The lessons of Jersey Shore: Episode 4

As everyone laughed at Snooki's impaired chewing ability (though, arguably, she was impaired from the start), it struck me...

...this episode could have been subtitled, "The Lighter Side of Getting Punched in the Face."

It's so nice to return to regular posting in 2010 via a recap of my favorite of 2009's pop-culture relics. And here's my favorite development within that development:

 

It's Snooki's ever-changing, yet always-poofy poof. Really, it's enough to cure me of any post-holiday depression. That said, we do arrive back on not the most uplifting of notes -- when we last saw Snooki and her Juice Crew, she had just been punched in the face...

 

...transforming her into Cher or Jackie Stallone or that genre of person. I don't know if it's the eye makeup or the momentary hard-living, but I'm pretty sure that after that summer, Snooki never was the same.

Anyway, there were several lessons to be learned from this incident (besides the fact that Brad Ferro is a scumball). The first:

- When your housemate gets punched in the face it may lead to a fucked-up night.

 

Not necessarily, but probably.

- Jwoww is a good friend to have on your side in the event of a bar fight.

 

She's earned a few more W's for the swinging extensions/tentacles/extentacles alone. Wowwwww!

- The Situation can turn any situation into the Situation's situation.

 

I wonder if he struck out with this one, if we woulda gone for Brad's fist.

 

The situation's looking up! Or down, really, depending on what kind of person you are, but if you're the Situation, it's undoubtedly up.

- Snooki learns through repetition.

Keep in mind that this is merely the subtitled portion of Ronnie's guid-ode to her:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I know, right? He's still going!)

 

 

 

After all of this, Snooki was finally able to draw this conclusion:

 

"Now I know that they all love me like I love them." And it only took hearing it a dozen or so ti--ohmygod! Look at her hand!

 

I know it's green-screen weirdness, but it's matching a little too well with Snooki's weirdness weirdness. Something tells me that talons make the perfect poof pick.

And the final, and obviously most important lesson?

- Generosity leads to face-punching.

"You don't do something for someone that didn't do anything for you. This is what we got in return: Snickers punched in the face," said Ronnie, aka Muscles Marinara, in reference to the Situation "instigating" this situation by buying strangers drinks. It's like karma: whatever you do comes back to you, fist-fold.

That's it regarding the show-defining incident for now, but there are of course plenty of other things to review that these people have taught us. Things such as:

- "Wow that’s her, she’s really pretty and whatever” takes time.

 

Not that Ronnie's mom appreciated the effort.

 

Man, I haven't enjoyed familial bitchiness this much since...well, Christmas, I guess, and that was only a week and a half ago. But still! It seems so long ago, especially now that we're back in televised summer. Every week, this show is like Christmas in July...in August.

Anyway, I loved that Ronnie's marmosa-swilling mom bitched about Sammi preventing her from getting her tan on. The Muscles Marinara doesn't fall far from the vine, I guess!

- Lobster is alive when you kill it.

 

Snooki's a vet tech, OK? She knows about these things.

- The T-shirt store sells the perfect encasing for your English muffins:

 

(It says "Thomas's.")

- This is your new favorite dance:

 

And if it isn't, that means you're blind. So in addition to being a recap (of sorts), this is also, I guess, a free test for blindness. You're welcome.

- This wasn't cool, this wasn't cool:

 

Here's proof:

 

See?

Although, I did enjoy Snooki's Muppet-like sense of delight upon being lifted:

 

And I also enjoyed her quiet introspection after the fact:

 

Still, that wasn't cool, that wasn't cool.

- Pauly's hair is waterproof (among things).

 

"My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof. I'm not willing to try that."

The thing is that Pauly is not liquor-proof, so give the latter item some time.

Also, this isn't actually a lesson as none of it is surprising. Notable, yes, but we knew this in our hearts all along, right?

- If you call enough people, someone's bound to pick up and be dumb enough to say, "OK," to your request for a booty call.

 

That's science, basically.

Also, Mike's T-shirt really makes me want to ask, "Why so Situation-ious?" So I did.

- Dick and bubblegum are better presents for a cheater than the rarest roses.

 

Muscles Marinara's words are actually sage. I'd worry, though that the dick and bubble gum would end up getting chewed on not by Jwoww but that hairy parasitic octopus that's taken up residency on her head.

- There is a fine line between defending Snooki and using her as an excuse to take out your aggression on some bitch.

In a delicious bookend to give this show a layer of irony that not even the schadenfreudiest of viewers could possibly manage, Snooki, Sammi and Jwoww were involved in a fight with some girl who was heckling them.

 

Afterward, they laughed about Jwoww's valiant showing:

 

This proved the most important point in an episode that hit us over the head with a girl getting punched in the face:

- Violence is only serious when you are on the receiving end. 

Otherwise, it is hilarious.

Although, I have to admit that making sure you're OK by doing this immediately after...

...again...

...and again...

...really lightens the mood.

Also, good for Snooki for not letting that hater's words get to her and her love of sausage. After all, young girls' eating habits are so easily affected. I'm glad to leave this recap on a truly uplifting note.

Shout out to Pauly's mixer and his laptop.

 

 

Till next time, yous be good. Don't do anything to get yourself excluded from ravioli night, K?

Comments

[Rita]

Oh Rich, you please me so.

[CCGuy]

Thank you for noting the hypocrisy that Snookie getting punched in the face is not ok, but everyone else getting punched in the face (boys, girls) is fine! I thought the exact same thing - I just don't get to blog about it... :)

[Sarah]

Great recap! Seems like Ronnie has been listening to some Big L. I wasn't sure why they were all mad at the Situation (other than being a creeper which I totally get). Also, no mention of Vinny's key role in the show?

[Megaroni]

Ah! I need to see this episode! Hilarious review as always!

[Gretchen]

My "favorite" part was Vinny talking about how some girls would come over and they didn't take off their clothes and hop in the jacuzzi, but other girls wouldn't and they had to be treated respectably, "like humans."

So I guess the hot tub jumpers aren't humans. Maybe they're marmosets or something. As must be the guys, as they're jumping in the hot tub with no clothes on every chance they get.

[victoria]

I'm so glad you caught the "You don't do something for someone that didn't do anything for you. This is what we got in return: Snickers punched in the face" comment by ronnie.
It makes so little sense, probably the interviewers in the confessionals had just told him that the situation was buying drinks for brad - and so he said that. But then of course, it's so obvious, situation shoulda forseen that snookie would get punched due to those free drinks!

[Miranda]

I really want to try some of the Situation's chicken cutlets.

[Meow]

The fact that Snooks is/was a vet tech makes me love her even more. Would she even be able to see over the exam table?

[XOAndrew]

I think Snooki was cultured in a petri dish from tissue scraped off of Christina Aguilera's cervix.

[gem]

2 reasons i heart rich:

"extentacles"

"Why so Situation-ious?"

[jodi]

It kills me how all of the housemates consistently mispronounce 'Snookie's' name....duh!

[JonBenet]

The situation could make a situation out of my anus if he wore a beautiful purple satin sack over his head at the same time...

[that's Mrs. Nigel Barker to you]

I've been living for the return of Jersey Shore and your subsequent recap for what seems like an eternity. It was so delicious with the Perfect Poof Pick, J-Wowwww tit gif, and free blindness test. You are thank you-ed!!!!

[kmusky]

Loved the recap, but why no mention of Vinnie, and his love for da cougahs?

[Leah]

This recap made me laugh so hard, I actually cried a little. Excellent job, as always.

[Ojanay]

This recap was the high-light of my stressful day. I laughed so hard, I almost woke my sister up. Thank you so much for making my evening better.

[James]

Can we a gif of Vinny falling off the boat?

[Joanna]

I can't believed I missed the multiple boob adjustments. Thank god I have you, Rich.

[vanessa]

This made me laugh probably just as much as the actual episode did.

I loved that the reason she couldn't eat the lobsters was because "they are alive when you kill them."

priceless.

[Melissa]

It's in a different cranial area, but there's something about Snooki's poof that reminds me of Ronald Reagan's.

[Tadzio]

Beau Brummell (about King George IV) "Pray, Alvanley, who's your fat friend?"
Snookie truly is the modern equivalent of an eighteenth-century Dandy.

[Vicki]

I feel the need to give Jwowwwww some props here. She was kind enough to tell Snooki that the girl called them all fat instead of just her. It's a small kindness, but still... It almost makes me forgive that horrific hotpants + stockings outfit she wore OUTSIDE (in public). Almost.

Also, I think "the lobsters are alive when you kill them" might just be the best reality tv quote ever. Love.

[ben]

New favorite dance guy is SOOOOOOO HOT.

[Lucia]

I love that Ronnie keeps calling her snickers...LOL!

[Gwen]

I died when Snookie said lobster's "are alive when you kill them". Hilarious! Thanks for posting these. You make me feel better about watching these ridiculous shows.