Eye bye

To quote Tyra directly: whoa, look at that face.

35. Bloody Eyeball

"Ugh, it's like so bad," said Nicole while weeping. Yeah, it is, but it's been worse. Cycles 7 and 9, in particular.

36. Sundai

She was chastised for always appearing in three-quarter profile, and then she cried...in three-quarter profile. Someone needs a brighter Post-It because she clearly isn't getting the memo. 

37. Kara

What's amazing about this is that Kara cried and cried and Tyra kept it up, admonishing her for god knows what and shoving all kinds of hand gestures in Kara's face in the process...

 

If I were Kara, I would have bitten that damn hand flopping and pointing and grasping. But then, I have rabies.

Worst of all was when Tyra asked if Kara had given up this week and the poor girl could only, like, exhale and smile to keep her expression from being washed off her face in a tide of tears and emotion...

It's sad to watch someone suffering...which is obviously why I decided to make an image file looping it infinitely. Enjoy the sadness, suckers!

38. Laura

I actually grabbed this shot in an attempt to figure out why the hell they blurred out Brittany's chest (is the CW so puritanical that excessive cleavage is a no-no?). It wasn't until I'd been examining it for a while that I realized that Laura was probably crying in it and that it should go into the Crying Count. Funny that the way for me to focus in on a woman's chest is by obscuring it. It's times like these that I'm reminded that I'm gay.

39. Kara

 

When Kara said that modeling no longer feels like a viable option for her because of her elimination, I thought, "Great! This show has given her more than it gives most girls. She can actually make something of her life without getting to 30 and overdosing on Botox in the hopes of becoming America's Last Top Model." And then she said, "If I didn't win, I wouldn't have came." I consulted my nonsense-to-English dictionary and this translates to, "I am a sore loser, who thinks I'm so much hotter than everyone else here." And so, as a tribute to Kara's hotness, let's look back one last time on it:

 

She has a warped view, if ever there were.

And speaking of that, but in a (mostly) non-facial way...

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

 

"So, this week you had go-sees, where you had to drive around in cars like I used to have to do back in the day, with no GPS!"

Look, I know that they had to use maps in the challenge since these girls don't have spacial-orientation-to-sense dictionaries in their heads and cutting out a machine that tells you what to do turn for turn created a challenge that was actually challenging...

 

...but I love how it was presented as, "You do it because Tyra had to some 20 years ago, when your car had no floor and you had to push it with your feet so that you could be be go-seen by a brontosaurus, a dinosaur that we would years later realize didn't actually exist." That is to say that it was a different time (and that the modeling world is crazy!). But I thought Jesus suffered so we didn't have to, and if Tyra wants to continue coming off as the second coming, she best suck it up and let the damn girls use GPS.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Rae pulled her hair back this week. If only she would have worn a shorter tank to make those legs look longer, and it would have been perfect!"

Well, at least Rae wasn't wearing a high collar that made her look like she was in her 30's. I can't think of a worse affliction for a model or any woman in the public eye (or private eye) than looking like a tiny thirtysomething. Might as well kill yourself, or actually don't bother, because you're clearly going to crumble from getting stepped on, you decomposing, wee hag. Osteoporose much?

1. I don't care about maps or GPS or whatever. What I really care about is the fact that Laura has never used a parking meter before.

Someone should tell her that parking meters don't respond to reach-arounds.

I love love love this. Seriously, is she Amish? Is Gramma Wanda Sue keeping her chained to something? This is like a living "your mother" joke: Your mother's so country, she doesn't know how to use a parking meter. I cannot believe that it's real! Watching Laura is like watching an infant become acquainted with the world. Slowly.

It makes me wonder what the fuck else Laura doesn't know how to use? Pants? ("Gramma only makes shorts! She can't cut much fabric 'cause her arms aren't so long. Runs in the family!") Coins? ("We trade in lard!") A coffee machine? ("What end do ya pee in?") A cat? ("What part do ya eat?") Her teeth?

("You mean you aren't supposed to bite off the tip of your tongue and keep it in a little box with your baby teeth that you call your Teeth 'n Tongue Nubs Box?")

Nunchucks?

("Ya mean these aren't for hang-glidin'? I guess that explains why I'm always jumping off of things and hittin' my head!")

Her face?

("Ya mean to tell me I'm not a Venus flytrap?")

Her hair?

("Ya mean to tell me I'm not a Venus flyswatter?")

God, this show really has a knack for finding girls who are truly special. Laura's one of those cases where casting seems like divine providence. She was made to be loved/laughed at (there's little difference anymore) by all.

 

Y'know?

2. And continuing on that point...

Love her. Laugh at her. Understand that despite what she says, a "hood-rat accent" is also something she's never used before. I mean, truly.

 

This might have been offensive if it were based on stereotypes (I kind of held my breath when she announced that she was going to do it in fear that I might have to think less of my sweet, perfect Laura), but it was based on absolutely nothing that's ever existed (except maybe Kevin McCallister, because she sounded kind of like a young Macaulay Culkin -- funny since she also looks like him).

 

Basically, this whole thing was as grounded in reality as Poochie. 

She's totally in my face!

3. It's weird that they went on go-sees so early (and in the States!), but whatever -- it's that kind of cycle. Wild and unpredictable is the new short. Or maybe it's the old short. Or maybe they're the same thing.

I love that the whole timed nature of the go-sees challenge makes girls openly cheer for the demise if their competitors. Derisive is the new heart-warming. Or, again, the old one.

I love that Kara was repeatedly called out for looking greasy haired and scruffy...

...and it was a total consensus among these people. Kara thinks "scruffy" is what you call homeless dogs on the street, to which I say: EXACTLY.

I love that Brittany got called out for putting her shoe on the table by Rozae Nichols...

 

...partly because it's "rude" to put shoes on the table, but mostly because, "it's not the kind of shoe I’d like to see near the collection." I don't know what's wrong with Brittany's shoes, but I assume they're somehow unworthy and cheap, and Rozae was suggesting that they might taint her clothes, like bad taste is airborne or something. Bitch, these girls went to Walmart a few episodes ago. They're teeming with cheap cooties ("chooties" is the medical term). And maybe if you don't want your shit tainted, you shouldn't take it on reality TV, particularly on a show that doubles as a punchline for any number of jokes about the fashion world?

Also, I love that Eve Ensler showed up.

Or is that Cindy Williams?

But mostly, I love Wongdoody.

Because it's Wongdoody.

4. In a similar keep-it-simple-stupid-'cause-that-shit-cracks-me-up vein...

...Erin almost fell at judging, so that was fun.

5. And speaking of Erin...

...what's with the just-fucked 'do in interview? Maybe that's going too far. Maybe that's more a just-fingered 'do. I don't know about girls' hair and what sex does to it, come to think about it. I only hear about it. It's mythical. The whole sex-does-hair-good thing sounds magical anyway, so whatever. Everything lines up.

Anyway, two things about Erin:

She is clearly an imp who is up to no good.

 

Her eyebrows are growing out and becoming more insane every week. It's hard to capture their insanity via computer, but on my TV screen, they are harrowing. They scare me. They are Halloween come early ever week. Here's what it's like:

At least she's reached a symbiosis with the caterpillars she's hosting: she keeps them safe, and they keep her fierce.

6. I love Bloody Eyeball a lot...

...although, I also think she's up to no good, and it's not just because of this coy look.

 

The thing is that everyone's talking major shit on her, and we haven't really been privy to anything at all from her that's been particularly annoying (even her "stoner" talk reads just fine -- her speaking slowly feels appropriate as this show has turned my brain to mush and I need longer to process things). When all the girls ganged up on Heather, even though they were effectively intolerant of her Asperger's, you could see why she was annoying the shit out of them. Not so with Nicole, which leads me to believe that she's getting a very flattering edit.

And, for, like, the fifth time this cycle, I'm changing my mind on the winner: it's her. Good old Bloody Eyeball. She not only looks great in, like, every photo ever...

 

...despite the high collar, which will age you like a wrinkly pair of old hands (and despite that she's holding a "classic sword," as opposed to, I guess, a light saber or one of those new-fangled swords with a laser sight and silencer). But also, from what I hear, Whitney was way more aggressive and offensive in the house, and her edit was much kinder, because, I guess, they didn't want some asshole holding the prestigious title of America's Next Top Model for six months. It's way too important! 

Anyway, I don't know what to believe -- that Nicole was able to win the go-see challenge does suggest that the girls' reaction to her is nothing but a salty glass of haterade.

 

I mean, this was funny when taken as bitchy for bitchy's sake, but what does it even mean? A fetus isn't going to brag to you that it's so hot or say much of anything. So it kicks every once in a while. Big deal. Fetuses aren't sore losers. They just get on with their lost lives. Real talk: I'd much rather be stuck in an elevator with a fetus than, say, Kara.

7. And speaking of the shoot, I thought the styling was, for once, extremely flattering...

I don't know, I thought they all looked pretty great. However, Rae's close-up had the grace of a...

...fetus, actually.

And who pissed in Sundai's lemon juice?

I feel like this shot is her desperately attempting to be accepted by the ptosis gang.

And if that doesn't work, she's definitely got her eye on Laura's job as the life of the party...

 

...-slash-Venus flytrap.

8. I love that she is a compulsive accessorizer, too...

...and I love even more that Jessica White immediately started bossing the girls around and telling them to take all their shit off. Of all the celebrity judges so far this cycle, she's my absolutely favorite.

 

She just came in there, and knew what it was all about. She's not smiling with her eyes, she's coveting -- she's gunning for Tyra's job. I'd be looking over my shoulder a lot and hiring a food taster if I were Ty.

Good for Laura, though, for putting back on her supposedly offensive blazer.

 

I'm sure Gramma Wanda Sue would have been as proud as I was.

9. And speaking of not smizing...

...what bathhouse did she roll out of before arriving at judging? He isn't even looking at me and I feel cruised.

10. And speaking of not smizing again...

...best look ever for Tyra, y/y?

11. We heard even more of the song this week! And, even better, a reader named Dan found the source of this song: "Top Model" by Christian artist Canton Jones:

According to the YouTube comments, he speaks of "godly women" in this song. I know less about godly women than just-fucked hair, so basically none of any of this makes any sense to me and I'm flailing. Every plot point is to me what a parking meter is to Laura. I'm OK with that, I guess. What's the alternative? Joining a bunch of fetuses in that never-ending elevator in the sky?

Catch y’all on the flipside, dudemeisters. Not!

Comments

[Blake]

FIRST!! great as always!

[LBG]

"At least she's reached a symbiosis with the caterpillars she's hosting: she keeps them safe, and they keep her fierce."

I LOL'D 4 LYF at that!

Man, I love me some Bloody Eyeball. And normally I can't handle overly happy/perky people but Laura is just so full of joy! How can you not love her?

I also realized recently that Kara looks like my gay guy friend. but not as cute.

[ann]

laura= kenneth the page from '30 Rock'

[Clara]

Holy crap, Kara looks like Sloth from the Goonies in that first gif.

[Jess]

As soon as Kara started talking about homeless dogs ... I just kept thinking, you do realize most of us are going to agree with you Kara, right?? So un-self-aware sometimes, these reality contestants.

[Steele]

I too, have a love for Laura. Her country-ness is almost comparable to Natasha's alien ways. But mostly I just miss Natasha. When I'm bullshitting with friends and some dumb girl drama comes up I yell "Some people have war in their countries!"

[chelsea]

I didn't find Brittany remotely attractive or modelesque until that screenshot of her with fuzzy cleavage. I think I "get" her now. I also wasn't rooting for her until Rozae got all cunty about the shoe.

[Liz]

I haven't read all the comments, but THEY BLURRED HER BOOBS, BUT SHOWED THAT CAMEL TOE FROM PREVIOUS WEEKS? WTF

[JoJo]

Best one of the season so far...

[maggie]

Teehee, Poochie.

[Val]

Did I miss an announcement Tyra made banning heels at judging? I find it odd that in every judging I've seen (I admit not all as I prefer your recaps to the real thing)the under 5'7" set are always in flats.

I agree with Chelsea re: Brittany. So far her best pic is the screen shot of her blurred out chest. Otherwise she usually looks haggard and bedraggled and bleh and her head is way bigger than the rest of her. Hoping Laura and Bloody Eyeball and Erin make the Top 3.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=501373149]

Have you noticed that all the girls wear FLATS to the elimination ceremony? In all prior seasons they always wore heels and were reprimanded if they DIDN'T wear heals, but now for the petite girls they wear flats? I don't get it.

[Jennifer]

I went to college one county over from Laura's hometown in Kentucky. Parking meters are hard to come by in those parts for sure. But pants were plentiful.

[Mab]

I must admit... I find that song embarrassingly addictive. It's so chilled!

[Vanessa M]

Am I remembering wrong or they didn't blur Brittany's chest until Tyra said her top was pornographic?

Sorry, also who do you mean by Whitney Rich? Whitney the plus-size girl from a few cycles ago? That doesn't seem to fit. Who is Whitney? Damn it.

(This reminds me that I used to get stoned with a girl named Whitney in High School. She had mad skills with an AquaNet can. I'm originally from Kentucky. And that brings me to...)

Stanford is indeed pretty small but I'm from a small town in KY too and we still had freaking parking meters. WTF Laura? There must never be parking tickets there either. Her rosy demeanor makes just a little more sense now.

Finally, I don't like to trash anyone but really Kara was scruffy. Looking at her made my scalp itch.

[Sarah]

Hey LOL I have never used or seen a parking meter before!

[Faith]

love it Rich, wonderful job!

Im glad Kara is gone, she DID have a striking face but she came off as [edited as] a fucking tool. It'd be a real quick end to her modeling career if she ever spoke to.about me the way she did Nicole.

[Stephanie]

I was mostly waiting for your post this week just so I could hear anyone else's ideas as to whyTF they blurred Brittany's chest. The neckline wasn't even anywhere near the nip area. That is, unless Brittany has really off-center nips? Hmm, maybe we're gonna have a super special revealing in a later episode. This is this season's psoriasis. This is this season's Asperger's. This is this season's burn scars.

Anyway, they didn't blur it until Tyra made a comment about how it would look pornagraphic on her. Maybe the editor was just making a joke?

[adam]

To those talking about flats, in Laura's Model Life blog (Rich linked to it in the Lu elimination episode recap) she mentions something offhand about how the girls were not allowed to wear heels at judging and how this broke her little heart. Anyway, this point is pretty obvious because, duh, Tyra won't get her kadooze for challenging "the industry" if the wee little dwarf models appeared on tv as regular human size.
Anyhoo, I was surprised how easily manipulated I was by this episode because I quite literally burst into applause when Bloody Eyeball won the go-sees. I'm easily pleased. Apparently, Tyra has me wrapped around her (wagging Benny Ninja-style) finger with this edit. Oh well. I was happy when old tubbykins Whitney won, so I'm sure I'll be just as pleased when/if Bloody Eyeball does ... But you really don't think Laura has this whole thing on lock-down? I think Tyra might be gunning for a "regular 'Merican" to win (cf: WallMart, short short short short short models, a plain ol' gal just plucked from the obscurity of the Tyra Banks Show audience). If the foreign country they visit is secessionist Texas, then I'm 100% right.

[Stephanie]

Also, I like to remain spoiler free for ANTM. But I was reading the synopsis for the next episode or two on my Tivo. And, unless the Tivo summary was poorly worded, it gave away the overseas destination. And, I don't want to spoil it for anyone who wants to remain spoiler free, but if it IS the real destination...all I can say is double-you. Tee. Eff.

[AD]

I think Kara actually looked her hottest while crying.

[Amanda]

MARVIN FEQUIERE DIDN'T WRITE THE TOP MODEL SONG?!?! I'm devastated.

[Name is required.]

...as opposed to, I guess, a light saber or one of those new-fangled swords with a laser sight and silencer)"

Today is one of the rare days that reading the Internets made me laugh out loud.

[Michael]

The bitching over Nicole really confused me too. Her quirky personality has been my favorite, because she's the last to give in to the cheesiness stupidity of the show. Whereas Laura is just happy and excited - but in a sweet way, so she's my other favorite. The other girls are just turning into bitches, including Brittany & Rae, which makes me like them less. It really is either kind editing, or she really just doesn't give a fuck and the other girls are too catty and don't like that she's not fighting with them back.

Nicole and Laura in the top 2, and I'll forgive the show for Allison not taking it last year.

Also - a Poochie reference? You rule.

"what's his name again? I forgaaaaaaaaht"

[jordanbaker]

As we got closer and closer to Erin's eyebrows, I started hoping that the final shot would be of two tiny Winston's over her eyes.

Alas.