Oh, right. Them.

So, the America's Next Top Model Cycle 14 girls have been revealed. Blah blah, big whoop, have you any pull? It turns out that you do, ANTM! First of all, more exciting than anyone who'll be competing on the show is this:

André Leon Talley's joining the show, and in addition to an assortment of capes, he's brought along some nonsense. Perfect. Since this show is so invested in making portmanteaus like "smize" and now "dreckitude" (dreck + attitude?) happen, I thought I'd join in by briefly running down the girls on sight by using word mash-ups of my own. You know what they say: if you can't beat 'em, be as annoying as 'em! The girls in prejudicial order of my least to most favorite are below...

(Also, ANTM did not bring me fierce! It merely reminded me of that word's existence on an average of every 30 seconds. I know this show thinks it's, like, the patient zero of drag queens, but please, get your gay history straight, ANTM!)

Alexandra

Alexandra's greenness combined with her resemblance to Welcome To My Home sensation Brenda Dickson makes her an aspiringsbeen: equal parts aspiring starlet and hasbeen. It could have will be a brilliant career, that's what I always say (always!). Also, is this cycle's plus-size model/normal-sized person? Is she the plustandard?

Anslee

Something tells me, this one's got sucture: she's the slight blonde girl with good bone structure who'll be among the first to leave ‘cause, well, she sucks.

Tatianna

Thal-mia? Thal-you-a. Maybe she’ll prove me wrong, but I’m feeling like this girl is a burn scar on the crotch of this show. Also, is anyone else disturbed by her brown lipstick? I know she probably didn't pick it, but she could have spoken up. That's what you're supposed to do when human rights are being violated, no matter where you are or what your stature. Unless, of course, Tatianna is unable to speak up because she's missing a larynx. Maybe she's the girl with the thing this time around? I can't wait to see her silently cry about having to go through life silently.

Krista

To me, she looks like padding - someone bland and inexplicably older looking who'll go within the first few weeks. She's an inevifail. Sad, because her skin is gorgeous and supple. I'd go as far as to label it skinulent.

Jessica

Blech. Trachtenblurg.

Brenda

This one's so fetishistically edgy without having any discernible angle. It's like she read about Brooklyn in Braille and decided to go for it. She's an edgishist. Tyra will have a hard time “edging her out” during makevoers, but whatever – that’s part of the fun!

Alasia

Clearly this person was so named because of her Alaskan/Asian heritage. Alasia's parents, stop trying to make "Alasia" happen! Go buy a flag or watch How To Make a Non-Continental American Quilt or something. On an unrelated note, I wonder how big a deal will be made of Alasica's grouper jaw (i.e. her jouper).

Raina

She's like a twin of some Tyler (a Twyler), and a female Peter Gallagher (a Gallag-her, if you will). I want to say that makes her a Gallgtwy. Too much nonsense for one fake word?

Angelea

The girl most likely to say "I'm not here to make friends" and invoke Richard Marx references from Cycle 12's semi-final round is back! And she's bangier than ever! Those are some prodigal bangs. I hereby will refer to Anglea as "Prangs" from now on.

Naduah

This one is obviously all scalp. I mean, can you see anything else? I see a big round globe of stubble sitting on Naduah's shoulders. When someone has a trait that is so distracting, you can focus on little else, dub her distraiting. I think she's pulling it off, though. That could be some serious scalpower right there.

Ren

More Brooklyn afterbirth -- can't tell if she's more Williamsbarf or Bushwreck. Even though her hair isn't fashioned into a mushroom, I can tell that Karen O is her style icon. Enough with the Oture already! It's 2010! I look forward to her makeover.

Gabrielle

 

There's something about this girl -- she could be amazing. I think her skin is pretty, and its albinot vibe will most likely will satisfy Tyra's multi-racial fetish. Gabrielle just has to be careful of that jaw -- it's a hazard. A jawzard, even.

And finally, my favorite:

Simone

Don't let the asymmetry of the hair fool you: she's winventionally gorgeous. My money's on her. Luckily, though, it's just some change I found in my couch because I suck at predicting these things in general, but particularly this early in the game. Still, it's useless fun. Hooray for fuselessness!

[Source & Source]

Comments

[Matt]

Gabrielle FTW!

[Flik]

Niiice, you're giving Andre Leon Talley a run for his nonsensical money!

Also, these pictures are actually of the girls post-makeover, so as far as Ren and Brenda goes, that's the looks Tyra gave them, for better or certainly worse. Oh Ty-Ty.

Pre-makeover Brenda had long red hair and Ren's hair was slightly longer, sans bangs.

Anyways, looking forward to another cycle of wickedly great recaps!

[Jane]

Rich and new hamsters! My day is made.

[:)]

These ARE they makeovers.

[:)]

*Their

[Geo]

Ren looks like the brunette James Spader as Steff from Pretty in Pink.

[ashley]

wait this ANTM... i thought it might be an american apparel ad.

[Jess]

My money is on Raina being trans or a dude in drag trying to make it.

I hope I'm right. I'll eat that shit right up... om nom nom nom!

[Tim]

These definitely ARE the makeovers. In pre-show pictures, she's blonde and doesn't look that bad. Ren's makeover is freaking awful, though.

[Tim]

And by "she" I meant to say Raina.

[TyTyBaby]

references to Brenda Dickson = eight kinds of awesome

[JP]

Simone is my favorite too! LENEXA KANSAS REPRESENT!

[Alicia]

I was really hoping you would bring up Brenda's Peter Panish-ness!

[Tati]

First Ru Paul's Drag Race and now THIS? WTF?! Can't I watch TV w/o hearing someone mention my name in vain? As far as I'm concerned, I've been disappointed by every Tatiana I see on my TV screen. And wtf is with the two n's? DOES NOT WANT!

I think I'm ANTMed out. I can't even muster up enough energy to watch this show anymore. I'll just read your awesome recaps instead. :)

[fb]

I think they ALL have 'things'
Ladies look like dudes!

[misscrowland]

It's like they made that promo just for you, Rich.

[Golden J]

I honestly think this is the ugliest collection of girls in ANTM history, by quite a stretch. These girls look shockingly bad, even by Tyra's "ugly pretty" standards.

[Jhg812]

The 1304985734 people above me are right; these are the post-makeover shots. Tatianna was originally a brunette.
Why, WHY must Tyra always rob us of the climax?!

[Christina]

A friend of mine got fairly far in the tryouts of this cycle (possibly to the group seen on TV, so maybe she'll make an appearance in the premiere) but didn't get to the house. It's a bummer because she's really weird/hilarious and it would've made the show more interesting. Oh well.

Anyway, if what's-her-name didn't have a larynx, she'd have a monster scar on her neck as well as a hole in her neck to breathe through. Haha. I'm a student studying to be an SLP (Speech-Language Pathologist) and we just did a whole unit on laryngectomies so I could tell you guys all kinds of fascinating stuff. Instead, I'll just say I'm glad ANTM is coming back, because I need more frivolous, pointless entertainment in my life. That, plus Rich's awesomeness will make life much better for the rest of this semester :)

[Hannah]

Gabrielle reminds me of Furonda who I LOVED so I'm rooting for her. (After Angelea. Obviously.)

[EZ Mac]

Whyyyy is Angelea so high on your list?!

[Rachel]

Raina looks a lotttt like Heather from Season 9.

[Casey]

Alexandra looks a lot like Garth's dream girl in Wayne's World.

[Stephanie]

I had been thinking my ANTM interest was waning due to last cycle, but then it was all rekindled after reading this. Because

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANGELEA IS BACK

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANGELEA IS BACK

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANGELEA IS BACK

[Holly]

Brenda is Jim Carey's Riddler from Batman.