The ptosis with the leastest

Alternate punny post title:

 

"Imp interrupted." Or "Impterrupted", even. Or, hey, how 'bout, "The evil, dead"? God, a double elimination yields an embarrassment of riches. Or an embarrassment of bitches, even. Hey, there goes another one. I'm like Lionel Richie: I can't slow down.

54. Laura

Moving on from the time of the cycle when the circus acts, arbitrary rules, weird factoids to memorize and close living quarters start to break these girls down, we're apparently at the time where the girls' brains break down. "I feel like modelin’s the best way that could make me happy, and also provide for my family," she told us. Given the investment in luck, the lottery's the best way that could provide for your family. Why not try that? You seem like the gamblin' type.

55. Laura

"I don't wanna go home with nothin'!" said Laura, later in the episode. Not nothing: a sense of tragedy and a trip back to Hawaii. Surely, that counts for something.

56. Laura

It's really hard to root for someone when it seems like winning will be a horrible thing for their mental health. Her eyes are on the prize, yes, but they aren't anywhere near the disappointment that immediately follows.

57. Jen

Just checking to make sure her face is uneven. It's her signature!

58. Erin

I expected a foam-mouthed hissy fit accompanied by shrieks of, "Me golllllllld! Someone stole me golllllllld!" The reality seemed dignified by comparison.

59. Jen

Jen's informs us that she's going to continue on and become a model, people. This is just in case you need more proof that perseverance sometimes equals tragedy. If I'm beating you over the head, sorry -- just trying to level the playing field.

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"But I think your skin looks beautiful, and I hate to say this, but a tan looks really good on you. And I don't like to tell girls that, because tanning is not healthy, so make sure you wear sunscreen."

More like praisescreen. If my self-image were at the mercy of another person and that person praised me, regardless of the qualification, I would continue doing exactly what I was just complimented on. Nice mixed message, Tyra. Disclaimers are for pharmaceuticals and DVD intros. Until you find a way to turn yourself into white text on a black screen, stop fronting.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"There is a tenderness, a mystery and a sexiness all wrapped up into one..."

...and its name is Tyra Banks, whose teeth apparently have started falling out and otherwise becoming jagged.

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"So this is one of our most dramatic eliminations, I'd have to say, in the history of Top Model. We've never had four that we're narrowing down to two."

You know how in kindergarten, a teacher would place arbitrary importance on a piece of felt or a clothespin with googly eyes glued to it or some such shit? And she (or in the rarest of cases, he) would somehow turn that thing into a prize or something to hold up to get the class to shut up or the thing you find while playing Huckle Buckle Beanstalk? That's what's happening here. They keep talking and talking and talking about the double elimination, as if that changes anything other than the fact that we won't get a finale stuffed with two elimination ceremonies for once. I mean, I guess that could be a big deal, because it normally would mean less talking from Tyra, except given the time she's spent explaining this, it doesn't mean less talking at all. Quite the contrary.

Oh, one more thing, although it isn't really a Tyraism. A double elimination means group hug. Awww! Look at how much she cares...

...about making girls' eliminations about her, not them:

Such compassion. Way to break up the sadness with humor and ego.

Allllsoooo, this isn't a Tyraism either, but as a statement even more absurd than anything Tyra's come up with so far, it's something of a reverse Holy Grail:

 

"You have many faces. Think from Day 1, I always thought you were the gold tooth in a mouth full of decay."

And J. Alexander is the orthodontic headgear in a Tyramouth full of jagged shards of teeth: he's an eyesore, yes, but determined to straighten your ass out.

 

I'm sorry, that's way too coherent of a metaphor. J. Alexander is the orthodontic headgear on a pair of exposed buttocks: serving no real purpose other than confusion. Hm, I think that still might make too much sense. J. Alexander is the orthodontic headgear on my tears.

Really, calling someone "the gold tooth in a mouth full of decay" makes no sense, unless you're referring to the single person in a disenfranchised group whose wealth somehow protects her from being disenfranchised. Laura's grandmother makes her clothes, OK? Ain't no gold up in here unless it's coming at us with "fool's" in front of it. His explanation was, predictably, stupid as, well, having one gold tooth in a mouth full of decay: "Meaning, one would look at you and kinda go, 'Uh, I'm not sure,' and then all of a sudden you get in front of the camera. You turn on, you pop on, you deliver." Oh, I get it, yes. She pops on like a gold tooth. She's cheap, tacky, and a lot like something Madonna once had in her mouth. Now it makes sense! Perfect!

1. To that and to this episode in general, I say:

 

2. Hip-hop hula. What a concept. What a stupid, needless blending of two things that didn't need blending. If it hadn't already been invented, ANTM clearly would have made it up. In that respect, it's perfect, like the breeding of two stupid mutts to make something stupider and muttier.

 

You know how every move in hula corresponds to a meaning so that it's all one big interpretive dance that more often than not involves the word "flower?" I loooooove that it's all interpretive dance and I love love love that it's so floral. (And yeah, My Antonio taught me all this, so forgive me if I'm off. But really, I can't imagine a reality show leading me astray.) Anyway, the move above says, "My flower is a huge fan of Can't Buy Me Love."

This says:

 

"My flower takes it up the stem."

 

"My flower balls its leaves up into fists that, dollars to donuts, end up in another flower's stem because, fuck yeah flowers are into fisting."

 

"My flower is a pretzel."

 

"My flower lifts its leg to urinate. It's one of those male-dog flowers, or maybe a female dog flower that's butch out of the necessity of asserting dominance."

Bitchflowers. Does anything smell sweeter?

I really love that this was all led by a woman that looks exactly what La Toya Jackson would look like if she never Jacksonized her face:

 

But, of course, the best thing about this is the best thing about any ANTM challenge: the potential smorgasbord of incompetence. You guys, Nicole's flower is disabled.

Look at how proud she is.

She has the pride of a culture that Tyra would refer to as "a proud people." Nicole is an Inuit/flower hapa.

One question, though: what the fuck kinda flower is a crunker?

2. Two.

 

Two. It's the number that comes after one. I know you've lived your life thus far in suspense as to what comes next, but there you go: two.

 

Tyra (with Jay as her extension here) seriously couldn't have bought a more rapt audience. I love that they all had very distinct reactions, some of them more than one...

 

These girls have become so good at ascribing meaning to nonsense. That's what they'll take from this experience.

3. And here is what I'll take:

 

Given the enthusiasm, you'd think that Laura had never been outside of the continental U.S., but no, actually she won a trip to the very same place she was already. The way I looped this is symbolic, she's coming and going to express excitement about going and coming.

Also, I would like to note that she thanked Jesus for winning this challenge. Normally, I'd scoff that but her victory was so arbitrary that Jesus or luck or whatever you want to call it probably did have a hand in it.

Also...

 

"I can't believe I'm in the Final 4. It seems like not too long ago, I was castratin' bulls and cuttin' hay!" It seems that way because it was that way, as you've told us 5,000 times already. Also, selling your bumpkin status is not very bumpkin of you, Laura. You're supposed to eat pigeon not hole it!

This was much better:

 

Jen: So, the Four Seasons Hotel is, like, a coveted hotel.
Laura: What's that mean?
Jen: It's, like, five-star. It's the kind of hotel that celebrities stay at.
Laura: Shut up.
Jen: Yeah.

See, now I'm convinced that she's never been outside of the continental U.S. all over again, even though I technically know otherwise.

4. Oh, and this?

 

Really, panel, you loved it that much? You loved it so much you coined a new megaword to describe what Laura's doing in it (smozing - smizing and posing), torturing us in the process? Seriously? Laura isn't smizing in this picture -- she's question-marking. She's quarking. She looks like she saw something shiny or someone said the word "coveted" right before the shot was snapped. She seriously looks like the possum in Fantastic Mr. Fox, when he goes into his possum daze:

 

I think that's way more accurate than:

 

Hey, Laura, covet:

 

See? Works every time.

Also...

 

Yuck. Ann Shoket thinks Nicole looks "long and lean" in this picture. Yes, but only if you're grading on a curve: Nicole looks long and lean as pregnant banana slugs go. 

As for the other two shots: whatever. I'm not commenting on those losers.

(Just kidding! We're all winners at the game of fake modeling. Some of us are just more winnery, that's all. Not all of us need to sing "one of those pop songs teenagers listen to" in our heads to soften up, ahem, Erin.)

(Just kidding! We're actually all losers.)

5. But I will eulogize Erin with my favorite way of saluting her anyway: by pointing out all the times in this episode that the Satan inside her just could not be contained:

 

 

 

 

I'm really going to miss her. I really hope that she possesses my soul so that I can carry her around for the rest of my split-pea-soup-barfing days. Dear Mr. Jesus, can we make that happen?

6. And speaking of motifs, I loved that Jay called out Jen for being a penis fly catcher.

 

Took him a while to notice, but he finally came around.

7. Oh my god, you guys, can you believe that there were just four of them left at the start of this episode...

 

...and now there are two?

 

They should invent something that explains the process of how numbers become less. I nominate calling it "subtraction." You guys, this is crazy.

But I have to say that this Top 2 is exactly what it should be. Nicole FTW, obviously, but I'm glad we got to see Laura through the end -- she really kept this thing fun and brimming with numerous dropped "G"s at the end of words.

I've run out of things to say, so I'll use this excuse: these are short girls, so this is a short recap.

 

Ta daaaa!

Comments

[pissyanne]

Awesome!

[steele]

I'm really going to miss the flailing Laura gifs once this is all over. And I have yet to see The FAntastic Mr. Fox. :(

[Lisa]

Rich, were you high on cold medicine this recap? You were extra hilarious.

[Jeb]

There was an awful lot of blowjob face in this episode.

[Passing Shot]

"Bitchflower", "inuit/flower hapa," "my flower takes it up the stem" -- my co-workers are looking at me in puzzlement as I wipe tears from my eyes.

Pure genius. Thanks Rich.

[Angelina Jolie Is Evil]

Best Top Two EVER!!!

[pikapika217.livejournal.com]

LMAO. I'm just glad Laura's kept up the funny all cycle. I'm proud of my baby gurl!

[Hannah]

Oh Nicole. She sells awkward like it's her own trademarked brand. Blaahhhhhhhhh. I miss Erin already.

If Laura wins, I really hope they reinstate My Life as a Covergirl. Laura getting ridiculously excited over marginal success is the only good thing that can come out of this cycle at this point.

[Jhg812]

"The Satan inside Erin." I love Erin, and still think this is hilarious.

[sara]

i have a disabled flower like nicole, dancing is not my thing.

love the recap

[Karen]

Great recap, as always, Rich! I just spotted Rae on the cover of Rochester Magazine in Rochester, MN:
http://www.rochestermagazine.com/

[?]

hannah - speaking of the MLaaCG - does anyone know why Tyron (I mean Teyona) didn't have to do those - I mean did she do ANYTHING for HER $100,000 (contract).

Seriously WTH - all the other girls had to - um - Earn their money.

Another crappy inconsistent judging. Mr. Jay seemed to think that Nicole had one of the best shoots ever and THAT was the picture Tyra picked.
And Erin rocked her pic and got tons of praise - Erin you rock FABULOUS picture, you are the best - buh-bye??

I like Laura and wanted her and Nicole and Erin in top 3 but still I think Erin kind of got shafted (or stemmed?).

Nicole is so awkward - I don't remember how she did at go sees - I hope she can actually do well not just in her pics.

BUT I am so glad that despite the edit for Jennifer, that she finally is out. She seems nice enough, but I don't like her as a model.

So was the early cut a cost saving measure?

[chelsea]

I feel strangely compelled to watch (and watch and watch) this show, even though it leaves me furious. Reading a recap soothes me. It reminds me that I am not the mythical Cassandra, calling bullshit and noticing how wrong stuff is when no one else does.

BTW, I hate Laura and as evil as Erin is, she's the better model.

[Victoriola]

Tyra mixed up 2 different jen-isms this episode! During the photoshoot jen asked if she could scream, during panel jen said sh got so nervous she couldn't breathe
Get it straight tyra or everyone is going to look at you like you're weird!

And how about that tyramail "Is the pressure making you feel like you want to explode? Not so fast... timing is everything.
Love tyra."

I think they purposely chose a bad picture for nicole to give some suspense if she'd make it to the final 2... I guess. I love that 4 second shot of her just awkwardly humping the air between her and jen.

Erins dialect was really prominent in this episode. Purplee!!

[Saint Austintine]

I love Nicole, but I kind of hope she doesn't win. That way she can become a model by her own devices and not have it given to her. She should be the next Elyse Sewell (Cycle 1).

[Dee]

Anyone noticed that Jen simply couldn't keep her mouth shut (seems like a trend of every Asian girl they featured)? Every single picture! If that is not the ultimate BJ face, I don't know what is ...

[@amboy00]

Nicole's final photo (yellow dress) was horribly photoshopped! Put it on photoshop disaster's site.

Look at her arm. The elbow should reach way lower than that. Her hand is almost as long as her forearm.

They dwarfed her arm and her feet as well.

[Jeff]

I'm surprised we didn't get a .gif of Erin smashing her head on the lights, even though an assistant walked right in the way. OH, and it seems Tyra is no longer hosting the show, but a twin named Tara. I'm sure i've heard it twice in the show.

[Jess]

What is Huckle Buckle Beanstalk?

[Maggie]

Your critique of Laura's photo made me spit out my root beer. "Quarking." It works because it's a combination of words, and because Laura's expression is about as spacey as the edge of the universe.

[Michael]

Nicole & Laura in the top 2 has been what I wanted most - and I actually got it! Agreed, Nicole FTW, she deserves it.

[Dodger]

She's still the ptosis with the mostest to me. i agree on bumpkin picture. ann shoket is the true satan on show, she bugs me so much. great write up.

[Guy Deluk]

Short yet delicious, thank you! Nicole FTW: agree.

[cloudy]

quarking.

[NotOkay]

Red is going to win. I'm wondering if they will get competitive with each other since they're the 2 "nice" girls.