Sundai'll come out tomorrow

Sundai promised she'd tell her tale of orphanhood if she made it to the Top 4. Given this show's reliance on catharsis and oversharing, you would think that alone would have cruised her through. But no: orphan, interrupted. I can't tell if that means the show is maturing or that like everyone else, it just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

49. Erin

 

I thought I couldn't love this devious little scamp more, and then she went and blew her nose in her hair. It turns out that I never knew love or glamour like this before.

50. Sundai

 

Since ANTM is "more important than living" to Sundai, I guess this is the part where she dies?

Such an effective death scene, too. In fact, it's impressively effective for a show that's so broadly displayed, and becoming so in on its joke, it seems like John Waters could be on the other end of the camera, driving Laura into an Edith Massey-sized frenzy to convey something as simple as the word "ocean"...

 

...(and don't even get her started on eggs...or Spam)...

Anyway, all of that said, I actually bought Sundai's over-the-top display. There was real emotion there! Like ashtrays and art! Good show, good show!

51. Jen

I'm disappointed that we only get a single tear -- I wanted to compare and contrast tears from an eye affected by ptosis and one that is not.

(OH YEAH, PTOSIS, REMEMBER THAT?)

52. Laura

 

I'm glad I was only able to catch this as the camera was moving, so that it's blurry. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing my girl cry in clearer resolution.

53. Sundai

 

Oh Sundai: just stick up your chin and grin and say: "FUCK TYRA." Really, it'll feel a lot better especially after being on the receiving end of her condescension:

Interestingly enough, Erin's so used to being in the Bottom 2 by now that she isn't even crying about it anymore. This is just like Martyrs, when the girl stopped resisting the abuse and went onto have ecstatic visions. There is a very confusing, ambiguous ending in your future, Erin! Keep doubting!

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"When you're shooting for women, women like to see the side, they like to see curves.

 

Men, they like to see more straight on.

So you have to be aware who your audience is."

It's amazing how coherent Tyraisms can be when delivered by someone else. Granted, this is a very basic one, but it just goes to show that you don't need a trapeze act or a monkey tricycle gang or an endlessly loopable facial expression to prove your point. That makes this, like, exponentially informative!

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

(We hear the strains of big-top music and elephants sounding when a clown wearing a gold sash and long-aired dachshund on her head rises from the floor.)

"You can tell you're at the surface and it takes away that oh-my-god-ness."

Or, in the words of one of Sundai's cohabitants in what I'm assuming was a very musical upbringing: oh my god-ness, oh my god-ness!

(Sundai also shared her childhood with Oliver Twist, the girls of Rags to Riches and Esther of The Orphan There's Something Wrong With Esther Can You Keep a Secret? A highly musical childhood, indeed, with the occasional counterfeit Electra complex.)

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"Light is your best friend as a model," said Tyra, who then closed her eyes, thus averting the light:

This is a reality show. She's not here to make friends.

Tyraism of the Week No. 4

"We don't want our photos to be the product of our excuses."

We do want them to be the product of flagrant narcissism, our one-episode initiative to save the environment and that one time Tyra was in the pool with her friend being all weird and lezzie and posing for pictures with only her eyes above water.

1. More Marissa!

 

She's like what Fergie would look like if that meth lab explosion hadn't started a years-long facial melting or whatever the fuck is going on with Fergie's face.

LOVE THIS BITCH. I love that she gave a ton of clear and direct advice that didn't sound nearly as bullshitty as most of the stuff on this show (see Tyraism 1) and that she came on and took Nigel aback with a simple act of positive reinforcement ("You all did a fantastic job!")...

...and exposed a foot fetish, which was then, of course, taken to a ridiculous extreme...

 

 

I'm a little amazed that Tyra didn't attempt to juggle or open peanuts with hers. Certainly, Nigel looks prepared to play them like maracas. SAVE IT FOR BRAZIL, Footballer69! (That's his screen name. I know because he's always sending me weird requests for me to take pictures of my feet using the distortion filters on Photo Booth, which is weird and gross.)

I love how Tyra was like, "YES!" when Marissa mentioned Barbie toe at panel...

 

...like she was talking about some obscure 78 they'd listen to when they shared their two-room model apartment with 75 other girls, huddled around the Victrola for the warmth that could be acquired from the turntable's friction and waiting for the record to be over so that they could chew on the vinyl for sustenance.

Also, I love her because of this:

When I look at that gif, all I can hear in my head is the saxophone-led opening of "Rumpshaker." Marissa Miller's booty tooch makes me feel like a kid again (especially because she didn't refer to it as a "booty tooch").

2. Also love that she had the girls roll around in the sand like abandoned amputees...

 

 

For, like, five minutes, this became Marissa's world, and the absurdist nature of her light sadism had me humming, "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here." I think if Drake would have walked out holding a tray, I would have spontaneously ejaculated.

The results were, of course, gorgeous:

 

 

How nice of Jen to become Cannibal Holocaust for a fleeting moment...

 

Funnily enough, there was a turtle motif in this episode and everything! Just remember: nothing is a coincidence. And to that point...

 

...this turtle is totally smizing.

3. I love Jen so much. When she said that she thought the shoot was going to find them dressed as animals, take a beat and then cackle...

 

...I thought, "She's losing it!" And then, later when she told panel, "I hold my breath whenever you guys give me critiques. After I walk out of here, I'm a little lightheaded," I knew she was losing it.

 

It's the time of the cycle when the circus acts, arbitrary rules, weird factoids to memorize and close living quarters start to break these girls down. I mean, look at her. She said that her brain did a cartwheel when Marissa Miller pulled up in that boat with all those stocky rower dudes. I do not think that Jen was being figurative -- I think appearing on this show literally makes your brain rotate clockwise in your skull. That's actually a great way to explain all the bizarre behavior we're privy to. Behavior like that of Jen in her interviews:

 

 

 

She's coming apart at the seams. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

4. If Jen's brain does cartwheels, I believe that Laura's does belly flops.

 

It is, to put it kindly, less graceful. Here are my favorite Laura quotes of the episode:

"I am deeply scared of drowning or suffocatin'." (How rare! What a strange, irrational fear! This isn't like snakes or the dentist or clowns. This shit is weird. I mean, really: what threat do drowning and suffocating pose anyway?)

"Why do I volunteer myself to jump off a cliff? I don't know!" (I think she answered her own question, actually.)

"Obviously, there's not, like, a lot of oceans in Kentucky." (She's saved by the "obviously"...barely.)

"It's fun to conquer your fears!" (I can't argue with this, it just sounds cute when you lay it all out there like that. It sounds like something that should punctuate a Sesame Street segment. Like, I don't know, "Me and My Llama" or the counting pinball machine. After all, who isn't afraid of the Pointer Sisters? Fear of the Pointer Sisters is a much, much more common fear than something obscure like suffocating.)

In all seriousness, it is awesome that Laura was able to get over herself and do the photo shoot...

 

...that is exactly the kind of petty victory that defines this show. I think this must guarantee her a spot in the Top 2.

Oh, but speaking of quotes, my favorite came from Erin: "Aw, it smells like fish." Perhaps it's because they were on a beach. Perhaps someone's underwear needs condemning. But I like to think that somewhere not far off shore, Tyra was again with that weird friend of hers, "posing" for "pictures" with "half of her face" in the "water." Nigel lurked nearby, treading water and waiting to present someone with his pearl necklace.

5. God, and how's this for a perfect visual metaphor:

Imagine the rocks are dignity and respect from both the modeling and real worlds. Also imagine that the biggest wave you're bound to hit is a Models in Action segment (or two!). See you next fall!

6. Soooo, how 'bout a Pretty Party? It's been a while and I even found a theme: people with their mouths hanging open. It's like a blowjobface/catching-flies combo. Call these people penis fly traps:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not that it ever wasn't, but I feel like now it's officially OK to refer to Laura as a slack-jawed yokel. It's not derisive if it's the truth.

Censored Jen (aka her alter ego Jensored)...

...concludes this week's Pretty Party.

7. Every single goddamn time people on reality shows go on boats, inevitably, they end up playing Kate and Leo...

 

NO MORE FUCKING TITANIC, PEOPLE. 

Hopefully Avatar will provide a new role-playing scenario. After all, this frequent homage is all about the genius of James Cameron, right?

8.

Best shot of the cycle, y/y?

I don't care that she's more Skipper foot than Barbie toe - this rocks like the Misfits. (Jem's nemeses, not Danzig's old band.)

9. I loved Erin's cupcake-triggered grunt.

 

She's 18 going on heart attack. At least hers would be the sweetest heart attack of all.

10. Blah blah blah, I'm cutting this short because it's mah birthday! Everybody loves me on mah birthdaaaaay!

 

But for real, it is. I'm 31 today. And still recapping this juvenile show for "fun." Whatever. Something's gotta keep me young.

I'm not saying this so you'll wish my a happy birthday. Do whatever you want. Wishing someone a happy birthday is a personal decision that should be made only after careful consideration. And also, not to be prematurely unappreciative or anything, but nothing anyone could say could possibly put more joy in my heart than this gif:

 

It's an uphill battle from here, well-wishers.

Comments

[AJ]

FIRSTTT!! AJ

[AJ]

hi rich :)

[m]

Wow. I never thought I'd find anyone who referenced Cannibal Holocaust while discussing ANTM.

[Heather]

Happy birthdaay Rich! (the extra a was for the emphasis Laura would put in if you imgined her saying it to you)

[Sarah]

Happy Birthday Rich! Great recap. I love "Me and My Llama" so much.

[yeah]

Happy Birthday! Weeooweeooo. May this year be your best one yet!

[BJCG]

HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAY.

I'm all contorted and twisted and barbie-toed about the top 2. I want Jen to win so that they can have an Asian winner not-so-ironically win the "short" cycle. But then again Nicole could easily take it and Laura might be the one to knock Jen out of the top 2.

Why do I care this much?

[twitter.com/brianjamie]

Happy Birthday Rich!! Awesome recap and I just wanna say I can't get enough of your blog (and pot psychology). You should seriously have your own "Soup"-esque tv show!

I need to go netflix Martyrs and Cannibal Holocaust now.

[Mel K]

Happy Birthday! :-P

[Mon]

Happy Birthday!

[steele]

YAY! I hope you have an amazing birthday! :D

[jordanbaker]

Yay! Happy Birthday!

(That is all, except that this recap almost blew my reading-at-work cover by forcing a snort-laugh out of me)

[Paddy]

Wow. Fourth! Happy birthday Rich. You make all my Mondays.

[Sara]

"Little girls, little girls, everywhere I turn, I can see them!"

[Allie]

Happy birthday!!

[Linda]

I can't believe you did not mention Sundai sucking her thumb!!!!

[Annie]

I hope you set that Laura Birthday mp3 as your ring tone today. I would expect nothing less.

[Erika]

Happy Birthday, Rich! Keep on blogging!

And, I know I'll probably be wrong, but I'm calling it: Nicole and Erin for the final two.

[Brook]

YES! Thank you so much for mentioning that Jem's nemesis was also named The Misfits. I thought I was the only one...or at least of my friends...that noticed. We are the misfits. Our songs are better!

AND:

Feliz Cupleanos a ti!

[Tara]

Happy birthday Rich. Thanks for the ANTM recaps. I look forward to them!

[always answer b]

Happy birthday, Rich! Thanks for being awesome and doing awesome recaps.

[twitter.com/iamheartless]

She's like what Fergie would look like if that meth lab explosion hadn't started a years-long facial melting or whatever the fuck is going on with Fergie's face.

LMAO

[sarah]

Well, Happy Birthday anyway!

[Leslie]

Happy birthday!

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=58008167]

Happy birthday Rich!

Also, can I take this opportunity to ask if you could be my thesis advisor? I soo want a masters degree in fourfourology!