The lessons of Jersey Shore: Finale

The Situation says, "It takes a special type of person to get through this."

 

And boy, are they ever special. Really, we all are.

Parting is such poofy sorrow:

 

I can't even express how bummed out I am that probably I won't get to do that for another year. Oh wait, yes I can express that perfectly, actually:

 

Sadness. But before I get totally sentimental (and believe me I will), let's go over the remaining lessons that have been so graciously imparted to us...

- When calling a police station, you can refer to your arrested friend by first name. They'll know who you're talking about.

 

Really, for all we know, the producers could have just dropped Ronnie's last name out of that weird, futile attempt to preserve anonymity by withholding last names that reality producers often do. I'm gonna guess, though, from the way all these people shut down when faced with the prospect of picking up the phone and getting information about Ronnie's temporary imprisonment, that this played as it happened and Snooki really did call the jail asking for just "Ronnie." Great. At least it worked. You know you're incompetent when you have Snooki and her fucking rice cake sorting out your life for you...

 

I mean, you know this if you care about such things as self-awareness and the actual way things work. In other words: this does not apply to the people of Jersey Shore.

Like, I love that after finding out that it'd be a mere three hours until Ronnie was ready to leave jail, they all went to sleep for about six hours only to be woken up by the confusing duck phone.

 

Can these people do anything?

- You talk shit, that's it.

 

Despite going as far out of his way as humanly possible on foot (i.e. backwards) to put some guy to sleep with his fist, Ronnie's violence and resulting arrest made him come off as the degenerate that he's not. Later saying that he isn't sorry for doing it (he's just sorry for getting caught!) and otherwise laughing about it...

 

...show him as the degenerate as he is. So glad he came around!

- This is explicit:

 

I'm sorry to report (no I'm not) that this makes my loins tingle. I don't know why. It might be the white thread.

- Women don't take kindly to being ordered like pizzas.

 

"Um, I was wondering if you could bring out, actually, your third friend [for a] total of three..."

If you didn't watch the show, I'm sure you'll be shocked to find that Cassandra did not return Mike's call. 'Atta babe.

- Steroids, like multiple growth hormones is a type.

 

Something tells me that Jwoww isn't much a fan of testicles. That's fine -- we all have our things. Hers just happen to be gorillas, gorillas, and gorilla juiceheads. And where do you find these gorillas? Not in the mist, shockingly enough: in Gorilla Central. And where's that? Sometimes the Jersey Shore, sometimes elsewhere. Really, it's anywhere it wants to be. Such is society run by gorillas.

As a counterpoint to this lesson, the Situation says...

 

"Big is out, and lean is in!" Yeah, OK, Mike. Maybe that goes for the guys you like to fuck. Let Jwoww have her hyper-aggressive, genitally challenged man-apes! Plus, you know, I wouldn't go to Mike to find out about what's in. Really, I wouldn't even trust him if he told me the sky is blue or that Snooki is orange or that Jersey Shore is a good show.

- It might take you a month to realize that if you live on the beach, you should be going on the beach a lot.

 

Well, at least we know that Mike has the mental capacity of the females he's attracted to! Ugh, I don't even know why I'm dignifying his grossness by riffing on it.

 

At least he knows for sure that the girl that didn't turn out to be his new girlfriend for the next couple of months till he broke up with her when summer started again is of legal age thanks to that ass. Fuck a driver's license, that's how they check for age in clubs, right? The ass check?

- As going to the beach reveals itself as a good idea over time, so does starting your own party/dancing on the boardwalk reveal itself as a bad one...

 

I know, I know. This a bad idea? Seems impossible. Really, I can't imagine why.

 

Even after the enthralled response, Snooki did eventually express FML-level remorse over her display. But you know what I say? When reality gives you remorse, make a gif wall:

And you know, at least Keith's very disappointing douchiness resulted in our entertainment.

 

As they say, everything happens for a reason.

- This is an appropriate way to act with someone who's almost like your little sister:

 

 

 

But no penetration! That would just be gross.

Oh, and this isn't a lesson or anything, but I finally figured out why there's so much green-screen fuckery going on here, even though practically every reality TV show uses a green screen for its interview portions...

 

There's more motion to be botched by the green screen because these people talk with their hands more than the average reality TV player because they're Italian. Duh! I can't believe I didn't realize that earlier. Seriously, how did I miss it?

And so, it is upon us, the final supper.

 

There was so much sweetness here: a lotta laughs; Vinny saying he couldn't last five hours in a car with Mike, and Mike responding, “You know you’re gonna miss me!"; Pauly repeating “naked chicks” to no one in particular; Sammi pointing out, "This will never happen again" because even if it does, she's so right; Vinny saying that he “can’t process” them eating their last dinner; Jwoww saying that she’s glad she did the show because in 20 or 30 years she’ll still remember everything (having a permanent record of your behavior is undoubtedly reassuring to someone as prone to blackouts as she). 

Watching them recount the month they spent together, I almost felt included in the conversation. It struck me that regardless of what we put in our hair or how we paint our skin, as an emotional species, we share this nostalgia, this instant yearning for what just happened. Furthermore, as someone who spent the first 18 years of my life in a beach resort community that changed seasonally, that saw its population balloon in the summer and then disintegrate in the winter, that offered infinite possibilities in warm weather and only the chance to see what you were missing via a wind-whipped boardwalk stroll in cold, I'm familiar with a particular kind of sadness that comes with summer's end. It's not just being faced with responsibility or the fact that you'll need to wear more than a T-shirt for a half of a year; in enough superficial ways to add up to something bigger, it amounts to a change of lifestyle.

I think this last episode did a wonderful job of conveying this. Watching the penultimate segment of reminiscing, I felt loss, too. This was both empathic and self-serving: I will seriously miss this show like I still miss summer when it ends. The rule goes something like: never fall in love at the Jersey shore. Yeah, well, I did.

...And on Monday, I'll write all about falling out of love when I give my thoughts on the reunion!

Comments

[Angela P.]

We both got emotional there at the end! What a great recap for a great show.

[Snuffy]

Considering the fact that he was on a first-name basis with the cops who arrested him, I wasn't surprised that Snooki was able to give them only a first name.

I love your recaps, as always! The last part about the end of summer was perfect.

[lipstickface]

When does Snookin for love start?

[evan]

there's a freakin' poof-shaped hole in my heart where jersey shore once was :(

[Erin]

Wait. That was NOT just a month. That could not have been just a month. What? That was a whole lot of livin for just one month, bro.

[JayKay]

Rich, thank you for doing these wonderful recaps all season. I devoured each one in the same rabid way that I devoured each episode of this show. Cheers to you, sir!

[Erin]

By the way, you saw this right?

http://www.babelgum.com/4022027/kids-reenact-mtvs-hit-series-jersey-shore.html

[Jude C]

"where do you find these gorillas? Not in the mist, shockingly enough: in Gorilla Central. And where's that? Sometimes the Jersey Shore, sometimes elsewhere. Really, it's anywhere it wants to be. Such is society run by gorillas."

BWAHAHAHA!

[Stephanie]

Rich, I'm also from the Jersey Shore and that last paragraph about nostalgia and the changing seasons made my heart grow two whole sizes.

Here's to more fist pumping next "summah".

[narita]

as one of those kids who used to hit the jersey shore for summer, and who grew up in a neighborhood full of guidos, i too am going to miss this mess of a show. its the only thing ive watched on mtv in years.

and yeah - seriously - which one of these kids is gonna have the next dating show?

[squeakel]

I was a little bit tipsy when I watched this show, so I may not have all the details right, but I loved how JWOWW (was it her?) said something about not knowing where Ronnie would be held and should they call 911 to find out? Snooks said she thought 911 was for emergencies. Yes, Snooks is the brains of the operation here. Fantastic.

[Alexis]

What's happening in that first photo? Is that the reunion show twenty years from now?

[that's Mrs. Nigel Barker to you]

Would love to know if I'm alone in the desire to buy the DVDs of the JS.
I really didn't intend on falling in love either but the shore had me in one shot bro.

[Jenn]

I personally loved how Snooki's response (before calling the station looking for Ronny, just Ronny) was to ponder: Do we call 911? Do we call the URGENT CARE?!

[J-Rocka]

I'm surprised you didn't mention the scenes where each cast member drives off in their own cars. It starts with Mike and his Range Rova, then a few other pretty nice cars, and then poor Snooks in her old hoopty. LOL. I thought that was classic.

[Chris]

They are living, breathing refutations of the whole Darwinian cosmology. The unfit not only survive, they thrive.

[buy viagra]

Can someone please recommend a tour company for my wife and I to see the Gorillas in the Conga?
Its a life long dream to trek the jungle and take photos and see the gorillas in the wild. Looking for a physical challenge, but need a reputable tour company. Please recommend if you can! Thanks guys.

[Winstrol]

You expressed your feeling great by the use of images!

[Flip Chart]

A lovely story that moved me very much. A big hug from Austin, for all our grandmothers.

[Metal display stand]

Thank you scanner. It is too bad the media isn't getting it right. But that is probably not just circumstance.

[data strip]

Great story and insight! I am in the beginning of my second career, and beginning to wonder what my third career might be. Teaching, writing, traveling? I don't know, but I am glad I have such a role model to inspire me.