Hello again!

 

I can think of only one proper answer to all this excitement:

 

Anyway. "Hello" never sounds sweeter than when it comes in the form of "boo ho!" And so, I am pleased to once again kick off my America's Next Top Model Crying Count. As proven by the nine past cycles (ugh, I'm getting old), this data I'm collecting is invaluable. Literally. It's worthless. Whatever! It's still fun to laugh at crying:

1. Gabrielle

 

Gabrielle had no stable father figure and struggled with her multiracial identity growing up. That's nothing that a little pop music via George Michael and Mariah Carey, respectively, couldn't have cured!

2. & 3. These two.

 

Shockingly, I only caught one instance of crying during the get-to-know-you-and-everything-worth-exploiting round of preliminary interviews with Tyra (the shot above came after, when the first group was let go). Either these girls are guarded, or their pasts simply aren't full of the kind of trauma that leads to such wonderful, TV-ready bitchiness. Guys, I'm scared.

4. Danielle

“I’m a nice person, I just look different," the proudly pierced Danielle told us earlier in the episode. Ironically, crying over frivolous shit like not getting the chance to have your self-confidence ripped out little by little by this show's weekly judging panel, made Danielle look like everybody else.

Also, I loved that Danielle's final crumple...

...looked like a giraffe being born in reverse.

5. Angelea

 

She started crying after the second girl's name was called in the final round of pre-season whittling down. To quote this woman herself: like, bitch please. You're practically all we've got for excitement. Don't doubt yourself or the power of arbitrary bitchiness, gurl!

6. Anslee

 

This group is a bunch of gun jumpers. I'm kinda jealous: oh, to be young and easily excited again!

7. Krista

 

Krista has been regularly trying out for America's Next Top Model since Cycle 1 and she's just now making it to the show. "Look what happened!" Tyra said, as if it were persistence that's off and not the bottom of the barrel that's being scraped.

8. Brenda

 

Brenda's just happy to be here. And it shows!

9. Alasia

 

This girl...

 

...is...

 

...a lot of fun. I hope she never gets eliminated. Ever!

10. Anslee

 

A fresh round of tears after getting picked leads to an erotic embrace. All of a sudden, I am feeling easily excited. At least, my loins are.

11. Angelea

"I got snot, I’m sorry," said Angelea over her fresh round of just-chosen tears. Oversharers take note: if the Internet isn't your thing, perhaps America's Next Top Model is. Cycle 15 is casting now!

12. Hallie

 

“I just wish they would have made it 13 instead of 12, because I know it would have been me if it was,” explained the rancid Hallie. Um, I think it's the other way around: if they wanted you, it would have been 13 instead of 12. But they didn't, so it wasn't. So sorry you won't be sticking around, Hallie, so I could clarify further misconceptions you have about yourself.

Incidentally, Hallie is a self-described spoiled brat who gets an allowance, and “could care less” about the money offered in ANTM's grand prize. So basically, she was here because she wanted the nonexistent job ANTM offers, so she could say that she has a purpose without, you know, having to do anything. A noble (-slash-despicable) effort on her part; a minimal loss on ours.

13. & 14. Gabrielle and...someone

 

I love that Tyra's method of letting people down easy is getting up in their faces. Very effective, that is. Take it from someone who's been clarifying misconceptions this one has about herself since 2005.

(And misconceptions, period: An "Alice in Wonderland world" is just called Wonderland, for example.)

15. Krista

 

Krista said she felt like screaming, and then she did. Watch out when this one gets gas -- she clearly does not hold back.

16. Brenda

 

Brenda's got a baby, an infinitely better haircut and also a reason to weep. She is living the ANTM dream.

17. Anslee

 

This screenshot proves that no matter what they do to you, it could always be worse. You could be Tyra.

And speaking of that one...

Yeah, no. I found zero Tyraisms this week. Part of it is that there was no true elimination ceremony; part of it is that she's said it all at this point. What's the point of going on, even? Why not just end it here?

Of course, more on just how much that "all" constitutes will play out through the cycle. You know how I do! I did love that she said upfront (and a time or two after) that these were long-legged beauties ("beauties") we're dealing with this time...

 

...just in case you fail to heed the Ebony Prophecy, and get it twisted. We've awoken from the short-girl nightmare of last season, guys. And this proves it.

I also liked that she dressed up like a lamp:

 

But what I loved the most was MyFiercePage.com.

 

Even though Fiercebook makes so much more sense as a pun and concept, MyFierce is awesome because there is no better way to announce that you are over than to align yourself with MySpace in 2010. Brilliant work. I also hear that she paid for this cycle's elimination-ceremony set with help from a sub-prime mortgage. If you're gonna talk the talk, you better social netwalk the social netwalk.

Also, I love the fact that she apparently cannot tell pencil sketches from paintings.

 

Maybe in Alice in Wonderland worlds people paint with charcoal? 

Anyway, it was Naduah who painted that. Since I usually just go through the girls one-by-one in my premiere episode posts (these episodes are all about establishing characters; all action, is it were, is usually in the form of breathless flailing), I'll start with her.

Naduah

 

 

Her matter-of-fact flailing is such a welcome change to the more aggressive type rampant on this episode. Her pan-European accent is an Epcot Center for the senses (or at least the hearing sense). Her past in cults?

 

Fascinating. I remember seeing a 20/20 segment about a pedophiliac cult when I was not older than 10 that scared the shit out of me and also gave me the misconception that all cults are sexual. It was shamefully exciting. Anyway, Naduah is pretty much what you'd get if you took the top half of Sinead O'Connor's head and attached it to the bottom of Björk's.

 

She is exponentially alterna-chic and she talks like she's from a planet not far from Anya's. So far, I love her.

 

I concur with Alasia's statement entirely (except, I feel like this is totally the type of thing that budding lesbians say...)

And speaking of her, let's do her next:

Alasia

 

Here's a rare case where doing someone is actually easier if they don't hold still. 

Not to continue ascribing completely unnecessary sexual imagery on this girl, but I'm really afraid that she shot her wad. I mean, this...

"Sometimes guilty people'll point a finger at you, but you got three fingers point...four...three fingers pointin' back at you!" Amazing. So many wrongs don't make a right, but they do make a snapshot of the singular way a young woman's brain works.

"I'm not gonna say I grew up in the hood, but I grew up in the hood." Also a quote to treasure.

"It makes me feel more girly 'cause it's curly. Up, that rhymed!" She is not yet at the level of getting distracted by shiny things -- she's still stuck on rhymes.

I fear that she may have hit herself too many times on the head. I also fear that her mojo has expired. Sometimes, girls get on this show giving the producers exactly what they want (i.e. a whole lot of sass and incoherence), only to burn out a few episodes in and end up hanging around too long. Think Chardonnay on For the Love of Ray J or Extra on For the Love of Ray J 2. It really could be the case for Alasia, who backed down entirely when confronted by Krista and Angela late in this premiere episode. The good news is we have no idea how her splits are, so maybe she still has a trick or two to show us. Fingers crossed! I just hope her awesomeness wasn't taken out with the Aretha wig.

 

And speaking of accessories, I think Alexandra's awesomeness was just starting to show itself via her mole tumor:

 

Anyone who shows off her cluelessness so early and eagerly is a friend of mine! I also love how in-your-face she is with her plus-sizedness:

 

"I got a great fanny," said Alexandra. Then, she literally backed up her words:

 

That's not a great fanny; it's an industrial one.

(Also, "fanny?" Wretch.)

Also, she's the girliest tomboy, which pretty much just makes her a person, right?

Krista

She called Alasia out for being fake with her flailing:

 

But the thing is that her she's-fake flail is a lot like her I'm-real flail:

 

That's like the pot calling the kettle spastic.

She gets points for not throwing a tantrum over a makeover that she hates; she gets them all taken away for not realizing that said makeover (involving little more than a clip-on ponytail) is one of the only things she has going for her.

Lovely skin, tho. Nothing like those disgusting pink pensies.

Oh, and speaking of makeovers, let me use the example of Simone...

 

...to rant about the fact that I cannot believe that the pre-show shots of the girls were post-makeover! What kind of spoilery shit was that? I feel like that's somehow cutting corners, or something, the same way that Tyra addressed us via what appeared to be Flip Cam at one point...

 

That is some kitchen-ass shit. Luckily, that aesthetic complements this show way more than it should.

Gabrielle

The first girl to do her homework in THE. HISTORY. OF. AMERICA'S. NEXT. TOP. MODEL.?

 

Judging by the model she chose to emulate, perhaps! (Although Celia was extremely knowledgeable of the industry, come to think of it.)

Anyway, this girl is lovely. That said, when she blubbered, "Because of my father, I have..." and did this...

...I thought she was going to finish her sentence with, "...red hands." What a weird gift for a father to give his daughter.

Also, Gabrielle says she feels like a princess...

 

...even though her crown looks like a Fry Guy. Whatever, it's not everyone that can rock a Fry Guy. I'm just jealous, obviously. I want a fried parasite-friend, too! When Gabrielle said she was down for whatever as far as her makeover went, and added, "Make me look like Dennis Rodman," well...

...you don't have to tell me twice!

Raina

Speaking of Celia, there's something Celia-esque about her enthusiasm, no?

She's way positive, so that's rare. I am fascinated by her not just because her face is like a war between Peter Gallagher's and Denise Richards' features, but when she moves her eyebrows, I fear that her face might reject them, buckling under the weight.

 

 

Obviously, she is one to watch/pray for.

Anslee

 

"I’m 23 years old, and I still got it! Cause I’m here!" says Anslee...

 

...the poor, confused thing.

Tatianna

Someone at the editing bay must have a wicked sense of humor for pairing Tatianna saying, "I really love glamor"...

 

...with this shot. If she goes far, you better believe they're gonna tell her all about what not to do with her upper lip (specifically: not move it).

 

Really, she is gorgeous when she's holding her face right. I'm not sure what I love more about Tatianna: how much she looked like Justine Bateman circa Family Ties, pre-makeover...

 

...or that she thinks Megan Fox is a supermodel. This is what we get for putting celebrities on fashion magazines! The youth of today has such ignorance about the most frivolous of topics! What a tragedy!

Also:

 

Hello.

I like to train my eye to see not Tatianna as the owner of an overwhelmingly large upper gum, but of no upper teeth and a hell of an underbite. Glamor.

Ren

First of all:

 

Wrong.

Second of all:

 

Wronger.

What the hell is Ren's problem? She looks like someone who sees a Purell bottle and thinks, "Well, there's my hygiene for the next three months." She looks like she should have come balancing a mangy cat.

 

Like, I can see the odor coming off of her.

She is Ren...and stinky.

Also, let's get one thing straight:

 

She is not Elyse Sewell and no amount of shit-slicing will convince me otherwise.

Seriously, the most endearing thing about this woman is her under-arm hair.

 

I love that she doesn't shave it in the name of "women's rights," presumably because she doesn't want society telling her how a woman should look, and yet she has no qualms doing a show which is devoted to telling her how a woman should look down to the way she holds her eyelids. I guess with great haggardness comes great wisdom.

And finally, there is this prize:

Angelea

 

Obviously, I loved her when we first met two cycles ago. She whined, "I cain't go back to Buffalo! I cain't!" But she did. And now she's back, presumably to spread joy. And by "joy," I mean, "utter bitchassness." 

 

...And just regular assness, I guess. Not that I'd expect otherwise from someone who describes herself as "classy ghetto" and then has trouble living up to such an unwittingly humble claim.

 

She butters her bread with Land O'Hates and it comes out of her pores. She is aggressive and, per her argument with Anslee, territorial and just such a weirdo that I can't take my eyes or mind off of her. She thinks she's that bitch and what's great about her is that she is not afraid to admit it.

Nor is she afraid to chant about it, apparently. Agreeing with this was a rare miss:

 

Because for real, we hear you loud and clear, Angelea. You'd probably kick our asses if we didn't.

I also love how bitchy those bangs make her. And these might be my two favorite Angelea shots, period:

 

 

Can't even stand the gorgeousness!

Also, I erroneously thought that her name was pronounced "Ange-uh-lee-uh," but apparently, it's "Ange-uh-lee." That sucks because I really loved things that remind me of Richard Marx songs. So much for holding on to the nights, I guess.

Oh yeah, here's your new ringtone. You're more welcome than ever.

Just a few more peripherals and we're outta here.

Laura

"Your hair's your sexy blanket," said my love during the Top Model Lounge segment of the show, which I'm really hoping is continued each week since it's AWESOME. Laura is my eyeball of insight. Need more of her in my life.

Miss J

It's easy to focus in on the contradictory, arbitrary nonsense and forget what a gem J can be. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and the face grow weirder:

I think his reduced role this cycle might be the best thing for his "character." I'm sure when he found out he was being replaced on the panel with Andre Leon Talley, he was all...

...but really, he shoulda been like this...

A little bit of J goes a long way. I look forward to seeing less of him and loving more of him.

And for the final finally, there was Jay Manuel, whom we'll never see less of, I'm afraid.

After Tatianna's Megan Fox folly, he said, "This is not America's Next Pretty Hot Chick." Given its track record, actually, that's exactly what it is. Welcome to your own world, Jay and everyone!

Comments

[Noah]

Is it just me, or does Gabrielle look a lot like Venus Extravaganza?

[francesca]

Uhm, Tyra's MyFierce page really lists "Anything with BBQ sauce" as the first (of two) interests. Huh?

[Vanessa M]

(ahhhh, obsessive refreshing pays off)

Shakespeare once said there is nothing new under the sun. Which may be why every one of these girls reminds me of one from a previous cycle. The Bard of Avon was truly prescient.

And despite some Elyse physical resemblance, I do like Ren and her crazy hairy pits. I do wish we could have seen more of pierced girl who cries while exposing her lady area tho.

Was anyone else acutely uncomfortable watching various contestants hug or hit on Naduah? Given her background of abuse that was really awkward.

[m]

I am so. so. so. glad there is a bitch please gif. That scene made me cackle like nothing that had been on television before.

[Eline]

Hooray! I have missed your fabulous ANTM gif'ing.

[Adam]

Fantastic! I've been waiting for some info on ANTM here. Love it.

I noticed, nothing about Jessica. Which in itself may highlight how forgetful she is.

[lisa]

Rich,thank-you for the Tatianna teeth,gum situation. I can't even look at her. There is so much skankiosity in this episode, it stinks through my telly. Love you and the recaps.

[Sarah]

This post makes me want to watch ANTM for the first time since Elyse. Thank you?

[Michael]

Anslee (and your exact pics) remind of a certain Amy Poehler character from SNL.

If only she was rockin' one leg - i'd be jealous.

[chasgoose]

Gabrielle also clearly had watched the show before and taken some lessons to heart. Like the comment she made about how in 13 cycles the bitchy girl has NEVER won. I fear that her understanding of the show's inner workings will be her ultimate demise.

[Michael]

My picks so far - Alexandra - but ONLY because of the giant mole. HILARIOUS. I'm sure I'll dislike her in all other capacities.

Other than that, the only remotely interesting girl was Naduah. She's a sure-fire winner. I kinda like Denise Gallagher as well.

[Rachel]

Danielle looked exactly like a girl from another season. I can't figure out who, but it's on the tip of my tongue. Any help?

[choochifrito]

I think Tatianna put her teeth in backwards

[Vanessa M]

BTW, your comments on MyFierce were comedy gold (nay, platinum) on a crappy day.

[Shenandoah Vegan]

This was a fantastic recap. Thank you so much!

[Rose]

Thrilled to death that not only is ANTM back, but also recaps (which, at this point, are better than the show). Thanks Rich!

[kevin]

OMG, the reverse giraffe comment was the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

Awesome Rich, awesome.

[Passing Shot]

Krista=Grace Jones

Good goobers, there's overwhelming haze of fug surrounding this cycle. Gabrielle for the seriously-diminished-in-significance win.

[Joie]

Speaking of Laura, just in case you haven't been following her blog, I think you'll appreciate knowing: she has a cat who is half-bobcat. I don't know why this tiny nugget of information is such a perfect embodiment of everything Laura is, but yeah.

http://www.laurasmodellife.com/?p=223

[Erika]

Gabrielle is the next Jade, from the dyed poodle 'do to the multi-ethnic background to her razor-sharp bone structure.

My brother commented that Jessica is the best looking girl, and I told him that means she'll probably be the first one eliminated.

[Jeb]

It's true, Michael! Anslee does look like Amber, the hypoglycemic amputee!

Also, "She is not Elyse Sewell and no amount of shit-slicing will convince me otherwise." Truer words were never spoken. No one is nearly as wonderful as Ms. Sewell.

[A.P.]

I don't get Ren. There was absolutely no explanation as to how she got onto the show (maybe that's going to happen later but I doubt it). I just feel like she's an imposter, and doesn't belong in the back round of those clips with girls fighting in kitchens/bathrooms/bedrooms. It's just so weird, she was announced and there she is in all her boringness.

And your Denis Rodman photoshop reminded me of the lol-worthiness of the producers covering all the girl's heads with bandannas for the makeover interviews - so to not spoil the surprise of what their hair looked like. It was more of a surprise about what their original hair colors were.
Also about the make overs; Why do they bring back eye-brow bleaching each season?? Naduah doesn't need her eyebrows to be missing to look or act like an alien!
Plus, most of the haircuts are just styles that are used each season. Cutting those red locks short of that crying girl made her look like Parrot-makeup redhead from an earlier season (who was that??). Photoshoot with a girl made up as a parrot... hm
Anyway, most of the girls with dark hair were given horrible light haired wigs or had their hair bleached and poofed. It always makes me frustrated when they purposefully make girls look worse for the dramaz. Oh well.

I have a feeling Krista is going to make it to the top 5, and then get suddenly booted off because she looks too old. Similarly, Naduah is going to kickass until the top 3 and then get booted for losing her spark and improving less than mole-girl or Gabrielle.
Who is in it to win it? Raina.

Also, is it just me, or did this episode seem a lot classier than earlier seasons? Like the toning down of the competition of the top 32, the sets look nicer, and the makeovers occurred immediately. I think this has to do with impressing Leon.
Except that tyra-page thing, that was just sad. I always feel dissapointed when the girl I choose as a favorite acts really excited about that cheesy crap (see naduah explaining MyFierce).

I like that when I scroll over this image, http://fourfour.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b8c369e201310f9f7e20970c-800wi. The description is "Kitchen-ass", because there's really no other way to explain it.

[Guy Deluk]

I'm not gonna say I liked your recap, but I liked your recap :)

[Gillian]

OMG! So glad you're back!

And...Raina = Cesar Romero's Joker.

[AJ]

Damn, why did the ANTM premiere and the premiere of the "Telephone" music video have to happen on the same week? Now, we'll never get a catty review of Gaga's latest concoction.