I love that Brittany was called out for looking too catalog. I wonder what catalog this could be for? The Curried Feather Company, specializing in all things red: from skin to dots?
46. Brittany
Before...
47. Brittany
...during...
48. Brittany
...and after elimination. Before she left, Brittany cried about the catalog criticism, saying, "What little math nerd doesn’t want to hear that? That’s a great compliment to me!" It's a great compliment depending on the cycle, sister. See ya!
"America's Next Top Model, we have a reputation..."
Unless she was planning on slipping on a banana peel or burping the ABC's immediately after saying this, this is no kind of set-up for any larger statement.
"Hi guys! I'm so excited! I'm going to be photographing you guys for the second time! Now this is the first time I've done this in Top Model history! And it's because you guys inspire me, you're absolutely beautiful..."
"...and we're cutting corners like a motherfucker so we didn't hire outside talent this week," is how you should have ended that, Ty. And would it kill you to slip on a banana peel? At least have a rubber chicken on as your photo assistant.
I joke, but this is clearly momentous. You only get one first time to do something twice.
"Yo! As I was shooting you, I felt like I was shooting catalog..."
Catalog, shmatalog, fatalog. Blah blah blah. The point of this Tyraism is not to once again examine this shit I've examined ("examined") twice already (and the recap just started!); it's to showcase Erin's reaction to it:
If L.L. Bean himself sent giant corduroy letters from the grave to relay this message, she wouldn't be happier. Bitch is cold! I love it. Erin doesn't throw you under the bus -- she drives it through your little sister's nursery. Last week, I pointed out how evil she can look, and this week was even worse! Look at her when she won the challenge:
That is not a face of glee, but of spite. She is punching the air in celebration. That is not positive. I do not feel uplifted by this victory. I know this show isn't Rudy, but damn. I get the feeling that she enjoys winning mostly because it means that everyone else lost. Look at this still from that gif:
She looks like a leprechaun who was dually pleased to get back her gold because it had some shit mixed in it and she likes eating that. (Such is her grin.) I mean, seriously, why couldn't her hapa have been some kind of leprechaun mix?
She wears it well! That's why it was so weird that she was so pissy at the photo shoot:
It was like, dude, your pot of gold is sitting on your head. Why are you standing around low-energy style instead of aggressively flailing in celebration? It's like The Wizard of Oz -- what you always wanted was right in your back yard. Now click your head three times. Preferably against a wall.
Sorry to go off course -- Erin really excited me this week and I couldn't wait to talk about her wicked eyes. We now return to your regularly scheduled Tyraisms.
"...I do find that you photograph short. To me it looks like Gap Kids. It still looks like a model, but it looks like a 12-year-old."
Uh, aren't models supposed to look like 12-year-olds? Shit, aren't most high-fashion models, in fact, 12-years-old? I love that this show finally gets realistic in the completely unrealistic terms of the fashion industry, and that's criticized! Wonderful.
Also, there's a Gap Kids catalog, right?
"She's in her way. Is she one of those girls, do you think that she just creates the tornado that doesn't exist?"
If she isn't one of those girls, than you just created the tornado that doesn't exist, Tyra. How's that feel? Easy and breezy, I'm assuming, given your omnipotence and tornadoes' windiness.
"You cannot be intimidated. You have to look at somebody like me and imagine me in my underwear. [Erin says, 'That's more intimidating.'] But imagine something!"
If underwear is too much, imagine Tyra in an underwear-as-outerwear bustier. If that's too much, how 'bout a halter top? More southern-minded? Imagine a thong! Or crotchless panties! Or how 'bout some nice, ruffled bloomers? The important thing is that you are thinking of Tyra Banks. That will help you through, and if it doesn't, at least she can rest assured that someone is thinking of her. That will help her through. You know, like the song: "And even though I know how very far apart we are, it helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star of America's Next Top Model named Tyra Banks...she is also the co-creator...and Christ incarnate...."
By the way, don't let all the Tyraisms fool you: this was another one of those...
...episodes.
1. Let's not wait to blow the bubble, as it were...
By now, the Internet has had plenty of time to debate whether or not painting these contestants' faces a few shades darker constitutes racism. But whatever, I take my time to talk about this shit, so I'm going to go ahead and give my opinion, anyway: this has nothing to do with blackface or minstrelsy. The idea here was not to oppress or satirize, but to celebrate diversity. Granted, the party decorations in this case were cut from a very broad cloth (see Brittany's Amerindian/East Indian mash-up above, and also...
...Jennifer's...situation), and I suppose you could make the argument that celebrating via very surface-level readings of culture (stereotypes, if you will), is like throwing bits of glass instead of confetti (potentially hurtful to you and everyone else). But that's kind of the greater point, I think: ultimately, because skin-darkening is coded and otherwise closely tied to the history of racism in our pop culture, the powers that be knew this was going to get people talking. Basically, I think the formula for successful provocation involves taking something that's outright offensive, and brushing right up next to it -- maybe even crossing paths with it -- while making your pretense of a higher purpose apparent all along the way. In this respect, this photo shoot was not unlike dancing in a field of burning crosses in a video about the unfairness of racism, or turning a wheelchair into a fashion accessory in a video about the hazards of fame. This shoot was a crafty bait for attention. Kind of impressive, actually.
On the other hand, though, playing with racist convention is a pretty tacky and cheap way of generating dialogue, especially when it's just ultimately self-serving. Someone buy me a see-through raincoat for my birthday, because I just realized that transparency is in this season. And, on the third hand (three hands, since we're obviously dealing with circus freaks): who cares? Is that a lil' piglet in a skillet, or is it just ANTM handling something in its usual ham-fisted manner? I do admit that this image was sort of reminiscent of the wrong-headed way the Oompa Loompas are depicted in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory book...
...but whatever. Nothing new under the sun or in the melting pot. Buy a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's baby shampoo if you want sensitivity.
And really, everything was worth it to hear the girls' oddly enthusiastic response to Tyra's one-sentence lesson on the Malagasy people.
She's teaching the children. Might not be well, but she's teachin' 'em!
2. Speaking of a lil' piglet in a skillet how does Laura get Vitamin D?
Directly.
Also, fatally:
Fuck a piglet, I think Laura's hapa is a ray of sunshine and piece of pork roll. She loves it when you call her pig hapa. Seriously, she told me.
The first time I watched this episode, I came in late and caught it at elimination, and since no one said anything about her sunburn, I was like, "Oh my god, I really hope there was some time devoted to it earlier." And, sure enough! I love that she feared it might get her eliminated. Never before have we seen a cast so instilled with the fear of Lord Tyra. They're so paranoid, this is like one big bad trip for their self-images. These girls are smiling with their eyes and dreading with every fiber of their being.
In related news: I used to say that Laura was high, and now I know it: "If I'm gonna model and be successful, this seems like the best way to do it."
Also, I haven't posted a picture of her in an ecstatic state lately, so:
There. Except, I can't figure out if that frame or this one is better:
Why not have both? Why not gorge on ecstasy, like lil' piglets at a farm rave?
3. And speaking of high...
4. And speaking of Sundai looking completely crazed:
She looks like she just had a bad fish stick and cannot wait to take out the day's worth of aggression on the short-order cook responsible for it. She's gonna shove his hairnet so far up his ass, it's going to end up back on his head.
5. Also, is Sundai Tina Turner?
Or, I'm sorry -- Tina never looks that geriatric. What the fuck? Sundai looks like she's supporting her entire existence with that stance - her skin's going to slip off her or her Depend is going to bring her pants down or something. This looks like an add for Ensure's new sports drink of thirst aid: for that deep down body enfeeblement.
And I know that by shitting on that, I'm totally doing the same stupid shit that Jay did when he critiqued the way these girls modeled in, like, one frame of an activity that none of them had done before.
Anyone can look stupid doing something they've never done before. The difference is that America's Next Top Model encourages booty tooching while looking stupid doing something you've never done before.
Jen's shot gave the perpetually witty Jay Manuel the opportunity to invoke Nefertiti Jazzercise imagery.
So on the mark, Jay. Like orange paint on a pimple.
6. Oh, and let's not forget the set-up for bringing them to the non-fashion capital of Hawaii (Tyra couldn't even spin this one -- not even a phoned-in "Hawaii inspires me 'cause it's beautiful...").
Caution! Caution! Flagrant narcissism!
I really loved when they opened the gate and found the dude in the bio-hazard suit and were all scared that someone was going to eat them.
Again: I think it's Tyra that's motivating the fear here.
I understand why these girls often think something's going going to eat them: because it is.
(They are lil' piglets in her skillet, if you will.)
I can't decide what the best thing about this big, dramatic Hawaiian reveal was: Jen's interpretive dance in celebration of the state...
...(because trees doing their funny bending in tsunamis is what I look most forward to in a tropical paradise), or this fleeting face that Tyra made while she was doing something stupid, also in celebration of the state:
I think Tyra's hapa is a pair of throw pillows and a grouper.
7.
"Today, Tara wants you girls to learn how to surf."
Tara? Jaysus, Murray and Jossip, don't expect to see Sophia Beschen in these parts again.
8. But then again...
...Natalie popped up again, and we have been given every indication that her split with Tyra was less than amicable. So, you know, sometimes the impossible happens: Mariah Carey rediscovers love, Tyra has no hard feelings for someone who dared defy her, Natalie shows up looking (in some examples) like a completely different person...
What a wacky, wonderful world!
9. And how 'bout Erin's song?
Biggest revelation: Jen likes to fart. That is gripping stuff right there. Why didn't we know about this earlier? Where's a clip show when you need it? I'd say Jen's willingness to really get in there and treat Laura's sunburn just about corroborates Erin's claim...
Certainly, she fears no gas.
I have to say, though, that instead of Erin's song, I'd rather win some jewelry. The reprise was cute, though.
10. I just want to point out this exchange, as sort of this show's absurdity in a nutshell:
Nigel: It's stunning. From top to toe. I look in your eyes, there's power. You've made it very modern.
J: Nigel saw something that I did not see. He says, "Beautiful from top to toe." Where your toes?
Tyra: Well, so you're modeling H to T even though your T's are not in the shot.
Kirsty Hume: I think it's absolutely stunning. I think you look so graceful.
J: And with all that carrying ons up in your necketries, you did not lose your neck.
Tyra: OK, thanks Nicole.
Pretty much everything said here (with the exception of Kirsty's statement) is utter nonsense. Like, it should not be comprehensible, and yet it is. I feel like via this show, I've learned a new language. Keeping with the mixing theme, it's like a bitch track meets the Mad Tea Party. How is a raven like a writing desk? 'Cause, bitch, they both werrrrrk.
Oh, and add this to the nonsense:
"Every single client and photographer you're ever going to meet are actually judging you." No pressure, though, girls. Jesus, no wonder why the paranoia is running so thick.
To that point, maybe this episode was less this...
...and more this:
It made me tremble inside, but not in the good, penisy way.
I'm lost without these recaps. Thanks rich!
Posted by: Sara | November 03, 2009 at 12:14 PM
HIIIIIGHHHHH!
I love it, as always.
Posted by: Amanda | November 03, 2009 at 12:27 PM
"Anyone can look stupid doing something they've never done before. The difference is that America's Next Top Model encourages booty tooching while looking stupid doing something you've never done before."
Top Model in a nutshell? y/y?
Posted by: Annie | November 03, 2009 at 12:30 PM
I love Erin the leprechaun. With her frosty eyebrows and impishness, she reminds me of...
Jack Frost
or this one
Posted by: Lauren | November 03, 2009 at 12:32 PM
I was reading about Lou Jing yesterday, the half-Black, half-Chinese girl currently taking shit from commenters on a Chinese "Idol" show, and couldn't figure out why she looked so... familiar to me. Your recap has reminded me, it's Jen's unfortunate hapa condition!
Lou Jing
Posted by: kdub | November 03, 2009 at 12:34 PM
Sundai looks 4 feet tall..
Posted by: Mon | November 03, 2009 at 12:40 PM
Fun recap (as always). Love the gif's. Tyra chews like a cow. America's Next Top Masticator.
Posted by: annie | November 03, 2009 at 12:45 PM
I swear, more than anything else, this is turning into the cycle of cheapness. First the "international" destination is in the US? They cut back from five judges to four? They have to get Tyra to photograph them twice? Honestly, I think the only reason they wanted short girls this cycle was so that the could save money by using less clothes and makeup on their short short short SHORT bodies and lesser amounts of surface area.
Posted by: Stephanie | November 03, 2009 at 12:54 PM
no reference to the fact that when erin said she didn't know anything about tibet, except it needs to be freed....and then tyra telling her she could have asked tyra about tibet (duh!)...and all tyra could muster was something about the dahli lama, etc, uhm, you know,...just priceless
Posted by: sf2223 | November 03, 2009 at 12:58 PM
"It made me tremble inside, but not in the good, penisy way."
I can't wait to use this in a meeting.
Posted by: Jeb | November 03, 2009 at 01:12 PM
Erin as the Leprechaun ("I wants me pot of gold") could be one of your greatest GIF's evah.
I was prepared to be distressed by the hapa shot but the makeup element didn't distress me (as opposed to the Indian headdresses, etc. straight out of Birth of a Nation.) It made me wonder what I would look like given the chance. I grew up wanting to be Pam Grier after I caught Foxy Brown on the late late show.
That was a real surprise seeing Natalie wasn't it? Could a rapprochement with Adrienne be far behind? Could Tiffany ("We were all ROOTING for you") turn up on Top Models in Action?
Posted by: Vanessa M | November 03, 2009 at 01:16 PM
I thought Erin's "evil smile" GIF looked very Grinch-y, if the Grinch got his self a bottle of peroxide. Bwah-ha-ha.
Posted by: BeeBelle | November 03, 2009 at 01:33 PM
I suppose it is a comment on how formulaic the show is that I have not watched in a few seasons and still appreciate the recaps just as much.
Also: why is someone from Botswana called a "batswana"? I'm sure there is an explanation, but it's just seriously odd.
Posted by: twitter.com/veganjesus | November 03, 2009 at 01:42 PM
I would think hawaii would be a more expensive place to stay than say... burma. Maybe they're staying in the US because the international community just don't like short models [re: the go-sees in amsterdam].
"If she isn't one of those girls, than you just created the tornado that doesn't exist, Tyra. How's that feel? Easy and breezy, I'm assuming"
Ha! Love it.
I wasn't really bothered by the race-painting stuff until I read:
1) that hapa is a term specific for hawaiian native mixed race people, and shouldn't be thrown around all willy nilly 2) your statement "successful provocation involves taking something that's outright offensive, and brushing right up next to it... while making your pretense of a higher purpose apparent all along the way." Their pretense was to get people talking about the show right? They weren't really celebrating anything
I just found it funny how they admitted to grabbing random artifacts to define which cultures they were using, and that they knew they were stereotyping. I love how the girls had no idea where these places were or what they were really supposed to be representing. Dumb, and not really celebratory... but FIERCE.
But thats all me being the devil's advocate.
Brittany looked really pretty in that first crying picture. And nicole = awesome in the photoshoot.
[If I posted this twice: my internet connection is sketchy, so my bad, sorry]
Posted by: Victoria | November 03, 2009 at 01:48 PM
That little imp Erin smiles just like the Grinch in your first gif. of her. I kept scrolling down expecting to see his smiling face directly beneath hers... the resemblance in uncanny. I would also like to say that I used to be self conscience of my teeth until I got a load of hers. Now I know it could be much worse.
Posted by: Nicolette | November 03, 2009 at 02:04 PM
Eh, Hawaii could have been because there's no international market (but why not someplace in Asia?) but it was probably more about the budget. No permanent judge, no Sutan/Christian Marc, Tyra for two photoshoots, even Tyra's wardrobe budget was cut.
As for the photoshoot, I don't know if it was offensive but it was poorly executed from costume to make-up to Tyra's inconsistent photos. One girl is head and shoulders, two girls are full length and the other three are somewhere in-between. Way to be consistent Tyra.
But the biggest WTF, Sundai still not being cut. So she's outlasted Rae and Brittany and that is beyond wrong.
As for Natalie, eh, she's working and not appearing in Playboy so she's got that over Adrianne. Plus, no one has gone off on Tyra like Adrianne so that's another thing in Natalie's favor. She also appeared on the C12 reunion show on the talkshow. Adrianne refuses to go anywhere near the talkshow. Besides, better Natalie than a repeat of a girl who's already gotten the spot before which they've already done this cycle at least twice.
Posted by: milkyaqua | November 03, 2009 at 02:25 PM
What's with the guest judges this season? I thought they usually got someone who was somehow related to what they had done in the episode, but this cycle, all of the guest judges seem rather random. More budget cuts?
Posted by: cat | November 03, 2009 at 02:26 PM
If you want to celebrate diversity, hire diverse models. Anytime you paint faces to characterize or caricature a so-called race, you're being racist. Intent has nothing to do with it. Whites who put on blackface did not consciously think they were being racist. No. They thought they were being funny. Tyra Banks thinks she's being diverse.
All I saw in these models was absurd darkness. How does one look "Mexican" or "Greek" with paint? For that matter, Tyra claimed to be celebrating hoppas--individuals of mixed race. Well, Tyra, most people are mixed race. Indeed, I can't imagine that Tyra Banks, a black woman with light skin and Euro-leaning features, is not mixed race. She may not have one white parent and one black parent, but she is most certainly mixed race.
Tyra Banks made an assumption very similar to those made by old-time racists who donned blackface. Even in focusing on mixture, she assumed that Greek or Mexican or American Indians all look the same and can be reduced to a skin color or phenotype.
Most laughably, she thinks that skin color or race is the same as "culture."
I don't think everyone needs to go to college, but Ms. Banks would have greatly benefited from a little more education. She sorely lacks critical thinking skills.
Posted by: Katie | November 03, 2009 at 02:29 PM
i was sort of annoyed they didn't change sundai's skin color...
Posted by: becky | November 03, 2009 at 02:31 PM
"Yo! As I was shooting you, I felt like I was shooting catalog..."
Because Tyra has been hired to shoot like so many catalogs right? NOT! And because any model under 5'7 is going to shoot anything other than catalog right? NOT! Ah TYTY!@$T@T^
Posted by: Allen | November 03, 2009 at 03:01 PM
Tyra Banks is a bigoted, ignorant narcissist.
Nothing new under the sun. The stereotypes were predictable. Greek=Swarthy, Mexican=Mestizo, east Indians wear saris, Native Indians wear giant headdresses, Sundai's hapa was Webster/Punkie Brewster, and Nicole appeared to have just came out of a fire or mudbath, but still looked gorgeous.
I'm surprised Erin didn't get put in a monk's robe.
Posted by: Farah | November 03, 2009 at 03:02 PM
sorry for the brief nerdiness...
@ urban. in bantu languages different prefixes denote the language/place/culture/people. "tswana" is the stem. "BAtswana" is the people. "SETswana" is the language.
in other news, does no one remember that this is not the first incident of blackface on antm? they switched up the girls' races back in season 4 with the "got milk" photoshoot and made them hold babies from other races while they were at it!
in other other news, hilarious as usual. i was lost yesterday without my regularly scheduled recap! thanks for the post!
Posted by: andrea | November 03, 2009 at 03:23 PM
I thought the race theme was almost as cringeworthy as the homeless model theme. People from India tend to find the term 'East Indian' offensive; to hapa it up with Native American was agonizing!
Posted by: cloudy | November 03, 2009 at 03:27 PM
I heard on the Wendy Williams show last night that Eddie Murphy is on the judging panel for November 18th's episode? Apparently his video-vixen daughter is modeling in the finale show. wtf.
Posted by: steph | November 03, 2009 at 03:54 PM
Erin's smile = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M4FcHxDBel0
Posted by: m-e | November 03, 2009 at 04:11 PM