Naduah learned about a cardinal sin of ANTM the hard way:
Thou shalt not forsake thy bleached eyebrows under any circumstances. They are a gift from God. Your renovated body is a temple blessed by Lord Tyra.
Boo hoo, right? Without more info revealed on her childhood cult, Naduah was nothing but a pathological know-it-all. Give me the dirt on your harrowing upbringing or get outta here, that's what I say! Tell me how you were burned and put a smile on my face...
...or GDIAF!
18. Krista
You’d cry too if someone told you, "I love the photo when I cover your face."
19. Alasia
This girl really knows her stuff. She's set the bar so high that if there's not a gif-able crying moment from her every episode, I'm going to be extremely disappointed.
20. Alasia
Perhaps you enjoy watching young women cry through glass, for that how-much-is-that-puppy-in-the-window vibe. Alasia offers that, too. She seriously does it all!
21. Gabrielle
She may have been the wrong catalog, but panel sent her straight to an even wronger one: Shafted & Co. I think this girl was robbed.
22. Gabrielle
Bye, bye Fry Guy. At least her exit interview made clear the egocentrism in pioneering: "I wanted to represent women all over, but I wanted to do that for myself to sit back and say, ‘Yeah, I broke that barrier,’ or ‘I was the one,’ and I’m not that one." So sorry you weren't able to serve the people/yourself, Gabs.
23. Alexandra
I wasn't trying to get the least flattering shot of this girl possible. But then, I wasn't trying not to, either.
24. Alexandra
There, that's better, right?
25. Ren
"I could be happy living my life and instead I chose to be in this crazy fucking house!" moaned Ren. Yeah, and I could be watching an extended scene of Alasia stuffing marshmallows in her mouth, but instead your misery sucked up precious camera time. We're all in this together, asshole.
26. Ren
Here, she was explaining that this show wasn't worth it, that before it she was "poor as hell," but still happy. Now that she’s living the well-paid life of a reality show contestant, well, you can imagine the problems that come with that! I can't wait until we get to watch her float around in a shiny nylon jumpsuit!
27. Ren
"I’m not willing to give up my sanity and my happiness for this!" says Ren. I'm not sure if sanity feels the same way -- I think it jumped ship a while ago.
28. Alexandra
People are now crying in front of the panel even before deliberation, pleading that they not be sent home (Alasia, Our Lady of Perpetual Over-the-Top Woe, did it last week). The desperation is running really thick this cycle. I like that.
29. Alasia
Princess Lachrymal, doing what she does, tearing it up yet again.
30. Naduah
At least she can go back to being sexy with her husband, since he's black and she's white. Wait, what?
All right, so this girl bugged, but I do give her props for this:
She looked totally pissy during her goodbye hug. Round-the-bend shade is a smart move in Tyra's universe -- she can't see it till it's too late. However...
...Gabrielle's was better. I hope this proves to you that she was the bigger loss.
And speaking of the shade between Tyra and Gabs, this cycle's inaugural Tyraism of the Week deals with just that:
"...Mmm, judges are silent it's not necessarily a good thing..."
You mean witty banter and off-the-cuff brilliance isn't springing from this panel's tongues? Is the universe off its tilt, or did they just choose a shitty picture for Gabrielle to kick her out? Things that make you go hmmmm...
"This is an example of hiding your neck and it being OK...
It's like..
...that, which is making it very nice."
I agree. Lopsided bobbleheads make everything very nice. Order some for your wedding today.
"Now, the girl with the best photo each week will also get to participate in the next challenge prize, no matter how poorly she does at the actual challenge."
You mean the promise of having your photo that everyone's already seen displayed on a flat-screen and being told that makes it "digital art" is no longer enough incentive? This cycle's group of girls is spoi-ullled!
"Last week, I thought your picture looked like an ad, and this week your picture looks like an ad. Get past the exaggerated advertismon."
First of all, their shots are not supposed to look like ads? I guess I haven't been understanding this show properly for the past seven years? Hmmm. I'll have to look into that. Second of all, a chignon and a seat next to André Leon Talley do not give you license to start making up French words. Who this bitch think she is? Oh, right. Jesus. I forgot. (I did not forget.)
And speaking of A! L! T!
OK?
The man is magical.
This is perhaps literally true, as he showed up to Episode 1 judging wearing a horn (!) and a cloak. Episode 2 had the cloak, but no horn.
Maybe he only busts out the horn for special occasions. Maybe it was his charm to woo us up front. Whatever the case, he is like a gay wizard. A gizzard, if you will. This wizard is a gizzard who will serrrrrve. Believe it: he is the exact puff of fresh air this show needed to change things up while remaining entirely the same. Brilliant.
Anyway, to celebrate my love for him, each week I'll put up a Talley Tally, collecting his best quotes/moments in list form. I think it will be nice to have a quantitative measurement of how much this person is enhancing our lives. (It's also an excuse to really examine many of the week's shots, which is something I probably don't do enough of.) And so:
On Ren's first shot:
"It's almost like you're a wood land fantasy nymph!"
For real, he had me when he opted for "wood land" instead of "woodland." Don't ask me why! Also, I agree with this evaluation in that Ren certainly doesn't look like she lives indoors. Love that he followed this up with, "That's actually a compliment." I feel like ALT must often explain what his compliments are.
On Alexandra's first shot:
"Overall, it doesn't move me. It doesn't give me that zush I need to go to the other side."
See, I'd argue that we reached the other side as soon as ALT appeared on screen.
On Raina's first shot:
A woman who is used to rings? How uncommon in our ringless society! Thank you, Gaylord of the Rings!
On Anslee's first shot:
Vagina with style: that is something that is right up my alley...and telescopically, at that!
On Tatianna's first shot:
"Your fular -- scarf -- I would buy it."
I love ALT's apparent tendency to define the foreign words he's just used. I think this gives him a chance to say more words (why say it so everyone can understand it the first time, when you can say it the way some will understand it the first time and then more will understand it the second?). Also, it shows us how smart he is. Like, for example, he translated "derriere" into "butt" for us. That was extremely helpful. Who knew what derriere meant all this time? Not me. I thought it was something made of lace. In conclusion, I can't wait to hear him say more words.
On Alasia's clueless atrocity:
I applaud him for the boldness of having the imagination in the brain that he luckily has that's cleverly attached to his tongue, which he dexterously uses to eloquently transmit whatever the fuck pops into it.
Again, on Tatianna (specifically her fular):
"It's all a luxury brand-ish!"
Sounds awfully classy when you put it like that!
Again on Raina's shot:
"The lyricism in her body is extraordinary!"
Lyricism? On ANTM? Something like this is all I could come think of when considering the two concepts together.
"Drekitude. (Tyra asks, 'What is a dreckitude?') Dreck, which means a wreck."
Does it now? Then why not just say "wreck?" Oh right: confusing the first time = getting to say more words. I forgot! I must be thinking with my derriere. You know what "dreck" really means? Shit, which is exactly what's coming out of his mouth (in a wondrously flowing stream!) when he's making up words.
On Alasia's second shot:
"Honey child, for me, you created your own ragtime."
I honestly have no idea what the fuck this means. I feel like you can only play along for so long with this guy. The test is how long. Whatever the results: exciting!
On Ren's struggle getting that second shot:
"Out of the contact lenses. Take them out and go blind!"
Beauty, you see, isn't pain: it's crippling disability!
On Anslee's breathtaking second shot:
"Sometimes a great, jutting, WASPy chin is needed!"
And sometimes, so is someone who tells you exactly what you need. Thank you, ALT. Muchas gracias. (That means, "Thank you very much," and you're welcome.)
Oh, and let's not forget the "catalog-y, and it's the wrong catalog" comment directed at Gabrielle, which was actually quite helpful. "Catalog" as a pejorative on this show makes very little sense as any of these girls should be so lucky as to be able to shop from a catalog, let alone appear in one, with all that ANTM does for their careers/bank accounts. Much like Tyra's weird "ad" comment, isn't being "catalog" sometimes the point? But now, thanks to the Sheriff of Nonsense/Ham, André Leon Talley himself, I get it. Whew! Waiting to exhale no more.
Oh, and you know you're doing something right when you're openly mocked by the ANTM judging panel, as ALT was after several of his comments:
I would pretend to address ALT and tell him to keep doing what he's doing, but that's unnecessary: he's going to anyway. That, after all, is why he's here!
God, I feel like I've written three shows' worth of recap (please don't tell me that this thing is going to be 90 minutes every week!) and I haven't even gotten to the finer points yet. Sorry So Long, guys! (No I'm not.) Anyway, we'll start with the finest of the finest points:
1. The new intro. I'm just going to throw up a gif wall and then we'll never have to speak of it again. Hold my hair please.
Love the kaleidoscopic vibe. That's not bad acid you dropped -- it's fieeeeece acid. I really can't decide which is my favorite, but I think it might be the second-to-last one, because she's always going away in it.
The downside? She comes back. At least she brings the eye twinkle.
2. I know you didn't think I was done talking about H1Ren1:
Or, should I call her...
...Lara Flynn Soiled?
"It's just so hard being here, because I think I'm far too intelligent," says Ren, when confronted with the aforementioned marshmallow mouth-stuffing of her peers.
I believe this was also in reference to Alasia's oft-expressed aggression. The thing is that if Ren were so intelligent, she would have done some research or consulted with common sense to prepare her for the fact that EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW IS CAST FOR THEIR CAPACITY TO PRODUCE MAXIMUM ANNOYANCE. It's, in fact, very, very stupid to sign up for reality TV and then shut down because you're surrounded by obnoxtroverts. That's like being sprayed with water and complaining about the wetness...which actually Ren pretty much did, come to think of it!
"I could feel my contacts moving in my eyeballs. And it hurt, a lot. I couldn't breathe." Contacts hurt, breathing difficult, what else? How was the air quality as you were getting your picture taken? Did the sun char your skin since you were so close to it being on the roof and all? Did the water jet dislodge your tampon? Give us more! I want to really be able to sympathize with your existence as a TV model.
Someone wearing this hat would be fucking annoying, too.
Love that she was in the throes of misery while the other girls enthused over the Tyra Mail...
But even more than that, I loved...
3. This fight between her and Alasia...
...apparently, Alasia's fuse isn't just short, it's dipped in kerosene. How else to explain her snapping so hard after Ren told her to shut the fuck up? I didn't think it'd be possible to out-asshole Ren, but goddamn it, Alasia with, "Shut the fuck up, talkin' to me!" and "I know where you sleep, dawg," you did it. You really did it!
"I might be young, but that don't give nobody no initiative to say nothing to me." No, Alasia, your youth doesn't give anyone initiative; it's your tendency to stuff marshmallows in your mouth, wear jackets backwards, scream your head off, use sentences that include not a double-, not a triple-, but a quadruple-negative (count 'em above!), and, uh, this...
...that gives everyone all the initiative that they could ever need. Her aggression is disconcerting, but just taken as a weirdo, Alasia is a true sight to behold.
"Oh my gosh! I think I got water in my brain, 'cause it was like shhhhhh!" Alasia said of her photo-shoot experience. Since she came into the competition with considerable water on the brain, I guess the more the merrier? Whatever, at least she isn't complaining! This girl is the musical daredevil of my heart.
4. I can't believe I got this far without talking about what was obviously the best part of the episode:
Obviously, this is why animated gifs were invented. What the fuck else needs to be said besides models + pendulums =...
...utter brilliance.
Also, once again really enjoyed this very brief shot of J we were treated to:
Again: a little J goes a long way. (He really needs to trademark that as his motto, if his ego allows it.)
5. And to that point, while I loved watching Alexandra fall (over and over and over again!), it was actually this that made me laugh hardest this episode:
"Whatchu talkin’ bout chiiiiile?"
During Jay's impression of "the old black woman that keeps her hands in her purse on the subway" by way of Alasia's dire walk...
...all I could think of during his impersonation was Pearl from 227...which, actually, is what I usually think about when J does anything.
6. Oh, and how 'bout the challenge?
First of all, if the guy that interviewed about seeing Naduah giving "weird face," wasn't a plant...
...then he totally already loves and watches this show. Anyone who uses the phrase "give face" watches this show. It's not just fact, it's the law!
Second of all, when Naduah said, "People start immediately looking at me like, 'What's the matter with that crazy woman?' And I'm loving it 'cause that means attention!"...ugh, I vomited. I prefer those who populate the reality TV that I watch to show and not tell that they love attention, thank you very much.
7. God, this episode was so full of funny I was seriously impressed. Another point of high comedy:
...the Top Model Lounge. This is shaping up to be a permanent fixture and I couldn't be happier. Yay. I am so glad that we get to watch completely campy staged dialog about what we just saw. It's so good, I don't need to add anything. Just transcribing it verbatim:
Bianca: Pendulums on the runway?
Laura: We’re gonna have girls flyin’ everywhere!
Bianca: They can’t hold it together in the house, how are they supposed
to hold it together on a runway in front of everybody, pendulums flying?
Somebody’s gonna grab on to the pendulum…(starts cracking up) and fall
I’m sure of it! You can just tell it’s gonna be bad.
Laura: (after a beat) This is one tough runway.
This is the best between-segment feature this show has offered since the unfairly short-lived CoverGirl Beauty Tip of the Week during Cycle 3. We may never again find out what's new in nails or what CoverGirl product smells like cupcakes, but at least we get to watch a dyslexic girl who botched every challenge last cycle that involved reading, read lines every week. I don't know if it's poetic, but it sure feels like justice.
8. Mini-Pretty Party!!!
That ends this week's clearing of images that are kind-of-to-very fug and that I have nothing to say about Pretty Party.
9. Guys, not to be spoilery, but I think Raina's going to win this. For some reason, when this shot came on the screen...
...all signs just pointed to duh. She's stunning and just unique enough. So far, I think she's great. Really, I'd love to see a woman who looks like she's used to rings take this thing. Minorities represent!
When she wins, she's soooo going to be all like:
...And her eyebrows are going to explode off of her face, a one-woman fireworks display.
Oh, I also like that she's something of a shit-talker...
Sometimes you don't need Tyra to edge you out.
9.
This reminded me of a dog's penis. How about you?
10. And finally (I can't believe we're here at the end!), reader David S., says that his girlfriend "makes" him watch this "totally lame show," but he was nonetheless inspired enough to make two cartoonish renderings of it in gif format via a new program on his Nintendo DS. I love them:
I hope that he continues hating this show so much that he never stops making gifs of it. Love seeing cartoons of what already is basically a cartoon. Very meta!
Whew! Done at last!
See ya!
Brillian recap!!! ALT is the best thing to happen to this show...I just want to sit in his salon and sip beautiful drinks all day.
Oh,and "Foulard" is the French spelling. In case you were curious.
Posted by: B. | March 22, 2010 at 12:44 PM
I am so sad I missed this episode, but your recap was fantastic as usual. "H1Ren1" was brilliant. :D
Posted by: Jess | March 22, 2010 at 12:51 PM
Is it just me or does Naduah look identical to Brian Molko??
I can't hate someone who bears such a strong resemblance to a guy who sings about bestiality and getting golden showers.
Posted by: ariel | March 22, 2010 at 12:55 PM
I think Raina is gonna win too. Love her!
Posted by: Tashina S. | March 22, 2010 at 01:01 PM
I for one was totally shocked that Naduah was sent home. I was hoping Ren would quit. God, she's annoying. Reality TV is filled is obnoxious idiots? The HELL you say! You're a dumbass if you didn't know that before you signed on to do this show, so you can can it with all your "I'm too smart for this" talk.
ALT is the best addition to this show since Janice left. Everything he says is magical. Gizzard, hehehe. I love how Tyra just lets him go because he's ALT. Also, him being on the panel shows how useless and dumb Nigel really is. I haven't been this excited about this show since cycle 6 when we had Jade and all her endless entertainment.
Posted by: Melissa | March 22, 2010 at 01:03 PM
omg fucking gizzard made me choke on my chewing gum XD
<3 you forever
Posted by: narita | March 22, 2010 at 01:04 PM
"Who this bitch think she is? Oh, right. Jesus. I forgot. (I did not forget.)"
Hahahahahahahahahahahhaaaaah.
I. freaking. LOVE. you.
Posted by: Neha | March 22, 2010 at 01:11 PM
This wizard is a gizzard who will serrrrrve.
That is all. :)
Posted by: Anna | March 22, 2010 at 01:18 PM
Sniffle Garbrielle was so robbed.
And speaking of bullshit (and how can we not be all things considered), did the fight between Ren and Alaysia seem highly edited to you? Just out of nowhere Ren yelled STFU and then screaming Alaysia. Actually screaming Alaysia is in truth likely ridiculously easy to conjure up but I don't think we saw that sequence as it happened. I'm trying to look at her as good tv but I don't on principle approve of rewarding craziness.
Which means on principle I should tune out next week. But then I might miss Miss Jay's mockery of the girl's runway walks and that is one of the show highlights for me. Also, "I know where you sleep dawg" was one of the quotes of the new decade for me.
I'm also confused. No more CoverGirl contract for the winner?
Posted by: Vanessa M | March 22, 2010 at 01:23 PM
The animation at the end of this recap is amazing, but I bet David's girlfriend's name is Steve.
Posted by: ger | March 22, 2010 at 01:34 PM
Glad you touched on the injustice of Pink Hands Gabrielle (my diagnosis is poor circulation in her extremities from her mother smoking while she was pregnant) being kicked off and the rapid ascendance of Raina. BUT: I would have liked a little more outrage about Gabrielle, because I'm still waiting for an apology from Alasia's asscrack and snatch for that affront to all five senses; and I was hoping for some commentary on Raina's 2nd picture, which I think is one of the best ever on the show. Also Angelea has the proportions of Manute Bol with a duckbutt.
Posted by: Sue Ellen | March 22, 2010 at 01:37 PM
I love you Rich.
That is all.
Posted by: MsKit | March 22, 2010 at 01:40 PM
I don't know. That picture where Raina's hair is all pulled back, I'm getting too much of a McKey vibe from her. And yes, ALT is whatever the opposite of dreckitude is. Well, actually he is kind of a wreck, but in the best possible way.
Posted by: chesska | March 22, 2010 at 01:48 PM
Alasia's completely insane. It's high quality entertainment until someone loses an eye... has ANTM ever had an argument that actually ended in fisticuffs? I think this girl's probably the best bet we have for a Top Model first -- makeup tips for how to cover up bruises from a beatdown!
Did Gabrielle remind anyone else of Michael Jackson? The resemblence is uncanny to me.
Posted by: Kat | March 22, 2010 at 02:01 PM
I love Top Model Lounge! I liked it this week when Bianca was encouraging the current pack of wannabe Top Models to walk in front of oncoming traffic: 'you’re supposed to stand out! Ok, don't get hit, but...' I also enjoyed Bianca's big reveal in the first episode that she's 'really into, like, smiling'. One girl who wears rings, one girl who likes smiling... where does Tyra find these wacky characters???
Posted by: restingonpretty | March 22, 2010 at 02:04 PM
I didn't think Gabrielle would make it to top three, or anywhere close, but I don't think she should have gotten axed so quick.
When Ren got her picture, I kept thinking that it would be hilarious if Celia were to pop out of nowhere and say, "Excuse me, Tyra, but I thought you should know... Ren doesn't want to be here because she's far too intelligent for this. Just sayin'."
The cartoon of Alexandra was awesome. I knew she was going to be the one to take a tumble the way she kept talking on and on about how she's made for competitions and she's been doing this since birth, blah blah blah. But two falls? Christmas came super early this year.
More Angelea next week, please! I hated her in Cycle 12, but now I think I might end up loving her.
Posted by: Dee | March 22, 2010 at 02:07 PM
ALT reminds me of the Simpsons episode where Homer gained weight to get on disability and went shopping for mu-mus and he went into the store with the academic and judicial robes. ALT shops at the same place.
And that makes 3 times I have referenced that episode in a 2 week span. I don't know how I feel about that.
Posted by: kate | March 22, 2010 at 02:15 PM
Argh I totally want to know what the animation GIF programme on the DS is! I WANT IT! Those gifs made me laugh out loud <3
Posted by: TheEnglishRose | March 22, 2010 at 02:24 PM
Rich - I love it when you get on a roll. I hope all of your re-caps are this long b/c it just made my day. H1Ren1 was utter genius. And calling out Alasia for her quadruple-negative...it made my heart sing with happiness. I'm planning a trip to NYC in May...can I come over and watch the show w. you and see this genius blog in action? I think you rule.
Posted by: Marlo | March 22, 2010 at 02:31 PM
Rich, best recap ever. You are on fire.
Posted by: lisa | March 22, 2010 at 02:43 PM
omg rich, we're back in business with antm. and that cartoon (of the cartoon), brills.
Posted by: acolyte | March 22, 2010 at 02:48 PM
Anyone notice that the pendulums in the different shots before/during/after the fall don't really connect with each other? In the above shot, it looks like one is just stuck stationary against the side of the stage, but you don't see any part of it as she is walking. The pendulum that hits her also appears to be coming from two different directions.
WAS THERE A THIRD PENDULUM ON THE GRASSY KNOLL?
Posted by: aloria | March 22, 2010 at 03:03 PM
Since last season this show has gotten soooo low budget. This season though has to be the cheapest. There has not been this many nude shots since the first season..the sets and style looks like it went back to UPN. The clothes(if any) are so bad looking and the makeovers are cheap. No more fancy color treatments or extensions..clip ons? Also Tyra looks a mess..the intro is horrible and the Tyra mail with that Little Mermaid font for Tyra's name looks so bad.. What will there international destination be? Canada? The editing is so bad..I guess that is what happens when Tyra is not only photoshopping the girls photos, she now is editing the film of the show..
Posted by: Dramaticpunk | March 22, 2010 at 03:12 PM
you're so f'm brilliant, rich.
it's no wonder rupaul wanted you to recap her show too.
i won't even try to note everything i loved about this b/c i'd just end up reiterating absolutely everything.
remarkable.
Posted by: gem | March 22, 2010 at 03:44 PM
I think Tyra, Queen of the Frenchies, was trying - and I do mean trying - to say auhd-vur-teese-mont ("advertisement" in French).
Posted by: S. | March 22, 2010 at 04:15 PM