The lessons of Jersey Shore: Episode 3

I cheered when I saw this:

 

Literally: clapped and shouted, "YES!" What a thrill this whole thing has been so far. What a fucking thrill.

Here's another from that same scene:

 

God, Snooki is just so good to us. I guess you don't get to be Queen of the World by sitting home and keeping your whole crotch out of the air. By the way, I've decided that Snooki (and I'm calling her by her real fake name from now on, since the Queen gets to decide what she wants to be called and, literally, "Snickers" feels disrespectful at this point) is pretty. I mean, I know she's a troll doll with jaundice who's oranged out via red Spackle and blessed with the finest licorice ever woven to a scalp, but gosh, is she a pretty take on all that. I decided this as I gazed at her sitting next to Conan, telling him sincerely that she wanted to pluck his eyebrows. Her appearance on Kimmel, Leno and the Video Game Awards only confirmed my attraction. When you spend so much time looking at someone that you love so much, they become beautiful to you, no matter their self-inflicted atrocities. Her story's beautiful, too: she went from "on the outcast" to media spectacle in no time. She is living what could safely be called her generation's version of the American dream.

And to that point (and I knew this all along, but my brain finally verbalized it): this show is a joyful celebration of life. Period. Whether at cooling at the shore, lording over Poughkeepsie or hilariously claiming Hollywood, these people are having the best time ever. They always win. That's why it's so hard to watch them fight:

Ugh, y'know? It's like Daddy and Mommy Orangest, please don't fight! Please don't say, "Go back to your cop." Mommy, please don't be too hard on your best friend that you can't lose who you saw dancing with a girl after he saw you talking to a dude after you saw him dancing not as vigorously as he would come to with the girl. Please do, though, attempt to win him back by touching his butt:

 

And to better emphasize points, speak serioiusly while removing your clip-in hair:

 

(She's saying, "This is no joke!" in the gif above, and if it weren't for the fake hair, I'd have a lot harder of a time buying it.)

I really think that it was this final point that helped Ronnie put Sammi back in the equation. Like, her...in the equation. Like, how do I look? Tan and juicy enough? Does my parabola look thick in this towel?

Anyway, I think there were several lessons in there. Make of them what you will. Also it was like a calculus problem: if two people who fell in love at the Jersey shore (despite both proclaiming that they didn't want to, thus being perfect for each other in the worst way) are standing 10 yards away from each other at Karma, how long before their egos collide, and what will be left of them? The answer to all questions is sex.

 

 

Sorry, not sex. Smooshing. Enough product on your person makes you kind of stick to and fold into the object of your desire. It's the ideal, really, a new spin on the old classic concept that is the other half.

Moving on to hopefully less complex lessons:

- A bra is the same as a bathing suit.

 

Indeed, both cause Pauly's eyes to widen to an alarming size:

 

- The Situation is a constantly renewing source of ridiculous situations

For example, when the open bag of potato chips on the side of the hot tub is the classiest thing about the frame you're in...

 

...that's a situation!

- Discretion lives!

This woman wants "Property of Craig" ironed on her butt, and her face not shown on TV. Smart and smarter!

- These people are not any dumber than your average Archie comic.

 

 

 

 

 

I love how open-ended they leave things. Makes you excited for the next round of smooshing!

- When it rains it pours, you tan.

 

Your beer bong most likely figures it's tan enough, though. That beer bong has probably the best reasoning in the house. Better than Vinny, even.

Anyway, another thing you do when it rains is go to the barbershop.

 

And when you're in the barbershop with the boys, everything comes out. That's according to the Situation, though. Seems kind of wild and innovative to me. I know this is a random, free-associative long shot, but when they hire lesser stars to play these people in Jersey Shore: The Murder Mystery Musical Movie, I really hope that Ice Cube plays Mike. I don't know, I just feel like that would work really, really well.

- Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point. Like seriously, he really would.

Welp, nothing to add to that. Can't argue with facts!

- In addition to poofy licorice, Snooki's hair is capable of looking like it was cranked out of a pasta machine:

 

I'm not just saying that just because she's Italian or fake Italian or whatever. I toast Italians/fake Italians.

Similarly...

- Snooki looks like Scarlacc when she gets upset.

 

- No matter how many men and women are in your group, you can collectively be the man.

 

It helps if the girl holds an ejaculating bottle of champagne and really owns it.

Also regarding that club, and this isn't really a life lesson, but it did teach me something: these people are capable of being shocked by others' outrageous behavior.

 

 

That's them reacting to Snooki's display that opened this recap (or whatever this is) in gif form. And from their shock at Snooki's behavior, I learned that I could still be shocked by their behavior. I've never felt more at one with these people.

 - Fist pumping serves a function.

 

You're fighting it back, because you know it's trying to get inside your girl and make her move and no one -- man, woman, child, pet goat, drum machine -- no one makes your girl move without asking you. So you beat the beat with a beating. Simple, really.

Not that the beat is that much of a threat to your girl, anyay, because, as Snooki explained, "it wasn't sexual, it was fuckin' house music." That does not negate the fact that things are fun to beat, though, so carry on. Really, this attitude toward house music might be the biggest factor in the gender divide.

And don't even get the guys started on R&B, like, grinding music. Don't even get them started!

- When you are a borderline little person, it often behooves you to catch rides on those with longer legs.

 

That way, you get to where you're going faster, like your house that you can't find. Here's another lesson: if you can't find your house (and, really, who can?), the beach makes a completely adequate substitute.

 

There's no place like homeless home, you know? After all, the beach is humankind's socalized litter box.

Also, on the subject of riding on people...

 

...this made me say, "Jwoooooooow!"

- Jwoww sits so real.

 

 

So, so real.

- Snooki's mom is an actual normal person.

 

...at least she is from what I can tell by her three-minute stint on a reality show. Reality TV is, after all, a cultural barometer, so I'm just gonna go with it.

- When trying to bang a girl, subtly explain your game to her to the point of rendering it useless.

 

This situation of the Situation? Not so smooth. But on the upside, I think the way he says "attracted to you" is adorahbuuul.

Also, something about grenades and women are a game and a business with rules and "fleed" and "arm's way" and and and...if alcohol didn't exist, these people would have to invent it because the world would not be able to even believe that freestyle philosophizing like this was even possible without some kind of substantial help.

Oh, and I love Pauly the most maybe this week? First of all the fact that he, too, isn't trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore makes me think he needs to form a thruple with Sammi and Ronnie and they can all live unintentionally happily ever after. Also, his exchanges are the best. Here's my vote for the Pauly D Exchange of the Week:

 

Grenade-ish girl on her friend that Mike's macking: She has a boyfriend for two years, too.
Pauly D: See, that's why I'm single.

He's single because a stranger he's never met before has a boyfriend. Jägerlogic at its finest!

The final lesson of the week?

- Here's how you finally air something you've been showing for weeks:

 

Look, networks backpedal. It just happens. As ridiculous as it seems to decide not to air something that has aired hundreds of times already, and something that's otherwise readily available thanks to this fine Internet, I kind of get it. I understand how seeing the rash of revelry that broke out on the Internet over this obnoxious but harmless girl getting punched in the face could be a horrifying wake-up call to execs, who then wanted to do everything they could to muffle the cheers or at least distance themselves from them. It was fine with me: what we saw shaded in the context that many feared would be lost (that two-nozzled douche isn't just a woman-beater, but a shot-thief as well?), and I really don't mind not having to watch my precious Snooki get pummeled another time.

What a thing, though, right? I love that her housemates totally rallied behind her and attempted to kick the shit out of that guy immediately. (I also love the suggestion that guidos turn their noses up at typical frat douchebags! Jägerhierarchy at its finest!) The reality is that everyone probably would have leaped on the opportunity to hit a dude, no matter the circumstance, but I like to think that they rushed to defend Snooki because they care. Maybe I'm anthropomorphizing here, but what is Jersey Shore if not the greatest talking-animal show of all time, anyway?

Comments

[J-Rocka]

I LIVE for your analysis of this show. Too bad my A.D.D. won't let me be great and actually read it all. I so did not notice when Sammi was taking out her clip on hair. Now that is classy.

I tried to resist this show and it's fuckery, but I just can't. It's like watching a car accident involving a clown car and a school bus full of kids in slow motion. I know it's wrong to watch it all go down, but I just can't look away.

The sad thing is that people like this really exist. Being from California, I always thought this was something exaggerated for TV, but apparently these people are real (well except for their hair and tans).

p.s. Snooki looks like Samara from "The Ring" when she cries. And the rest of the time she looks like an orange Christina Aguilera (during her Dirrty days) who just got out of rehab for a tanning addiction and relapsed. But in some weird way, it's sorta charming. Like I want to hug her and help her but at the same time point and laugh at her for being so ridiculous.

[Hortense]

"They always win."

They DO! It doesn't matter how horrible they are to other people, you can't help but root for them, for some weird reason. And the frat boy thing is absolutely the best example. You know it's bad for frat dudes when you find yourself saying, "Oh, totally. Frat boys are the worst. Surely not as classy as The Situation or DJ Pauly D." Madness!

[CCGuy]

what about the lesson:

When arguing with your guidette paramour, it's best to argue with only a loosely draped small towel around your waist?

I am more offended that MTV chooses to air other acts of violence on people, but THIS crosses the line... or that PSA at the end declaring that violence against women is a crime (do acts of violence against men get a free pass for some reason?) right BEFORE THEY SHOW JWOW pummeling some girl in a bar... wtf?

[Kitty]

I can't believe you didn't post a screen shot of the Sand-Zamboni driving by on the beach with Snooki and "Russ" in the background. That was my favorite part of this episode.

[Gwen]

What would I watch without your brilliant recaps to point in the direction of cultural jackpots like Jersey Shore? Thank you. I really want to make a tanning salon/bar on the Shore so I can sit back, watch the drama & count my millions!!!

[Jess]

Love the recap, Rich.
But this was episode 4, not 3 :P

[Sarah]

Let's not forget when the Situation spoke of "deciphering" the bomb!

[rocksee]

Snookie looks like a sloth with those finger nails. Or a little baby panda. God I love her.

I really enjoyed the cockblocking girl this week. Pauly wasn't going to trifle with no stale ass bread.

[Erin]

Cockblock blonde was not that unattractive. All she had to do was take off that hair band and put a little lip gloss on.

As someone who stopped watching ANTM I love that you are doing another show now.

I didn't notice the potato chips. Good catch!

Sammi is always doing something awesome while arguing, whether it's bag-checking her birth control pills or removing her weave.

I'm off to put Jager in front of every word now.

[Erin M]

"I'm like, chill out Freckles McGee"

Ronnie chasing after Sammi in the towel...and then crying...I just can't. SO much dramz.

[Piper]

Snooki, like you, is made of win. (congrats on being a contributor to Jezebel, too).

I just wanted to say, even though this show is (in reality) deplorable, I love it. I love that its not skinny white girls being boring. I love that these girls arent stick thin and dont care about showing off their bodies. There is a positive message in this, somewhere, I think.

[Jess]

When I heard the whole "fuckin' house music" vs. "R&B/grinding" thing I knew it'd be included in the lessons. That part was so funny to me because JWoww's boyfriend actually seemed comforted/appeased by this differentiation, never mind that she had her legs wrapped around Pauly and his face was in her tits. I also loved how they said they were "battling." I didn't know people actually did that.

[TeeBee]

Soooo not on topic, but I just saw ya on VH1...even though i dont kno u, I love this blog and got excited! Whoot!

[annie]

You are the best. Thank you for my Jersey fix.

[annie]

I wish Margaret Mead could see this. She would friggin love it.

[chesty]

Wowww (like Flav would say it), you went there...with the animal comment I mean. I've been trying for weeks now to articulate an analysis of the show that avoided using a "monkey exhibit at the zoo" analogy. I mean, it's perfect, in the sense that these people aren't like any people I know, so can they be people, but I think I've been trying to reason my way around any accusations of racism, and calling people animals seems like a bad way to accomplish that.

Anyway. It's hard to do. I'm impressed with your chutzpah, but not surprised. I'm a fan.

[Wookie]

I originally started watching this show so I could gawk at gross people being gross. However, like you, I now genuinely care about these people! I didn't think that was possible when it came to reality tv!

[Faith [The Position]]

I adore Snooki, shejust seems like so much fun. Im only five feet tall and I wouldve swore we were atleast the same height, but that girl is T I N Y!!! It is kind of dumb for MTV to block one act of violence, and then promote another. But its also entertaining. Ever seen BGC? I think the premise is drunken girl fights.

Love ya Rich, great job!

[salchica]

I was waiting to see your reaction to MTV's decision to not air the punch-shot, Rich, as I expected it to be the most level-headed; and, as usual, you did not disappoint. I too was very shocked at the amount of comments that read along the lines of 'that b*tch deserved it', that were linked to in the Jezebel post. Scary.
The gender issues that were mentioned in that article and comment thread make me even more convinced that this show, far from being a documentary about a small sub-culture with its own values and that is very different from the rest of America, is actually a pretty accurate portrayal of gender and sexuality in young America. Like I said before, I remember college being a lot like this. And although neither I, nor most of my group of current friends, really identify with this culture, we were all dragged to clubs like that at least once or twice by other friends, where the exact same behavior was going on.
I don't know; maybe it's just me--maybe I'm taking the 'reality' of this show too literally. But I can't help but feel that all the people going 'nuh uh, I'm too classy for this' are not dialing into the larger cultural backdrop that this show makes widely apparent.
As usual, great recap. I look forward to reading more!

[spazmo]

I couldn't believe I was actually making a point of watching this last night (appointment TV!), but when Snooks busted out with the backflips, I raised my glass to MTV. And to you, sir.

[Michael]

No mention of the BEAUTIFUL editing of this program? After Snookie and her guido woke up on the beach (because they got lost?) - the careful shot of a bird taking a dump was like a hug from baby jesus!

[Karen Sugarpants]

This is the best recap EVER. Thanks to Hilly at snackiepoo.com for sharing on Google Reader cuz I've added you to my reader too.

[sean]

I love that Snookie loves house music and isn't a fag. And I'm a fag.

[katie]

why even waste your time on these people??

[Casey]

A million thanks for doing this recap! You and I thoght the same thing when I first saw my girl doind backflips and doing her thing! My love for her multiplied by a million! Snooki is the WOMAN!!! Love her to DEATH, and I got her back, anytime, anywhere!