Christmas for assholes

There are probably all kinds of socially irresponsible Christmas songs. For example, I hear (this is a lie) that the Italian Whatever National Whatever Their Whatever Their Organization Is really hates "Dominick the Donkey," because Italian Christmas donkeys don't represent the entire Italian donkey community. Do not let that donkey's blow-out seduce you, OK? The point (besides reiterating that Jersey Shore is my everything right now, and I am Jody Watley rhapsodizing it) is that we are force-fed this shit for the two months leading up to the worldwide shut down of civilization during the year's last week, and damn it, that's good enough of an excuse to bitch. (And keep in mind that I love Christmas, just not more than complaining. Complaining is the real gift that keeps on giving.) And so, here are two Christmas songs that really get my Italian Christmas goat:

NewSong's "The Christmas Shoes"

This narrative drivel purports to be about a child's wish to style his dying mother, since Jesus apparently examines shoes as well as souls (I have a compulsion to make a soul/sole pun, so I'm controlling myself as best I can by merely noting it). So that's beautiful and sweet and satisfying on a shallow level, which is obviously the level that heaven's working on. Christ, it's like Vogue up there! Anyway, that would be perfectly asinine, except the song isn't even about that, really: it's about its narrator helping said kid purchase the shoes and then bragging about it. This song is a vehicle for the narrator's generosity. Someone should tell this creep that the only kind of real charity is anonymous charity. Wouldn't it be nicer to pretend like the kid bought the shoes himself, so as not to steal his thunder, you fucking glory Grinch? This makes me wonder if those who claim, "It's better to give than to receive," don't realize how much space self-satisfaction takes up under the tree. This Christmas, give yourself the gift that lasts a lifetime: smugness.

At the same time, though, any little boy who's so into fashion that he's telling bearish strangers, "These shoes are just her style," is at least on the road to gay, so bravo to this Baptist group for looking past that or outright accepting it. Tolerance: a true Christmas miracle!

Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

I do not hate this song, primarily because it's a shit show of British pop in 1984, and 25 years later, I still can only recognize, like, half of the people involved. That makes me feel like I've done something with my life. Also, the galloping Euro disco bass line slays me. It's nice that it raised money for Ethiopia, too, I guess. But that came with the cost of cultural imperialism, and that bugs the shit out of me. The privileged egocentrism is nauseating: "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime," they sing as if Africans give a fuck about snow. They're trying to raise crops, here. It's not like grain or rice or whatever takes the last week off, too. But worst of all is the song's central question: "Do they know it's Christmastime at all?" The thing is, they might, except their Christmastime comes a little later (Ethiopian Christmas, Ganna, is celebrated January 7), so excuhuuuuse the Ethiopians if they aren't running around, smashed on egg nog and singing your extremely catchy song, British pop superstars of the mid-80s. It's a little early for them and they probably have other shit to do. "Do they know it's Christmas?" Do you know anything, supergroup?

But you know, they tried. And if nothing else, it's always nice to see Jody Watley. She's kind of my everything, too. When it comes down to it, I'm Jody Watley to Jody Watley, as well.

Comments

[Amanda]

Hahaha...that NewSong song is the absolute worst! Patton Oswalt did a bit on it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY

[Christine]

OH MAN. I have loved/hated Christmas Shoes since it played SIX TIMES A DAY at my retail job in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I also like that this kid's mom could die at ANY TIME and, instead of spending time with her, her son is out buying some shoes. Shoes for Jesus.

Also, when he says God sent that little boy to remind him what Christmas was all about? Really? God is killing this little boy's mommy so that you can feel some Christmas joy? Wouldn't it be easier to just watch It's a Wonderful Life?

I also submit for approval, Christmas in America: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smzFAtyABE0

[Eric]

Not sure if you've seen this yet, but if you haven't be prepared to laugh your ass and various other parts of your body off:

Patton Oswalt: Christmas Shoes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY

[Ashley]

Agreed! Those are my two most despised xmas songs EVER.

[Nicolars]

I still think Bono yelling "Well tonight thank god it's them instead of YOUUUUUUUUUU!" is the most fucked up line in pop history. He's like the irish Krampus.

[Royaldutch]

Oh my God, I am so ridiculously pregnant and hormonal that "The Christmas Shoes" made me cry.

[AL]

Ugh ugh ugh I HATE Christmas Shoes! My mom always starts crying when she hears it...it's terrible.

[Forneko.wordpress.com]

HAHAHA!! Never commented before but had to give kudos for your remarks on the Band Aid song. I have a special tie to Ethiopia and may be spending Genna there this January.

I'll report back if they are indeed smashed on eggnog.

[annie]

I detest that Christmas shoes song. It's caustic convoluted crap.

I also hate the mamacita where is santa claus song - it is usually sung by a white bread group which just makes it worse.

Give me Hard Candy Christmas by Dolly Parton or Santa Baby by the divine Ms Kitt. Or, anything on the Grinch soundtrack.

[annie]

LMAO at Christine's comment: "Really? God is killing this little boy's mommy so that you can feel some Christmas joy? "

[Erin]

Christmas Shoes makes me vom gingerbread cookies on Rudolph's head. Thanks for this special Christmas moment!

[Monica]

OMG I hate Christmas Shoes with a passion! I like how they try to suck me in with the use of of the children's choir, but I'm not falling for it. This song blows.

[lebeam]

hahaha!!! im ethiopian and i celebrate both american and ethiopian christmas ( you know to take advantage and stuff). we dont get drunk on eggnog just so you know. but i really do hate that song..... its really condescending.

[erical]

not that i like that horrible Christmas Shoes song AT ALL, but i think the line is "these shoes are just her SIZE"

and i'm not gonna lie, that damn song made me cry too, which is why it's a HORRIBLE song for christmas

[bibs]

Hehe. I love how Band-Aid is so inappropriate 25 years later. It's nice to see that as a society we've developed a quasi-awareness of our stupidity.

[Kit for kat]

First time commenter, long time reader here and I'm filled with joy that you bring up the ridiculousness of "Do they know it's Christmas" For some reason, this year particularly, I fuckin hate this song. FUCKING with a capital F!!!! It's the most piece of crap filled song ever recorded. So thank you, thank you kind sir, for lampooning this bullshit and seriously making my day.

Oh and to the person who posted the Patton Oswalt video, kudos, that made me cry with laughter. Honorable mention to you!

[Kate]

Christmas Shoes is possibly the worst fucking Christmas song EVER. Even my mom, one of the most Catholic-minded people I know, think it's a bunch of shit. That kid is a scammer.

[trick please]

I guess I'm in the minority because I'm a Christmas crazy- I will watch anything Christmas related even the religious shit.

*and I love 'Do they know it's Christmas'*. I feel better now that I've admitted it

[Geno]

Oh noooooo the Christmas shoes!!!!! I cannot stand that song either.

Another Christmas song I can't stand is "Mary Did You Know". No real reason behind it, just that it makes my ears bleed.

[Boodie]

Oh dear god, I blame menopause, but i just bawled my eyes out at that song.

I shall now die of shame in the corner.

[Bapril]

Love the banner.

Don't throw me down, Clark.

[Bapril]

Oh, and 'Christmas Shoes' is almost as bad as that damn 'Butterfly Kisses' song. Now I can't get it out of my head. Ugh.

[Lipstick on your Teeth]

Ugh, I just heard that Christmas Shoes song for the first time on Sunday--I swear to god--right after the Band Aid song. I was just shopping along and musing about the line "Well there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas." Wouldn't that be a disaster if there was? When that shoes song came on. Worst piece of crap ever.

I guess that's what I get for shopping in a Children's Hospital thrift store...

[bella (not because of Twilight)]

Yes! and Yes! Omigod YES!

[Liz]

Haha, I love Kate's comment about the kid being a scammer. I always thought that too. His "mom" probably wore kids' size 5 Nikes.

This isn't a Christmas song, but for some unknown reason they occasionally play it on the 24/7 Christmas radio station in my area. I'm all for stopping child abuse, but this isn't the way to do it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QT_xEye3b3M