Smile with your bloody eyeball!

 

Tyra done picked a pretty 'un this time!

Ah, parting is such sweet freedom. Sorrow! I mean sorrow!

60. Laura

Laura's crying because Gramma Wanda Sue wrote her a letter telling her that by placing this far in ANTM, she's gone further than anyone else in her family. Well, keep your feet in the cow patties and keep reaching for those 15 minutes, clan!

61. Laura

 

Watching Laura take defeat so hard was rough. I actually haven't come this close to tearing up since Toccara said, "My mommy didn't raise me and my daddy didn't raise me," and then a bunch of other stuff that was even less specific and more difficult to understand. In that case, I (almost) cried out of frustration. Not quite the same case here, but all I'm saying is that it's nice to feel something every few years.

62. Laura

 

Laura said she's sure her family won't be disappointed that she isn't America's Next Top Model. I mean, even if she won, she wouldn't be, anyway. I'm sure they all grasp that.

I'm not recapping the clip show (here's a thumbnail: Kara invents clever games, Rae has an OCD approach to dental care, Bianca got ants in her purse/underwear/shaved eyebrows and Sundai loves deviled eggs so much that she'll risk eating bugs to consume them), but it did include, by my very cursory look (I watched it while I was working out) three more instances of crying (all Erin):

63.

 

64.

 

65.

 

Fun fact: Erin was the only girl from this cycle to get in touch with me. (So, no video interviews this time -- I'm sure you're crushed.) I'm not saying this to brag (ADMIT IT: YOU ARE JEALOUS OF MY INBOX), but to point out that the sense of humor she seems to have about herself surprised me. The opening sentence read: "This is, ahem, 'Imp Erin' or whathaveyou, and I just thought perhaps you would slightly enjoy knowing that I am rather torn-up about my elimination simply because I won't be featured on your blog anymore." Cute, right? I obviously enjoyed her and her outward displays of evil very much this cycle (as someone who cried over B's on math tests in middle school, I could relate to her extreme perfectionism), and this only made me think more of her. If she ever comes to New York, I've got a pot o' gold with her name on it!

Oh, and thanks to the perennial number-crunching of reader Toho, here's the final Crying Count tally (click to enlarge):

Laura had the most instances of crying. That's mah girl! Nicole had the least. I guess with all that blood up in her eyeball, there's little room for tears.

Anyway, let's do this one last time (for a while):

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

 

"So, now the girl that sits in the bathroom stall is a finalist."

I really like this as a title, maybe even more than "the girl with all the potential in the world," (aka the previous first runner up in the Favorite Titles of All Time title match in my head -- the titleholder for my favorite title of all time is Miss Grand National Star Grand Supreme, or the title Swan Brooner goes on to win in Living Dolls). (Also, here's me typing the word "title" a few more times because I haven't gotten it all out yet: title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title title.)

Meanwhile, while Nicole's in the bathroom stall with her pads and self-satisfaction from carrying multiple titles, the boys who sit in the bathroom stall are merely sexually frustrated (or not, depending on who's sitting next to them, I guess!).

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"At first, I was like, what is this kinda walk? (Grunts.) But it was a signature walk."

I thought that Bre or some such imp yammered incessantly about her signature walk only to be shot down by panel, who informed her that a walk needs to be more than just signature to be special. I mean, if Nicole got down on her ass and moved by scooting herself along with her arms, a la animals with worms/dirty butts that they are somehow conscious of, that would be a signature walk, too, right? Because seriously, the only signature on this...

 

...is Captain Caveman's.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

 

"Dyslexia, who?"

Dyslexia Colby Jack Off Al Johns Winston Juzwiak to you, Tyra, as I am now apparently a drag queen in name. (Not to mention spirit. And, fine: wardrobe.) Enchanté!

I'll make the rest of this recap quick by focusing on each girl and then we'll be done and wave this cycle goodbye thusly:

 

First up is the first-runner-up:

 

First of all, congrats on defeating dyslexia!

 

See what a wireless mascara brush can do? I don't even use mascara (except when I'm in drag aka always), and I know that shit is game-changing.

 

Game-changing like the climax of A Clockwork Orange, but game-changing all the same. Really, though, I know that dyslexia can be debilitating, but it does go to show that it doesn't have to be. In the contact I've had with dyslexics, I feel like the frustration that comes as a result of the condition can be more of a problem than the actual condition. Anyway, great character arc, this overcoming dyslexia thing. It couldn't have been timed better if it were scripted.

And speaking of things being perfect enough to be scripted...

Where is Laura from again? And is she dyslexic and poor? And can you believe it, because she can't? Perhaps if she keeps repeating it, one day she will - there is a lot to be said about learning through repetition. 

To be fair, Laura is pretty damn unbelievable:

Nigel (during shoot): What are you thinking?
Laura: Milkshakes!
Nigel: What else do you like besides milkshakes?
Laura: Little baby cats. ("Calfs?" sic?)

Amazing, right? I bet scratch-and-sniff stickers, googly eyes and Polly Pocket would also make the list if she had to lay it out. What a joyful girl this is. Fuck Nigel for this: "I was asking Laura to think of emotions, to think of things to inspire her. But I'm afraid her emotions were, 'Milkshake!'" Look, I know all about retelling things to make them sound as stupid as possible, but this is really just wrong. Her emotions weren't, "Milkshake!" The things that inspire her were. That's different. Also, this really just seemed like typical Laura endearing doofiness at first, but then it hit me: as a model (even a reality show one), homegirl's gotta be hungry. She isn't silly, she's starving.

 

And also: diabolical. I think she's on the right track, though -- since she did not strike gold on this show, perhaps she can seek fortune in oil.

One more moment of Laura-helmed joy: when she was talking to Tyra about how unbelievable a model hailing from a small town was (which...???), she added, "I guess they think [models] come from outer space or something!" Tyra was all...

 

"Thas crazy!"

Oh, and speaking of crazy, I love that Tyra put "petite model" in quotes when referring to Nicole...

 

...like it was so ridiculous that anyone would call her that. Listen lady, you had air quotes around this whole damn cycle!

But before I get to Nicole, a few quick bullet-points:

- The styling of the fashion show?

 

It looked like bukkake with a twist. Something like the aftermath of being female-ejaculated on by Lisa Frank.

- J's sleeves were looking awfully perky:

 

Full maturation is a beautiful thing, especially when it comes to shoulder-boobs. Mmmm...shoulder-boobs. I actually looked for like 20 minutes for the right nipples to position just so on them in this shot...

 

And then I realized how absolutely inane that idea was. Such is my life.

- I'm really proud of this cycle for being consistent with the conjoinment motif through the bitter end:

- Not so proud of the CoverGirl shots, though...

 

Laura in particular looks like she's covered in felt, or perhaps upholstered in the skin of a child pageant queen. (You know how they always look like puppets in their glamor shots?) Oh well, at least she's the Grand National Star Grand Supreme of my heart.

- I cannot believe Gilles Bensimon came back after all these cycles!

 

Now I know how Celie felt when Nettie returned!

- Ann Shoket is so not down with the girls like this:

 

This kinda made me sad actually, because it struck me that this woman must be extremely lonely. :( At least the girls who were going away never to come back into her life were nice to her. :( :(

- Why do you think Jay Manuel was standing so far away from the girls when addressing them before the CoverGirl shoot?

 

My guess: gas.

Also, when he laid out the introduction ("So, someone who knows all about having fans and signing autographs and taking photos..."), I was expecting to see anyone, anyone in the world to trot out before Teyona. I would not have been surprised if Cousin It, Lisa's tree friend from Cycle 5 hopped out. But Teyona? Having fans? Signing autographs? Taking photos? Pshaw.

 

Oh well, at least this show backs up its claims. It sure showed me!

I love that Tey-bot addressed them with a pitch. This is frequently how all old winners address those still in the running, it's just that Teyona was particularly bad at it: "Now, this is your final chance to stand out and impress the judges, so it's a good thing that Lash Blast doubles the size of your lashes. You're gonna have big, bold, look-at-me lashes."

When I saw Nicole go...

"Right on. Look-at-me lashes," in response, I knew the Kool-Aid had been drunk. Frankly, I think Teyona knew, too.

 

That counts as an endorsement, right?

Oh, Nicole, she's not a bad winner. I like that she is something of a booger enthusiast. I really like that she is a self-pronounced dork.

 

Although, "I'm a dork and I'm America's Next Top Model," could be said for practically all of the winners at this point. It's something of a motto. But what I love the most is that, as clever reader Jennifer R., pointed out to me...

 

...her final outfit was extremely similar to Molly Ringwald's in Pretty in Pink, except maybe even more hideous. Next time pick Duckie, not fringe, Nicole!

Anyway, Nicole is America's Next Top Model's first petite winner ever, as Tyra announced, which is true if you don't count Eva, whom I believe was even shorter. But whatever. Our brains our mush at this point. Who can even think back that far?

To Nicole I say: don't forget to remember to be yourself!

No, seriously, our entertainment depends on it:

 

To Tyra I say: get a real job! To J I say: buy a bra. To Jay Manuel I say: Gas-X. To Laura I say: please don't invest your self worth in what other people think of you. You are too magical for that. Drink your own milkshake. To Sundai I say: take the bugs out your mouth.

To you I say: thank you for reading. Aloha, world! No really, aloha, world!

Comments

[Ender Wiggin]

first!

[Kateeeeeeee]

I am getting completely fed up with this show, but I will ALWAYS love the recaps! Even better than the actual show! Thanks!

[Meagan]

This is actually the first cycle where I've found myself rooting for both finalists (although I do think Nicole makes a better model). I was happy to learn that Laura won Fan Favorite on the Tyra show, and actually got a great prize: 6 months paid rent in a luxury apartment building in NYC!!! Good for you, Laura----you won't have to confront parking meters here, either!

[Kateeeeeeee]

Ohmigosh, was I the first poster? Wow, do I win teh internets?

What made Laura's loss more poignant was the fact that she seemed like the "type" of girl who would win ANTM, i.e. she had "personality", whereas BE was criticised for her lack thereof. And BE hardly cried at all!!! So I think Laura really expected that she would win.

I think Tyrant knew that Laura anticipated a win, and didn't give the title to Laura just so that she could savour the sweet, sweet taste of Laura's crushing disappointment, which she first generated and then entrapped using a device à là Ghostbusters to use later in her rejuvenating beauty treatments, à là Countess Bathory.

By the way, I've been reading stuff about Tyrant, and I saw an interview with her on Nightline, and sheesh! but that woman is getting creepier and creepier.

I think there is a seriously large nervous breakdown in the cards for her, probably when her shows are no longer popular (give it 5 years) and her black starts to crack (i.e. she gets old beyond the repair of plastic surgery).

I will savour any public display of total insanity that Tyrant reveals (more than the present) to an equal extent or perhaps to an amount exceeding my enjoyment of these recaps. Can't wait!!!! Glee!

[JonBenet]

Udon came out of my nose. You made me laugh a noodle outta my nose...

[milkyaqua]

Tyra would need to be self-aware to have some sort of mental breakdown. Anyway, the right girl won and yes, she's taller than Eva. Congrats to Laura too for her six months rent in NYC. Wilhelmina has already moved faster than Elite. Thursday they met with Nicole and sent her to a Garnier Fructis casting. As of yesterday, she's up on their site with lovely new test shots. This season was actually not bad (okay, Sundai and Jennifer got too far). I think Gilles Bensimon sucked up the budget this cycle. I won't even pick on Nicole for her runway walk since nobody from C13 is getting near a runway even if all the agencies lie about their measurements. Thanks Rich for recapping and hopefully we'll see you for C14.

[Maggie]

Good lordy, I will miss these recaps. 'Til next time, Rich.

[Ben]

"...Something like the aftermath of being female-ejaculated on by Lisa Frank."

hahahahahaha

best/worst reference ever.

[victriola]

A There Will Be Blood reference. Awesome.

[Ben]

p.s.

http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r287/melbatoast2483/myspace%20posters/Panda_Jenn_Lisa_Frank_Style_by_Pand.jpg

[Vanessa M]

I have to say I got choked up over Laura's loss. She took it really hard, poor baby. There was a girl in C2, she was Iranian I think and had hid her whole presence on the show from her traditional family. Sarah was her name maybe? When they let her go, her anguish was painful.

Speaking of C2, I believe it was Camille who first latched onto a signature walk and it was she who inspired Bre. Yes, it's ridiculous I know any of that.

Best top two in some time tho, eh? In a similiar vein, Teyonna=displaces Saleisha easily as worst winner ever.

[kidelo]

"Now I know how Celie felt when Nettie returned!"

bwahh ha ha ha ha ha haaaa!

Now I can fully picture Mister with shoulder boobs in peace. Gracias.

[Bianca James]

I felt the need to share this quote from Laura's blog:

"Kirkpatrick was in North Carolina to model outfits made by her grandmother, Sue Kirkpatrick of Stanford, for a photo shoot with an uncle."

I love how this was phrased to make it sound like she has actual modeling work.

[Miss Lisa]

Well, that's just dandy. Thanks, Rich. I forgot to watch the finale (again). Something tells me I'm not as "involved" in this show as I used to be, just like the judges. Glad Nicole won. She deserves the fabulous prizes. Laura--you're such a sweetheart. You won our hearts.

And:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/I-hate-people-who-say-1st-as-the-first-comment/113618688082

[Vicki]

@Bianca James - Laura has a blog? Someone please share the link!

Rich, hilarious recap. I'll echo the poster above: "Now I know how Celie felt when Nettie returned!" = best line of the season.
Thank you for another "cycle" of joy (wow that sounds like a PMS reference...)

[mysterygirl!]

In her Cover Girl ad, Nicole looks oddly like Jamie Luner from Just the Ten of Us / Savannah / Melrose Place / All My Children / etc. etc.

[Jawn]

I repeat: Jay stole Bianca's elimination shirt.

[Dodger]

great recap Rich. but first can you maybe hoist up the shirt a little, and take off the earrings... thats more blogging h 2 t. This was a predictable cycle, but had some of the prettiest girls in quite a few seasons. some didn't give enough neck, i don't think i saw one broken down doll (a toe doesn't count, though a broken toe does), and the disabled girl got shafted once again, it's her time.
Your round the clock coverage of 13 young women locked in a mansion with one m&m is always fun and funner, it's serisouly 50% of the show's enjoyment. thanks again rich!!

[Janelle]

Laura makes Tyra seem likable with this post: http://www.laurasmodellife.com/?p=134
(This entire blog is written by Laura, with all of her dyslexic and country sweetness). :)

I was pretty entertained by the look she gave the girls after the runway challenge though, when they were gushing about how excited they were. It felt like they were so beneath her, since she's like the second coming of the Lord or some shit. That, or it was just hard for her to believably act like Nicole's walk was good.

And I usually always hope that the girls will get over their modeling dreams and move on since, well, they won't have much success. I really want Laura to get somewhere with this though. She's really incredibly cute, just sayin.

[Dara]

Thanks for the good times, Rich. I have to say, I think Nicole is the best girl Ty-Ty's picked in forever.

I hope she can make something of her 15 minutes...Laura, too.

[Liane]

Anne Shirley would have been in heaven over Miss J's puffed sleeves.

[Jaclynn]

AND! take note, first redheaded winner EVER! thank you Tyra, just as I finished bitching about how it was necessary to have a whole cycle of unsaleable short girls when there has NEVER been a single genuine ginger contestant (although Nicole had some daywalker blood) as a proud Ginger, Thank you - finally - Thank you

[LadyHAHA]

"Something like the aftermath of being female-ejaculated on by Lisa Frank."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

See you next cycle!!

[Colleen]

I love that you love The Color Purple.

[steele]

Haha, "upholstered in the skin of a child beauty pageant queen?" That's a particularly disturbing comparison Rich... What a fantastic end to a decent cycle! Thanks!