca's flesh. I really do think she wanted to eat her.
9. I love that the answer to this question...
...was, "Oh my god! Yes!" And Brittany wasn't kidding:
This is what the Bottom 2 does to you, people. It kicks the shit out of you. Hurricane Erin has nothing on this.
10. When the guest judge whose name I don't remember said that Nicole reminded her of Gollum, Tyra responded by quoting Gollum as having said, "My pretty!" And you know, I haven't seen any of the Lord of the Rings movies all the way through (I hated what I saw of the first one so much that I walked out of the theater midway and never revisited), but I'd be willing to bet some trinkets and a Seventeen advertorial that he never actually said that -- his famous line is "My precious." The Wicked Witch of the West is the one who says, "My pretty." (Now on Blu Ray!)
So, just to review:
*though I could see how you might get confused.
Whatever, at least we got a gif out of all the Gollum discourse. Isn't that what matters? After the nuclear holocaust, all that will be left are cockroaches, Cher and Tyra Banks gifs.
11. Loooooove so much that there was an extended version of the ANTM Autotuned end theme that played this week. "Don't let no one say you can't do your thang," go these new lyrics. No one except, I guess, Tyra. Maybe that's what that weird sound smear at the end of the song says: "'Cepttyraooooh." Anyway, I think that this is what that last line would look like if it were a person:
could i really be FIRST? LOVE YOU RICH!
Posted by: Milla | October 05, 2009 at 01:40 PM
That Hurricane Erin gif keeps cracking me up.
Glad I'm not the only person who thinks there's something off about Kara. Though if there was, you'd think she would have brought it up in the casting episode to get some more exposure.
On "The Dish" last week, Danielle said of the new ANTM song at the end of the episode, "Do you think those guys wrote that song with the show in mind?"
Posted by: Jenn | October 05, 2009 at 01:44 PM
Haha, connizing.
Posted by: Marissa | October 05, 2009 at 01:48 PM
Your porpoise story is familiar to me only because I think I read it like that for about a year. Maybe intentionally, maybe not.
Posted by: m | October 05, 2009 at 01:56 PM
First?
Posted by: Hen | October 05, 2009 at 01:59 PM
Great commentary and a My Girl reference! I love that Jesus is Bianca's inspiration.
Posted by: Sarah | October 05, 2009 at 02:07 PM
love it..your recaps are the best part of monday
Posted by: mswags | October 05, 2009 at 02:08 PM
Kara looks like a busted Kelly Bensimon. This really is the year of jacked up eyes. It all started with Camille from NYC Prep. I wish one could bottle the sunshine and rainbows that come out of Laura. Oh wait, Grandma Wanda Sue already has!
Posted by: Michelle | October 05, 2009 at 02:18 PM
Ha ha, I am so glad that I'm not the only one who initially misinterpreted the "Obviously, a lot of the girls don't understand how races work, and races don't have manners" line. For the first few seconds I thought she was speaking racially, and it made me a little uncomfortable.
I can't believe Ashley is still in this. I don't see Erin lasting long. From the beginning she has seemed like a Lauren Brie to me - she's going to effortlessly take really edgy photos that get praised, then she's going to get cut unexpectedly for one mediocre photo or for a lack of personality. I don't see Kara lasting long either.
Posted by: Stephanie | October 05, 2009 at 02:23 PM
Laura's reaction to her best friend dying of bee stings made me LOL during a conference call.
Posted by: Lauren | October 05, 2009 at 02:45 PM
grimingering.
YES!
Posted by: cloudy | October 05, 2009 at 02:50 PM
i swore i thought i was the only one who noticed the lost dog thing.
Posted by: Cindy Lou Who | October 05, 2009 at 02:57 PM
My strategy - when they first described the race - would have been to run grab the clothes, and (w/out stopping to put anything on) go directly to the shoes and the make-up and THEN get dressed.
But then again I am not a model and don't have the same - ahem - intelligence as a model.
Bloody eyeball, Laura, Erin, Kara, and Rae seem like the front runners (although Brittany seems like a judges fave).
Brittany looks like some starlet in the scarf photo, is it Natalie Portman? and she looked emaciated/boney in the photo shoot
Posted by: ? | October 05, 2009 at 03:00 PM
?: "Brittany looks like some starlet in the scarf photo, is it Natalie Portman?"
I actually thought she looked like Yoanna. An emaciated Yoanna.
Posted by: Stephanie | October 05, 2009 at 03:06 PM
haha, love this recap.
loved the "connizing"! though, in my head it's spelled "conneyezing" . . . same thing with "smize" . . . it's totally "smeyez" :)
Posted by: JJ | October 05, 2009 at 03:15 PM
Erin looks like a cat flinging a white mouse with her teeth in that GIF! Come to think of it, we haven't had a good critter-themed photoshoot in a while. Unless you count horses as vermin, which only giant people can really do, and let's face it - these girls are pretty much the opposite of giants.
I hope after this someone puts Laura in a slasher movie. She'd be a perfect Final Girl. Instead of being a shell-shocked, hollowed-out husk of a human being at the end, she'd emerge from the carnage with a spring in her step and a carefree smile on her sweet face.
Great recap, Rich. You should get some kind of Olde Timey Award for that Elixer GIF.
Posted by: spazmo | October 05, 2009 at 03:18 PM
I totally had the same reaction when Erin started talking about the qualities of "races". I thought, "holy shit! We found the bigot!" Then I was kind of disappointed to discover she wasn't talking about people.
Posted by: Royaldutch | October 05, 2009 at 03:20 PM
I totally misread Highlight's catchphrase as "Fun with a Porpoise" too. I think that's because at age 6 I knew what a porpoise was, but not a purpose. Isn't a porpoise just a glorified dolphin anyway?
Posted by: Bianca James | October 05, 2009 at 03:30 PM
So, just for the record it's Macauley that dies of bee stings in My Girl. Because I cried my ass off in the movie theatre and embarrassed a friend of mine who kept saying "I TOLD you the kid dies on the way here."
Laura's picture was really cute anyways. I seriously idolize her. So adorable, so happy, so loving of nudity.
Erin looks like Brooke. But she is no Brooke. Boo.
Posted by: Vanessa M | October 05, 2009 at 03:49 PM
My favorite recap so far this season. Thanks Rich.
I still don't see what everyone else sees in Erin. She's like a stankier version of Mena Suvari and her "makeover" just makes her look nastier. Ick.
Also, "grimingering" = AWESOME
Posted by: Vicki | October 05, 2009 at 04:04 PM
That Hurricane Erin gif is hilarious. I just love the photos that come flying back after she's tossed them.
I can't believe I wasn't the only one who messed up the Highlight's tagline. I used to say "Fun with a Porpoise" all the time. I bet Gallant would have never messed that up. Okay, if I can digress for a moment, but who else thought Gallant was the biggest motherfucking nerd of all time? I mean, really. Once, just once, I'd like to see a Highlights where Goofus crosses over into Gallant's box and the title is all "Gallant succumbs to peer pressure and takes a shot." You only live once, Gallant.
Ahem. Anyway. I too was disappointed in Erin's crying. Own your bitchiness!
I am not impressed with Jennifer at all. I still can't shake this feeling that they're setting up an Asian winner, and they're going to compliment her no matter what she does. I don't care. I don't like her or her ptosis, which actually sounds like someone trying to spit so I guess it fits.
Posted by: Melissa | October 05, 2009 at 04:06 PM
I thought Highlights' tagline was "Fun with a porpoise" too!
My sister, on the other hand, thought it was "Fun with a propose."
Probably not the best tagline for a childrens' magazine.
Posted by: Johanna | October 05, 2009 at 04:09 PM
That Macauley Culkin resemblance is starting to freak me out. Uncanny.
Posted by: Vicki | October 05, 2009 at 04:19 PM
I too have always thought it was "Fun with a Porpoise". Maybe it's the font or something, but then again, I'm not super observant. I recently learned the dude painted on Alaska Airlines planes is not Abe Lincoln as I had previously believed.
Loved the Culkin reference. Looks just like him!
Posted by: Jenny | October 05, 2009 at 04:30 PM
I too have always thought it was "Fun with a Porpoise". Maybe it's the font or something, but then again, I'm not super observant. I recently learned the dude painted on Alaska Airlines planes is not Abe Lincoln as I had previously believed.
Loved the Culkin reference. Looks just like him!
Posted by: Jenny | October 05, 2009 at 04:30 PM