HorRENdous

If Ren was so annoying...

...then why does her elimination feel like such a loss?

The natural light alone in that gif is enough to make someone cry, cry, cry. And by that, of course, I mean ha, ha, ha!

31. Simone

Simone here cries because she has disappointed Jay fucking Manuel. Simone officially has drunk the Kool-Aid and it turned her insides orange.

32. Simone

 

Seriously. At least her hoop looks big enough to just fit around her neck, strangling her in the process. Exit strategy, perhaps?

33. Brenda

When Brenda said, "I miss my daughter," at the top of the show, I thought for sure that she'd be the one going home when all was done. I guess we were on the same page. Damn Ren and her self-sabotage! I had looked forward to weeks and weeks of more ridicule. :(

I am referring to Ren-based ridicule. Of course, we'll always have this one for ridicule fuel (ridifuel!):

Tyraism of the Week No. 1

"It's nice, but I would have liked to see a little bit more fashion in the pose. I find it to be a little too on the nose of salsa."

 

God, Jessica, why'd you have to be so perfect? Start doing things less right, asshole.

Tyraism of the Week No. 2

"Just know that you can look like a spaz, and it's just a moment that they're trying to find."

How helpful it must be to the less-than-swift girls that Tyra has finally verbalized in no uncertain terms that it's OK to look like a spaz. It's no longer a lesson by example implicit in virtually every breath this woman takes while a camera is pointed at her, ahem:

Tyraism of the Week No. 3

"So we think you need a little bit more edge. The doorbell will be ringing for you very soon, and another transformation is going to take place."

I don't know what's more ominous: the phrase "the doorbell will be ringing soon," or the fact that what's behind it will be someone with a (new?) penis for Brenda. Can't wait to watch her transform!

By the way, she soooo needs a makeover:

 

This is what I think her edged out makeover will really look like:

 

(Not pictured: new penis.)

And speaking of Tyra and Photoshopped mockery, I was so going to give her a big, fat, clothespin-plumped pussy to go along with her outfit that was begging for it to be poking through...

Seriously, she looks like a visitor from Planet Vulva. But you know what? I'm going to respectfully leave her smooth crotch in tact. It isn't easy to wear something like that and not get cameltoe (at least, that's what last cycle suggested)...

 

...and so I have nothing but momentary respect for Tyra and her mercifully non-impressed vagina. Although, I'm sure that the pictures came as a relief when she had to trot her bits out from behind the table at the end of deliberation...

You know who else I have respect for?

 

Duh! Once again...

 

...he so horny.

Also, do you have any concept of the circumference of one of his wizard cloak sleeves?

 

I feel like if at some point he disagrees with the panel and the wrong girl gets eliminated, here's something that will allow him to conceal her and transport her to the Condé Nast building.

Anyway, let me get to what we're really here for: Gizzard Wisdom. Picking up from last week:

On Jessica's feet:

"I find that the pointed toe in the ankle-strap shoe is patently gauche. It looks awkward."

I really wish that the shoes were patent leather. And no, that's not the first time I had the exact same thought (about entirely different shoes) this week.

On Simone's feet:

"Here, the leg is patently gauche, but it works, that awkward sort of pigeon-toed moment."

So where patent gaucheness is concerned, pigeon = fashion and no pigeon = no fashion. Did Ren and her bird flu (H1N1 is soooo last week!) somehow infiltrate his head?

On Anslee's shot:

"I do not like it because I could pass Madame Tussaud and see this in the window and I'd think this was waxen [or really waxUND]. Not fashion at all!"

By his logic pigeon > waxen/waxund. I'm not sure if I agree. I've seen some fierce fashion wax in my day. Also, what's with all the Madame Tussauds presence this cycle? Does Tyra have stock in soulless celebrity dopplegangers? Did she create that stock via sheer force of her own soullessness? ALT is really bringing the hard questions up to the surface. He's an invaluable tool.

On Brenda's much-hated picture:

"I would have suggested just to stand tall like a statue, like a giraffe in the Serengeti plain!"

If ALT ever saw a statue of a giraffe, I think he'd go into fashion convulsions (confashions).

On Angelea's weirdly praised shot:

"Love it! Fash-un!"

By posting this, I'm mostly just looking out for your ringtone needs.

On Ren's abomination:

"For me, very unsettling to see this photograph."

Not that anything goes without saying on this show, but of course seeing this photograph is unsettling: it's of Ren. Duh!

Really, instead of disco...

...I thought she looked more like one of those windsock men generally stationed near used car lots to attract customers. Theirs is the music of whooshing.

And finally, on Brenda again:

"Dreck winner of the week...itude. Dreckitude!"

Something tells me that award involves eye of newt...itude.

And since I'm practically busting at the seams (I am not busting at the seams) to talk about it, let us begin our "finer" points with...

1. Ren

"The majority of this is the house and the drama. I didn't know that this was what it was going to be."

Imagine only learning about things via empirical evidence. That might be a thrilling experience when being faced with, say, unconditional love or a trust fund, and a harrowing one during your first shark bite or Ketamine high. I think reality TV fits with the latter examples. And that'd be worth an, "Awww, poor thing!" or two if it weren't extremely easy to find out exactly what life on reality TV is like. Seriously, find your remote control or visit a Best Buy (there's probably one at the mall where your mom lied to you) or crack open a notebook computer or distract your all-American jock brother with a basketball and your mother with a hoop to install for him, sneak into their house and raid your mother's TiVo since she apparently "loves this show!" Ugh! What a silly fool, that Ren. And you know, the mom stuff made me feel for her in the way any emotional detail from the life of a person that you find irritating can humanize them and momentarily make you feel bad for being so harsh because they've got their shit they're dealing with and it's not necessarily their fault that they annoy the living shit out of you.

Except, of course, when it is:

 

 

IF YOU DON'T LIKE DRAMA, STOP STARTING DRAMA. Ren's all, "I had no idea that there was going to be drama once I went around and told Brenda about petty little shit that could only serve to piss her off and create more arguments." Look at her fucking smiling as she's saying it! She's delighting in this shit that she's complaining about. The exact same thing could be said about her appearance on this show.

Also, does her mom want her to be a model or is her mom just a reality TV junkie? “Modeling is my mom’s dream for me,” and, “My mom loves this show,” are a long way away from each other (she gave both of those as reasons for her participation on this show). Which is it? Or is her mom as out of touch as she is? Or does she think that some schizophrenic homeless woman is her mom because she passed by her once on the street, decided that she would be her style icon and has never experienced actual motherhood firsthand to actually know what's what in the realm of maternity?

 

That's it. I don't have anything else to say about this abortion of a contestant. I just wanted to leave you with her creepy smile.

2. But you know whose smile isn't creepy?

 

Jessica's. It's adorable, and obviously, she's heard that a lot (hence the hamminess). But whatever, I don't care. This girl is my own private Easter Bunny. (So seasonally appropriate!) But what is creepy is her apparent love of Bluefly. When it was announced that the prize from that weird Fab Bus game-show challenge was going to be a "shopping spree" at the online retailer, she could barely contain herself:

 

Look at her Bluefly enthusiasm compared to all the other girls:

 

It's like a Bluefly bit her and the welt made her feel alive. Even when she didn't end up winning the challenge and Simone went up to receive her oversize check...

 

...Jessica couldn't even show proper eye-rolling disdain. After all, she was home at Bluefly. She was happy.

3. And speaking of that go-see challenge, this is obviously the best thing to come of it:

 

The lesson here is simple: Angelea doing things = comedy gold.

 

 

I also loved her hair/style at panel...

 

She looks like a sassy guidance counselor in a Wiseman doc or a supermarket shopper in the '70s. She's undoubtedly headed to the aisle where they keep the V05, right?

(Also, 'sup Alasia? I see you, boo.)

4. Oh, and speaking of that Fab Bus game show, it was so cool to watch something so exciting literally bloom from Angela's face...

 

This girl is obviously magical. I think André Leon Tally slipped a little crow's foot in her pocket for good luck. Unfortunately, she ate it, but not before threatening it for poking her.

Why does Toccara always refer to herself as "the fabulous Toccara" like she's a magician or some shit?

 

The only thing she made disappear was my sense of hearing via her nonstop shrillness. She couldn't spokesmodel her way out of a semen-drenched boat expo -- she's a straight up screamsmodel. Also, I like the coloring of this picture, because it looks like her tongue is the same color as her skin and that her teeth, then are external:

 

And also, Blowjobface of the Millennium, anyone?

 

And y'all...

What's going on with Raina? Because I think it's...something.

Finally...

 

...haaaay!

5. 

 

African? African?!?! Hello! He has a name! This show is so racist.

At least it makes up for its representation issues by celebrating moshing for the dance art form that it is.

 

6. So, how 'bout Anslee?

 

I like her. She has a short fuse, and also she looks like a butch trucker who prefers to squirt some lemon on her pussy du jour.

 

Hence the near-constant sourness.

 

 

 

I love that Jay told her that he wanted to see her working with shape in her shoot because, hello? That ribbon was sooooo Get in Shape Girl, only the most important '80s toy for girls (at least, important when it came to encouraging body dysmorphia -- sorry Barbie, it had you beat!).

(And is rhythmic dancing, by the way, an actual dance? Because isn't rhythm the fucking thread that runs throughout all dance? Why wasn't anyone assigned motion dancing while they were at it?)

The fight with Brenda? Ridiculous.

 

I guess whether or not Alexandra and Angelea called Brenda ugly depends on whether you find Cynthia Nixon and Chucky ugly. I happen to think they are both very handsome.

"Anslee doesn’t have to be talked about in the third person..." said Anslee at one point. First of all, she's right. Second of all, since that's the case, she should stop referring to herself in the third person. I do appreciate the implication that Brenda should used the underrated second person, but this is really a wonderful, wonderful example of someone not practicing what she preaches at all.

Whatever, she did this:

 

...so how could I do anything but love her?

7. It's time for your favorite transcription of the week!

 

Laura: Ren, definitely, should appreciate more of that. She was han-pick, she definitely doesn’t want it as bad as the other girls do. (Nods in agreement with herself.)

Bianca: Right. Somebody else coulda been in her place. If you have the look and everything, it means nothing without the drive. So if she doesn’t want it, onto the next girl.

Laura: ‘Cause there’s plenty more. (Nods, agreeing with herself again.)

Well, you can't ever say that they don't tell us exactly what is what. I'm nodding in agreement with myself as I type that, in fact.

8. It's time for a mini Pretty Party!

 

 

And the organizer of this Pretty Party is none other than Alasia's outfit at panel:

 

 

 

I love that she wore this! She really has no clue, huh? She would have been laughed out of a go-see being held on Luther Campbell's lap five years ago if she showed up in this thing, let alone the more discerning ANTM judging panel. So wrong it's right is a cliche, but given that this is ANTM we're talking about -- a universe that's a terrible place to live a and a worse place to visit -- I can think of no better way to be. I salute you, Alasia!

Can I get an amen, Krista?

9. Also, Alasia didn't cry this week, but she did do something gif-able when she got her weirdly over-praised picture first...

 

My love for her only grows. My heart isn't just pounding, it's woofing like an Aresenio audience member.

10. Finally, did you guys know that...

...Nigel knows hip-hop? You know who else does?

 

 

Oh everyone. I've always said that watching this show is like bathing in a hot tub of Chuck D's semen. This proves it! Can I get an amen, André?

 

Thank you. I love getting amens. It's like Easter came early! Thank you Easter Bunny...I mean Jessica.

Comments

[Alice]

Yay! My Mondays are made so much more worthwhile by this. Thank you ^__^

[i dream of gene shalit]

Amazing as usual, Rich!

Also, are Tatianna's front teenth blurred out in the Pretty Party pic? Mayhaps they did a Joanie-style makeover but are going to air it in a later episode?

[ZZ]

Sigh. Jessica's gonna win. Better ask somebody.

[monica]

first?

[MB]

I think Ren was eliminated because Tyra was nervous about whether or not she would have to pay royalties to Raymond Pettibon for that tattoo she has.

The burning question I also had was who is Ren's mom? Someone connected/pushy enough to get her daughter "hand-picked" for the show? Because huh?

[Lars]

The one thing I found interesting about Ren was that I didn't realize they had that particular brand of soft-talking, faux-artsy, annoying asshole in Texas. Who knew? Godspeed on her return to the Lone Star State, where perhaps she will be wrongfully arrested for a crime she didn't commit and be executed while the governor laughs.

I'm glad that we get to keep hearing snippets of the fantastic Laura's wisdom.

[Peter]

Um, don't you mean Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube men... or in this case Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube REN?

[Iamveryshort]

Yes! You totally just saved my workday! These are wonderful, I now have my sister obsessively checking your recaps as well :]

[missy]

Where is Nigel's wedding ring???
Something better happen quick on this show because it is boring the life out of me. Yawn.

[The Dyv]

Rich you are the man..LOL Especially for the Get in Shape girl reference!! I was pressed to get one and used it once..Lol
This is the first season that I have watched actual episodes of ANTM (b/c of ALT) and I always keep your posts in mind as I watch. I cracked up at Nigel being adamant about knowing hip-hop and ALT's "Dreck of the week itude." Two parts that were rewinded several times...

[DLCF]

Couldn't someone have taught Krista how to push her arch and turn out from the hips just a bit before putting her in Pointe shoes?

I keep staring at her feet and legs in that picture and it's making me stabby. I've seen better ankles on some of our third-graders.

And why does Typhoon keep doing dancer photoshoots if she hates dancers so much? I demand a God of War photoshoot! Broken-down models posing with angry, square-jawed Spartan warriors in very small clothes. YEAAAAHHH.

[Dara]

Amen, brother Rich. Amen!

[gem]

the 4/4 "haaaay" comment made my day.

these are my top 3 after that:

"Seriously, she looks like a visitor from Planet Vulva"

"it looks like her tongue is the same color as her skin and that her teeth, then are external"

"My heart isn't just pounding, it's woofing like an Aresenio audience member."

[also, i just finished 'a.l.t.: a memoir" by andre leon talley & i highly recommend it.]

[Vanessa M]

You know, despite her underwhelming photos and whining, I kind of liked Ren. Right up until she followed her repeated decrying of drama by engendering truly pointless drama.

And why do all of these bitches think Miranda is ugly? I thought she was kind of an unsympathetic bitch sometimes (her treatment of Steve made my stomach hurt) but she was quite pretty. Man I miss SATC.

Tyra has worn some wackass outfits and weaves to panel (that one cycle with the magenta hair?) but this was....just, no words. It's like Babylon 5 had a yard sale. Are leotards really back in style? I did let my Vogue subscription lapse.

In similar fashion observations, I can't say that I understood why Alaysia's picture was deemed more than mediocre but if it gives you an opportunity to name check Luther Campbell (Face Down, Ass Up young Jedi), then stay till the top 3 she can.

[Stephanie]

ZZ: I don't see Jessica winning at all! I don't see her lasting too long.

[kat]

I have to say, I think I'm a fairly avid consumer of pop culture, but your write-ups are the thing I look forward to the most. I COULD NOT wait to see what you had to say about everything that went on in this ep! I find the drama really amusing this year.

I love/hate to see Ren go. I think it would have been great to keep her on a few more shows to see if the other girls could really wear her down. But I know that would be contrary to the idea that you need to WANT to be there...

Anyway, thank you for doing this.

[m]

I'm so glad you addressed Anslee's bitchface.

[AntBee]

Glad Ren is gone; ol' whiny heffa. Alasia can go anytime, too. She is not pretty, at all.
They need to go on and give it to Simone or Raina, and hang it up.
ALT, I have always hated him, and still do. He cannot leave my TV fast enough.

[karis]

you are a GENIUS. finally somebody who agrees with me, that dumb fake hypocrite Ren finally shown the real Ren with that nasty thing she did with brenda. she doesn't like drama, she is risking her happiness and mental health for this?? hahahahhaha i never heard anything funnier :D she hates drama so much that she also creates it. great ren! you have big big problems.

[Johanna]

i couldn't wait to see your comment on Tyra's outfit, plant vulva is very fitting ! lol I think reading this may be more fun than watching the show, thanks again for great recap!

[Scott Fee]

"Planet Vulva" k-i-l-l-e-d me!

[Liane]

I found it quite hilarious that Tyra et al. ripped Alasia a new one over her shiny silver ensemble while Tyra is wearing a beige gymnastics outfit from the reject pile of the Buck Rogers wardrobe department.

[Erika]

Brenda does resemble Miranda, with a little bit of Nicole Kidman peppered in.

I laughed out loud at "planet vulva", good call indeed. Why does Tyra think that everything she wears is flattering? Oh, right, because she's "God".

[Chantal]

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO ALL DAY
"...give her a big, fat, clothespin-plumped pussy..."
I KNEW IT I KNEW U WOULD WRITE ABOUT THAT NOW THAT I WATCH ANTM IM LOOKING OUT FOR THINGS THAT MIGHT END UP HERE LIKE BLOWJOB FACE LOL

"African? African?!?! Hello! He has a name! This show is so racist."
LMFAO SO FUNNY

ALT HAS SOME GOOD INSIGHT BUT HE SO DISGUSTINGLY UGLY HE LOOKS LIKE A HIPPO TEETH AND ALL

[Angela]

Amazing as always!!
I was so pissed at Ren's face when she was telling Brenda the gossip about her - the bitch hates being a part of the drama, but loves creating it!

Just a random tidbit... anyone else notice that Raven from RuPaul's Drag Race appeared in Jaslene's cycle of ANTM? (When they did the photoshoot where the girls dressed like boys and posed w/ drag queens) Raven was the "Executive" queen. Lol just thought that was interesting!