Jackson family d'oh-nasty

 

For the amount of Jacksons that there are, The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty should have at least been a shit show, but its two-hour A&E premiere was really just a bunch of crap. If failing publicly has become the standard for reality TV, this was a failure to fail. It wasn't a trainwreck because they never left the station. As weird as the perpetually muttering Jacksons are, they're just as guarded, which means that the show is just a packaging of the ham-handed way the family has attempted to smooth out their lives and attempt to look normal for anyone who cares to watch. This results in something very boring. Of the four brothers profiled, only Jermaine sticks out because he seems particularly out of touch (he explains that because everyone knew Michael Jackson as superstar, no one can wrap their heads around him being a brother to Jermaine and the rest, as though the concept of siblings is unique to the Jackson family). Also, he seems to be wearing Michael Myers' mask, which makes him stick out, too. Jackie says Marlon's kidding all the time, but the greatest example of this we see is Marlon telling a waitress that Jackie wants his burger cooked in butter. Hilarious, right?

The elephant in the room is the renewed relevance of these four, thanks to Michael's death, though when confronted, Jermaine pretends that he gave birth to said elephant. "How are we cashing in on something we created?" he says, answering Entertainment Tonight's question with a question. His words come from the same place as his elephant: his ass. Here's how, Jermaine: for decades, no one cared about the shit you created until the person who actually built a long-term career from it died abruptly. Simple! Welcome back to TV.

If you care about the whereabouts of 3T, this may be the show for you. Me, I'd rather watch Joe's Blu-Ray. The biggest missed opportunity is the lack of the other Jacksons besides the Jackson 4. Katherine shows up in the first episode to scowl for a bit, and it's no surprise that Janet isn't involved, as she's the only one with a potentially salvageable career. Joseph is a fucking bastard, so you could imagine him not getting involved just on principle. But where, oh where is La Toya? You know that she would have done it if asked. La Toya will go to the opening of a disposable camera's freshness pouch.

And so, to illustrate exactly what we're missing, I've prepared a La Toya Jackson gif wall below, all grabbed from her 1994 Playboy centerfold video. That means there are boobs below (NSFW!), but I swear, this shit is worth getting fired for. As someone so awkward, prone to flailing and in possession of a voice that's like nails on a chalkboard, I think gifs might actually be La Toya's natural medium. Let this be a lesson to all of the Jacksons that they need to get their heads out of their asses/MJ's grave, and recognize their familial greatness that still walks this earth.

Comments

[Eline]

This gif wall is a thing of beauty. Also, I need fake nails that shoot fire too.

[Ricky]

Actually, Janet was on the show. She was on the phone as they wished her a happy birthday. LOL.

Jermaine Jackson is definitely the star of the show. I loved every bit of his delusions of grandeur. His attempt at PRing the Vienna debacle was hilarious. And good sir, you need to recognize the GENIUS of 3T. They're big in Europe, ok? And Taj had Brandy's 1996 braids, so he's a winner.

La Toya Jackson NEEDS to make an appearance, I know Jermaine can make it happen. LMAO @ Katherine trying to play some sage of wisdom. The script for this show is hilarious. Margaret Maldonado where you at?

[ehme]

I stand behind my life long belief that La Toya = Michael. Your wall of awesome will go far in proving my theory.

[m]

Above theory is shared in my family. It disturbs me that anybody would want to beat off to images of Michael Jackson with boobs

[gem]

@ehme: strange, the same thought crossed my mind looking at them!

also, what's up with the vampirish bloody mouth one?

[Faith]

ive been staring at the gif wall for 20 minutes, Rich! You are so good at this stuff...LaToya actually looks good here, ive always adored her...the flailing just encourages my love.

[Jess (different Jess from above)]

I thought it was amusing that even Tito's sons seemed to think that the idea of them trying to stay stars was stupid, and their dad is just oblivious.

[Kat]

This .gif wall has preceded Kate Bush's, if only for the fact that there's bewbs.

[Reese]

I don't understand...why do her nipples look like they've been covered in foundation?

I'm so confused...

[Selah]

Oh Rich...you are so right. I was bored out of my skull watching it last night. I really was looking forward to seeing...more than simply Michael's brother's making an album (which, no offense to the family, but I have no interest in their music.)

Sigh. Yayness. Good recap.

[Elena]

Why the cockatoo? I mean, apart from the cock joke, which seems like it's drawing a long bow even by softcore porn standards, why a damn bird? You KNOW it's going to poo on her sooner or later, and that stuff didn't become big in the video market until a couple of decades after this. (Now I'm sure there's bird-poo porn readily available somewhere, but you can look for it yourselves, thank you.)

[spazmo]

@gif #4 - photographic proof that La Toya Jackson invented the fingerbang. Clever girl.

[Henry Evil]

OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. Why is La Toya Jackson

1. Asian
2. A vampire
3. A bird wrangler
4. Some sort of arabian variation on Rose DeWitt Bukater

Why, why, why. And why.

[erin]

I did find it fascinating how Jermaine propped himself up with his wife... she was essentially acting as his personal assistant throughout the show... I think she actually believes she married Michael. I ALSO did feel like the whole 3T not-being-able-to-get-back-in-the-studio-since-Michael's-death was a bit 'put on'... were they reaaaalllly doing all that much recording before Michael's death?

[Chaely]

I've never commented here in all my years of reading, but I think it's important to let you know how deeply horrified I am by those gifs. I will never be the same. That was fucking awesome.

[Electric]

Rich Rich RICH

The gif wall...there are no words, it's magnetic...could this be an art installation somewhere? Seriously, it's mesmerizing.

[Miss Lisa]

I really think this gif wall should be turned into a Broadway musical. Wasn't "Elf" turned into a Broadway musical? Why not a wall of LaToya gifs? C'mon Broadway. America waits.

[Wookie]

The Coko, Kate Bush, and LaToya gif. walls need to be in an art museum. Seriously if gif. making were an art form, you'd be Picasso.

[kitten]

I never realized until now how much she looks like a Filipino porn star.

[NotAGirl]

Why does she look so scared in gif #3? What does she see? WHAT DOES SHE SEE????

[ben]

The bottom left gif leads me to believe that she played the long skinny alien that comes out of the spaceship in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. And that she is a blow up doll.

[KJN]

I pretended it was Janet for a short time. Then Micheal stole the dam show & ruined my fantasy.

[Val]

Oh that first pic of the Palace marquee brings back memories. In an effort to revitalize downtown Gary, IN in the early to mid '90s the boarded up windows of abandoned/empty buildings along Broadway were painted to look as if there were curtains and flower pots in the windows. The boarded up doors of the Palace were painted to look as if there was still a theater operating inside, include a ticket seller painted on the panel in front. It fooled no one and, as the letters fell, it just looked more sad.

[CruntyOldMe]

That GIF wall will haunt me. Excellent work, Rich!

I was feeling jealous of LaToya's perfect boobs until I noticed that they are still perkily pointing at the ceiling when she's on her back. Fake hooter alert! I feel much better now.

[anon]

I watched The Jacksons: An American Dream this christmas and recommend it to all MJ fans. It was an ABC miniseries now available on Amazon that shows how they grew up and what happened. I Just Can't with this new reality show.