The portable decline of Western civilization

From what I understand of her career (and, as someone who hasn't seen more than a minute of The Hills in total, admittedly it isn't much), Heidi Montag is generally regarded as having nothing of worth to offer the world. The release of her debut album earlier this month changed that -- Superficial is the most concise and comprehensive collection of ways people are socially awful today that's available on the market. It reads like a 40-minute mediation on kids! these! days! It is something people will be able to turn to 100, 200, 500 years from now to learn about the wastefulness of the early 2000s. You could actually get an early start by listening to it now and then doing the opposite of whatever she's describing. You'll come out a better person, guaranteed. For that, this album is an invaluable resource.

On Superficial, Montag brags ("Look at me, baby, how I'm doing!"). She exhibits heightened narcissism even for a reality star (she's the main attraction, the queen of the show, the cheer-receptacle of a crowd, the "center of attention, lookin' so bootylicious"). She begs for attention ("Turn your head, fix your eyes on this, ain't nothin' like a show!" "Come watch me, I love it when your eyes are on me!" "Zoom in for a closer view!"). She is shamelessly obsequious to the point of identity crisis ("I'll be your blonde tonight / If that's what you like / Stilettos and fish nets / If that's what you like / I'll be your hot mess / School girl and curls / Whatever it takes / Baby, if that's what you like, I'll do it"). She revels in excess ("More is more!"). She's down with our culture of scrutiny without actually seeming to grasp it -- "I'm on ya like a paparazzi flash," is imagery that's too fleeting to be a compliment, though I'm sure she means it as such (as much as she means anything). I get the feeling that when she pouts, "Take a picture, it might last longer," she's talking legacy, not complaining about staring. Pee-Wee Herman must feel so ashamed.

She is egregiously irresponsible. For example, in "Superficial," she dodges accountability: "They say I'm superficial / Some call me a bitch / They just mad cause I'm sexy, famous, and I'm rich...They say I'm superficial / 'Cause I got money / They say I'm superficial / But they really don't know me." No, Heidi, they say you're superficial because you have not done a single thing to suggest there is anything substantial inside of you. They say you're superficial because you had 10 different plastic surgery procedures done at once and then sold the story to a magazine. They say you're superficial because you probably got those procedures just so you could sell the story. They say you're superficial because that's what you named your album, creating the momentary illusion that you were owning it, and thus slightly less despicable. They say you're superficial because of when you sang that song about people taking your picture and hating on you and being jealous of you. Remember that?

The most insight here is the half-hearted, near-melodic, "Meh," that seasons some of these songs where a normal singer's ad-libbing would. The most character you get is from the balls it takes to put a song called "Blackout" on a collection of a dozen tracks that are please-kill-me clone rejects of the Britney Spears album of the same name. Even under its embarrassingly thick layer of Autotune, Montag’s voice sits the same place as the notoriously aspiring superstar La Toya Jackson: equidistant between a coo and a croak. Montag is no singer, and Superficial is no labor of love. Its aesthetic is dispassion. This would-be popular music is at best a fantasy (though I doubt her intentions are even that pure). This is a mockery of expression, the perfect musical accompaniment to Twitter, and cookie-cutter gossip blogs and LOL/ROTFL/FML sentiment and all the fucking noise that pollutes our current world of communication*. Heidi Montag has nothing to say, but Superficial says plenty.

*I enjoy/take part in this noise, of course. Just hopefully not all the time.

Comments

[Phoebe]

Love love love the snark! You said it all.

[J-Rocka]

I can't believe you actually listened to her album and lived to tell about it. My brain would spontaneously combust if I heard more than 10 seconds of any of her songs.

[katie]

I feel like this article just crossed out "paris" and wrote in Heidi. I am impressed you reviewed it at all.

[Courtney]

Kudos for listening to this crap.

[Adam]

honestly, I think she'd sell 50x more albums if she released the non-autotuned version. It would blow lonely island's album out of the water for best comedy album of the year.

[Wookie]

I agree with the "Blackout" comparison. It's basically the lowest-rent form of a Britney album. I listed to it in amazement... it just blows my mind how something could be so shitty.

[Julian]

Love your writing. Amazing. I feel like I listened to the album already ... and barfed.

[SkylerHarvey]

You forgot the best part of this whole album...

In the song "I'll Do It", she sings how she wants to fulfill the fantasy of her listener. She'll be "your blonde tonight, if thats you like, stilettos and fishnets, if that's what you like," or a "school girl in curls,". But what Heidi Montag really wants is stated once in the song. She says, and I quote, "Come eat these panties off of me,"

:) Gotta love the class this gal has.

[Milla]

i must confess that i kinda want to listen to it after reading this review. law of unintended consequences.

[JH]

It's terrible. That said, I do love "One More Drink." Mostly for the tragic subtext. Although, at this point, there's nothing that sub- about it.

[Drew]

This is one of the most beautiful reamings of an album ever.

[Vampy]

I never thought I would see or hear anyone more vapid than Paris Hilton....

Bravo, Heidi....Bravo.

[T]

That Spencer idiot is trying to exploit her for every penny he can. It's sad and disgusting. I hate her a lot less than I hate him.

[Noah]

Would you rather eat Heidi Montag's or Ke$ha's panties?

[milkyaqua]

The disturbing part is that she's said this album cost a million dollars to produce.

[j]

The album was released with a hilariously low opening-week total of 658 copies.
Kesha, meanwhile, opened with 152,000 copies.

[d.a.]

Not that I'd want you to stop, when your reviews are this (apocalyptically) fun - I loved the title especially, and while you're certainly not one of the trash-proliferating blogs you talk about, I wonder if it wouldn't be better, for civilization, to ignore this shit completely. The old rule applies, particularly with this kind of stuff: there's no such thing as bad publicity, even when it's shattering criticism like yours - everything feeds it. I don't want to seem unnecessarily heavy, but I think it's almost becoming necessary to make a serious rejection of the abject "cultural" noise out there. It's just getting nauseating - it's hard to humour it at all anymore, don't you think? It'd be nice to think a kid growing up now - I'm thinking of my nephew - wouldn't have to grow into the cynicism that people like myself have had to adopt in defense, and if there were something of real cultural significance, instead, to bring something vital to his life. Just thinking out loud - your review struck me as having more serious implications, I guess, than you likely intended.

[imdone]

So well said. Thank you Rich.

[vanessa]

I got really caught when you wrote "because of when you" ... and couldn't stop reading that over and over. I can't figure out if it's incorrect grammar or if I'm just weird. ?

[Michelle]

"equidistant between a coo and a croak"- Yep. You're my hero. Also, it definitely makes me LOL/ROTFL/FML (all three, all at once)to think of Heidi reading this statement and needing to look up the word 'equidistant'.

[[email protected]]

who actually bought that album? Wowwwww! I'm lovin your blog!

[gorge]

good points, couldn't agree more, great post ,keep up the good work

[dental health care]

Recommend surgery for those people who do not like how they look and can change its look and live a better life ...

[t-shirt personnalisé]

I didn't know heidi and I listen to some of her song and it's not good... Great article

[Singing Lessons Sydney]

great article... maybe her butt will make her some money?