The lessons of Jersey Shore: Episode 3

I cheered when I saw this:

 

Literally: clapped and shouted, "YES!" What a thrill this whole thing has been so far. What a fucking thrill.

Here's another from that same scene:

 

God, Snooki is just so good to us. I guess you don't get to be Queen of the World by sitting home and keeping your whole crotch out of the air. By the way, I've decided that Snooki (and I'm calling her by her real fake name from now on, since the Queen gets to decide what she wants to be called and, literally, "Snickers" feels disrespectful at this point) is pretty. I mean, I know she's a troll doll with jaundice who's oranged out via red Spackle and blessed with the finest licorice ever woven to a scalp, but gosh, is she a pretty take on all that. I decided this as I gazed at her sitting next to Conan, telling him sincerely that she wanted to pluck his eyebrows. Her appearance on Kimmel, Leno and the Video Game Awards only confirmed my attraction. When you spend so much time looking at someone that you love so much, they become beautiful to you, no matter their self-inflicted atrocities. Her story's beautiful, too: she went from "on the outcast" to media spectacle in no time. She is living what could safely be called her generation's version of the American dream.

And to that point (and I knew this all along, but my brain finally verbalized it): this show is a joyful celebration of life. Period. Whether at cooling at the shore, lording over Poughkeepsie or hilariously claiming Hollywood, these people are having the best time ever. They always win. That's why it's so hard to watch them fight:

Ugh, y'know? It's like Daddy and Mommy Orangest, please don't fight! Please don't say, "Go back to your cop." Mommy, please don't be too hard on your best friend that you can't lose who you saw dancing with a girl after he saw you talking to a dude after you saw him dancing not as vigorously as he would come to with the girl. Please do, though, attempt to win him back by touching his butt:

 

And to better emphasize points, speak serioiusly while removing your clip-in hair:

 

(She's saying, "This is no joke!" in the gif above, and if it weren't for the fake hair, I'd have a lot harder of a time buying it.)

I really think that it was this final point that helped Ronnie put Sammi back in the equation. Like, her...in the equation. Like, how do I look? Tan and juicy enough? Does my parabola look thick in this towel?

Anyway, I think there were several lessons in there. Make of them what you will. Also it was like a calculus problem: if two people who fell in love at the Jersey shore (despite both proclaiming that they didn't want to, thus being perfect for each other in the worst way) are standing 10 yards away from each other at Karma, how long before their egos collide, and what will be left of them? The answer to all questions is sex.

 

 

Sorry, not sex. Smooshing. Enough product on your person makes you kind of stick to and fold into the object of your desire. It's the ideal, really, a new spin on the old classic concept that is the other half.

Moving on to hopefully less complex lessons:

- A bra is the same as a bathing suit.

 

Indeed, both cause Pauly's eyes to widen to an alarming size:

 

- The Situation is a constantly renewing source of ridiculous situations

For example, when the open bag of potato chips on the side of the hot tub is the classiest thing about the frame you're in...

 

...that's a situation!

- Discretion lives!

This woman wants "Property of Craig" ironed on her butt, and her face not shown on TV. Smart and smarter!

- These people are not any dumber than your average Archie comic.

 

 

 

 

 

I love how open-ended they leave things. Makes you excited for the next round of smooshing!

- When it rains it pours, you tan.

 

Your beer bong most likely figures it's tan enough, though. That beer bong has probably the best reasoning in the house. Better than Vinny, even.

Anyway, another thing you do when it rains is go to the barbershop.

 

And when you're in the barbershop with the boys, everything comes out. That's according to the Situation, though. Seems kind of wild and innovative to me. I know this is a random, free-associative long shot, but when they hire lesser stars to play these people in Jersey Shore: The Murder Mystery Musical Movie, I really hope that Ice Cube plays Mike. I don't know, I just feel like that would work really, really well.

- Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point. Like seriously, he really would.

Welp, nothing to add to that. Can't argue with facts!

- In addition to poofy licorice, Snooki's hair is capable of looking like it was cranked out of a pasta machine:

 

I'm not just saying that just because she's Italian or fake Italian or whatever. I toast Italians/fake Italians.

Similarly...

- Snooki looks like Scarlacc when she gets upset.

 

- No matter how many men and women are in your group, you can collectively be the man.

 

It helps if the girl holds an ejaculating bottle of champagne and really owns it.

Also regarding that club, and this isn't really a life lesson, but it did teach me something: these people are capable of being shocked by others' outrageous behavior.

 

 

That's them reacting to Snooki's display that opened this recap (or whatever this is) in gif form. And from their shock at Snooki's behavior, I learned that I could still be shocked by their behavior. I've never felt more at one with these people.

 - Fist pumping serves a function.

 

You're fighting it back, because you know it's trying to get inside your girl and make her move and no one -- man, woman, child, pet goat, drum machine -- no one makes your girl move without asking you. So you beat the beat with a beating. Simple, really.

Not that the beat is that much of a threat to your girl, anyay, because, as Snooki explained, "it wasn't sexual, it was fuckin' house music." That does not negate the fact that things are fun to beat, though, so carry on. Really, this attitude toward house music might be the biggest factor in the gender divide.

And don't even get the guys started on R&B, like, grinding music. Don't even get them started!

- When you are a borderline little person, it often behooves you to catch rides on those with longer legs.

 

That way, you get to where you're going faster, like your house that you can't find. Here's another lesson: if you can't find your house (and, really, who can?), the beach makes a completely adequate substitute.

 

There's no place like homeless home, you know? After all, the beach is humankind's socalized litter box.

Also, on the subject of riding on people...

 

...this made me say, "Jwoooooooow!"

- Jwoww sits so real.

 

 

So, so real.

- Snooki's mom is an actual normal person.

 

...at least she is from what I can tell by her three-minute stint on a reality show. Reality TV is, after all, a cultural barometer, so I'm just gonna go with it.

- When trying to bang a girl, subtly explain your game to her to the point of rendering it useless.

 

This situation of the Situation? Not so smooth. But on the upside, I think the way he says "attracted to you" is adorahbuuul.

Also, something about grenades and women are a game and a business with rules and "fleed" and "arm's way" and and and...if alcohol didn't exist, these people would have to invent it because the world would not be able to even believe that freestyle philosophizing like this was even possible without some kind of substantial help.

Oh, and I love Pauly the most maybe this week? First of all the fact that he, too, isn't trying to fall in love on the Jersey Shore makes me think he needs to form a thruple with Sammi and Ronnie and they can all live unintentionally happily ever after. Also, his exchanges are the best. Here's my vote for the Pauly D Exchange of the Week:

 

Grenade-ish girl on her friend that Mike's macking: She has a boyfriend for two years, too.
Pauly D: See, that's why I'm single.

He's single because a stranger he's never met before has a boyfriend. Jägerlogic at its finest!

The final lesson of the week?

- Here's how you finally air something you've been showing for weeks:

 

Look, networks backpedal. It just happens. As ridiculous as it seems to decide not to air something that has aired hundreds of times already, and something that's otherwise readily available thanks to this fine Internet, I kind of get it. I understand how seeing the rash of revelry that broke out on the Internet over this obnoxious but harmless girl getting punched in the face could be a horrifying wake-up call to execs, who then wanted to do everything they could to muffle the cheers or at least distance themselves from them. It was fine with me: what we saw shaded in the context that many feared would be lost (that two-nozzled douche isn't just a woman-beater, but a shot-thief as well?), and I really don't mind not having to watch my precious Snooki get pummeled another time.

What a thing, though, right? I love that her housemates totally rallied behind her and attempted to kick the shit out of that guy immediately. (I also love the suggestion that guidos turn their noses up at typical frat douchebags! Jägerhierarchy at its finest!) The reality is that everyone probably would have leaped on the opportunity to hit a dude, no matter the circumstance, but I like to think that they rushed to defend Snooki because they care. Maybe I'm anthropomorphizing here, but what is Jersey Shore if not the greatest talking-animal show of all time, anyway?

Comments

[Bryan]

Snookie and the boys on the press junket this week has been a dream! Non-stop sound bites!

I think Snooks should be a judge on 'So You Think You Can Dance' next season. TV Must. This girl cannot just got away after all this! But I wouldn't want her to get too self aware as well. It would ruin her, um, specialness.

[kristin di marco]

Consistently laughing throughout this whole recap. Amazing. Thanks.

[Hannah]

I really love you.

[Erin]

Sand zamboni, dance floor backflips, the real situation with the Situation's game, and anything involving Snookie...I love this show so much. Thank you for the recaps and Jagerlaughs!

[Jay]

I totally have that same sofa: http://fourfour.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b8c369e20120a763aa9c970b-pi

[tcc9mpl]

it's funny cause the house they stay in is about one block over from where snookie said she was lost..

[A]

Can someone please photoshop a bone into Snooki's topknot? Thx.

[James Buchanan]

Love the recaps! Did you see this:
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[James Buchanan]

Love the recaps! Did you see this:
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made my day

[talia cassarino.]

i am in love with this show, like not even joking, im a staten island slut im 1 years old, and everythign relates to this show. i feel like i know u guys idn why i prob, do.

[cole]

Ummm does anyone know the song that is being played in the backround of the barbershop scene...that phat piano beat! please help

[James]

I'm all for the trashiness of reality TV, but this show is vapid, worthless garbage on every level. Not even worth the ordinary schadenfreude of obviously scripted reality shows.

[M2Marathon]

I watched this episode and your recap was like a little gift I just got to re-open after Christmas. Beautiful! Laughed til tears, thank you. I think my favorite thing about Snooki is that her acrylic fingernails are approximately 1/3 her total body height. That takes guts, man...in case the dance floor thong gymnastics didn't convince you she had guts.

[Bender]

This is High larious. What a recap.

[GenericViagra]

That's the reason I love Jersey Shore because women are beautiful and crazy, I also watch this program because Snooki is so extroverted she's the most hot woman I've known.

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